My Spring break this year was held in Palm Desert California with one grandparent, three parents and 7 grandchildren. Ages ranged from 13 to 83 and were spread over two condos, 6 bedrooms and three golf carts.
In my family I am known as a Bad Driver
Their story seems to be that I learned to drive at 19 and have had several accidents. Neither of these “family facts” are actually true: I learned to drive at 16 and drove myself to and from work at 17. I paid the driving instructor out of my own money and have never had a bad accident beyond a small fender bender years ago, nor a speeding ticket (although I probably do deserve one!).
After all these years, it still really aggravates me when they talk about my driving, and perpetuate their version of “fact” every time I return to my childhood home or are surrounded by other members of my family. I also realize that memory is elastic, and that time changes our perception and that it really doesn’t matter in the general scheme of things. But recently I caught myself getting irritated about it again, when my daughter asked what they were talking about.
I tried to explain it to her as best as I could as she didn’t understand why my family were talking about my driving in such a way. She had never experienced the Bad Driver they were all discussing – the fact being that it’s my daughter, not me who is the main insurance risk on my policy.
And then I simply decided to let it go. (Well first I called the DMV to see how far back they keep driving records and found out it’s been too long to recover. Then I put it to rest!)
Sometimes the people we love (and are often related to) assume or make decisions about who we are when we are still young, before we had chance to live our own lives and have our own children. And these collective decisions about who we are sticks. As tribal people, I suppose it is easier to just categorize personalities and leave them in their lifelong box.
Don’t judge a book by its cover.. Now this is a good, solid saying.. maybe I should get it printed on a T-shirt! (Tweet it!)
Were you always the shy kid? Now I bet you give presentations in front of hundreds of people or have your own podcast! But I hazard a guess that folks at home still refer to you as the “shy one”. In this case you have two choices: You can let this old stuff bother you and try to change people’s minds (they aren’t listening anyhow); or you can just let it go.. Let it go and understand that there are people in your current life who DO know you better. Or at least know you as an adult.
People choose to be part of your life
Now you are older and more independent, people take the time to get to know your many faceted character. They choose to be part of your life and probably also understand that you are different now from how you were. Although your family have known you since you were born – they may not actually know you. Not like your adult friends do.
I am not suggesting that you didn’t allow these people or family to get to know you: The current you. The real you [although not everyone needs to know all about every part of you]. I am saying that sometimes people have known the “you” at a certain period or stage in your life and have been left somewhere in time. It doesn’t mean they don’t care, it may just mean that their learning curve has lagged or stopped. They either haven’t had the opportunity to catch up with the “you” now. Or they haven’t thought to invest in it. That’s okay.
Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
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Reinvention makes people nervous. How can people compartmentalize you if you keep changing? Roll with it. Even if you have been married for 15 years and your great aunt still asks about the two friends you dated at the same time in high school. In these high pressured social interactions where the inevitable “family facts” pop up, you can do a few things to keep yourself neutral and centered and sane:
5 ways to handle childhood drama real or imagined that come back to bite you
- Smile and nod: Think whatever you want. Hum a little song to yourself. Think about how you will reward yourself for being so calm and even-tempered. Smiling and nodding is an underrated art form! Practice doing it whenever someone says something you don’t agree with but refuse to argue about.
- Be your own biggest fan: Only YOU truly know what you have overcome and accomplished in your life. Take pride in yourself, in how far you have come, and how well you have managed your journey along the way.
- Temper your expectations: When you do the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome, that’s a perfect recipe for disaster and disappointment. So when you are in situation where things usually become difficult, remind yourself that being upset with them won’t change anything, and try not to take comments or judgements or teasing seriously.
- Stop banging your head against a wall: You are no longer a child. Maybe you have your own children. Maybe you are 30-something or older. Learn to accept that there will be people in your life who don’t listen. You will never change their minds no matter what you say or do. Stop trying. Save your time and energy for things and people that you can positively affect.
- Be who you are no matter who you are with: Consistency is a great way to keep yourself centered. Try not to make yourself smaller when you encounter people who want to put you in a box. You can choose not to allow people to make you feel like a child or smaller than you are.
Think outside the box. Be outside the box. Just be.
Over to you – what family truths have held you back in the past? and what is YOUR truth to hold onto now?
