I’m not saying that wallowing after a breakup isn’t allowed. A certain period of mourning is expected and even healthy as the loss you are feeling is great. But moving on without dealing with your feelings can backfire months or years down the line.
Be responsible for you and your immediate family. If a whole office, company, or community of people is depending on you, let them know that you are taking a step back for a while. Delegate until you feel up to the task again. And you will.
Here’s a great example of not dealing with your feelings after a breakup: Dating and going straight into a new intense relationship almost immediately! If you don’t give yourself the time to reflect on what went wrong or what didn’t work in the previous relationship, don’t expect the next one to be any better! The unresolved issues will carry into the next relationship and can easily sabotage it.
Who doesn’t want to feel that elation in a new relationship? Suddenly you are fascinating to someone else and you’re elated. The honeymoon period is a wash of emotions, and this person seems PERFECT. But jumping into another relationship immediately after a breakup puts a lot of pressure on you to try to erase the past or rewrite it. You’ll be constantly comparing this new person to your ex — and anyone seems amazing compared to them — even someone who’s actually not so great.
People and relationships are not black and white. No one is perfect. And human interaction is far from perfect. As my boyfriend is fond of saying “Everyone’s shit smells.” And he has a point.
So what do we do to avoid this idealized view of a new person?
Time. Take time to get to know them and not fill in the blanks with your fantasies.
Letting your feelings be felt after the breakup is the best way to move towards healing. All of us need a period to mourn what was. The time will depend entirely on you and what you need. If you keep them bottled up inside churning like acid, they will eventually corrode the core that is your emotional well-being!
So here are my top 5 behaviors to leave behind BEFORE you let a new person into your life (Tweet it!)
Social media: Do not look at or respond to your ex’s social media after the breakup. People lie and always put their best face forward. If your ex’s new chick is younger, hotter, or richer, you don’t know the whole story and all it does is make you feel bad. You don’t need her picture burned into your brain. Why would you torture yourself?
Being a weepy mess: Everyone who has gone through a big messy breakup needs to fully experience this stage of post-coupledom life for as long as they need to. If you are a weepy mess, be a weepy mess but don’t expect even your closest friends or family to want to hear about it 24/7. Get some professional help (yes that’s what I do) and work on getting yourself back together. For those of you that have joined our group – well done. This is a safe space and we are happy to have you.
Listening to the negative tapes in your head: Don’t listen to the little gremlins in your mind that tell you that the breakup was your fault or you are not enough. If you were thinner, richer, more interesting etc. You are the best you that you can be. You are unique and talented and special. If there are things you want to change for you, take this as an opportunity to work on the things you want to work on to improve yourself for you and your children. But you are enough RIGHT NOW.
Kicking yourself around: Be kind to yourself after a breakup. You may feel like a failure now, but you DESERVE self-love. This is not the time to add pressure. And this is not the time to start new projects. This is the time to begin to heal. Make the words you say to yourself gentle and loving. Get a massage or just take your two hands and rub the back or your neck. Feel the tension? Do things that are soothing for you. Music, exercise, coffee with a friend. For a cheap spa experience, warm some nice smelling oil in the micro (don’t boil it) for a few seconds and rub your feet with it. Repeat to yourself in a loving voice, “I am more than enough” as many times as you need to start believing it.
Watching negative news: Limit your intake of bad news. The world is in a mess right now. Floods and fires, destruction and death. In some places, complete devastation. We cannot constantly take in news like this and be okay. Make a small donation if you want to help. I sent underwear to Houston through Amazon. I knew that it would go directly to the people who needed it and felt a little better that someone will have clean underwear to put on tomorrow. And that makes me feel a little better.
Just as you would not pour salt directly into a cut, scrape or other wound, stop doing the things that bring you more pain. Breakups are tough. Be kind to yourself. And when you’ve done these things, only then are you ready to invite a new love into your life.
Now over to you: which habits do you need to work on before you start dating again? I’d love to hear!
Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2018 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
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