Moving forward and the magic of tidying up

My landlords just sold the house I’ve been living in for the last six years. The first place I lived after my divorce. My moving out date is July 1st. And as I look forward with relocation looming, I started to think about getting rid of things I no longer want or need.

I’ve had many deep conversations with my coaching clients about holding on to things we don’t need and the burden it creates. Purging my life of things I don’t use happens once or twice a year. I have a friend who is a professional organizer, and she comes to fold linens and add moral support while taking bags of stuff to be recycled or donated. But this time it’s different. I am moving from 4 bedrooms with a basement to 3 bedrooms and no extra storage.

I’m a big fan of audible books. I have belonged for about a year and have 10 books on a waiting list, one being, The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. I’ve read articles about the book and I’ve heard Marie Kondo speak on a morning show. I think her ideas are brilliant but her execution a bit severe. Still, I wanted to start thinking about downsizing and was open to getting inspiration from any place. Another very organized friend gave me Move your stuff: Change your life. I wasn’t ready to move stuff at the time. Now I am.

Making space

So, I bought Marie Kondo’s book, knowing in advance that I don’t live like the Japanese. Space is at a premium on the Island of Japan, so I would keep that in mind. The narrator had a lovely voice. And in the introduction, she claims and almost boasts that she has no rebounds with her clients. I was in the car listening and laughed out loud. The Konmari method is what she calls her system, a combination of her first and last name. She even organized as a five year-old. I laughed even harder.

As a teenager, she read home improvement magazines and tried almost every organizing method and system. She bought countless baskets, bins, and shelving units only to get rid of them as they didn’t work in the end. Then she talked about the spiritual aspect of decluttering and thanking each item you discard for it’s service. This also make me laugh.

I am not so attached to everything I own as to kiss it good-bye and send it on its journey. Okay, so she wants you to touch everything in your possession and decide if it gives you joy. If not, it is thanked and sent on its way. Full disclosure here, in the last two years, I have had two floods, one mold attack, and a robbery. I have less things because of all these events. Especially precious things. The losses have been substantial and many items were irrespirable.

Embrace the opportunity to learn

The best thing I got out of the book was how to fold things into little rectangles and put things vertically into drawers so that each thing can be seen and identified. And her method of starting with clothes and shoes and moving onto other things was useful. I didn’t use her method exactly, but did throw out old receipts and pictures and got my paperwork under control for the first time in years.

From the book, I also understand that Marie Kondo lives alone and empties her purse out every night. That everything in her life has a space. No children or significant other to clutter her space. No pets to messy up her perfectly ordered life. She has a bookshelf in her closet. One tiny bookshelf with all her books. I am an avid reader and I love books. I’m keeping ALL of them along with the bookcases that hold these precious volumes.

She does mention not going through other people’s stuff. My children don’t live at home full-time and sorting through their things isn’t on my list until June. They know what date the move will take place so that’s a deadline I don’t have to reinforce. Like any self-help book, this one offers great wisdom and should be sifted through like any other advice. Taking from it what works for you.

My Post-Divorce Clean Up Advice?

Let some time go by. Don’t make huge decisions while you are still raw.
Don’t chuck things that remind you of your ex. Your kids might want them someday. Box them up if you have the space and deal with them later. Wounds are too fresh
Photos can also be put away and discarded later. At least keep the frames. They were expensive!
Allow yourself to pick a time of your choosing and invite a friend to help.
Going through old love letters and pictures is a good way to remind yourself you are desirable. If you’d like to chat, reach out.

We are not our stuff. It does not define us. Except maybe shoes (Tweet it!)

Over to you: how did you ‘clean up’ after your divorce?

On Mother’s Day after divorce

All holidays are a little more challenging after divorce. Anniversaries are difficult. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day too – especially if your children are too young to manage breakfast in bed or even know the days of the week. Or put crayon to paper instead of putting it into their mouths.

Mid-May is Mother’s Day in the United States and Canada. In the UK, it was celebrated in March. It has always surprised me that Mother’s Day is but one day a year. Motherhood is by far the most difficult and rewarding of all occupations. And it’s one you commit to for 18 years without a break. As my children get older, the worries get bigger. I had no idea that once they move out of your realm of influence, it is harder not to worry, hang on, and try not to interfere. With age comes wisdom and experience. Two things they don’t really want to hear about.

This year on Mother’s Day, my adult children will be away. One in the army and one in Africa. I do not share children with the man in my life and Sunday is just another day of the week here in Israel. My ex won’t remember, as it isn’t a local holiday. If I remind him, I might get a text. But that seems forced.

I speak with my coaching clients a lot about feeling appreciated. It’s tricky. We want recognition for our work but it was asked for it, we seem desperate.

For me, my own Mother’s Days ceased to be joyous when my own Mother died. She was very into multiple cards and small silly gifts. I have a brightly colored chenille robe that she bought me on her last Mother’s Day. I spoke to a friend this morning whose own mother passed last year. And she’s dreading the day.

Take the pressure off

So this year, let’s take the pressure off. If you have your kids with you, great. If not, your ex’s mother can get all dressed up and try to find a place to eat when everyone else is taking their mother out. So, you’ll end up at a crowded place with cold coffee and runny eggs. Don’t buy into the crazy.

If you are lucky enough to have a mother, then call her, send her a card, or make her breakfast if she’s close enough. Thank her on Sunday the 14th (and every day!!) for all that she’s done. And if you haven’t figured this out yet (everyone with teenagers say I!) we do not have children to be appreciated. If they turn out to be good, caring, decent people, then that’s a win. And sometimes we do absolutely everything right and it still doesn’t work out.

To be a good parent is to be a good person. Nobody is perfect. (Tweet it!)

Showing our children life’s reality is sometimes a painful thing. The year my Mother died, I cried for six months. My daughter was eleven and tall for her age. Whenever she saw me tear up she hugged me. And having these moments made it a little easier to be without my mom.

If your children resent you for the divorce now, that won’t last. When they have some real-life experience, they may thank you. Growing up in a tension-filled home without love isn’t doing anyone a favor. That is not the example I wanted my kids to grow up with.

Next Sunday I will toast my own mother. And take myself out for brunch if I want to or not.

Over to you: how will you spend Mother’s Day this year?

On the power of long-term friendships after divorce

long-term-friendships-after-divorce-tamara-mendelson

Traveling isn’t any fun anymore. The world is a scary place and the security checks and long lines in passport control (although necessary for our safety) are tough on the traveler. Being compressed into a germ-filled, flying tin can for hours on end doesn’t add to the glamour. Especially when not everyone shares the same level of personal hygiene or possesses an inside voice.

It had been some difficult months for me and I was looking forward to some quiet time with one of my dearest friends. We had three days planned. Thanks to a canceled flight with no explanation from the airline, one of those days were spent not going anywhere. I reached my destination 24 hours late.

I was so disappointed. Calling her from baggage claim, upset and teary-eyed, I waited to pick up the luggage I had checked three hours earlier. A night of sleep had been lost and the next night would be no different. She was calm and sweet and very reassuring. Spending time with her has always felt like a salve. She has an amazing telephone voice. I hung up the phone, grabbed my bag, and headed to the taxi stand. Coaching my client’s to deal with stressful situations is one of the most rewarding parts of my work. I help them face challenges head-on, it was time to listen to my own advice.

Getting by with a little help from long-term friendships

As I was riding home early that morning, I thought about our friendship. It began in the spring of 1986 when a mutual friend skipped our introduction brunch. The memories came flooding back.

The thing about life-long friendships is the love and acceptance one receives (Tweet it!)

That sometimes doesn’t happen in our marriages. It shouldn’t be that way, but oftentimes it seems to be.

We have known one another through 30 plus years. We’ve lived on different continents for the last 20 years. We see each other maybe once a year for big life events and very special occasions. We were married and pregnant the same summer with her youngest and my oldest child. Neither of our marriages survived but our friendship has endured for three decades. My kids think of her as an auntie and her kids call me auntie.

I remember when she called me in the middle of the night to tell me her marriage was over. She is one of the most intelligent, charming, and capable women I have ever met. The pain she was feeling was evident in her tone of voice. I listened carefully, holding my infant son over my shoulder. I did everything I could think of to reassure her that her decision was the right one for her and her children. When my own marriage broke up some ten years later, she was the one to insist I get a lawyer.

Learning from the best

My parenting style is modeled after watching her interact with her own children. Yes, they were children of divorce, but they were also children that knew they were cherished and would be very generous, productive members of society. The “cure cancer” kind of world-bettering people. She is a very successful businesswoman, and yet her children are her proudest legacy.

She was waiting at the gate when I finally landed and enveloped me in a hug. We walked arm and arm to the car. Our time together was closer to 36 hours than the three planned days. We hugged a lot and laughed a lot, exchanged small gifts, and caught up on our children & friends. My carry-on was falling apart, and she insisted on giving me one of hers. I will smile every time I use it knowing it was from S. A little good luck charm to help me safely on my travels until she and I meet again.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: how did your divorce affect your long-term friendships?

Spring cleaning after divorce

I was thinking about spring this morning. The sky was a deep blue, cloudless. It was still cold, but some brave flowers were blooming and when I stood directly in the sun, I felt warm. For a minute. Then I hurried across the campus where I teach to grab a hot cup of coffee.

I was also thinking about women. The women around the world who don’t have the same rights that I have enjoyed. I was feeling a little afraid about the future of healthcare and reproductive rights. I made the decision to run in a charity event for breast cancer support at the end of the month and I wrote a check to Planned Parenthood.

Earlier this week, I went to the hospital for a test I’ve been putting off for five years. Won’t go into the details, but it was a horrible experience with a good clean ending. Fear should not keep us from taking care of ourselves. And it so great to check something off my list that doesn’t have to be done again for five years. My clients regularly speak to me about their medical fears. This time, it was me who took their advice to stay calm and positive.

Spring cleaning yourself after divorce

Preventative care. That’s what I’m talking about. It’s why we try to eat right and exercise and quit smoking. We need to start putting “us” on the calendar. There are so many things we put off for no reason other than: who really wants to visit a doctor or dentist if they don’t have to? Spring cleaning after divorce is about learning to focus on yourself more often.

People are not self-cleaning ovens.(Tweet it!)

We can’t just put our temperature on maximum and expect all the baked-on crud of a lifetime of bad habits to burn away. And after divorce, sometimes these things fall down even further on our to-do lists. But early detection saves lives.

As we get older, there are things that need to be monitored more closely. Mammograms should be done every year or two depending on your family history beginning at 40. Teeth cleaning should be done twice a year especially to help identify and prevent gum disease and tooth decay. Blood tests should be once a year. It’s good to have a baseline as high blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes are generally cumulative problems that should not be left unchecked.

After a divorce, extra stress may play a role in your health as well. This is NOT the time to take less care of yourself. If your children are young, make an appointment for yourself when you make their annual appointments. It’s a good example for your children to know that once a year, you see the doctor too. Maybe next time they need a check-up it won’t be a struggle to get them to go. And maybe you’ll start to worry and care for yourself the way you worry and care for your loved ones.

My daughter just reminded me that her dentist appointment is Thursday. I guess I better call and make an appointment too!

Now over to you: How will you commit to taking better care of yourself this spring? I’d love to hear!

How to navigate inequity and motherhood after divorce

I’ve been thinking a lot about equity lately, and the inequity of divorce. About how my generation is less well off than my parent’s generation. And about the fact that I live in a rented house and drive a beat up, 8-year-old car. The same car that both my kids learned to drive in (hence the appearance).

I have been generous with my time, resources and love from the moment they were born. But when I’m feeling down, I often wonder if that is enough. When children are grown, there is often a huge shift in motherhood. But motherhood with grown children AND divorce? Sometimes it’s a field full of landmines for my self-esteem.

My ex lives with his girlfriend in a huge house with a garden that she owns and they renovated together. They just bought the kids a nice used car to share. They have taken expensive vacations and regularly go out to the most exclusive restaurants in the city for family events and holidays.

It’s a blessing that my ex’s girlfriend and her kids get along with my kids and I know it’s irrational to feel like I have been replaced. But sometimes it gets to me. I supply tampons and socks and their favorite home-cooked meals. I can tell what mood they’re in and how they’re feeling with one word.

During coaching sessions, I see that many clients are going through the same feeling, often in different scenarios.

52 ways to move towards joy after divorce

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Motherhood is giving your children what they need

We mothers know our children come home when they feel sick or injured. I will always be mommy and I have a very close relationship with both of my children. Someday, I might be able to take them on nice trips. But it doesn’t matter. It’s only my pride. They don’t see that sometimes it hurts a little when they talk about the next big adventure that I will not be a part of.

It’s hard not to feel competitive under these circumstances. It’s not within my means or my parenting philosophy to shower my children with material goods.

So I choose to believe that wherever I am, I am home to my children. (Tweet it!)

And that that is the most important thing I can give them as they begin to test the waters of adulthood.

Now over to you: How do you navigate inequity and motherhood after divorce?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Divorced during the holidays? Grab my free video training!

Last week on the blog, I shared 5 ways to celebrate (and enjoy!) the holidays after divorce. I remember the first holiday season after my own divorce. Every event and interaction was so emotionally charged. It didn’t feel like the holidays without our long-held family traditions. But there are a few strategies I’ve developed over the years that have helped me feel happy and balanced. Even though everything is completely different now.

I shared these strategies because I hope I can help you make this transition a little faster than I did. I wanted to share how inventing new traditions and decorating lifted my spirits during the holidays in the years after my divorce. It was important for me to tell you that it’s a CHOICE to be alone at the holidays. I wanted to stress the importance of doing the emotional heavy lifting prior to the day. And I wanted to share that sometimes, throwing your own party exactly the way you’ve always wanted to is just the best way to go!

Divorced at the Holidays video training

And that’s why I recorded my recent From Hollywood to the Holy Land webinar! I want to gift you this free, hour-long training I held with my fellow divorced besties – Diane Burroughs of Left at 50 and our good friend Elaine who is currently going through her very first holiday season as a divorcee.

In this free training, we chat about strategies for practicing mindful self care, the strategies that keep us happy and centered during the holidays, and how to keep it all in perspective. Want to watch? Simply sign up below and I’ll send the recording straight to your inbox!

 

Grab your “Divorced at the Holidays” video training!

Join me and my fellow divorced besties as we talk about navigating the holiday season after divorce & how to practice self care when you need it most!
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How to navigate your first post-divorce Thanksgiving

Holidays are stressful at the best of times. But when you’re newly-divorced? Being single during the holidays for the first time in years adds a whole new element of pressure. How do we let some of the pressure go? We open the lid!

Here are my top 5 strategies for promoting self-care during your first post-divorce Thanksgiving.

Lower your expectations

Part of the disappointment surrounding the holidays comes from having unrealistic expectations that this year will be better or different than years before. But really, it’s about being grateful. And it just a day. It’s a meal where everyone eats too much and relaxes far too little.

Be open to new traditions

Getting your groove back after a divorce is all about new traditions and doing the right thing for you and your children. Thanksgiving is one day a year and the weekend can be shared. If Thanksgiving has never been important to you, don’t make it important now. If it is important, then try to share or trade off. No one solution works for every family. If you and your ex are on good terms, you might have the dinner together. At least the first year. It will give your children continuity even if you and your ex are uncomfortable. And I think all parents will agree: their children’s comfort is always more important than their own.

When I was younger, I spent a long weekend with a dear friend whose parents were divorced. The first meal was with her father and his new wife at noon. Everything was puréed and no sugar added. I was starving and ate my fill of the less-than stellar spread. But my friend neglected to warn me to save room for her Mom’s gourmet Thanksgiving dinner later in the day!

That’s one way to do it. Negotiation is key. And no matter how angry or hurt you are, remember that you loved this person once. You had children with them. Try to offer them the kindness and common courtesy of a total stranger.

For the first few years after our divorce, my ex and I had holidays with our children. Not his family and not my family. We actually celebrated just the 4 of us. It wasn’t always pleasant or comfortable but it was what we thought was best for our children. The divorce wasn’t their doing and we wanted to make that clear from the beginning and reinforce that notion whenever possible by sucking it up and making the holidays as special as they always were.

Give yourself a break

Thanksgiving is usually a family holiday. But maybe your family totally stresses you out. Maybe they looooved your ex and they make you feel guilty for the split. Just because you’re related to these people doesn’t mean you have to spend Thanksgiving with them. Your family loves you but that doesn’t give them an open forum to expound on your perceived mistakes. It is your choice to be somewhere else.

And if the turkey has been served at your house every year for the past twenty years, take a year off. Let someone else plan, cook, and serve the dinner. And if you do attend, make sure people know that your personal life is not on the menu.

Make alternative plans

Is the beginning of the holiday season as a divorcee bringing up too many emotions? Why not volunteer at a soup kitchen instead? Many charities, churches, synagogues, and other houses of worship have a great need for help during the holidays. Retirement facilities would greatly appreciate someone willing to be there during the long Thanksgiving weekend as well. Sometimes focusing your energy outwards is the key to ending the wallowing.

If volunteering is too big a leap for you, how about attending someone else’s holiday meal? Community Thanksgiving meals are common. Find out what’s going on in your town!

Attend a friend’s holiday meal

Most hosts would love to have another pair of adult hands assist them. And other peoples’ family dysfunction isn’t nearly as awkward, painful, or stressful as the one you were born into. It might even be way more entertaining. The food might be better too.

When people begin talking holiday plans at work, let them know you need a place to be.

Let your friends know with a phone call, Facebook, or email that you are looking for a place to hang your hat on Thanksgiving. Dealing with divorced friends can be awkward for people … they often don’t know if inviting you alone will bring up emotions. They don’t want to rock the boat. So make your intentions clear. Make this Thanksgiving what you want it to be.

And never stop reminding yourself: Thanksgiving is one day. (Tweet it!)

24 hours. A Thursday in November. You are not in fourth grade and this isn’t a classmates’ birthday party. Figure out where you want to be. And if staying home in your sweatpants with a turkey sandwich while binge watching Ray Donovan is where you want to be … more power to you!

Self care is not selfish

Who decided that taking care of yourself is selfish?

As women, we are often expected to be everything to everyone and if we take time out for ourselves, it’s selfish. Or worse still, a luxury that can be given up when time or resources are scarce. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I remember a story my mother once told me that I didn’t understand. Looking back, I realize it was about self-care.

There once was a woman with many children. She came through the door one evening after a long exhausting day and all of her children were whining and complaining about being hungry and wanting dinner. She went into the kitchen and closed the door. Pots and pans were banging. Drawers were opening and closing. Chopping and stirring. Gas burners hissing. The oven door opened and closed. The children heard a chair being pulled across the floor. Then all was quiet except for the sound of silverware against a plate. Once she had eaten, the mother cleared her plate. Only then did she move on to the task of feeding her brood. Many of my clients appreciate the story and STILL feel that they can’t do it themselves.

I remember thinking how selfish that woman was, putting her own needs before her children. I asked my mother about the story and she said, “If the mother doesn’t take care of herself, how can she care for her children?” Twenty years, two children, two businesses, one masters degree and one divorce later, I finally understand this story and its simple message:

Caretakers need to take care of themselves! (Tweet it!)

How to commit to self care this holiday season

Welcome to our first annual Self Care November. Before the stress and demands of the holidays are upon you, it’s time to start taking better care of yourself.

Let’s start by saying no to things that we don’t enjoy or want to do. Don’t volunteer just because you’ve been doing it for years and feel obligated. My friend and Mentor Sam Bennet does a gut check when people ask her to do things. If it feels good and there is some excitement, then it’s a resounding yes. If she is waffling at all, then it’s a no. To her, wavering at all means no. Stop torturing yourself with the following list:

  • “Maybe”
  • “I need to because … ”
  • “I should”
  • “They’re expecting”
  • “I have to”

If any of these answers come to mind when you’re asked to do something, take a breath and say no this year. That includes church groups, synagogue boards, school events, or work parties. Holidays are stressful enough. Cut down on your commitments so that you can really enjoy your family and friends this season. Who wants to be a frazzled mess on January 2nd? That’s no way to start the new year. Just thank the person for thinking of you, and politely tell them that you’re all booked up.
For the newly divorced, holidays can be a minefield. In the weeks to come, I will be sharing tips on how to get through the holiday season with your joy intact.

Divorce is a great time to begin new traditions. Just because you’ve always done things a certain way doesn’t mean that things can’t change. Start thinking about changes you want to make and the traditions you want to start.

And don’t forget to listen to your gut. It’s the first step toward implementing true self-care not only during the holidays, but moving forward in your new, post-divorce life.

Now over to you: How are you committing to making things easier on yourself this holiday season?

On keeping score in a relationship

When we were children, every slight from a sibling, cousin, or classmate was remembered. These slights were likely returned immediately when the adult on duty had their back turned. If someone hit you, you hit back. When a friend snatched your eraser, you grabbed their pencil. If someone grabbed your toy, you grabbed it back. If someone called you stupid, they were stupid. We were masters of keeping score. But as we grew older and began to understand the ways of polite society, we learned not to keep score in the same way. We learned that words were often more powerful than deeds.

Sitting in rush hour traffic this morning, the man behind me honked his horn before the light turned green. Should I move? Gesture with my middle finger in the rear view mirror? Block his way completely? Tit for tat? I laughed at myself and proceeded on my way. And then I thought about keeping score and how both my ex-husband and I had done this during our marriage. I cover these kind of behaviors with my coaching clients. I wish I was smart enough to talk to someone about it years ago.

It doesn’t make sense to keep score when you’re in a partnership.

When both parties are getting what they want and need, there’s no reason to fill in a scorecard. (Tweet it!)

As communication breaks down and hurt feelings and disappointments give way to score keeping, it is extremely difficult to return to even. Especially if one spouse does the majority of the emotional heavy lifting in the relationship.

I remember inviting a couple over for meals several times during our marriage and they always accepted happily but without a single return invitation. This went on for years. My ex-husband and I argued about it. I remember feeling a bit ungracious but also like a grown up. The time and energy put into those meals was a lot of effort. We had two small children and busy lives. It was not a “give and take” relationship — it was a “take and take” relationship. So I simply stopped inviting this couple over.

We’ve all had relationships like this. A family member or close friend that feels entitled to our time and energy. There is no reciprocity in this kind of relationship. It’s not keeping score when it is completely one-sided. It is a decision to invest in relationships that nurture you, make you feel better, and lift you up emotionally. The positive relationships are easy to identify. These are with the people you feel you NEVER get to spend enough time with.

It’s not my recommendation to end all relationships in your life that are unequal. But I want you to take a closer look and reserve your time and energy for the people in your lives that build you up. In a grown-up relationship, you give and receive. Make the “give and take” relationships a priority – this forces you to limit the time you spend on the emotionally depleting “take and take” relationships.

Who’s afraid of a mammogram, Virginia?

A few weeks before I turned 50, I received a phone call from my HMO congratulating me on my upcoming birthday. I was a shocked: I’m always the one trying to get in touch with them, waiting on hold endlessly, being transferred to the wrong extension or department, and eventually being disconnected only to start the process all over again.

My dismay continued as the chirpy woman from the HMO wished me good health. I laughed and thanked her. I was ready to end the conversation. That would make a good story. But as I was about to hang up, she invited me to come in for a mammogram.

I sat down hard and fumbled for my diary. I had been meaning to make an appointment. It had been such an emotional year. I was going to do this and a long list of other things after my birthday. There happened to be a 10 AM appointment on my 50th birthdy that I politely declined. Partly out of cowardice and partly because, for the first time in two decades, I was doing exactly what I wanted on my birthday and a mammogram just wasn’t on the list. I speak with clients all the time who grapple with their age. This year, I was going to celebrate mine!

I was having a girls spa day with seven of my female friends. But if I pushed the appointment off for two weeks, I would have enough time to torture myself and completely obsess about the test.
This wasn’t my first mammogram. I had had a mammogram once or twice around my fortieth birthday. But that was before. Before my mother died of cancer, before friends’ mothers had died of cancer, and before friends had died of cancer. When my children were babies and I was still someone’s wife, I had a benign brain tumor removed.

Now, everything was different. I felt it every day. And it was everywhere.

People at parties spoke about recent colonoscopies, high cholesterol, and physical therapists. Not books they’ve read or places they had visited and restaurants that must be tried. If this was getting older, I didn’t want any part of it. Not the talk, not the tests, and certainly not the results. Come join a coaching session and we’ll cover it there.

And what if I did have cancer? Who would want me then? How would I begin dating at 50, bald with a bad wig and yellow skin? Or worse yet, what if ended up with one breast or none? Or if I became a swollen old woman from chemo and steroids? My married life was over. How was I going to start dating with cancer?

Still I knew enough to know that early detection saves lives. I could be the eighth of nine who didn’t have breast cancer in my lifetime. A dear friend of mine had her own post-fifty mammogram a year ago and the results were positive for cancer. She had surgery almost immediately, had a breast removed, only took a couple days off, and kept working. She didn’t tell very many people, and on the anniversary of her diagnosis, she started an emergency relief fund for other women diagnosed with breast cancer.

I was working on my own loss this year: the loss of a 17-year marriage and the breakup of a family. After the separation, I felt like a part of me had been removed. I still spoke in plural and realized the stories I told were about something we, my former husband and I, had done or seen together. And there were fewer invitations. Some people were more curious than consoling and I realized that my social circle was almost entirely married people.

My friend S. and I had long talks about our conditions. We were very supportive. She appreciated my gallows humor and invited me to holidays and dinners when my children were not with me. We reviewed her constant doctor visits, the weekly scans and blood tests, and what procedure to choose for her replacement breast.

I cataloged fix up lines and all my new friends on Facebook. I drove her to appointments when her husband couldn’t be with her. The offices and wards were cheerfully stifling. Some of the women looked healthy. Others painfully thin and drawn with headscarves and caps pulled over their ears. Some had moon faces bloated from medication. People spoke in murmurs. The only laughter was ours. And there was never quite enough air.

And I was uncomfortable with my own good health. Taking it for granted. I bargained with G-d that I would start working out. Stop eating fried foods. Give more to charity and be more patient with my kids if only I could miss this bullet. I was divorced in a sea of married people. And I was treading water pretty well.

But a cancer diagnosis without the support of a spouse was something I couldn’t handle. (Tweet it!)

After two weeks of sleepless nights, the morning dawned. I took my teenage daughter with me, and as we sat in the waiting room she was bored and antsy. The constant chime of her instant messaging rattling me further. I dismissed her after I filled out the paperwork. She didn’t understand what the big deal was and I didn’t want to burden her. I sat in the waiting area with eight other women who all had the same appointment time as I did. We were all nervous. We were all alone and waiting together. Somehow it was comforting. We wished each other good luck as if we were old friends.

One by one each woman’s name was called and they filed in with their paperwork. As our numbers decreased, we shifted to the chairs closer to the door. The testing room was freezing and dark. I posed for the pictures of my smashed breasts, then returned to the waiting room to wait for the ultrasound.

I started to think about my life. How difficult and exhilarating the last year had been. Doing things alone, the way I wanted to, for the first time in two decades. How happy my kids were and how my ex and I had finally become friends. I thought about how lucky I was to have people in my life that cared about me. And how being me didn’t seem to be enough for the longest time, and now being me finally was enough. Cancer or not, I would find someone to love me just the way I was.

I was the last one in the waiting room. The woman doing my ultrasound couldn’t find my records. We tried my maiden name and married name. I explained that I had just divorced my husband but we still had a family policy. She located my record. We chatted about work, children, marriage, and divorce. As I was getting dressed she told me I was remarkable. And she wished she had as much courage as I did. I thanked her and handed her my divorce attorney’s card.