We are a tribal people. We’re meant to live in groups and depend on one another. That’s the way human beings have behaved for thousand of years, and yet many of us live alone and even feel proud that we don’t need anyone. And we couldn’t be more wrong.
Human interaction can save your life
I read this quote in Psychology Today this week, sitting on a plane, smashed together with hundreds of my fellow men and women. And it struck me. Human interaction can save your life. Did you know that? People who have strong social ties, a circle of close friends, and community attachments are healthier, live longer, suffer from less pain, and live a better quality of life.
Now, I am not saying that friendships cure cancer, but I am saying that they greatly increase our ability to enjoy ourselves and live fuller, longer, and happier lives.
“Loneliness poses a serious physical risk—it can be, quite literally, deadly. As a predictor of premature death, insufficient social connection is a bigger risk factor than obesity and the equivalent of smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, according to Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a psychology professor at Brigham Young University and one of the leading figures in loneliness research. And, she says, the epidemic is only getting worse.”
Loneliness is as bad as obesity and smoking?
Wow – being socially isolated can be worse for you than obesity or smoking? That’s bad and it’s completely reversible. It just takes some effort and a little nurturing.
So what do you do? Find your tribe or bowling league or knitting circle…
If you are so inclined, join a house of worship. Go back to church, synagogue, find a mosque, or a Baptist revival meeting. I know some very happy lapsed Catholics hanging out at a much more relaxed service these days.
Many of us, through time and circumstance, are no longer close to our families, either geographically or emotionally. Many of us aren’t so connected with our family of origin. So what? There are all kinds of other groups out there waiting for you to join in.
People with close friends are the happiest (Tweet it!)
People who have close friends (not thousands of likes on Facebook or billions of followers on Twitter) are the happiest people. They live the longest with the best quality of life.
I have always had a theory about hugs and human touch. But this research is stunning. And the advice for alleviating loneliness are some of the same things I tell my clients every day.
Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
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The world is a mess and people aren’t as friendly as they were when you knew all your neighbours. Here’s a radical idea. Get to know your neighbours. Okay, one neighbour. Help carry groceries upstairs. Offer to walk the barking dog.
Step out of your lonely bubble and have a real interaction with someone you see on the bus, work with, the woman behind the cheese counter at your grocery store. Turn some of your energy outward. You will get it back immeasurably. When was the last time you smiled at a child? Opened a door for someone? Practiced a small kindness for no reason?
Here are some suggestions for feeling a little less alone in this world. And remember: people and relationships need nurturing, time, and patience but the rewards will be bountiful.
And if you are lucky enough to have a partner in your life, remember you still need your tribe to thrive. One person to be your everything is a set up for disappointment. The happiest people have many social resources.
Five ways to feel less lonely and isolated and make new connections
1. Start small. You do not need to invite your entire apartment building to a dinner party. But how about next time you are in the elevator with that nice woman from the third floor you always say hello to, ask her where she gets her coffee. (No creepy guys!)
2. Reach out. Talk to strangers. Spend an extra two minutes talking to a colleague that you might like to become friends with. Friendships take time, so start one. Is there a cousin you never see enough? Reach out.
3. Do something creative. Join a pottery class, go to an exhibit, introduce yourself to the artist. Artists need love too. Join a choir, go on a bike trip. Do something you love with people who love it too. Volunteer to drive someone to a medical appointment.
4. See people face to face. Actually in the same room at the same time. Sometimes, of course, this isn’t possible, so use one of the internet’s face-to-face communication programs. FaceTime or WhatsApp is easy, and Zoom.us is free.
5. Widen your circle. Reach out to old classmates that live close. There’s nothing like a common past to get you moving towards someone. Volunteer for a reunion committee. Plan to see someone you have Facebooked with for years. Get involved in someone else’s life.
Now over to you: Let me know how your social experiment goes? It may feel uncomfortable at first trying to break out of your isolation. Give it a bit of energy and time!
