5 Ways to Cope When You Have Been Thrown Under the Bus

“To throw (someone) under the bus” is an idiomatic phrase in American English meaning to betray a friend or ally for selfish reasons. It is typically used to describe a self-defensive disavowal and severance of a previously-friendly relationship when the relation becomes controversial or unpopular.

And I would add here someone is under tremendous pressure and want to let it out in some less than productive way.

Yesterday I got thrown under the bus at work. I was surprised and disappointed as it was someone I know well and respect their professionalism. Well… Until yesterday.

Being an educator can be challenging

College campuses are not easy places to work. There are many different tiers of tenure and people who lecture/teach hourly can get pushed around a lot. Some semesters there is more work as enrollment increases. Some semesters, for reasons no one can explain, fewer students apply.

Most of us teach because we really love the students and the teaching. Not for getting rich or chasing the tenure track. You would think that this would create some kind of community when in fact the opposite is sometimes true.

Getting an email from the head of the department late in the evening is usually not a cause for concern. It’s when we catch up. We are all on campus most days and it’s a way to get organized for the next day or bring up things as they happen. Last night I was forwarded an email that called my integrity and judgement into question.

My first reaction was disbelief

I had seen this colleague earlier in the day and although she seemed overwhelmed and stressed I didn’t think it was directed towards me personally. We all handle our own secretarial work and she let me do something quickly before class started. I was appreciative.

My second reaction was anger but it was short-lived as I tried to figure out why this person felt the need to “tell” on me and throw me under the bus like that. Then I figured it was less to do with me and more to do with her situation. Maybe she took on too much. It’s getting near the end of the term and tempers flare. What surprised me the most was that I had hosted this person in my home and tried to be supportive of her when she needed to vent in the past. Or help with other administrative tasks.

A second opinion

I did call another teacher I respect and asked her what she thought of the situation.
We agreed that it was an odd choice not to speak to me directly and we had all agreed earlier in the term about the problem in question.

I calmly wrote a succinct email back to my supervisor and she asked if I wanted her to send my email to the other teacher in question. I said I didn’t think it would help as maybe she just needed to be heard.

Throwing someone under the bus is an act of anger, frustration, or insecurity. It’s not a behaviour of someone who is calm and self confident. It’s a reactionary thing to deflect blame or feel like you are doing something proactive. It could have all been avoided if she had just talked to me.

So what do you do if you have been thrown you under the bus?

Here are 5 ways to cope when you have been thrown under the bus:

1. Climb out from under the bus.

Then dust yourself off and try to figure out what the issue is really about. If you did make a mistake own up to it.

2. Speak calmly and clearly.

Or write. Explain how you see the situation without blaming the other person.

3. Offer a solution.

Try to offer a solution going forward that might take the drama and angst out of the situation.

4. Take personal responsibility if necessary.

And try to avoid confirmation in the future. Some people need that confrontation to feel in the right and in control even if neither is true.

5. Move on.

Some people are not team players and don’t understand how to communicate in a positive productive way. It’s all about how hard they work, how no one appreciates them, and they have no understanding of how their behavior affects other people. Minimize contact and move on.

It isn’t your job to fix someone. Sometimes people can’t hear what you are saying because they are so wrapped up in their own drama and way of looking at the world.

Don’t internalize someone else’s world view.
Try to understand it and then let it go.

It can happen in any work environment. And usually if someone throws people under the bus as a habit it won’t surprise anyone when it happens again. Don’t be a doormat but don’t buy into the drama either.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: When was the last time you got thrown under the bus? How did you cope?