Self care is not selfish

Who decided that taking care of yourself is selfish?

As women, we are often expected to be everything to everyone and if we take time out for ourselves, it’s selfish. Or worse still, a luxury that can be given up when time or resources are scarce. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I remember a story my mother once told me that I didn’t understand. Looking back, I realize it was about self-care.

There once was a woman with many children. She came through the door one evening after a long exhausting day and all of her children were whining and complaining about being hungry and wanting dinner. She went into the kitchen and closed the door. Pots and pans were banging. Drawers were opening and closing. Chopping and stirring. Gas burners hissing. The oven door opened and closed. The children heard a chair being pulled across the floor. Then all was quiet except for the sound of silverware against a plate. Once she had eaten, the mother cleared her plate. Only then did she move on to the task of feeding her brood. Many of my clients appreciate the story and STILL feel that they can’t do it themselves.

I remember thinking how selfish that woman was, putting her own needs before her children. I asked my mother about the story and she said, “If the mother doesn’t take care of herself, how can she care for her children?” Twenty years, two children, two businesses, one masters degree and one divorce later, I finally understand this story and its simple message:

Caretakers need to take care of themselves! (Tweet it!)

How to commit to self care this holiday season

Welcome to our first annual Self Care November. Before the stress and demands of the holidays are upon you, it’s time to start taking better care of yourself.

Let’s start by saying no to things that we don’t enjoy or want to do. Don’t volunteer just because you’ve been doing it for years and feel obligated. My friend and Mentor Sam Bennet does a gut check when people ask her to do things. If it feels good and there is some excitement, then it’s a resounding yes. If she is waffling at all, then it’s a no. To her, wavering at all means no. Stop torturing yourself with the following list:

• “Maybe”
• “I need to because … ”
• “I should”
• “They’re expecting”
• “I have to”

If any of these answers come to mind when you’re asked to do something, take a breath and say no this year. That includes church groups, synagogue boards, school events, or work parties. Holidays are stressful enough. Cut down on your commitments so that you can really enjoy your family and friends this season. Who wants to be a frazzled mess on January 2nd? That’s no way to start the new year. Just thank the person for thinking of you, and politely tell them that you’re all booked up.
For the newly divorced, holidays can be a minefield. In the weeks to come, I will be sharing tips on how to get through the holiday season with your joy intact.

Divorce is a great time to begin new traditions. Just because you’ve always done things a certain way doesn’t mean that things can’t change. Start thinking about changes you want to make and the traditions you want to start.

And don’t forget to listen to your gut. It’s the first step toward implementing true self-care not only during the holidays, but moving forward in your new, post-divorce life.

Now over to you: How are you committing to making things easier on yourself this holiday season?