I’ve been thinking a lot about change lately. And about being stuck in a decision we made, or one made for us, and how to move on even if we are pushed back.
Being aged out of day to day parenting. Parents getting older and needing more care. Job changes and relocations.
As much as we want things to stay the same, our lives change in huge and imperceptible ways. The only thing we can count on in this world is change. So why are so many of us resistant to it?
The only thing that is constant is change
We are living longer lives and switching jobs more often. Rethinking our education. Divorce is more common than it ever was before. What happens when we get stuck? Fixed in a point and unable to move forward or move on?
How do you know something isn’t working for you? How do you know it’s time to do something else? What clues do you look for when trying to shift out of immobility?
As a counselor and educator, I see this all the time. People do not have an identified goal. Or the goal has been moved or reinvented and is no longer something they care about, feel passionate about, or even like.
Decisions take time
These decisions take time. Sometimes we don’t know something isn’t working until we are deep into it. We all have a little voice that tells us if something isn’t right for us. And we ignore this voice frequently. My gauge has always been: when the inside pressure is stronger than the outside pressure.
People like to have things neatly pigeonholed. Everything and everyone in their place. It’s a way to make sense of the world. My clients discuss this a lot during our coaching sessions.
Change is not about giving up! The path you chose is not necessarily one based on a decision you made as a teenager. As a generation, there was a great deal of pressure on us to succeed. And to succeed in the traditional sense. School, college, career, marriage and children. And if you deviated from this path? Were you no longer successful?
Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
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I have friends who chose a career path beginning with high school, college, and graduate school. But 30 years later, they’re thinking about retiring from that path and doing something different. I admire their commitment and drive and ability to stay relevant in a world that doesn’t much resemble the one 30 years ago.
This was not my path. I get bored easily. Although I seemed to have all the answers, I only looked like I knew what I was doing. I tried a lot of things. And I got a lot of crap about it.
“You are so good at it, why not stay?”
“Bloom where you are planted.”
I was miserable in a variety of jobs, listening to the advice of people who had never not known what they wanted. So it took me a while to find my way…
I found my path in my 50’s
I am an accomplished dyslexic with a degree in English. And I went back to school in my 40’s and may go back to school in my 50’s. My career has been very diverse. I even worked some temp jobs for a while in my 20’s. This time helped me rule out things I didn’t want to do. I take classes online constantly and have dumped several career paths.
Now at 50, with grown-up kids, I finally figured out what I want to do, even though I have been doing it unofficially all my life: counseling.
Many of my students (I teach English as a second language at a local college) have no idea why they are in school. They have a vague idea about wanting a better life and a higher paying job, but many have no idea why they are studying.
There is also a group of students I teach who are returning to school to get an undergraduate degree after being in the workforce for 5-25 years. This time they know why they are in school and what they want. I think this helps their motivation. Most of these people are married, have kids, and have a career. But they want to further it with a degree.
Maybe you should reconsider
If the thing you are doing or pursuing doesn’t feed your soul, then you are probably doing something that might have to be reconsidered. Not every path is linear. One of the things I do in my practice is help people with change.
I am not telling you to quit your job or commit financial suicide. Paying the bills is a great motivator for staying in a position. If people depend on you to be the provider, then that is something you must take into consideration when deciding. Not the only thing to consider, but an important thing.
Here is a list of 5 things to think about when you need something different in your life.
1. Give yourself permission to check out other options
Either in your field or with something completely different. See what else is out there that might make you a little more positive about moving forward.
2. Give yourself a generous timeline
Say, in six months, I am going to have three options lined up to choose from.
3. Make your new or old passion a hobby
Or do it part time so you can see how it feels. Try it on and see how it fits. If it fits! If it feels like your favorite old sweater or gets your heart and imagination racing, then you have some evidence to base a decision on, right?
4. Reach out to people
People in the industry of job or school you are interested in. Make a call a week. Spend 30 minutes a day searching online. Keep moving until you have reached your destination.
5. Give yourself permission
To quit or suspend your current education until you figure out what you want. Many schools or graduate programs will be okay with you taking a semester off to consider.
Most importantly:
Be patient with yourself and the people in your life. Change is hard, but can be so rewarding (Tweet it!)
And if you need a little guidance through a change, get in touch we’ll set up a call to discuss!
Be kind to yourself!
Now over to you: Have you ever felt like you were stuck? How did you deal with this situation?
