The echoes of childhood laughter bounce off quiet walls
Clutter of left behind bags, books and toys are mute.
Those vibrant beings are off now, into their lives, launched by two decades
of love, wounds, healing, nurturing guidance, constant disagreements and care.
Both part of me for a short time, expelled into the light and air.
“Mommy don’t ever leave me” the little one used to say.
I smiled and knew that she would leave me first.
Tamara Mendelson
Do not be afraid
To just be whom you are
People who love you will
And others will not
Why try to be who they want
They will hate anyway
Tamara Mendelson
I am celebrating my birthday this week. Not a big birthday. No round numbers like a 0 or a 5. Not a milestone birthday that would launch me into a new decade or signal my retirement. Not a prime number as it is divisible by 19.33 and 3.05. An ordinary number for an ordinary birthday.
People always ask what someone wants for their birthday. It’s an odd question really unless you are eight years old.
What do I want for my birthday? Let’s see… I don’t need anything, not really. It is a treat to spend time with my kids and my friends but other than that. A walk on the beach. Some rain in the forecast.
Then some people press on… “No, really. What do you want?” So then my requests get more difficult and larger. It’s what I really want. There is not so much in between.
Peace on earth if that isn’t too much trouble. Treating women with equality and dignity. Ending all the armed conflicts. Making sure all children have access to good food, clean water, safe shelter, and an education. Definitely an education.
The power to help make any of these things happen. To help effect change. So by this point, my well-meaning friends are rolling their eyes, and I get that. I was just trying to answer the question.
My Dad turned 84 last week. What did he get for his birthday? A trip to the emergency room and a new pacemaker. That is a sucky gift but the fact that he is alive and is in pretty good shape is a nice gift for me and my siblings and everyone that knows him.
How cool would it be if we were assigned super powers for our birthdays? Flying, that would be great. I have spent a fair amount of time in airports this summer and to skip that whole experience would be great.
I wish I could fly without the assistance of an airplane. Wings would be kind of cool. The extra width on top would make up for my widening middle section. Hell, I wish I could read without my glasses. That’s not possible anymore either. Still, all in all I am doing okay.
Just recently, to my shock and surprise, I have discovered a new super power.
It doesn’t come with an invisible plane like Wonder Woman. Or an invisibility cloak like Harry Potter. In fact there are no cool gadgets attached at all. There isn’t even an on and off switch.
Don’t be jealous. It is the power of stealth. Maybe it would be helpful if I were a spy. It’s a power that we all acquire at one time or another. As we age though it, it may become a permanent thing. So at 50 plus you become invisible to anyone under the age of 25. Maybe even anyone under the age of 30.
I saw a sketch about getting older once on the Amy Schumer show or comedy central and it resonated with me. It was about women aging out of parts in Hollywood. The one example that was brought up was Sally Field playing Tom Hanks love interest in Punchline and then 6 years later in Forrest Gump playing his elderly mother.
So, Amy is wandering through the woods. She comes out into the light and three women all stars for decades are laughing and toasting one another and having some sort of celebratory lunch. The table is laden with all kinds of high calorie goodies.They revel in the fact that Julia doesn’t have to maintain her body anymore as Hollywood has decided that she is done being desirable. Tina Fey, toasts Julia Louis Dreyfus last f**kable day as an actress.
The point that men don’t have this issue was made very clearly. So, as people, do we all age out of being considered attractive, sexy, relevant or interesting? I think things are changing for the better but the fact that beauty and relevance have expiration dates is disheartening.
The flip side of all this invisibility is I see myself more clearly than I ever have. I am more comfortable with the things I cannot do and try to focus on the things I can do. My ability to concentrate has increased and I recently worked toward a certification online in Positive Psychology. I heard one of the professors do a TED Talk about grit and followed her back to the source. It was exciting and I felt proud learning something new.
And I am beginning to believe that I may have also acquired another super power along the way that is much more useful. Wisdom.
The ability to discern inner qualities and relationships: insight.
The ability to use good judgement and make the correct or appropriate decision in difficult or challenging situations.
Accumulated philosophical or scientific learning: knowledge.
A wise attitude, belief, or course of action.
My children ask me things all the time and I can answer with some sort of reasonable explanation and they are kind of surprised. “Mom, how do you know that?” I shrug my shoulders because I can’t really answer them and sometimes it’s a little embarrassing to come up with this stuff out of thin air. Well not really thin air but out of years and years of experiences, living, and being alive.
If the superpower of invisibility comes with wisdom then that’s okay.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: What is your super power?
Silence is louder than lightning.
There is no flash to blind.
The nothingness of an echo
that is swallowed by a chasm.
Words left unsaid stuck in my mouth,
swallowed bitter and whole.
And the rest in my belly covering
anger, after all covers sadness,
no light in the darkness, no sound.
Tamara Mendelson
“School days school days good old golden rule days…“ My cheerful and wickedly funny mother used to sing this song to us at least two weeks before school started. I could hear glee in her voice as we groaned. The more we groaned the louder she sang. With four of us, six years apart total that was a considerable amount of organization and implementation that went into getting us ready for an early September start date.
The second phrase in the song is especially poignant for me. My mom lived by the golden rule. The basic tenant of most major religions, of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.
I think that would be a great way to start 1st grade or kindergarten. Would that help decrease bullying, I wonder? If we really taught children empathy and what it is like live in someone else’s shoes?
The world these days seems less empathetic to me. It’s one thing to tell your children to be nice to others. Showing them by example is more effective but is also a great deal harder to model.
Maybe next time someone cuts you off in traffic don’t yell at them or call them names… Just say, “Guess he was in a hurry” and let it go. I get it. Traffic sucks all over the world except in places where they don’t have cars. Get that, a little privilege humor.
Another way to instill compassion in children is to call out instances outside the family of people doing good things for our communities, nations, and the world. These instances may seem to be hard to come by at the moment when mean bullying behavior has been normalized.
Donate those old clothes and shoes that your children have outgrown. Donate those not so old clothes that you have outgrown. Or don’t wear or don’t need. It’s a great family project and can help people other people. Start a food drive in your community. Not just at Xmas time or during other holidays.
In my classroom at a local college the students have a lot. They dress well and most have cars. Certainly, they all have smartphones and brand name sneakers. At the end of the school year, a couple of students in the class did a presentation about poverty in our community. They talked about 1 in 5 families struggling. It was the first time all year that the class was completely quiet. Silence. We had an entire unit on food shortages all over the world. It was the first time they got it. And these two students are trying to do something in their community to make things better for the less fortunate. A person or two people can make a difference. Compassion, empathy, and the will to do something to help. Good students.
When potential new immigrants or asylum seekers are turned away at the borders or incarcerated when all our ancestors were at one time or another immigrants, legal or otherwise. Or when parents are separated from their children and lost track of in some mistaken crusade for keeping Americans safe. In some Middle Eastern and African countries when girls are not allowed to go to school or to be educated. When speaking your mind could end your life.
By not being apathetic and by speaking out against them. By being an example of how people should behave. And by not saying things like “girls are bad at math” and “boys are good at sports” by not perpetuating stereotypes but treating people as individuals not defined by their sex, age, race, nation of birth, or gender.
…So let’s start smaller:
Changing the world can seem like a boulder you need to push uphill.
Try not getting annoyed by something unimportant and saving your energy for the big things. Do one kind thing today even if no one is watching.
Tell someone studying something earthshaking that what they are doing matters. Say for example a niece working on researching and or inventing biodegradable or edible packaging to help end the tremendous plastic problem we currently have on planet earth.
Education is a gift. Knowledge is the best power to combat insensitivity and disregard. We are never too old to learn new things. If taking a class seems too great a commitment watch a documentary about bees or something.
No matter who is going back to school, your five-year-old to kindergarten, or your partner going back to finish high school or completing their college degree send them out there with your full support. Make sure they understand what they are doing is meaningful and expanding their minds is the best way to guard against ignorance.
And if you want to sing the song my mother did to rub in the fact that you aren’t going to school I’ll be happy to sing it for you.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: How do you prepare your children or yourself to go back to school?
Rage rises off you
in shimmering waves
disturbing the air,
with movement and vibration,
nothing really moves.
It dissipates,
spreading out and clinging to
everything.
And circles like a cyclone
black and thick,
wiping out the sun.
And when you are sure
everyone is swept up
you step away.
Tamara Mendelson
The phrase “practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty” was written by Anne Herbert on a placemat in Sausalito, California in 1982. It was based on and, in some way, to counteract or contrast the phrase “random acts of violence and senseless acts of cruelty”.
This phrase has always resonated with me and I believe it to be a basic tenet of Tikkun Olam. Translated into English this means “to repair the world”.
Could it be that the world we live in is less kind world than the one we grew up in? Or are we just more aware of the unkindness and incivility as it is splashed over every image electronic or otherwise that we see and hear? When yelling seems to be a perfectly acceptable way of making your point.
At the time Herbert wrote on that napkin these profound words I was the age my daughter is now and I believe the world was a kinder place. Or at least more civilized.
I am not talking about healthy debate. I am talking about a way to interact with other people that begins in hostility and anger. An anger that is almost instantaneous. Quite unprovoked and completely over the top. There is no counting to ten in this scenario. Someone disagrees with you and you scream. It makes no sense to me.
Kindness isn’t weakness. Decency should be our lowest common denominator of human interaction, not the highest. It’s not a free speech issue either. It’s free to say whatever hurtful crap you feel like saying because there are no repercussions.
Common courtesy is how we live together in a peaceful society.
Or apologize by still blaming us for making them act the way they do.
It reminds me of a car advertisement about an engine that can go from zero to 60 in under 5 seconds. So too, is seeming calm to rage in under 60 seconds.
I have a theory that people who yell and scream and feel justified to vent any time they want somehow feel better after the incident or outburst. Like letting steam out of a boiling kettle or taking your foot off the gas pedal. Unfortunately, the one who was yelled at or had anger screamed all over them has no such relief.
And further, I believe this hostile behavior of completely out of proportion outbursts is a learned behavior. Temper tantrums are for little children who cannot or are unable to express their feelings in any other way. A grown ass adult shouldn’t be allowed to behave that way. No matter who they are.
The more people get away with it, say over a lifetime, the more acceptable to them it becomes. “He sure does have a temper” or “that’s just how she talks” or “he’s under a lot of pressure” aren’t explanations. It’s acceptance and enabling this sort of behavior to continue and go unchecked. To be laughed off and unconfronted.
Human interaction doesn’t have to be confrontational. There is an us and them going on in the world today that evokes hostility. In many cases I believe anger covers up fear and fear is scary. So why not just yell until you feel better? Because it takes a terrible toll on the people around you.
I see this in my practice with people in relationships both long and short term, where one partner can’t control themselves and is unable to filter or doesn’t want to get a handle on their outbursts.
Unfortunately, we have all sorts of ways to overreact now. Not just fact to face but on the phone, text, email, Facebook, FaceTime. And the other person in the relationship tries to be reasonable and in many cases apologizes for nothing in particular just to get back to some sort of calm.
It’s the containment that we, as a society, have lost the ability to do. You feel anger? Take a breath. Are you mad at someone or something? Don’t lash out. Try instead to figure out the trigger and work on that. I have a friend that used to make the sound of a truck backing up when she thought someone was going to dump on her. It was very effective at getting people’s attention and changing the atmosphere.
Don’t let anyone be unkind or uncivil to you. If someone says something, and you are not afraid for your life, call them on their crap. Walking on eggshells until the next outburst isn’t the way to live your best life. And just because it has always been that way it doesn’t mean it always has to be that way in the future. You deserve kindness and respect.
The next time you feel yourself get angry, stop and think about the source and proportion of that anger. You are not a three-year-old. Get a grip.
When we are in a relationship of any type it seems a basic premise that their feelings or comfort should be important to us. And as I get older I find the people whom I spend most of my time with have many lovely qualities, but above all I would say kindness is the most important one.
Examine the interactions in your life. If you feel angry and bitter work on that and not taking it out on the people around you. Model kindness.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: How do you control your anger?
Sadness falls
like a dark curtain blocking out the light
The ache spreads like a brush fire
consuming, ravaging everything in it’s path
Unstoppable
until the winds changes
or there is nothing left to burn
and it smolders white hot ash
and then dies
for lack of fuel
leaving behind blackened earth
and a hole where once was life
now deadened air.
Tamara Mendelson
“To throw (someone) under the bus” is an idiomatic phrase in American English meaning to betray a friend or ally for selfish reasons. It is typically used to describe a self-defensive disavowal and severance of a previously-friendly relationship when the relation becomes controversial or unpopular.
And I would add here someone is under tremendous pressure and want to let it out in some less than productive way.
Yesterday I got thrown under the bus at work. I was surprised and disappointed as it was someone I know well and respect their professionalism. Well… Until yesterday.
College campuses are not easy places to work. There are many different tiers of tenure and people who lecture/teach hourly can get pushed around a lot. Some semesters there is more work as enrollment increases. Some semesters, for reasons no one can explain, fewer students apply.
Most of us teach because we really love the students and the teaching. Not for getting rich or chasing the tenure track. You would think that this would create some kind of community when in fact the opposite is sometimes true.
Getting an email from the head of the department late in the evening is usually not a cause for concern. It’s when we catch up. We are all on campus most days and it’s a way to get organized for the next day or bring up things as they happen. Last night I was forwarded an email that called my integrity and judgement into question.
I had seen this colleague earlier in the day and although she seemed overwhelmed and stressed I didn’t think it was directed towards me personally. We all handle our own secretarial work and she let me do something quickly before class started. I was appreciative.
My second reaction was anger but it was short-lived as I tried to figure out why this person felt the need to “tell” on me and throw me under the bus like that. Then I figured it was less to do with me and more to do with her situation. Maybe she took on too much. It’s getting near the end of the term and tempers flare. What surprised me the most was that I had hosted this person in my home and tried to be supportive of her when she needed to vent in the past. Or help with other administrative tasks.
I did call another teacher I respect and asked her what she thought of the situation.
We agreed that it was an odd choice not to speak to me directly and we had all agreed earlier in the term about the problem in question.
I calmly wrote a succinct email back to my supervisor and she asked if I wanted her to send my email to the other teacher in question. I said I didn’t think it would help as maybe she just needed to be heard.
Throwing someone under the bus is an act of anger, frustration, or insecurity. It’s not a behaviour of someone who is calm and self confident. It’s a reactionary thing to deflect blame or feel like you are doing something proactive. It could have all been avoided if she had just talked to me.
So what do you do if you have been thrown you under the bus?
Then dust yourself off and try to figure out what the issue is really about. If you did make a mistake own up to it.
Or write. Explain how you see the situation without blaming the other person.
Try to offer a solution going forward that might take the drama and angst out of the situation.
And try to avoid confirmation in the future. Some people need that confrontation to feel in the right and in control even if neither is true.
Some people are not team players and don’t understand how to communicate in a positive productive way. It’s all about how hard they work, how no one appreciates them, and they have no understanding of how their behavior affects other people. Minimize contact and move on.
It isn’t your job to fix someone. Sometimes people can’t hear what you are saying because they are so wrapped up in their own drama and way of looking at the world.
It can happen in any work environment. And usually if someone throws people under the bus as a habit it won’t surprise anyone when it happens again. Don’t be a doormat but don’t buy into the drama either.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: When was the last time you got thrown under the bus? How did you cope?
Are you one of those people who thinks four hours of sleep is enough? For the clear majority of us that isn’t enough.
There are all sorts of scientific studies that cite the fact that less than five hours of sleep a night is not good for you, your overall health, or longevity. If part of your life plan is to get healthy and stay healthy, sleep must be part of that lifestyle routine.
And for many reasons we aren’t sleeping very well or for long enough. So, what do we do? First find out if ‘not sleeping’ is a physical thing. Sleep apnea and other such breathing issues are very serious health conditions and should be treated by physicians and experts in the field.
After ruling out something physical out start thinking about a bedtime routine. To get yourself ready to sleep. Just as we enforce a bedtime routine for the children in our lives, so too should we make our own bedtime routine part of our lives.
One of my favourite moments as a parent was bedtime. Not because my children went to sleep like little angels. Or because I had some quiet time before I dropped exhausted into my own bed. Twilight time was special.
It began with bath time. When the dirty, grimy, sweaty little bodies were clean, and their hair was wet and slicked back and sweet. Dressed in their adorable little kid pyjamas. The lights were dimmed, and books were read. I would sing to them. It didn’t matter what song it was part of the ritual of bedtime.
As adults we don’t get tucked into bed much. We may get into bed, watch tv, use our laptops, notebooks or smart phones right there in bed with us. It’s no wonder most of us can’t sleep. Or sleep fitfully.
We have the order of things all wrong at the end of the day. We rev up in the evening not down. Trying to get one more thing done. Play one more game of words with friends. Scroll though a couple more Facebook pages. All activities that alert our bodies that it is not time to rest.
There is documented proof that the blue light emitted from phones and televisions and tablets all can keep us awake. So why do we invite them into our bedrooms? I think for many of us we have forgotten the function of the room with the bed in it. Sleeping, resting, or having sex.
That means everything. Remember alarm clocks? They work great for waking you up and telling the time, and they don’t mess with your circadian rhythms that tell you when it’s time to sleep.
Have a bedtime that is as close to the same time every night as you can. Yes, we all have work commitments and social occasions. Deadlines and family time. Bedtime every night at the same time is a suggestion. Make your bed a haven. Keep it clear of clothes. Neaten up the room. If you don’t have energy to do this put everything in a clothes basket and put it outside the door to be dealt with another time.
A shower with a soothing scented soap. Some suggestions although the sense of smell is so subjective for each of us. You might try, Lavender, Chamomile, Bergamot, Jasmine, Rose and Sandalwood. Sip tea with the same calming vibe in mind.
(Not on your tablet or smartphone). And this needs to have nothing to do with your work. Listen to some music (not from your phone) or a podcast, comedy show, white noise set the mood. Keep lights low and let yourself unwind. If you share a bed or bedroom, try to get your partner to do this with you.
Keep a pad and pen (not your smartphone), and if you are stuck on a thought or making lists in your head of things you didn’t accomplish, write it down. Write a to do list or jot down what’s bothering you. Start bullet journaling and just get those nagging thoughts out of your head, down on paper, and then put it in a drawer or under your bed or turn the pad over on the bedside table.
We do not make good decisions when we are not well rested. Everything is harder to deal with when we are looking through bleary over strained eyes. You deserve a good night’s sleep. Tuck yourself in gently tonight and be kind to yourself. Le me know how it goes.
Now over to you: Can you relate to some of this? What is your best bedtime routine? Let me know in my Facebook community.
