People often ask me when I started dating after divorce. It’s a hard question to answer. I usually start by saying that “dating sucks!!” at any age. I watched my teenagers go through the drama and heartbreak after my divorce and had no desire to jump into another relationship. If your self-esteem is shattered, as most of ours is after a divorce, why would we want to put ourselves out there again?
When you’ve shared a home and a life with your ex-spouse for years, being single takes some getting used to. The house is too quiet when the kids are with your ex. Parties you used to attend are less fun when all your friends are asking you questions about your divorce. People can be terrible gossips and if you’re what’s on the menu, it isn’t healthy and can be very emotionally damaging.
I have friends who jumped right back on the horse with hook-up sites and internet dating after divorce. The guys they found were fun and mostly younger and it was an ego boost for them after spending years in a loveless marriage. They suddenly felt attractive and wanted again. Not really my style but it worked for them. I haven’t heard any wedding bells yet but the smiles on their faces say something.
It can be tempting to jump right in!
For me, there were a few quick beginnings. It was easy to tell that they wouldn’t work long or short term. I wasn’t looking too hard and I enjoyed my quiet. It was strange to have my married friends trying to fix me up with other divorced people.
If the only thing you have in common with someone is your divorce certificate, that’s not enough. (Tweet it!)
That’s the thing about being divorced. You can do whatever you want, especially if someone has been telling you “no” for a bunch of years. There is a big beautiful world out there full of people to like you and appreciate you. My only caveat is that intimacy takes time to build. And with all those hormones and serotonin happening it’s hard to make a rational decision.
Loneliness is scary and painful and for many people, jumping right back into a relationship feels good. Especially when you don’t know the new person well enough to see their flaws. Who wouldn’t want to live in the honeymoon stage forever? I have witnessed quick second marriages that last for years and some that last for months.
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Be still before dating after divorce
But what we should all be doing is making time to be still before we jump into dating after divorce. We need to be still long enough to start to understand what you really want and need. I guess dating lite would be the best answer. To be aware of what went wrong in your marriage/relationship and try not to replace it before you figure out who you are and what you want and need.
My grandmother was married five times and engaged one other time before the poor guy died. She was a widow at least three times and wasn’t single very long in between marriages. The person she showed to this new man wasn’t who she really was. She was strong and tough and played the 75 year-old coquette. The honeymoon didn’t last long in any of these marriages. But she was of a generation that believed being without a man, even if you were a successful business woman, was a bad thing.
It’s good to be alone for a while
Being on your own isn’t a bad thing. I had my kids, work, friends and a full life. And I realized something else near the end of that first year. I had been on my own for ten years before my marriage. I was ok without someone then and I was okay now. My kids were happy. And I was happier.
How did I know? What was my proof? I started humming. That’s how I knew my groove was coming back after my divorce. I was puttering around my house humming. Driving in my car singing. I didn’t feel like crying anymore. That dark soul crushing heaviness I had been carrying around lifted. And someone came into my life soon after that. It must be working because he’s still around.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: How long did you wait to start dating again after divorce?
