Words have tremendous power to hurt or heal. And when used on ourselves or repeated internally because someone once said them to us, it is not a good enough reason to have such a negative internal dialogue. These are the words I am trying to eradicate from my internal/external vocabulary.
JUDGEMENT
Unless you are a sitting court judge on the bench, you shouldn’t be spending your precious time judging other people. Evolutionarily we judged other beings to keep ourselves safe. Big hairy guy with spear running your direction might not be friendly and you should turn around and run. That kind of judgement could save your life but in most cases we don’t need that kind of judgement anymore. Judging other people still comes from fear but not necessarily fear for our lives. Fear of not measuring up. Fear of difference. Or fear of other. It is so much easier to dismiss someone different. Or to compartmentalizing them as a non-person but an outfit, a pair of shoes, skin color, hair style, music choice, or political party affiliation. These little snap judgements isolate us as human beings. Next time you hear that judgey voice stream across your brain, take a moment, take a breath, and let that feeling go. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Believe or not it’s a basic tenant of a lot of religions out there. It takes practice not to give in to that superior/inferior vibe. Try to put yourself in the other person’s place for a minute and be less harsh with your fellow human beings. Even if you never say it out loud. This one takes practice. The younger more fearful me used to say, “God gave me judgement to use it to be judgmental.” Charming right?COMPARING
Have you ever compared yourself to someone and felt better? Has your comparison made you feel less than or not good enough? Did it start in childhood? Is it hard for you to celebrate other people’s wins? Do you feel excluded even when whatever is going on doesn’t have anything to do with you? Stop comparing. We are all so different. And blessed in many ways. My children just took a trip together and had a marvellous time. Of course, they documented it on Facebook and Instagram. Other parents came up to me and felt they had to tell me that their kids don’t get along very well. Or they looked wistful and said they wished that their kids had a different relationship. These interactions left me feeling a little sad. Why? Because all these parents were feeling bad somehow because my kids who fought like wild animals when they were young had a nice experience together. They have grown up to be good friends. Somehow this left other parents feeling lacking. STOP COMPARING. Next time you feel like she has, or they have, or I don’t have, stop and take a breath and feel grateful for what you do have. Maybe be happy for someone else who has something you don’t. But it doesn’t matter. Maybe it isn’t important. Life is hard enough without constant comparing. There will always be someone out there with more (subjectively) or less (subjectively) than you have. It’s a universal truth.Stop beating yourself up for what you don’t have and try to be grateful for what you have. (Tweet it!)
It’s a mind shift, and it will make you feel better if you let it.PERFECT
A search for perfection is a race never won. Nothing is perfect, and no one is perfect. Chasing perfection is like a dog chasing his tail. Never will catch it and if he does then what? According to you tube these silly sweet puppies fall over, cry out in pain when they bite their own tails and start doing all over again. Perfect can keep you from doing anything. I’ll do it when I lose five-ten-50 pounds. If I can’t do it perfectly then I’m not doing it at all. How many times has it stopped you? Have you thrown a party only to be so exhausted by the effort that you don’t enjoy the festivities? I have done that. Thanksgiving for 30. I prepared for days. When guests arrived, I could barely smile and I couldn’t wait for them to leave. Life isn’t school, and no one is grading you. I have taught so many students over the years who wasn’t happy with an 89 even though they only needed an 80 to continue with their studies. They couldn’t enjoy their accomplishments because it wasn’t good enough. Not perfect. My friend and mentor Sam Bennett talks about getting a “C” and just get it out there. She was talking about creative work, but it could have meant just about anything. Sometimes now I get a “C” and it’s okay, better than okay, I keep moving forward. And my guess is most of the “C’s” we get are kind of like most people’s “A’s”.CAN’T
Okay, so you can’t fly because you don’t have wings, but you could hang glide or skydive. That’s almost flying. And if you are using words like “can’t” because it’s something you haven’t done before – how do you know you can’t? Because you are female? Because you might not have succeeded in the past? Or because you are too old? Too young? You don’t really know you can’t. Do you? In my forties I went back to school to get a master’s degree. I had been a good student 20+ years earlier, but I was petrified that first day of class. Mom of two by then but I was so nervous I was sick to my stomach before the first class began. Puked my guts out, rinsed my mouth out and walked into the first class. Yep I was the oldest person there. Older than the instructor but I deserved to be there, and I was going to get everything out of this class I could. Do you use can’t because you don’t want to do something? Are you afraid to hurt people’s feelings? Is no not a word you are comfortable with? Follow your first impulse, thank the person or organization for thinking about you, and say maybe next time. We only get one life and our days should be filled with many more want to’s than have to’s.FAILURE
Are you defining yourself as a failure? Have you lost a war? Caused a citywide blackout? So, why use the word failure? Did you try something new that you were not entirely successful with? Are you a parent, co-worker, husband, wife, divorced? Is anyone else except that nasty voice inside your head calling you a failure? So, stop it! Okay? The messages we get from the media are generally negative. If you don’t weigh 100 pounds, own a jet, or make billions of dollars does that make you a failure? No and no and no. Stop giving in to old messages that you have internalized since the third-grade spelling bee. So, you don’t spell well. Big deal. That’s what spell check is for, right? Have you been divorced a couple times? I applaud your optimism for continuing to believe in happily ever after. No one gets through this life unscathed. Are there things you wish you had done differently? Okay. We learn and grow and try not to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Have you yelled at your children? Your parents? Traffic? Forgotten a birthday or anniversary? Congratulations, you are human!Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
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My point is
Words are powerful. They can be helpful or hurtful. Why would we use the negative ones on ourselves over and over? Give yourself the credit for overcoming challenges, showing up, being a kind person. And next time you feel yourself start to get angry take a breath and let it pass. Be kind to yourself. Now over to you: Do you agree? What words have been hurtful to you? 
