When you feel out of control, control what you can and let go of the rest

Tamara Mendelson | Control Let Go
It’s a dizzying time in the world right now.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m on a roller coaster and getting off isn’t really an easy option. It seems we all have an E-ticket to the ride and it goes on and on every single day.

But we don’t have to stay on it. It’s a conscious decision to create some distance from the craziness. It is possible and healthy.

If you keep up with the news it’s enough to send even the most stoic among us into hiding. During my coaching sessions, we regularly discuss the dilemma of: How do you keep a positive outlook when you are buried in the news cycle of terrible events?

Let’s face it, most of the news we are bombarded with is horrific and huge and too big for us to do anything about, except worry.

But you worry enough. If you want to help, donate to a charity on the ground making a difference. If you don’t agree with a government’s policy or response, vote! You have a voice, let it be heard. Support a candidate you believe in. Changes happen and more than 100 women in Congress is a good start.

Wringing your hands will just create a cycle of helplessness that won’t help anyone. Especially you.

I remember reading a story once

It was about a British diplomat posted in some faraway place where the newspapers took months to get to him. When someone asked if that fact frustrated him, he replied something like I still know what’s happening just at a little slower pace.

What a remarkable idea? A slower pace. I am not suggesting not keeping up with what’s going on in your part of the world. Just slowing down the pace. How many times do you check your phone for messages, or texts in a day? An hour? If you turned off some of those notifications think how much more time, energy and focus you could devote to what was going on in your immediate surroundings.

With many of us celebrating holidays, how about celebrating by putting away your phone when you are in a group of people and talk face to face. Don’t start the day checking your email, unless you are working. I don’t want to get anyone in trouble here. Stay off Facebook and Twitter for a few days.

Why would I suggest going low tech? It’s blasphemy! It’s to get back control over your time. We are all like Pavlov’s dog and the bell. Our brains are programmed to answer those notifications.

So what do we do? We get a little control over the flow of information overload and bad news.

One of the things I insist my clients do when they are going through a breakup or divorce is to stay off their former partners Facebook page. What we put there is only the good stuff. There is no filter and why would you cause yourself pain if you didn’t have to?

Be grateful and thankful

Be grateful, thankful, and careful this season with your feelings. We can only control how we react to things. If your first reaction is pain, stop doing that. Remember the old joke about the guy going to the doctor and the doctor asks:

“What’s wrong?”
“It hurts when I do this” the guy says shaking his arm.
The doctor responds matter of factly “stop doing that then.”

Okay so maybe it isn’t that funny but you get the idea, right?

Why put yourself into situations that cause you pain? If it’s your family, do something different this year. Just because you are related to someone by blood or marriage doesn’t mean they get to inflict a lifetime of suffering on you. You do have control. Give yourself the gift of doing what you want this year. Of surrounding yourself with people who don’t tease you about something you did 20 years ago. Mean isn’t the atmosphere you want to cultivate in your life.

And I am not suggesting not to be loving and giving, but not if it costs you your well-being and self-esteem. Traditions can be so overrated. And in some cases, it’s how people keep control over other people in the name of a tradition that is neither pleasant or healthy.

It’s worth a shot trying to have a conversation before the event with the adult or adults that do and have behaved badly. If you are clear about your intentions and how you want to be treated, some progress can be made. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to be honest about what works and doesn’t work for you.

People can change but if you don’t ask to be treated differently you won’t be. (Tweet it!)

If after you have had these conversations nothing changes, it has changed for you. If you ask for what you want and don’t get it, then you get to decide how you want to proceed. How you respond is what is in your control.

And if you need a little help, let me know.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: Is there something you would like to get more control over? How will you do it?

 

 

 

 

Forgiving yourself and the month of Elul

Soon, Jews all over the world will celebrate Rosh HaShanah. Literally translated it is the head of the year. One of the most important holidays. The one where we start reading the Torah over again from the beginning. Rolling the scrolls all the way back to the start. Telling the stories of the bible again from the beginning.

The beginning. A new beginning. Preceding this new beginning of the new year is a month of special blessings and prayers and activities to get ready for the holidays to come. The month is called Elul. Forgiveness.

So what is Elul?

Homes are cleaned and refreshed. Bread is tossed into bodies of water to symbolize casting out of sin and asking for forgiveness. Many wear white or lighter colors on these days to symbolize purity of thought. Extra blessing called Selichot are added to daily prayers and repeated on both Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur.

Between Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur, there is a period of ten days where people are supposed to ask forgiveness from someone that they have wronged. There is a pretty good loophole here as you may ask forgiveness from someone three times and if they refuse all three times God forgives you and you are absolved. That’s the forgiveness free card.

This is my interpretation of what goes on in Judaism. There are so many more knowledgeable people out there. My apologies if I have offended anyone’s sensibilities. My point here is that this forgiveness thing is built into one of the oldest religions in the world. Maybe there is some truth to it? Something we can take away and use in our own lives.

This is the part of this practice of forgiveness I would like people to adopt and incorporate into their lives every day.

My experience

I have seen too many families with feuds with whole branches of relatives that don’t speak. This can go on from one generation to another when eventually, no one even knows why they don’t speak. The hatred and scorn and animosity is carried forward and in some cases, the kids don’t know why they don’t speak to those family members. The feud outlasts its reason.

I have clients who are so angry at their exes that they are stuck and the contempt just lingers and builds and bubbles up even though the relationship is long over. They carry the disdain into everything they do. Have adopted a victim stance and don’t ever examine why they make the same choices over and over again and wonder why their dissatisfaction and unhappiness lingers. They bring it with them like well to reuse an overused phrase, luggage.

I have clients with health issues and they are angry and ask the question, “Why me?” instead of “Why not me.” No one is immune to pain or disease or heartache. I have had other clients who would like to be thin or thinner and that consumes their energy. Healthy isn’t enough. Somehow we believe that if we were ten pounds thinner life would be better. Life would be thinner sure but not necessarily better.

It is a heavy load

People carry the burden of something they have done or said throughout their lifetimes. They often make the same mistakes over and over again because the original deed, choice, or action was never undone or brought to light and forgiven.

Guilt is a heavy load to carry and can color all aspects of your life. (Tweet it!)

I propose to unpack our guilt and not lug it through another year. It can make us sick and rob us of joy. If you believe, as I do, that we do the best we can with the information we have at the time then it’s easier to forgive.

Make peace with it and then let it go. I recommend you to try to make amends. There are 12 step programs built on this principle, and most major religions are also built on similar tenants. The trick here is to forgive ourselves first.

The world is a scary place right now and we need to come together as humanity and move forward into light.

And if you had a forgiveness free card what would you use it on?

I know many parents who would have spent more time with their kids and less time at work.

How about forgiving yourself for not being home and getting less satisfaction out of raising your kids. They are still around and just because things have always been this way doesn’t mean they always will be.

If your adult kids don’t treat you well. Don’t allow it. You can limit your exposure. This is difficult and painful but may help you feel better in the short term. We all deserve respect especially from the people we are related to by blood and otherwise.

If a colleague is making you miserable, bring it to their attention or if that isn’t possible stop allowing them to get to you. Maybe they are very unhappy and this is the only way they can deal with their life. It doesn’t have to be your way.

Make a plan to do things a little differently in the future. No need to wait for a holiday. Fix it now.

Believe that you deserve happiness. It doesn’t have to be 10 on a scale of 1-10, but more joy than regret.

And if you need a little help on your journey to self-forgiveness, I’m around.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What would you use your forgiveness free card on?

 

 

 

 

With Friends Like These, Who Needs Frenemies?

Frenemies-Tamara-Mendelson
Photo by Vincent van Zalinge

The interesting thing about difficult people is they can’t see themselves as difficult.

Heated arguments can pit you against a friend even though you both agree on all points. I have asked people on occasion to alter their tone or manner in speaking to me and it doesn’t work on everyone. The last time I asked someone to alter their tone they told me to shut up. An adult in a meeting. So I don’t use the tone of voice comments with that colleague anymore.

Some people are so confident in their feelings of rightness, righteousness or point of view that there is no room for disagreement, compromise, or real communication of any kind.

I had such an interaction a few weeks ago.

Irritation is in the eye of the beholder

During a conversation that went from funny, awkward, to downright uncomfortable, I realized that I had to distance myself from a friend.

The person in question was complaining about how people find her irritating but that it’s their problem. Everyone around them agreed about her shrillness and overall terrible disposition. This person was adamant that it was everyone else’s issue. It might have been funny if it wasn’t so uncomfortable.

Are you supposed to change in order to be in everyone’s good graces? Should you change your personality because of how other people perceive you? It’s a tricky question that really goes back to yourself. Will you be a happier you if you make these changes? Will society benefit from a kinder, more relaxed person?

On that same note, the change may be distancing yourself from that person who pushes you into negative thoughts, actions, or dispositions.

The sweetness

If there is someone in your life related to by blood, in your work life, your community or society who is always angry and extremely trying, let it go. You don’t need to stick around to be collateral damage.

There was a time in the world not so long ago when people of different opinions could get along just fine. This magical time allowed bleeding heart liberals and hard-right conservatives to work together respectfully and productively without drawing a line in the sand multiple times a day. Unfortunately, this is no longer the case in polite society. This is the world we live in at present. And we need to figure out a way to live with this higher level of negativity and hostility.

Pick your battles

A dear friend whose opinion I have appreciated on many subjects and have sought out on many occasions reminded me to “See them as they see themselves. Allow that they may have merit in their expertise or experience. Try to look beyond the bluster and unrestrained noise.”

Most difficult people are prone toward confrontation and are wired to enter into conflict. Don’t get suckered in. Pick your battles. Unless you are in danger, take a deep breath and stop before you take a step into the ring. Try to let it blow over you like a hot heavy breath, which often times it is. Get to the heart of the matter whether it be personal or professional.

Part of the responsibility of adulthood is to work at surrounding ourselves with people we feel comfortable with and who are supportive of who we are. But that certainly isn’t everyone in our environment.

I have found that one of the most important things about dealing with difficult people is that their hostile or grumpy attitude doesn’t have anything to do with me or you or even the situation at hand. (Tweet it!)

It may be the only way they know how to deal with their world. Maybe they feel powerless, thinking they can only get what they need by shouting and throwing an adult tantrum.

Solutions

Sometimes all it takes is an acknowledgment of what difficult people are saying. It’s cliche but  “I hear you,” said verbally, electronically or expressed physically by a light touch on their arm can change the energy of the conversation. It can distract from an angry onslaught or balance the trigger of their normal way of interacting with people. It may turn off the switch or turn down the volume of another person’s dumping of negativity all over you.

Read the situation. Calling someone out on their negativity can put people on edge and often in a more defensive posture. Consider the timing. Let them vent, then bring their negativity to their awareness. In some unfortunate situations, it might be wise to limit your contact. It is more important to be civil than to be right.

I find counting to ten or taking a deep breath is often more successful than direct interaction.  If someone is primed for a confrontation don’t engage. Don’t send the text, wait on that email before hitting send, take a breath. Think it over. If you still must say something, think of specific points and how they will take it. Will your message get across or will you feed their difficult personality?

Be kind to yourself.

 

 

 

Birthdays and my new super powers

I am celebrating my birthday this week. Not a big birthday. No round numbers like a 0 or a 5. Not a milestone birthday that would launch me into a new decade or signal my retirement. Not a prime number as it is divisible by 19.33 and 3.05. An ordinary number for an ordinary birthday.

People always ask what someone wants for their birthday. It’s an odd question really unless you are eight years old.

What do I want for my birthday? Let’s see… I don’t need anything, not really. It is a treat to spend time with my kids and my friends but other than that. A walk on the beach. Some rain in the forecast.

Then some people press on… “No, really. What do you want?” So then my requests get more difficult and larger. It’s what I really want. There is not so much in between.

This is what I want

Peace on earth if that isn’t too much trouble. Treating women with equality and dignity. Ending all the armed conflicts. Making sure all children have access to good food, clean water, safe shelter, and an education. Definitely an education.

The power to help make any of these things happen. To help effect change. So by this point, my well-meaning friends are rolling their eyes, and I get that. I was just trying to answer the question.

My Dad turned 84 last week. What did he get for his birthday? A trip to the emergency room and a new pacemaker. That is a sucky gift but the fact that he is alive and is in pretty good shape is a nice gift for me and my siblings and everyone that knows him.

How cool would it be if we were assigned super powers for our birthdays? Flying, that would be great. I have spent a fair amount of time in airports this summer and to skip that whole experience would be great.

I wish I could fly without the assistance of an airplane. Wings would be kind of cool. The extra width on top would make up for my widening middle section. Hell, I wish I could read without my glasses. That’s not possible anymore either. Still, all in all I am doing okay.

My new super powers

Just recently, to my shock and surprise, I have discovered a new super power.

It doesn’t come with an invisible plane like Wonder Woman. Or an invisibility cloak like Harry Potter. In fact there are no cool gadgets attached at all. There isn’t even an on and off switch.

Don’t be jealous. It is the power of stealth. Maybe it would be helpful if I were a spy. It’s a power that we all acquire at one time or another. As we age though it, it may become a permanent thing. So at 50 plus you become invisible to anyone under the age of 25. Maybe even anyone under the age of 30.

I saw a sketch about getting older once on the Amy Schumer show or comedy central and it resonated with me. It was about women aging out of parts in Hollywood. The one example that was brought up was Sally Field playing Tom Hanks love interest in Punchline and then 6 years later in Forrest Gump playing his elderly mother.

Was her aging process accelerated in those six years?

So, Amy is wandering through the woods. She comes out into the light and three women all stars for decades are laughing and toasting one another and having some sort of celebratory lunch. The table is laden with all kinds of high calorie goodies.They revel in the fact that Julia doesn’t have to maintain her body anymore as Hollywood has decided that she is done being desirable. Tina Fey, toasts Julia Louis Dreyfus last f**kable day as an actress.

The point that men don’t have this issue was made very clearly. So, as people, do we all age out of being considered attractive, sexy, relevant or interesting? I think things are changing for the better but the fact that beauty and relevance have expiration dates is disheartening.

The flip side of all this invisibility is I see myself more clearly than I ever have. I am more comfortable with the things I cannot do and try to focus on the things I can do. My ability to concentrate has increased and I recently worked toward a certification online in Positive Psychology. I heard one of the professors do a TED Talk about grit and followed her back to the source. It was exciting and I felt proud learning something new.

And I am beginning to believe that I may have also acquired another super power along the way that is much more useful. Wisdom.

A Definition of wisdom

The ability to discern inner qualities and relationships: insight.
The ability to use good judgement and make the correct or appropriate decision in difficult or challenging situations.
Accumulated philosophical or scientific learning: knowledge.
A wise attitude, belief, or course of action.

My children ask me things all the time and I can answer with some sort of reasonable explanation and they are kind of surprised. “Mom, how do you know that?” I shrug my shoulders because I can’t really answer them and sometimes it’s a little embarrassing to come up with this stuff out of thin air. Well not really thin air but out of years and years of experiences, living, and being alive.

If the superpower of invisibility comes with wisdom then that’s okay.

And every birthday we get to celebrate is a gift. (Tweet it!)

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What is your super power?

Back to school: How to make your children have a better school year

“School days school days good old golden rule days…“ My cheerful and wickedly funny mother used to sing this song to us at least two weeks before school started. I could hear glee in her voice as we groaned. The more we groaned the louder she sang. With four of us, six years apart total that was a considerable amount of organization and implementation that went into getting us ready for an early September start date.

The second phrase in the song is especially poignant for me. My mom lived by the golden rule. The basic tenant of most major religions, of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Treat people how you would like to be treated. (Tweet it!)

I think that would be a great way to start 1st grade or kindergarten. Would that help decrease bullying, I wonder? If we really taught children empathy and what it is like live in someone else’s shoes?

Actions speak louder than words

The world these days seems less empathetic to me. It’s one thing to tell your children to be nice to others. Showing them by example is more effective but is also a great deal harder to model.
Maybe next time someone cuts you off in traffic don’t yell at them or call them names… Just say, “Guess he was in a hurry” and let it go. I get it. Traffic sucks all over the world except in places where they don’t have cars. Get that, a little privilege humor.

Another way to instill compassion in children is to call out instances outside the family of people doing good things for our communities, nations, and the world. These instances may seem to be hard to come by at the moment when mean bullying behavior has been normalized.

Donate those old clothes and shoes that your children have outgrown. Donate those not so old clothes that you have outgrown. Or don’t wear or don’t need. It’s a great family project and can help people other people. Start a food drive in your community. Not just at Xmas time or during other holidays.

What really matters

In my classroom at a local college the students have a lot. They dress well and most have cars. Certainly, they all have smartphones and brand name sneakers. At the end of the school year, a couple of students in the class did a presentation about poverty in our community. They talked about 1 in 5 families struggling. It was the first time all year that the class was completely quiet. Silence. We had an entire unit on food shortages all over the world. It was the first time they got it. And these two students are trying to do something in their community to make things better for the less fortunate. A person or two people can make a difference. Compassion, empathy, and the will to do something to help. Good students.

When potential new immigrants or asylum seekers are turned away at the borders or incarcerated when all our ancestors were at one time or another immigrants, legal or otherwise. Or when parents are separated from their children and lost track of in some mistaken crusade for keeping Americans safe. In some Middle Eastern and African countries when girls are not allowed to go to school or to be educated. When speaking your mind could end your life.

How do we explain these injustices to our children?

By not being apathetic and by speaking out against them. By being an example of how people should behave. And by not saying things like “girls are bad at math” and “boys are good at sports” by not perpetuating stereotypes but treating people as individuals not defined by their sex, age, race, nation of birth, or gender.

Okay, so that’s a big assignment and school just began

…So let’s start smaller:

Changing the world can seem like a boulder you need to push uphill.

Try not getting annoyed by something unimportant and saving your energy for the big things. Do one kind thing today even if no one is watching.

Tell someone studying something earthshaking that what they are doing matters. Say for example a niece working on researching and or inventing biodegradable or edible packaging to help end the tremendous plastic problem we currently have on planet earth.

Education is a gift. Knowledge is the best power to combat insensitivity and disregard. We are never too old to learn new things. If taking a class seems too great a commitment watch a documentary about bees or something.

No matter who is going back to school, your five-year-old to kindergarten, or your partner going back to finish high school or completing their college degree send them out there with your full support. Make sure they understand what they are doing is meaningful and expanding their minds is the best way to guard against ignorance.

And if you want to sing the song my mother did to rub in the fact that you aren’t going to school I’ll be happy to sing it for you.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: How do you prepare your children or yourself to go back to school?

 

 

 

 

Random acts of kindness – have we lost the ability to be kind?

The phrase “practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty” was written by Anne Herbert on a placemat in Sausalito, California in 1982. It was based on and, in some way, to counteract or contrast the phrase “random acts of violence and senseless acts of cruelty”.

This phrase has always resonated with me and I believe it to be a basic tenet of Tikkun Olam. Translated into English this means “to repair the world”.

Has the world gone less kind?

Could it be that the world we live in is less kind world than the one we grew up in? Or are we just more aware of the unkindness and incivility as it is splashed over every image electronic or otherwise that we see and hear? When yelling seems to be a perfectly acceptable way of making your point.

At the time Herbert wrote on that napkin these profound words I was the age my daughter is now and I believe the world was a kinder place. Or at least more civilized.

I am not talking about healthy debate. I am talking about a way to interact with other people that begins in hostility and anger. An anger that is almost instantaneous. Quite unprovoked and completely over the top. There is no counting to ten in this scenario. Someone disagrees with you and you scream. It makes no sense to me.

Kindness isn’t weakness. Decency should be our lowest common denominator of human interaction, not the highest. It’s not a free speech issue either. It’s free to say whatever hurtful crap you feel like saying because there are no repercussions.

Common courtesy is how we live together in a peaceful society.

We all have people in our lives that are quick to anger and never apologize. (Tweet it!)

Or apologize by still blaming us for making them act the way they do.

Who feels better?

It reminds me of a car advertisement about an engine that can go from zero to 60 in under 5 seconds. So too, is seeming calm to rage in under 60 seconds.

I have a theory that people who yell and scream and feel justified to vent any time they want somehow feel better after the incident or outburst. Like letting steam out of a boiling kettle or taking your foot off the gas pedal. Unfortunately, the one who was yelled at or had anger screamed all over them has no such relief.

And further, I believe this hostile behavior of completely out of proportion outbursts is a learned behavior. Temper tantrums are for little children who cannot or are unable to express their feelings in any other way. A grown ass adult shouldn’t be allowed to behave that way. No matter who they are.

The more people get away with it, say over a lifetime, the more acceptable to them it becomes. “He sure does have a temper” or “that’s just how she talks” or “he’s under a lot of pressure” aren’t explanations. It’s acceptance and enabling this sort of behavior to continue and go unchecked. To be laughed off and unconfronted.

Human interaction doesn’t have to be confrontational. There is an us and them going on in the world today that evokes hostility. In many cases I believe anger covers up fear and fear is scary. So why not just yell until you feel better? Because it takes a terrible toll on the people around you.

It happens all the time

I see this in my practice with people in relationships both long and short term, where one partner can’t control themselves and is unable to filter or doesn’t want to get a handle on their outbursts.

Unfortunately, we have all sorts of ways to overreact now. Not just fact to face but on the phone, text, email, Facebook, FaceTime. And the other person in the relationship tries to be reasonable and in many cases apologizes for nothing in particular just to get back to some sort of calm.

It’s the containment that we, as a society, have lost the ability to do. You feel anger? Take a breath. Are you mad at someone or something? Don’t lash out. Try instead to figure out the trigger and work on that. I have a friend that used to make the sound of a truck backing up when she thought someone was going to dump on her. It was very effective at getting people’s attention and changing the atmosphere.

My advice?

Don’t let anyone be unkind or uncivil to you. If someone says something, and you are not afraid for your life, call them on their crap. Walking on eggshells until the next outburst isn’t the way to live your best life. And just because it has always been that way it doesn’t mean it always has to be that way in the future. You deserve kindness and respect.

The next time you feel yourself get angry, stop and think about the source and proportion of that anger. You are not a three-year-old. Get a grip.

When we are in a relationship of any type it seems a basic premise that their feelings or comfort should be important to us. And as I get older I find the people whom I spend most of my time with have many lovely qualities, but above all I would say kindness is the most important one.

Examine the interactions in your life. If you feel angry and bitter work on that and not taking it out on the people around you. Model kindness.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: How do you control your anger?

 

 

 

 

5 Ways to Cope When You Have Been Thrown Under the Bus

5 ways to cope when you have been thrown under the bus

“To throw (someone) under the bus” is an idiomatic phrase in American English meaning to betray a friend or ally for selfish reasons. It is typically used to describe a self-defensive disavowal and severance of a previously-friendly relationship when the relation becomes controversial or unpopular.

And I would add here someone is under tremendous pressure and want to let it out in some less than productive way.

Yesterday I got thrown under the bus at work. I was surprised and disappointed as it was someone I know well and respect their professionalism. Well… Until yesterday.

Being an educator can be challenging

College campuses are not easy places to work. There are many different tiers of tenure and people who lecture/teach hourly can get pushed around a lot. Some semesters there is more work as enrollment increases. Some semesters, for reasons no one can explain, fewer students apply.

Most of us teach because we really love the students and the teaching. Not for getting rich or chasing the tenure track. You would think that this would create some kind of community when in fact the opposite is sometimes true.

Getting an email from the head of the department late in the evening is usually not a cause for concern. It’s when we catch up. We are all on campus most days and it’s a way to get organized for the next day or bring up things as they happen. Last night I was forwarded an email that called my integrity and judgement into question.

My first reaction was disbelief

I had seen this colleague earlier in the day and although she seemed overwhelmed and stressed I didn’t think it was directed towards me personally. We all handle our own secretarial work and she let me do something quickly before class started. I was appreciative.

My second reaction was anger but it was short-lived as I tried to figure out why this person felt the need to “tell” on me and throw me under the bus like that. Then I figured it was less to do with me and more to do with her situation. Maybe she took on too much. It’s getting near the end of the term and tempers flare. What surprised me the most was that I had hosted this person in my home and tried to be supportive of her when she needed to vent in the past. Or help with other administrative tasks.

A second opinion

I did call another teacher I respect and asked her what she thought of the situation.
We agreed that it was an odd choice not to speak to me directly and we had all agreed earlier in the term about the problem in question.

I calmly wrote a succinct email back to my supervisor and she asked if I wanted her to send my email to the other teacher in question. I said I didn’t think it would help as maybe she just needed to be heard.

Throwing someone under the bus is an act of anger, frustration, or insecurity. It’s not a behaviour of someone who is calm and self confident. It’s a reactionary thing to deflect blame or feel like you are doing something proactive. It could have all been avoided if she had just talked to me.

So what do you do if you have been thrown you under the bus?

Here are 5 ways to cope when you have been thrown under the bus:

1. Climb out from under the bus.

Then dust yourself off and try to figure out what the issue is really about. If you did make a mistake own up to it.

2. Speak calmly and clearly.

Or write. Explain how you see the situation without blaming the other person.

3. Offer a solution.

Try to offer a solution going forward that might take the drama and angst out of the situation.

4. Take personal responsibility if necessary.

And try to avoid confirmation in the future. Some people need that confrontation to feel in the right and in control even if neither is true.

5. Move on.

Some people are not team players and don’t understand how to communicate in a positive productive way. It’s all about how hard they work, how no one appreciates them, and they have no understanding of how their behavior affects other people. Minimize contact and move on.

It isn’t your job to fix someone. Sometimes people can’t hear what you are saying because they are so wrapped up in their own drama and way of looking at the world.

Don’t internalize someone else’s world view.
Try to understand it and then let it go.

It can happen in any work environment. And usually if someone throws people under the bus as a habit it won’t surprise anyone when it happens again. Don’t be a doormat but don’t buy into the drama either.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: When was the last time you got thrown under the bus? How did you cope?

5 ways to make you sleep better fast

Are you one of those people who thinks four hours of sleep is enough? For the clear majority of us that isn’t enough.

There are all sorts of scientific studies that cite the fact that less than five hours of sleep a night is not good for you, your overall health, or longevity. If part of your life plan is to get healthy and stay healthy, sleep must be part of that lifestyle routine.

How do we improve our sleep?

And for many reasons we aren’t sleeping very well or for long enough. So, what do we do? First find out if ‘not sleeping’ is a physical thing. Sleep apnea and other such breathing issues are very serious health conditions and should be treated by physicians and experts in the field.

After ruling out something physical out start thinking about a bedtime routine. To get yourself ready to sleep. Just as we enforce a bedtime routine for the children in our lives, so too should we make our own bedtime routine part of our lives.

One of my favourite moments as a parent was bedtime. Not because my children went to sleep like little angels. Or because I had some quiet time before I dropped exhausted into my own bed. Twilight time was special.

It began with bath time. When the dirty, grimy, sweaty little bodies were clean, and their hair was wet and slicked back and sweet. Dressed in their adorable little kid pyjamas. The lights were dimmed, and books were read. I would sing to them. It didn’t matter what song it was part of the ritual of bedtime.

Our order of things are wrong

As adults we don’t get tucked into bed much. We may get into bed, watch tv, use our laptops, notebooks or smart phones right there in bed with us. It’s no wonder most of us can’t sleep. Or sleep fitfully.

We have the order of things all wrong at the end of the day. We rev up in the evening not down. Trying to get one more thing done. Play one more game of words with friends. Scroll though a couple more Facebook pages. All activities that alert our bodies that it is not time to rest.

There is documented proof that the blue light emitted from phones and televisions and tablets all can keep us awake. So why do we invite them into our bedrooms? I think for many of us we have forgotten the function of the room with the bed in it. Sleeping, resting, or having sex.

There is nothing sexier than trying to get your partner’s attention when they are playing a game on their smartphone. (Tweet it!)

Here are five ways to sleep better fast:

RULE #1 Get the electronics out of your bedroom.

That means everything. Remember alarm clocks? They work great for waking you up and telling the time, and they don’t mess with your circadian rhythms that tell you when it’s time to sleep.

RULE #2 Get into a routine.

Have a bedtime that is as close to the same time every night as you can. Yes, we all have work commitments and social occasions. Deadlines and family time. Bedtime every night at the same time is a suggestion. Make your bed a haven. Keep it clear of clothes. Neaten up the room. If you don’t have energy to do this put everything in a clothes basket and put it outside the door to be dealt with another time.

RULE #3 Make your pre-bedtime as luxurious as possible.

A shower with a soothing scented soap. Some suggestions although the sense of smell is so subjective for each of us. You might try, Lavender, Chamomile, Bergamot, Jasmine, Rose and Sandalwood. Sip tea with the same calming vibe in mind.

RULE #4 Read something interesting.

(Not on your tablet or smartphone). And this needs to have nothing to do with your work. Listen to some music (not from your phone) or a podcast, comedy show, white noise set the mood. Keep lights low and let yourself unwind. If you share a bed or bedroom, try to get your partner to do this with you.

RULE #5 Make lists.

Keep a pad and pen (not your smartphone), and if you are stuck on a thought or making lists in your head of things you didn’t accomplish, write it down. Write a to do list or jot down what’s bothering you. Start bullet journaling and just get those nagging thoughts out of your head, down on paper, and then put it in a drawer or under your bed or turn the pad over on the bedside table.

We do not make good decisions when we are not well rested. Everything is harder to deal with when we are looking through bleary over strained eyes. You deserve a good night’s sleep. Tuck yourself in gently tonight and be kind to yourself. Le me know how it goes.

Now over to you: Can you relate to some of this? What is your best bedtime routine? Let me know in my Facebook community.

 

 

 

 

Are you grumpy? Get over it and focus on change

grumpy-get-over-yourself

Is the heat making you annoyed, irritable, itching for a fight with the mailman?

Do you remember the MTV show, The Real World? During later interviews, participants would divulge that the houses were always kept sweltering. It made them more likely to lash out at one another, creating juicy drama for producers and viewers.

Heat naturally makes us irritable and grumpy. My best piece of advice is to get over it.

In today’s real world, it’s getting hotter and it’s not making people happier or kinder. Summer this year has been sweltering for many on our overheated planet. Alaska hit 90 degrees in June. People didn’t go to work in Europe because there was no air conditioning and roads were melting.

Thoughts and prayers of safety for the earthquakes, hurricanes, typhoons, fires, volcanic eruptions, and unrest of any kind on our planet. Travel safely and carefully. Take a breath. And count to ten. Drink a glass of cold water. Eat a popsicle. Don’t be grumpy.

get-over-yourself
As with any trip of any kind outside your little air-conditioned corner of the world, it can be stressful. Our interactions and stressors while traveling even to the grocery store can put us right in the midst of a diverse group of people. It makes us grumpy. Sometimes there is a language barrier. Definitely a politeness barrier. 0 to screaming in 10 seconds.

What’s going on?

I hear a lot of complaining and anger in totally inappropriate situations. When did yelling become okay in polite discourse? When someone asks a question, is screaming the response of an adult? Honking when the light is green for a nanosecond?

Traffic is terrible everywhere. If you must yell, try to do it in the comfort of your own head. A friend told me a story recently about catching a ride with a colleague back to New York City after a conference…

This person was, in all the interactions my friend had ever had with him over a series of years, calm, reasonable and positive. This person got behind the wheel of the car and suddenly everyone else was an asshole. She was shocked. The ride lasted for four hours.

Now, I use this story as an example of what people do when they are grumpy. I myself speak to other drivers and occasionally yell at the traffic through the closed windows of my car.

Do I let other cars go ahead of me? Yes. Do I sometimes say unkind things about them as they move in front of or around me? Yes. Although I believe these behaviors to be mostly harmless and a way to blow off steam, I am reminded that in these instances I have dehumanized my fellow traveler and have wished them harm. And as it isn’t healthy for anyone to spend time raising their own blood pressure, I will try to lessen my animosity toward my fellow travelers.

It happens to all of us

It is a given that even the kindest among us get grumpy, but not everyone totally loses their shit at a stranger for the smallest infraction. It’s exhausting. It’s unkind and it does not seek joy.

I believe yelling is a learned behavior and as a learned behavior,  what kind of example does it set for our children? You yell all the time at everyone, your children will yell all the time at everyone unless you stop. Don’t be grumpy.

I’m not sure what it is that makes people feel so entitled to spreading big black clouds of bad behavior. Politics aside, I don’t think we should accept rude as a way of life. No one wants to get yelled at, but sometimes we need to call people out on their outbursts. Or, if that’s too risky, then try to lead by example. Be kind. Let someone in line ahead of you. Everyone eventually gets to where they are going. And is five minutes worth risking your life?

A real-life example

Last summer, I asked a woman with two small children if I could help her by breaking down her stroller near the entrance to the plane. She looked at me with shock on her face and then blushed and smiled and handed me the stroller and picked up her toddler and walked onto the plane. Random acts of kindness.

Did that cost me anything? I remember traveling with two small children. It was not an easy task. I would have appreciated some help instead of people muttering under their breath about children shouldn’t be allowed on planes. And oh great, I hope those children are not going to be sitting next to me. Um, I can hear you…

I think empathy is an art form that we need to bring back. (Tweet it!)

Immediately.

Think about it. Who in your life responds with anger (besides a teenager)? I had the good fortune of being around a lot of teenagers at a family event recently. They were snarky, but not all the time and for goodness sakes, their brains aren’t fully developed.

I mean adults. Co-workers, family members, people out on the street? There is a lot of anger out there. And it’s frightening. We see new examples every day. About six months ago, I was sitting in a meeting. After hearing a colleague speak unkindly to someone new, I asked this colleague to use a different tone of voice.

She told me in a loud voice to shut up. I was stunned. And her behavior is well known and excused because she is such a good employee. Seriously? I have as little interaction with this person as possible. She doesn’t listen and uses said tone of voice all the time. I am sure she doesn’t hear herself.

Bitter and angry are choices

It is my belief that bitter and angry are choices. We are all human and have pain. That is part of our existence. I am not going to join the impolite, angry, ones. The victims and the blamers. Those who embrace the drama/trauma cycle can do it if they wish.

There is no room for joy in the life of a blamer. We can all be grown-ups and take responsibility for our own mistakes as well as our triumphs.

It is impossible for me to think of one person whose life has turned out the way they planned. That everything they ever wanted has come true. That no one they loved has ever gotten sick or died or left. It doesn’t happen. And the only thing we have control over is how we manage the life we have.

Life isn’t fair it’s just life.* It’s the only one we get.
*Rob Lowe, Autobiography Stories I Only Tell My Friends

Now over to you: What can you do to spread more joy in this heated day and age?

Be kind to yourself.

 

 

 

Sometimes all you need is a time out

A friend of mine lost her father a few weeks ago. It was sudden but not unexpected. He wasn’t old by today’s standards. 83, the same age as my own father before his most recent birthday.

This man has had and was having a sort of chronic series of health issues often age-related. And he wasn’t a great sport about getting older but remarked to me once after I asked him how he was doing. He said he wasn’t great, but that it beat the alternative. I laughed as of course he was right. He died in his sleep quietly and in no pain. May his memory bring joy to all who knew him.

I had a feeling

The strange thing for me is that I reached out to this friend the week before because I had a feeling. Not a premonition exactly, just a feeling that something wasn’t right. It turned out she was the one who spent time in the ER that week because of a bad reaction to a treatment she was having.

There was a large group of people gathered at the funeral to support the family. I knew most of them. The scene was sad and touching and unfortunately all too familiar. This man died too soon but lead a very full life. He was married to his wife for over 60 years. Remarkable and lucky. His wife spoke so lovingly there were not too many dry eyes.

I don’t have many friends who have both parents alive anymore. And if their parents are still living they tend to need a lot of care and attention. And most of those same friends have children still in need of care and attention, sometimes a lot of care. It’s a difficult situation to be in need with both ends of the generational spectrum.

So I am told we are the sandwich generation.

Definition: The Sandwich Generation.

A generation of people, typically in their thirties, forties and fifties often responsible for bringing up their own children and for the care of their aging parents.

I have another friend whose mother decided not to join her and her family for the holidays this year. Her reason? She didn’t feel up to it. This woman had a great-grandchild she hadn’t seen but that wasn’t enough of a pull to make the trip.

My friend confided to me that she was very sad to not have her mother there but also a tiny bit relieved as caring for her mother was harder than having a new baby in the house. I nodded knowingly.

It’s a very fine line we walk when two generations are dependent on us. (Tweet it!)

So what do we do?

It is not a case of cutting people off or out. I think we just need to be smarter about the energy that we do expend. I have a couple of suggestions…

1. I am proposing a generational personal time out.

A time to just be and reinvent our own lives. Grown-up children, although they may still need our support both emotionally and financially, we are not their priority. This is not a value judgement, it’s just a statement of fact. We need to make our own plans. Continue with our own lives. And if we need a break, get some coverage and take one.

2. All holidays and birthdays do not need to be big family events.

It’s a tremendous amount of work and those hosting don’t get to spend the time they want with all the people there as they are too busy with the preparations.

3. Tradition is tradition until it’s not.

When children get married or parents get divorced there are a lot more people added to the equation. Not everything can stay the same so a little flexibility might be just the thing. Just because Thanksgiving has always been your mother-in-laws holiday doesn’t mean it always has to be until the end of time. Every other year maybe?

4. Quality of time vs. quantity.

I didn’t make this up. Try to keep sight of the fact that even if we are duty bound or otherwise we need to make sure our aging parents are okay, comfortable, happy and well cared for but not at the expense of our own well-being. If we are continually at the whim of other people’s needs we are in a constant state of stress and cannot make the best decisions for anyone. Only expend the energy you have. Ask for help. Share the work.

5. A sense of humor is key.

When dealing with family older or younger or your siblings, cousins etc. it is important to see the humor in every situation possible. I have written before about family folklore. Try to let it go and deal with the task at hand. Making sure that the people you love are okay.

And when in doubt, give yourself a time out even if it’s just a short time. Be the focus of your own story even if they are clamoring at the door. Open it again when you are ready.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: Do you remember to take care of yourself too? Do have any other advice to add to my list?