The Art of Mentoring Happiness

mentoring-happiness

Mentoring happiness.

Are you rolling your eyes? Asking yourself how anyone can mentor happiness? Come on, you can be honest. That eye rolling can keep us cynical and separate. Above it all, right?

I used to roll my eyes all the time when I read something or heard something or saw something I thought was ridiculous. There was no lack of internal snide comments. They made encore appearances when I was feeling especially uncomfortable, feeling ‘other’, or simply, left out.

We as human beings are instinctively fearful of being left out. Historically, it has helped us to be biologically programmed to be part of a group, so a saber-toothed tiger wouldn’t eat us. (Please, no emails or comments about how our Homo-species and Saber-toothed Tigers may not have ever lived together.) The point is, we are programmed to live in groups. In groups, there is inherently conflict.

Thinner, Smarter, Richer

I used to think “if only I were thinner, slightly smarter, made more money, did even more for people” that the demons would go away. They didn’t. So, I started to think about what I wanted. It felt selfish, yet always freeing. Now I help other people to find their happiness.

There’s a delicate balance between getting along in a group or being subservient to that group. It is a struggle that many of us wage all our lives, starting with the family we are born into. (Tweet it!)

The prism that colored my life was about pleasing people. If I did things for people or was the child no one had to worry about, then they would like me or love me and I wouldn’t feel so alone, so other, so out there & unprotected.

Eventually, this weight of pleasing people almost smothered me. I realized through a series of grave life events, dissolution of marriage, death of a parent, my own health issues that pleasing everyone else and not myself was not sustainable or healthy for me or the people I loved.

Happiness is a choice. That is what I believe.

Just get started

Procrastination is a choice. It can be used as a resting stop or momentary stress reliever. Hopefully, that moment allows you to enter into a difficult task, conflict, or some kind of unpleasantness. When taken to the extreme, procrastination can be used to avoid happiness.

It doesn’t feel like that at the time. It just feels like avoiding something difficult or painful. We get stuck in the old paradigm of our lives, letting our squirrel brain take over. And we get back on that exercise wheel, reenacting a pattern in the same manner as we did yesterday and the day before and the year before that. We stay in relationships that are not good for us. And we stay in a work situation that isn’t positive or nurturing. Breaking out of a cycle of stress and depression takes a leap of faith and some help.

Are you ready to live a happier life?

I don’t mean you will wake up every day and jump out of bed singing (unless you want to, in which case, go for it.)

I mean, start letting go of what you think you should be doing and start spending more time doing those things you want to be doing. That feeling of contentment, a few minutes here and there, when you are finally experiencing the present moment. That blissful feeling of enjoying whatever it is going on in your life.

One of my clients was beating his head against the wall trying to make a relationship work that didn’t have a chance. He felt anxious, misunderstood, and trapped. When we examined what he really wanted, he realized that this relationship of fighting, apologizing, and bending to someone else’s will wasn’t working for him, yet it was familiar.

He let it go. And it was a relief. He still wants a companion and special someone in his life but one who appreciates who he is, without shoving him in someone else’s mold.

Slow down

My role wasn’t to impart some big secret truth of the universe. It was to get him to slow down. Allow him to recognize the patterns in his choices. Slowly he realized that ‘very familiar’ doesn’t mean ‘very good’ or even ‘positive’.

men·tor- An experienced and trusted advisor. adviser, guide, confidant, confidante, counselor, consultant

Another of my clients was so angry at her ex-husband that she stopped living her own life. She couldn’t experience joy and vowed never to be happy again. The problem as I saw it was that she didn’t exist in a vacuum. Her children were being negatively impacted by the big black cloud of misery which she was carrying around. Finally, she came to me, worried about one of her children.

As it turned out, this worrying behavior was mirroring his mother and her behavior. He loved his father and was very confused about what was happening.

After some very uncomfortable conversations and work, she realized that she wasn’t really angry. She was deeply hurt. It was a breakthrough which allowed us to work through this together. She stopped stalking her ex on Facebook and stopped using her kids as her sounding board. She isn’t quite ready to date but her kids are much happier and she has started to enjoy life a bit more.

Together

Are you ready to be mentored towards happiness? Send me an email or a quick message and we can discuss.

Remember, we all deserve to be happy.

Be kind to yourself.

 

 

 

 

5 powerful strategies for embracing change late in life

I’ve been thinking a lot about change lately. And about being stuck in a decision we made, or one made for us, and how to move on even if we are pushed back.

Being aged out of day to day parenting. Parents getting older and needing more care. Job changes and relocations.

As much as we want things to stay the same, our lives change in huge and imperceptible ways. The only thing we can count on in this world is change. So why are so many of us resistant to it?

The only thing that is constant is change

We are living longer lives and switching jobs more often. Rethinking our education. Divorce is more common than it ever was before. What happens when we get stuck? Fixed in a point and unable to move forward or move on?

How do you know something isn’t working for you? How do you know it’s time to do something else? What clues do you look for when trying to shift out of immobility?

As a counselor and educator, I see this all the time. People do not have an identified goal. Or the goal has been moved or reinvented and is no longer something they care about, feel passionate about, or even like.

Decisions take time

These decisions take time. Sometimes we don’t know something isn’t working until we are deep into it. We all have a little voice that tells us if something isn’t right for us. And we ignore this voice frequently. My gauge has always been: when the inside pressure is stronger than the outside pressure.

People like to have things neatly pigeonholed. Everything and everyone in their place. It’s a way to make sense of the world. My clients discuss this a lot during our coaching sessions.

But is it time for a change?

Change is not about giving up! The path you chose is not necessarily one based on a decision you made as a teenager. As a generation, there was a great deal of pressure on us to succeed. And to succeed in the traditional sense. School, college, career, marriage and children. And if you deviated from this path? Were you no longer successful?

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I have friends who chose a career path beginning with high school, college, and graduate school. But 30 years later, they’re thinking about retiring from that path and doing something different. I admire their commitment and drive and ability to stay relevant in a world that doesn’t much resemble the one 30 years ago.

This was not my path. I get bored easily. Although I seemed to have all the answers, I only looked like I knew what I was doing. I tried a lot of things. And I got a lot of crap about it.

“You are so good at it, why not stay?”

“Bloom where you are planted.”

I was miserable in a variety of jobs, listening to the advice of people who had never not known what they wanted. So it took me a while to find my way…

I found my path in my 50’s

I am an accomplished dyslexic with a degree in English. And I went back to school in my 40’s and may go back to school in my 50’s. My career has been very diverse. I even worked some temp jobs for a while in my 20’s. This time helped me rule out things I didn’t want to do. I take classes online constantly and have dumped several career paths.

Now at 50, with grown-up kids, I finally figured out what I want to do, even though I have been doing it unofficially all my life: counseling.

Many of my students (I teach English as a second language at a local college) have no idea why they are in school. They have a vague idea about wanting a better life and a higher paying job, but many have no idea why they are studying.

There is also a group of students I teach who are returning to school to get an undergraduate degree after being in the workforce for 5-25 years. This time they know why they are in school and what they want. I think this helps their motivation. Most of these people are married, have kids, and have a career. But they want to further it with a degree.

Maybe you should reconsider

If the thing you are doing or pursuing doesn’t feed your soul, then you are probably doing something that might have to be reconsidered. Not every path is linear. One of the things I do in my practice is help people with change.

I am not telling you to quit your job or commit financial suicide. Paying the bills is a great motivator for staying in a position. If people depend on you to be the provider, then that is something you must take into consideration when deciding. Not the only thing to consider, but an important thing.

Here is a list of 5 things to think about when you need something different in your life.

1. Give yourself permission to check out other options

Either in your field or with something completely different. See what else is out there that might make you a little more positive about moving forward.

2. Give yourself a generous timeline

Say, in six months, I am going to have three options lined up to choose from.

3. Make your new or old passion a hobby

Or do it part time so you can see how it feels. Try it on and see how it fits. If it fits! If it feels like your favorite old sweater or gets your heart and imagination racing, then you have some evidence to base a decision on, right?

4. Reach out to people

People in the industry of job or school you are interested in. Make a call a week. Spend 30 minutes a day searching online. Keep moving until you have reached your destination.

5. Give yourself permission

To quit or suspend your current education until you figure out what you want. Many schools or graduate programs will be okay with you taking a semester off to consider.

Most importantly:

Be patient with yourself and the people in your life. Change is hard, but can be so rewarding (Tweet it!)

And if you need a little guidance through a change, get in touch we’ll set up a call to discuss!

Be kind to yourself!

Now over to you: Have you ever felt like you were stuck? How did you deal with this situation?

 

 

 

 

How to remain intact through your divorce

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After my divorce, it was an attractive thought to curl up in a ball and stay in bed, mourning the marriage that was. It wasn’t that I didn’t know that I would ultimately be better off, it was the fear of the unknown that enwrapped me. Above all, I had two teenage children living with me who deserved support and stability. I found these five strategies very helpful. Hope you will too.

Here is how to remain intact through your divorce

1. Understand that grieving is a process.

Give yourself time.

A divorce is a loss. There will be strong feelings. Try not to turn them inward by assigning blame or blaming yourself. Be gentle with yourself.

Feelings are not like light switches and you cannot turn them on or off like the light over the kitchen table. Speak with people that you trust. Probably your former mother-in-law is not the best choice to confide in. Your friends, family, or a professional is your best direction.

Wallowing is appropriate, especially after a long relationship. There may be feelings of relief mixed with sadness. This is normal and your feelings matter. Let them be felt. By acknowledging them, you can move at your own pace and take time to figure out what moving on even means to you.

2. Young children cannot be your support system.

I’m all for being strong when kids are around. It’s okay to let them know you are hurting but your inability to cope will scare them. It is better not to depend on them for support as they often think they are to blame for a break-up. Let them know that’s not the cause and your burden is not there’s.

Seeking professional help for children or allowing them to express their feelings is really important. There are books for kids about divorce which are specifically age appropriate. Let your family doctor or pediatrician know what’s going on, they’ll be able to support you as well, by assisting with stress-related recommendations or resources.

If children begin to show signs of depression such as not eating, trouble sleeping, or a sadness that is present all the time, reach out. Under no circumstances make them pick sides. (Tweet it!)

3. Know where you stand, property and otherwise.

This may be one of the most important challenges when a marriage or relationship breaks up. It doesn’t speak to the emotions but does give you a place to start rebuilding. That means understanding the finances of your current situation.

How much property do you own? How about stocks, bank accounts, securities etc. The more informed you are, the better decision you can make. It will help explain your situation to a lawyer or mediator. Remember, a mediator just wants a signed document and don’t always have your best interests in mind.

You need to be up to speed on all things financial which affect your family going forward. Knowledge is power. It is always a good idea to contact an accountant, lawyer, or another financial professional for at least a consultation so you will know your rights and have the facts.

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4. Plan for the future. What do you want?

What do you want? Seems like an easy question to answer, but it’s not. Like many people, you have probably subverted your wants and needs for the good of the family. You’ve adapted yourself to please your former spouse and now is the time to explore what it is that you want.

If the question is too daunting to answer all at once, think of it in a time frame or smaller fragments of time. For now, the next hour or perhaps the next month or year.

Have you always wanted to go back to school? Change careers? Go back to work? Travel? There is great freedom and satisfaction in trying to figure this out. Is there a hobby that you used to enjoy and no longer spend time doing? Play guitar, learn Spanish, bake pastries?

Make a plan and make yourself a priority.

5. Get the help you need during this transition.

When I was going through my divorce, I found writing tremendously helpful. I asked myself some hard questions and developed exercises to really get to the heart of the issues I was dealing with.

Then I returned to writing and shared a myriad of emotions with the page in front of me. I find writing to be especially therapeutic and unburdening. It was a powerful tool which helped me reconnect with my emotional self.

This writing, connecting, and unburdening left me with a roadmap. A general guide that anyone can follow through their divorce in order to gain closure and move towards a fulfilling life.

Over time I have developed this interactive guide to include stories, poems, thought exercises, and stimulating coloring pages which help your mind wander in a focused frame.

This interactive guide will help you with finding a way to get in touch with yourself. Whether through writing, baking, jogging, or any form of creativity, it is more important than you may realize. And before you say you are not creative, I assure you, in your own special way, you are creative.

Think of yourself and see what makes you happy, what gets you excited, and what are you simply not ready to try yet?

Now over to you. What have you done which helped you remain intact through the stages of divorce? Where are you in your journey and if you could go back, what would you tell yourself?

Be kind to yourself.

 

 

 

 

Handling new significant others after divorce

handling-new-significant-others-after-divorce

One of the funniest things a divorced friend said to me was about her ex-husband finding someone new. A new significant other. She was in a blue mood and I asked her why. She said,

“99.9% of me is very happy he found someone. It’s the other .1% that hoped he would never get over me.”

I laughed because I could relate to what she said perfectly. It is an awkward and sometimes difficult situation. Add the complication of your teenage children starting to date and it’s awkward times infinity.

Our children were in middle school and high school when we got a divorce. We wanted to present a united front where the kid’s well-being and education was concerned. We continued spending holidays together, celebrated the kid’s birthdays that first year or two, and attended several teacher’s meetings and school events together.

When your ex starts dating after your divorce

Sometime during that first year after our civil divorce became final, my ex started dating. It wasn’t serious, but we live in a smallish town and one of these women had kids attending the same school as our son.

I met her quite by accident one day. We were at my ex’s house on a Saturday having lunch. The doorbell rang and no one was expecting anyone. My daughter popped up and answered the door.

The woman was very chatty and my daughter hugged her. Then she saw me and started talking even faster about why she dropped by, put a bag on the table, and left.

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As she turned to go I noticed the shirt she was wearing was completely transparent. Just what you want your teenage daughter to be exposed to on a regular basis.

A couple of weeks later, we attended a music concert at our son’s school and she was there dressed in short shorts and high heels. My cousin was with us and wondered who she was. Our daughter said she shopped at the same stores.

Then this woman started calling our daughter to meet for sushi and shopping. It made me uncomfortable as I felt she was using our daughter to get closer to my ex. I called or emailed him as he was out of the country and told him I was happy if he had found someone but she was making dates with our daughter and I was not okay with that unless they were serious. And he never saw her again.

When your ex finds a new significant other after divorce

Now my ex is living with a woman he has known for years. Apparently, they met over 30 years ago, but he didn’t remember. We live a few blocks away from one another and she is mostly always polite. I have met her kids. They are sweet and get along with my kids really well.

My kids introduce her kids as their step-siblings which is a knife in my heart every time. (Tweet it!)

We don’t do holidays together or celebrate birthdays anymore. I have visited my kids briefly over there but it isn’t the most comfortable. My ex has gone out of his way to let me know I can come visit the kids any time they are there. I don’t unless the kids are sick or hurt and unable to get to me.

The mature part of me is glad my ex is happy and that he has found someone to love after our divorce. His partner’s ex-husband lives in another country so she doesn’t deal with the situations that come up with ex’s living in close proximity. Birthdays are uncomfortable as we both want our kids to be with us on those special days.

My ex and his new significant other take them (all 4 kids) on trips or out to fancy restaurants. they host dinner parties with friends I don’t see often anymore. When the kids tell me about these things, it hurts and I try extremely hard not to say anything negative. But it doesn’t hurt any less.

Dealing with jealousy after divorce

I know we’re not in competition and I will always be their mother, but they now have another parental figure in their lives. And a family unit that I am no part of at all.

My ex joked with me when he first got together with her that she was older than I am. Not sure what that was about but I appreciated his attempt at humor.

My daughter has butted heads with the girlfriend, but they are okay. My son goes to her yoga classes and she jokes with me that he’s going to take over her yoga empire. I just smile. She’s not my enemy but when she did start showing up at my children’s events, that was hard. Especially when I thought it was inappropriate. And when we decided my significant other didn’t need to attend.

The .1% of me didn’t raise my kids to be someone else’s children. The man in my life lives an hour away and my kids know him and are kind and polite but there is no familial relationship there and that is hard. It must have to do with time, age, and proximity.

It is something I still struggle with. This other family unit. Especially when they choose to be at their father’s house with her. Well, it is her house too. Their house.

And so, the journey continues.

Now over to you: Does your ex have a significant other? What does your relationship with them look like?

LGBTQ and Me

lgbtq-tamara-mendelson

I have always considered myself an honorary member of the LGBTQ tribe. I was raised in an inclusive, liberal, environment and never really understood why different was a bad thing. We are all a little different in our own ways. It’s what makes life interesting.

When and where I grew up people assumed you were a Christian of some sort unless you told them otherwise. I remember an interaction with a classmate in my first year of middle school. There were 5-6 feeder schools and a lot of kids I didn’t know. Many of them had never experienced the ‘real world’ or been taught that not everyone was like them.

It was people like this who made me afraid for my children. I am Jewish. In pretty much the entire planet, my kids and I are seen as other. I am a parent. As a parent, I will worry.

When my son came out to me, I didn’t worry about him. It was my turn to worry about the “other”.

Hitting Back

When I was 14-years-old, I was walking to class. I passed by an open locker, where a bunch of boys were hanging out. Without notice, a boy grabbed my head. Pinned me under his arm, he quickly checked my head for horns. “I thought Jews were supposed to have horns?” he asked laughing. Having two brothers of my own, I used my minimal knowledge of physics and combined it with life experience. I shoved him into his locker, making him lose his grip on me, and his balance, at the same time.

He yelled after me that he was going to tell the principal. The empty threats were drowned out by his friends laughing and taunting him. They asked him if he was afraid of a little girl. They teased him until I was out of earshot. I was little and quite satisfied with the way the incident turned out.

No one told had me that Jews were supposed to have horns and a tail! I had never heard anything like that before. It seemed so strange to me that someone whom I had never met and didn’t know any Jews would behave like that.

Then I learned about the Holocaust.

And understood the global implications of hating a particular group of people. In 1939 there were approximately 17 million Jews worldwide. Today worldwide there are approximately 15 million. That means after more than 70 years the Jewish population has still not completely rebounded. Perhaps by 2050, a full hundred years after the Holocaust, we’ll be back to where we were.

The LGBTQ community was attacked in an equally vicious manner during Hitler’s reign.

Prejudice is most often based on ignorance. Disliking a whole community that you have had no personal contact with is primitive, shortsighted, and dangerous.

All kinds of hate are on the rise in the world today. Apparently, it’s okay to hate your neighbor.

When in modern times has it been okay to openly hate someone new to your country, people of color, women, anyone connected to the LBGTQ community, and simply anyone you consider to be “other”. It is unnerving to see rights being stripped of certain groups.

To all of you fighting for change, keep your chin up. Good always prevails. (Tweet it!)

“That’s Gay”

I remember people using the terms “queer” and “homo” to taunt other boys, hoping to anger them and get a reaction. It was used behind their back if they liked music, were involved in gymnastics, or some other silly thing. Those same young monsters would call a girl a dyke if she wasn’t interested in them, didn’t want to go out with them, kiss them, or dress the way they thought a girl shouldn’t.

It is no surprise that no one was out of the closet, so to speak, in our social group. Not until after high school anyway.

My prom date was gay. There was no discussion about it. We became friendly while singing in choir together and he was a good friend. It was a relief that there wasn’t any sexual tension. We sat back and watched the silly going-ons amongst our little group of friends. He is still a friend of mine today and he has been with the same partner as long as any of my straight friends.

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In college, I became attached to a Fraternity. A “boyfriend” who came out to me after college was the president of his fraternity. We worked in the same mall in the summer and hung around together before, during and after work. He was bright and funny and we got along really well. I was invited home to meet his parents, they were lovely. He drank more than he should have. Probably, because his inside life didn’t match his outside. He’s been sober for decades and is in a loving relationship with a career he enjoys and where he excels.

Sensing a pattern here? In my experience, gay men make the best friends and have allowed me to be who I am. I have to point out, this is a rarity in my life.

Priorities

In my 20’s I moved to San Francisco. The only prerequisite of finding a job was a view of the Bay. People assured me I wouldn’t find anyone to date because of the city’s large gay population. It wasn’t an issue and I loved the atmosphere of the city. I marched in the Gay Pride Parade and never missed Halloween in the Castro.

The first Halloween I was there, I didn’t expect full frontal nudity or the mass of bodies. Needless to say, it pushed me a bit out of my comfort zone.

Another night, I was accompanying a handsome friend into a bar. It took reaching the dimly lighted dance floor to realize I was the only woman in the place. There as his escort, to keep the men away. The same friend took me to a party that turned out to be a wake which a friend of his was throwing before his own inevitable death from AIDS.

This was the late 80’s early 90’s and during the beginning of the American AIDS epidemic. At that time, AIDS was a death sentence. The medical community had just given the disease a name. So many people died. The quilt of people lost to this terrible disease kept painfully growing.

Full Circle

When our children were 13 and 15, my husband and I separated. Our son, who was living with me at the time, told me he was gay. He said now, laughing, I would have something besides the divorce to worry about. My son worrying about me, worrying about him.

I wasn’t worried, just a little sad. Not at the fact that he was gay but that some people would judge him differently because he was gay.

The moment he fell asleep, I frantically dialed a few of my friends who had come out themselves and asked them for their advice. I told the story over and over again about what I said to my son.

“There is nothing you could ever say or do that would make me love you any less.”

I do not know any parents who want their kids to be “different.” In my practice, I have helped a few families navigate their children’s otherness. Once we realize that we are all “other” and all feel different in some way there is space to come together and begin a dialogue.

My son asked me not to tell his father yet. Three months later, I did. It was a rough year for our little family but I am happy to say that nine years later, our children are very close. There are friends that we have lost along the way due to intolerance. Other friends have become closer. As we begin PRIDE Month and the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall uprising, I am happy to officially be part of the team. Are you?

Be kind to yourself.

 

 

 

 

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How not to appear like an insecure mess after your divorce

“Fake it ‘til you make it.”

“Put your game face on.”

“Never let them see you sweat.”

Now, I’m not saying that you should fake happiness as you endure the grief and anguish of a separation or divorce. But if I learned anything from my own divorce, showing your guts to the whole world isn’t the best way to ease the pain.

Private grief is safer grief. Grief that is meaningful — because your relationships are meaningful even when they end.

The trick is not to turn all that angst inward. We are all guilty of that. I remember asking myself, “Why can’t I keep this relationship together? What’s wrong with me?”

During and after my divorce, I was my own worst critic. (Tweet it!)

As it turned out, nothing was wrong with me. The relationship had run it’s course and I wasn’t willing to spend the time fixing something that was just broken. I would not have survived that in an recognizable way. I would have given up who I was to be somewhere I couldn’t thrive.

But I did feel less than enough.

Who hasn’t felt like they weren’t enough? Not enough to stay married, or get that promotion, or make a lot of money. Add a separation or divorce in the mix, and it adds another thick layer of insecurity.

Read a magazine, watch a tv show, stream a movie. They’re full of perfect looking people doing and saying perfect things with perfect lives and perfect teeth. It’s not reality.

Facebook is the good face of your friends and acquaintances. The best of every day and every event. Pictures can and are photoshopped. Everyone puts their best face forward there, but it’s not real.

We get these messages every day from the outside world. We would be happier if we were thinner, richer, drank that vodka or that beer. Drove that car or vacationed at a certain resort. Getting divorced only exaggerates that feeling of inadequacy.

I questioned myself constantly. “Why can’t I keep my marriage together when so many other people can?”

And even though I wasn’t happy in my marriage, I realized that being part of a couple, and then separating and divorcing, left me with a new and often uncomfortable existence. I no longer had a spouse. Part of identity was gone.

Feeling vulnerable, insecure and untethered was my day-to-day at first. It took me months to feel even a little like myself again. I was a mess. It was almost impossible to get through the day. Although my children were my anchor, social situations were uncomfortable and some of the people I spoke to just wanted the dirt on my situation. They weren’t interested in my wellbeing at all.

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Dealing with the social anxiety

During the end of my marriage and divorce, I went to many events by myself. People would ask where my husband was, and I would say “travelling” or “had another event” or would just smile and shrug. Once we separated, sometimes it was awkward and uncomfortable, painfully so. I chose carefully what events I attended and to whom I spoke. It was my story and I was careful with whom I shared it. And having a rehearsed answer was a great help.

“Hi, how are you?” holding my arm and looking in my eyes expectantly.

“Doing well thanks.”

“It must be really hard for you”

“I’m doing okay, thanks for asking.” *Patting their arm and walking away*

It’s a good feeling. I developed other rituals to help me get through any kind of interaction. I rehearsed scenarios and after some time, things got easier.

We all have rituals that make us feel more comfortable.

We’re all insecure

Successful CEO billionaires are insecure. I just finished reading Shoe Dog written by Phil Knight, the man who started NIKE. The book was about the journey of his early life and how NIKE came to be. It wasn’t easy, and there were many moments when he was on the edge but he persevered. He also was in debt up to his eyeballs and had no idea where the next infusion of cash was coming from.

Not everyone deserves or needs to hear your story. Be particular about who you let in. In our culture of oversharing, think about it first. Find the people that will be positive in your recovery and talk to them.

Don’t look for the people that have always been critical of you to all of a sudden understand your pain, your plans, or why you feel insecure. While building up your strength and re-inventing yourself, be cautious and careful.

Be a little protective of the new and better “you” that’s emerging.

Now over to you: Who have you chosen to share your divorce story with?

My Own Place in the Hilarious World of Depression

my-own-place-hilarious-world-depression-tamara-mendelson

That deep dark bottomless pit of sadness that I didn’t have a name for when I was a teenager was depression. Depression does not discriminate due to race, age, sexual orientation, fluidity of gender, nationality, geographic location, or any other reason. Period.

Being married or divorced doesn’t protect you from depression. Success and money aren’t a safeguard from depression. Education or status doesn’t shield you from depression. Fame and notoriety don’t protect you from depression. Having a new baby or being pregnant doesn’t spare you from depression. See what I’m getting at here?

“You don’t have to wake up in pain” a friend and Chinese Medicine practitioner once said to me, as he was pushing acupuncture needles into my calve. And he was right. The pain he spoke about wasn’t just physical.

Of the 100 most influential people named by Time Magazine for 2019, almost 20% of the people have dealt with or are dealing with chronic illness or serious disabilities.

I have thought a lot about depression and anxiety and the cycle they create

Reading or hearing about people who have found a way to thrive is uplifting and inspiring.

I have suffered from depression & anxiety, on and off, my whole life. I actively seek out publications, podcasts, and literature on the subject and would like to share one I recently came across with you.

The podcast is called, The Hilarious World of Depression, published by American Public Media. Sponsored by Health Partners and Make it Okay.org. Their mission is to help people start conversations about mental illness. They give great advice on what to say and what not to say when involved in one of these conversations. It’s like a club that you don’t really want to join but are part of anyway. The stories hit home. The thing we thought we suffered with alone is much more common than we think. It’s reassuring.

John Moe, the host of the podcast, is an accomplished public radio host and humorist, is a fellow anxiety and depression sufferer. He says, “It can be difficult to trace the source of ones depression. You have circumstance, trauma, genetics and there is only so much science knows about that big bucket of goo in our heads.”

He interviews comedians, actors, and writers about their struggles with depression. The show is brilliant, sad, funny, and helpful. Mostly, he makes listeners feel less alone. We all feel or have felt alone before we gave this pervasive black hole a name. Back before we found other people who also suffer from depression. These amazingly talented and successful people talk about their personal struggles and their darkest hours. Some have either moved on from their black hole, while some continually deal with and manage their depression and anxiety.

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It is interesting that a good number of people who are known for their comedy suffer from depression. Did you know that Kristen Bell, Jim Carrey, Ellen Degeneres, Johnny Depp, Lady Gaga, and Courtney Cox are all sufferers, just to name a few? Amazing, right?! And yet, not so amazing. I believe it does help when people come out and talk about their struggles with it.

Sure, these folks may have better access to medical care and support but it doesn’t protect them from suffering.

This podcast speaks to my wicked sense of humor too

The same sense of humor that has gotten me through some really difficult and awkward situations. For years, I had low-level anxiety that would sometimes become intense. It felt like everyone was judging me. This is a very common symptom for anxiety sufferers.

During my own battle with anxiety and later depression, I used to get dressed and wear many layers so when the prickly sweat of heart palpitations of anxiety would begin, I could peel clothes off to get more comfortable just before I fled the room. I never sat in the middle of a theater or auditorium, only at the end of the row where I could get out if needed. I always made sure I knew where the exit was in any given room so I could get out, even if I didn’t need to bolt that minute.

Anxiety and depression are not funny when you are going through them

When you feel like the most worthless person alive and that you will never be happy again. Everything is a Herculean effort. Getting out of bed, taking a shower, and even eating, are for many too much to manage. The overwhelming fatigue can keep you in bed for days, or weeks, or longer. It’s not about “bucking up” as some unhelpful advice suggests. I learned that bucking up just puts off the inevitable or eventual crash which can happen at any time.

Eventually, you come out of a depression. Many times with the help of intervention, talk therapy, drugs, time, support, community or a combination of all of them.

On a clearer, less painful day, the darkness will lift, and finally, your own behavior might seem mildly amusing. The other possibility is that some form of faux-psychosis has happened and your memory is a little fuzzy. It’s probably a good thing too.

I wish there would have been sources like this available or that people talked about it when I had my first bout of depression

It makes me feel better that there are resources like Make It Okay out there now.

Now, I help other people with their anxiety, depression, fear, and loss. I try to carry the pain of other people and help them to feel better and less alone. I have had other depressive episodes including PTSD after brain surgery. But that’s a story for another day.

I don’t blame my parents for not understanding what I was going through. As a parent, it’s hard to see your child in pain and not be able to do anything about it. I was a terrific actress, appearing okay when I wasn’t. It didn’t help and I didn’t learn that lesson until much later and it’s been re-learned over and over again. I call out my clients on this kind of thing. Fine doesn’t really mean anything unless you are talking about dining or cashmere.

One of the most helpful observations I can share is, with help one can recover. You are not alone. (Tweet it!)

According to the World Health Organization’s statistics, 300 million people suffer from depression globally.

Last summer I took a series of courses to get certified in Positive Psychology. For me, it is about positivity and resilience. It focuses on not going back through every bad thing that has ever happened but looking forward with help and for the purpose of healing. Perseverance is something that can be learned and shared and taught.

Important for you to know

If you are sad or in pain please reach out. There is no shame in asking for help. I would be honored to help. I’ve been there and I promise no needles.

As always, I’m here for you.

Now over to you: Tell me, how are you really feeling? Leave a reply in the comments or send me an email here: tamara@tamaramendelson.com

Be kind to yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

5 behaviors to ditch when getting over a breakup

I am not saying that wallowing isn’t allowed during your breakup. A certain period of mourning is expected and even healthy as the loss you are feeling is great. But moving on without dealing with your feelings can backfire months or years down the line.

Be responsible for you and your immediate family. If a whole office, company, or community of people is depending on you, let them know that you are taking a step back for a while as you’re getting over the breakup. Delegate until you feel up to the task again. And you will.

Here’s a great example of not dealing with your feelings after divorce: dating or even remarrying immediately! If you don’t give yourself the time to reflect on what went wrong or what didn’t work in the previous relationship, don’t expect the next one to be any better! The unresolved issues will carry into the next relationship and can easily sabotage it.

Who doesn’t want to feel that elation in a new relationship? Suddenly you’re fascinating to someone and you feel great. The honeymoon period is a wash of emotions, and this person seems PERFECT. But jumping into another relationship puts a lot of pressure on you to try to erase the past or rewrite it. You’ll be constantly comparing this new person to your ex — and anyone seems amazing compared to them — even someone who’s actually not so great.

People and relationships are not black and white. No one is perfect. And human interaction is far from perfect. As my boyfriend is fond of saying “Everyone’s shit smells.” And he has a point.

So what do we do to avoid this idealized view of a new person?

Time. Take time to get to know them and not fill in the blanks with your fantasies. (Tweet it!)

Letting your feelings be felt is the best way to move towards healing. All of us need a period to mourn what was. The time will depend entirely on you and what you need.

If you keep your feelings bottled up inside churning like acid, they will eventually corrode the core that is your emotional wellbeing.

So here are my top 5 behaviors to ditch when getting over a breakup:

Social media.

Do not look at or respond to your ex’s social media. People lie and always put their best face forward. You do not need the pictures of the young chick he is seeing permanently burned into your brain. If your ex-wife’s new chick is younger, hotter, or richer, you don’t know the whole story and all it does is make you feel bad. Why would you torture yourself?

Being a weepy mess.

Everyone who has gone through a divorce needs to fully experience this stage of post-divorce life for as long as they need to. If you are a weepy mess, be a weepy mess but don’t expect even your closest friends or family to want to hear about it 24/7. Get some professional help (yes that’s what I do) and work on getting yourself back together. For those of you that have joined our group well done. This is a safe space and we are happy to have you.

Listening to the negative tapes in your head.

Don’t listen to the little gremlins in your mind that tell you it was your fault or you are not enough. If you were thinner, richer, more interesting etc. You are the best you that you can be. You are unique and talented and special. If there are things you want to change for you, take this as an opportunity to work on the things you want to work on to improve yourself for you and your children. But you are enough RIGHT NOW.

Kicking yourself around.

Be kind to yourself. You may feel like a failure during your breakup, but you DESERVE self-love. This is not the time to add pressure. And this is not the time to start new projects. This is the time to begin to heal. Make the words you say to yourself gentle and loving. Get a massage or just take your two hands and rub the back or your neck. Feel the tension? Do things that are soothing for you. Music, exercise, coffee with a friend. For a cheap spa experience, warm some cream in the micro (don’t boil it) for a few seconds and rub your feet with it. Repeat to yourself in a loving voice, “I am more than enough” as many times as you need to start believing it.

Watching negative news.

Limit your intake of bad news. The world is in a mess right now. Floods and fires, destruction and death. In some places, complete devastation. We cannot constantly take in news like this and be okay. Make a small donation if you want to help. I sent underwear to Houston through Amazon. I knew that it would go directly to the people who needed it and felt a little better that someone will have clean underwear to put on tomorrow. And that makes me feel a little better.

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Just as you would not pour salt directly into a cut, scrape or other wound, stop doing the things that bring you more pain. Be kind to yourself. And when you’ve done these things, only then are you ready to invite a new love into you life.

Now over to you: Which habits do you need to work on before you start dating? I’d love to hear!

Soulmates are bullshit and other romantic lies we’re told

soulmates-bullshit-other-romantic-lies-told-tamara-mendelson

From our earliest memories, when we were exposed to stories of fables and folklore, we are told there is a happily ever after. Whether it be animated shorts, films, or books, the story is often the same.

One person. One true love. One prince/princess, pirate, or thief who will come save us from our lives.

No matter how much our lives suck: living in a tower, lost fortunes, unable to speak, poor and covered with cinders (yep Cinderella got her name from sweeping ashes out of fireplaces) there’s always someone on their way to save us.

Disney has been particularly helpful in perpetuating this myth of soulmates

Don’t think that I haven’t noticed that the conflict comes from killing off the mother in the first few minutes. Or just making her absent. Examples, Bambi, Finding Nemo, Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Snow White, Frozen, and an excessive amount of time in new Mary Poppins Returns reminding viewers that the mom is dead. And it’s just that, a story.

The princess is saved by the price. Their eyes meet and BAM! they are in love forever. They go off and live in the big castle in the sunshine and nothing bad ever happens after. We don’t see it anyway. At least not in the film or book.

Swooning Soulmates drawn together by the universe who fall madly in love and that’s the end of the story. But is it really?

My point here is not to burst your pink shiny bubble

My point is to call bullshit on this happily-ever-after stuff. Especially strong women being saved by princes. I’m not alone in this feeling. Have a look at perhaps one of my favorite animated cinematic moment which drives home my point here. It’s refreshing to see a princess tell it like it is.

In my coaching experience, I had a client who had a pattern of dating people who made them miserable.

They were in a continuous state of apology and acquiescence when there was no wrongdoing or blame. They hadn’t been together very long but one partner was living under the delusion that the relationship was going to the next level. Getting married, merging families, and totally uprooting everyone’s life, including 5 young kids between them, is not a decision to take lightly. Trouble was, the relationship hadn’t really progressed to that level. One wanted to be married to anyone, a reasonable facsimile would work. They foresaw a happily-ever-after scenario where one didn’t exist and had no basis in reality.

I only asked my client one question. “Why would you make a commitment to someone who makes you miserable?” My client was a bit put off at first but then began to think about what was good in the relationship and couldn’t come up with much of a list. In fact, most of their communication was arguments via text message…

I’m not going to hide that having Sarah Silverstein as a race car driving, first ever, Jewish Disney Princess is exciting to me.

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In real life, relationships fail

Marriages end, people die, bad things happen to everyone, and there is nothing wrong with you. “Life isn’t fair, it’s just life.”– Rob Lowe. Yep, he said it. Historically when women were not legally allowed to work or own property, this ‘soulmates’ stuff may have helped people live the lives they were in. As the centuries have gone on, things have evened up a bit and all sorts of different family units have been formed.

In my estimation, this is how it works and it’s based in our biology. It’s that first blush of… let’s call it lust. Pheromones in which everyone looks like a soulmate. All the rough edges are smoothed, money isn’t an issue, ambition or drive isn’t important. The horrible way her family treats you doesn’t matter. Love conquers all. You just bask in that hormonal glow that helps keep the population growing.

The truth is, there is no perfect piece to your puzzle. There may be pieces that fit better than others at different times for different reasons. (Tweet it!)

I don’t want anyone to ever feel bad that they don’t have a soulmate. Having a community that feeds your soul is a more positive and can be much more fulfilling option.

And that’s my point. Did you ever wonder where these stories came from originally? I did a little research and here is what I came up with.

1800-2000 BCE the Egyptians in the Book of the Dead it may state that the origin of the split soul theory derives from the Heliopolis creation myth, and the model of two gods, Shu & Tefnut, and their god souls, deriving from one god, Atum, and his one God soul

385 BCE was the first time the idea of ‘soulmates’ might have been first discussed by Aristophanes in his work, Symposium, he tells Socrates that human beings used to have four arms, four legs, and two faces, and they were happy and complete. But Zeus was jealous and split them in two, with his thunderbolt. Now, humans spend their lives searching for their other half. This idea of an “other half” has been with us ever since.

In ancient Greek mythology, there were round beings of three different sorts. They had two halves, male-male, male-female, and female-female. One day, for no apparent reason, they attacked Zeus, God of everything, and he was so angry he split these souls into two pieces and this causes them great pain and sorrow.

Relationships are everything

But all kinds of relationships. Love can be what keeps us going but not the soulmate, unrealistic, magical stardust of two people who are destined for one another.

If you are in a happy and healthy relationship, that’s amazing. And I applaud you. I have never been to a wedding where people didn’t claim to be soulmates. At least for that moment in time. A huge portion of the start of your relationship is spent on what the wedding will look like and who will be invited. I think a better use of time and resources would be, getting to know your bride or groom really well before rushing to the altar. Maybe the divorce rate would be lower if we waited for that rush to wear off and built a solid, lasting, and loving friendship.

But that’s just me.

Now over to you: What do you think about building a healthy relationship and how to interpret the modern ‘soulmates’? What are the red flags?

Be kind to yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

Resources:

Heliopolis Creation myth
The Gods Shu and Tefnut

5 ways not to have a crappy Mother’s Day

I remember standing with a couple of friend’s years ago at a brunch. We had lovely food on small plates in one hand and sparkling wine in the other. Someone walked up and asked the group what we were doing for Mother’s Day. This was a reasonable question as it was the Sunday before Mother’s Day. We all said almost at once “We hate Mother’s Day.”  The person turned and walked away. We looked at one another and smiled and laughed.

Why were we hating on Mother’s Day? The reason was that we no longer had mothers to celebrate Mother’s Day with. All our mothers had died relatively young and it was a very tough holiday. I smile thinking about the memory as our mothers would have been appalled by our rude behavior.

For years after my mother passed away I gave flowers to a favorite aunt until she died. Then a favorite cousin until she died. And honestly, I am running out of people to celebrate with.

Mother’s Day is commercialized

Mother’s Day itself is a relatively new holiday. Although some sort of ritual celebrating mothers can be traced back to the Greeks. The modern version became a permanent holiday by decree in 1914 under President Wilson. Anna Jarvis, a banker and social activist, who was the founder of Mother’s Day, began celebrating the day in 1911. And Anna was instrumental in having it accepted as a national holiday. It was a day to honor and celebrate her own mother. Later in her life, Jarvis was disillusioned by the commercialism of the day.

Imagine, the founder of Mother’s Day grew to dislike it. So, what do we do not to make the day miserable?

Well, my choice would be to spend the day with my kids. I have adult children and have celebrated many Mother’s Days with them. This year they are on an adventure and will be halfway around the world on my day. Therefore, that won’t work.

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Here I give you five recommendations for things you can do to make the day a little special:

1. If your mom is nearby, having a meal together is a nice idea.

If you don’t feel like going to crowded restaurants with harassed waitstaff, takeout from a bagel place or deli counter works and is easier for everyone. Even if you don’t get along with your mother, she did give birth to you. So if a meal is too much or she is too far away, giver her a call, a card, or a coupon for a future meal together.

2. Let go.

Is the relationship with your mother not a close one? If you are angry and have no reason to celebrate, it’s probably time for you to let go of some of that anger and resentment. This is a good day to start trying to believe that people do the best they can with the situation they have at the time. And then, move on. Part of being a grown up is not blaming your parents for things.

3. Remember it’s only a day.

One day out of the year. The hype doesn’t have a lot to do with your relationship with your kids or your mother. It’s a holiday for companies to sell things. Don’t buy into it. Especially If you are feeling blue. Do something wonderful for yourself. If your budget allows and you are inclined, book a spa treatment, take a friend. Do it yourself spa at home. A little selfcare is in order. If that means do yoga, take a walk or binge watch “This is Us”, do that.

4. If your children are young and still at home, encourage them to be part of the celebration of their birth.

Cook together and tell them about where they came from. Obviously, it depends on their age how many details you share. Spend some time without phones, computers, or television, and make whatever time you have special. Make sure you get some of your wants taken care of on this day too. Also, “mommy needs two hours off” isn’t an unreasonable request.

5. Make yourself a plan for the day.

Don’t do errands unless you really want to. It will make you feel good. If someone else’s brunch is a tradition and you don’t want to go, don’t go. Life is about choices and you can chose not to do something you don’t want to do. Listen to some music either live or on the device of your choice. If you want to be alone, do that. And, if you want to be with people, then make that happen.

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Being a mother is the most difficult and most rewarding thing I have ever done. And I don’t need a day on a calendar to commemorate it.(Tweet it!)

It’s a day to celebrate women and what we can do with our miraculous bodies. It’s a day to celebrate the miracle that is birth. Your mother’s birth and yours.

Now over to you: How do you feel about Mother’s Day? Do you celebrate the day?

Be kind to yourself.