[thesis_block type=”note” header=”” content=”re·sil·ience
/rəˈzilyəns/
noun
1.
the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
Synonyms: flexibility, pliability, suppleness, elasticity, give, springiness”]
Or, as it used to be called, bouncing back.
When I heard about all the rich parents buying their children’s acceptances into top-notch schools I was shocked. And then I wasn’t.
People have been buying influence since before money was invented. What saddens me as a parent is these people of privilege didn’t trust their kids enough or spoiled them so much that they couldn’t or didn’t accept the responsibility to do what needed to be done to get into the school they wanted.
It is also possible that these kids, or some of them at least, had no idea what was going on or figured they were entitled to get into whatever school their parents could afford to buy them into.
Would it perhaps have been better had they taught their children how to be more resilient?
It is a balancing act as a parent not to give your children everything. They are the most precious little beings to us and we want nothing bad to ever happen to them. It’s not possible, of course, as life has trauma. We try to mitigate their traumas when we can. It’s easier the younger they are. Once they leave our realm of influence it gets tougher.
More than a few of my clients struggle with this delicate balance. How to help your children become more resilient and at the same time love them unconditionally. I have come up with what I hope are useful strategies to raise more resilient kids and expand our own abilities to model as more resilient adults.
1. Teach problem-solving skills
Do this by letting children make mistakes. Doing a school project for them or over-helping with homework isn’t going to help them develop the ability of trial and error. Give them an opportunity to come up with their own solutions. Brainstorm together about how to handle adversity. For example, a child is anxious about going away to an outdoor school for a week and has never been away from home.
An anxious parent might just allow them to stay home so they both feel better. In the short run. But missing out because the experience is unfamiliar isn’t helping the child develop or the parent let go a little.
Another approach might be to talk about homesickness and what to do when they feel bad or sad or a bit frightened in a new environment. Taking a favorite toy or book with them might reduce their anxiety. Or having a couple of letters tucked into their luggage from family members will reassure them and might decrease the feeling of homesickness.
2. Try not to do everything for your children
We want to make sure our children are comfortable. But if we do everything for them, we do not allow them to understand and appreciate the feeling of independence. If we do everything, how are they going to learn to be self-reliant?
If we are anxious ourselves it is very difficult to encourage our kids to be okay with uncertainty. We do not have all the answers and being able to sit with some level of not knowing is a very important skill for modern life. I am not advising putting a two-year-old behind the wheel of a car but someday that two-year-old will want to drive a car. I recommend starting with a tricycle.
Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
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3. Be aware of using overly dramatic language around children
Catastrophizing events or experiences raises the level of anxiety for everyone but especially children who don’t have enough experience to know the difference. When it is raining very hard instead of saying “If this rain keeps up we are going to have to book a seat on the Ark”, you could say something like this “isn’t this storm amazing?”
And then you could look up what causes thunder or teach your kids about counting how far away the thunderclap is after lightening.
We are all guilty of using dramatic language. It gets people’s attention. I’m hungry works just as well as I’m starving. Because my guess is you are hungry, not starving. The cycle of drama is learned.
4. Help them manage their emotions
Emotional management is very important in building resilience. Teach your kids that all emotions are OK. They can be angry at their brother for breaking a toy or disappointed that a friend couldn’t come over and play. Hitting their brother or yelling at a friend is not okay.
And then talk about how they are going to work through those feelings. What happens next? How long are you going to be mad? How can you make sure that your toys don’t get broken? By putting them away. ‘Why’-questions don’t help with problem-solving. For example “Why did you leave your toys out?” The kid is 8 years old, so ‘why’ doesn’t really move you forward.
And we, as parents, have to ride the waves of these emotions and not give in.
Children understand very quickly that having a complete freak out temper tantrum meltdown can get them what they want. (Tweet it!)
Unacceptable behavior is a learned behavior and if it works it continues. So keep the adult temper tantrums in check too.
5. Model resilient behavior
This may be the hardest strategy of all. We are an anxious planet. Life has never been so fast or furious before. We have the most amazing technology at our fingertips but it doesn’t necessarily make life easier.
The World Health Organization estimates that 1 in 13 people suffers from anxiety. In the United States, it is estimated that 18 to 20 percent of all people over the age of 18 suffer from some form of anxiety. Of those only 30 percent get help. If you are finding it hard to cope reach out to a professional.
Want to talk about it? Book a free discovery call with me.
Be kind to yourself.
