50% of married couples eventually get divorced. But does that mean that 50% of people are a failure? Why do so many divorced individuals struggle with intense feelings of failure?
It’s more than a little antiquated and unrealistic to view divorce as a failure in modern society. Every generation lives longer than the previous generation. “Until death do us part” was a different kind of promise when people didn’t live much beyond 50. We used to live in a society where people lived in the same home town all their lives, stayed at the same job for 40 years, and then retired. Do you know a lot of people who have worked at the same job or the same company for their entire careers?
Dynamic lives – dynamic marriages
Life isn’t like that anymore. Life is long and complicated and messy and people may decide that they want different things. People change and grow and move around. They don’t stay in one place their whole lives. They quit jobs, move cities, go back to school, and change careers. The pace of life is completely different than it was two generations ago. So why do we look at the institution of marriage in a way that is no longer accurate, relevant, or productive?
Was my marriage a mistake? My children are the most precious things in my life and certainly in the life of my ex-husband. They were not mistakes or in any way a failure. By what standard and whose judgment are all these ex-spouses marked as failures? The fact that we raised two healthy, happy, well-rounded, and generous adults doesn’t sound like a failure to me. We should be celebrating this beautiful achievement.
Was it easy?
No. Divorce sucks. It was agonizing and soul wrenching and the only choice after 17 years. It isn’t something anyone who has been through takes lightly (or would go through willingly.) I know a few happily married couples. Good for them. I know a lot more unhappily married couples. Good luck to them. It’s very hard to live a lie.
The old adage “The only real failure is in not every trying” could be applied here to love and marriage. Committing yourself to another person is a huge act of faith and hopefulness. But things happen and love changes. People’s needs change and sometimes the only way to move ahead is to break something.
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Redefining failure
Families don’t resemble the nuclear families I was raised in. Pop culture has figured this out. Have you seen an episode of Modern Family? No rigid definition of family there. But it is a family. The father got a divorce and married a younger woman with a child. And then had a child together. He has grandchildren older than his own child and his adopted child. Two gay fathers bring up an adopted Asian daughter. And a married couple that were high school sweethearts are trying to keep their relationship relevant while raising three children.
Maybe we could redefine failure. How about divorce as a rite of passage? A stage in life 50% of married people in the world go through. Divorce is a journey toward finding the person you are meant to be with.
Now over to you: Did you feel like a failure when you were going through your divorce? How have your feelings about your divorce evolved over time? I’d love to hear how you’re dealing with this tough transition!
[thesis_block type=”tip” header=”Disclaimer” content=”This blog is based on personal experiences and contains my subjective opinion along with some research-based facts. My point with this blog post is not to offend anyone but purely to express myself.”]
Growing up in a family of medical professionals, it wasn’t unheard of for dinner talk to become downright gross. My dad frequently took urgent calls at the table and my mom, a Pediatric Nurse, spoke in detail about things that most of us don’t ever want to know about.
I remember distinctly hearing one too many gory details and pushing my dinner plate to the center of the table, getting no one’s attention by leaving. My brother was on course to become a doctor, so he was right in there with the questions so more disgusting details could be revealed.
When you grow up in a family of medical professionals, the profession either appeals to you as a career choice or it doesn’t.
Those conversations stuck with me
By the time we were in our teens, we could all repeat what my father would say for a head injury. “Make the child moan or groan or roll over and make sure that it is normal sleep.” This was in case the child had a concussion and needed further treatment.
Being one of four teenagers, the food didn’t go to waste when I left the stomach-turning dinner conversation. As mentioned, no one really missed me. My sister had a job just after college where she took blood a hundred times a day. The correct term is ‘Phlebotomist’. The title I preferred was ‘Vampire’. Point being, she didn’t mind blood.
Fortunately, I had one brother who didn’t lean toward medicine. He was so sensitive he forgot to breathe at funerals and was a clumsy sweet jock, spending an inordinate time at the Orthopedist. Perhaps the clumsy bit came from growing about 12 inches in high school.
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People have been telling me their secrets all my life. I innately knew what people needed. I pay close attention to what people say, and don’t say, and sometimes know what people need before they do.
Through osmosis, I did collect a lot of information at the dinner table over those years. I also had two younger siblings and babysat from the time I was 14-years-old. I was a camp counselor for both boys and girls. When my kids were little, I had a number of friends with kids the same ages who called me before they called their own doctor.
Through the power of observation and empathy, I know stuff.
Observations
In college, I took a number of psychology courses. For a brief moment, I even thought about becoming a Psychologist. Most of it seemed like common sense to me. I considered the kids of Psychologist I knew and how they were kind of screwed up. You know that old saying about shrinks being crazy themselves? While harsh, it turns out that mindset may be based in fact.
While on Psychology Today, I found all sorts of articles and studies about the lack of mental health services for Mental Health Practitioners.
My favorite article is written by Robert Epstein, Ph.D.: Why Shrinks Have Problems:Suicide, stress, divorce — psychologists and other mental health professionals may actually be more screwed up than the rest of us.
It is an amazingly well-written and researched article which brings home my point.
It is not to say that I haven’t had a great therapist, because I have. I have also had a terrible therapist that took a side in couples therapy and was more concerned with the color of my shoes than the disintegration of my marriage.
The end of my marriage is how I got into coaching/counseling.
After reading a text about grit, and observing my students’ reactions to the concept, I became interested in Positive Psychology. I was inspired by Angela Duckworth, who gave a TED talk about her career as a Teacher and Psychologist. I joined UPenn’s Positive Psychology certification course where Angela Duckworth taught one of the courses. That was in 2018.
Positivity
Common sense and empathy are what I use to help others. Tapping into the powers of perseverance, positivity, and your natural strengths, will guide you towards living a happier and more fulfilled life. Anyone can learn to be more resilient. An emotional pain doesn’t have to be a life sentence.
I have helped my clients learn about themselves and what specifically motivates them to live happier lives.
In the last month, I have spent a great deal of time with some very special teenagers in my life. Overall, I have found them to be smart, connected, and highly intelligent. And at the same time an anxious, depressed, and confused bunch. Unlike times past, they may have fewer outlets to vent their frustrations. And fewer real people to talk to who are not themselves, also part of this anxious, depressed, and confused bunch.
I was also surprised to learn that this intensely savvy group may be very adept in using and understanding technology but are little stuck on the basic life skills side of things. They don’t have the slightest idea what they want and if they do know what they want they are not all that clear on how to go about getting it.
FOMO is a real thing
Many studies have shown that having a smartphone in your hand all the time can cause anxiety. A medically recognized condition that is a real deep fear of missing out (FOMO) or an actual physical addition to the constant buzzing, bells, and chimes.
It’s very hard to discuss problems in 60 characters or less. And if they wanted to seek some help or counseling there is a huge stigma against doing so. Many feel that to need help, any kind of mental health help, means that there is something wrong with them. They don’t consider being in pain or confusion as something someone with some life experience might be able to help them with. And as I’ve mentioned before, human interaction can save your life!
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They react to everything. Their concentration is challenged in every way possible. And don’t forget the raging hormones, peer pressure, and trying to please into the mix.
So what can we do to help these young people?
Here are 5 survival strategies for you and your teenager:
1. The only thing that you can control is how you react to things that happen to you or around you.
There can be a lot of negative energy emulating from a teenage mouth. Trust me, it’s not about you. It’s about an inability to control feelings. Ignore and opt to chat at a calmer time. Perspective comes with time and thought.
2. Check in with your body a couple of times a day
Am I hungry, thirsty, tired, feeling safe and secure and loved? That’s a lot of things to check but it’s very hard to make any kind of good decision if you are hungry, thirsty, or tired. Not to mention cared for and safe. And if you aren’t feeling good for any of these reasons, what then? You take care of the ones you can and get some help with the ones you need assistance with.
3. Bullet Journaling.
Suggest that your teenager writes about how they are feeling. This is a tested stress reliever and can clarify how they are feeling to see it written out on the page, phone, or computer. Not everyone is a novelist. A blank journal page can be extra pressure for some. You do not want to make the act of journaling another thing on your to-do list. Make it an option. It’s a good stress reliever for us parents as well.
4. Is something bad happening or not?
With most of us, our primitive brain jumps in at the first sign of stress and tries to keep us safe by pumping some adrenaline and getting us to run. Problem is most of the time we and our teenagers are in no real danger and all that surging can leave us all exhausted and more anxious than when we started. Ask yourself and your teenager “is anything really bad happening here?” If the answer is no, then repeat to yourself three times, nothing bad is happening.
5. Seek Help.
Everyone needs someone neutral and nonjudgmental to talk things over with. Parents can be great resources. We were all young once. But our own children are probably less likely to take our advice. Perhaps suggest someone outside who can listen with some perspective. It is completely natural to want to check in with someone, to help make a decision or solve a problem.
And no one needs to know if you or your teenager is seeking some help, encouragement, or information.
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The most important thing is that you have the resources to make better decisions and feel better about yourself and your emotional teen.
Be kind to yourselves.
Now over to you: What do you do to make sure your teenager(s) are living a happy stress-free life?
“Oh, your gay son?” And other crap people say without thinking before they speak…
I was answering a question the other day sitting with a small group of people. Some I knew well some less well. My children drove across America together last spring and one of my friends wanted to talk about it as his son and a friend had done the same trip recently but in reverse. East to West instead of West to East.
“Oh, your gay son?” Someone said. Huh? I didn’t answer and kept telling my story. The man had no idea that what he said was offensive and I wasn’t interested enough in engaging him in further conversation.
By way of introduction, I only have one son. And yet people who should know better put the moniker gay in front of my son as if I am in need of a reminder of my son’s sexual orientation. Nonchalantly like it’s a color or a description. Your blue son or your fat son.
My son came out to me when he was 15
His father and I had been separated for a few months by then. He had just begun his sophomore year in high school. It wasn’t a shock exactly but it was an event. The most defining in his life? Up until that point maybe. Maybe not.
His being able to identify the make and model of every car on the street at age two was pretty amazing. His ability to speak two languages fluently is remarkable.
Maybe not the biggest even in his life, but It’s not my story to tell…and yet other people feel inclined to remind me constantly that my son is gay. As if I might not remember or it is the only way to identify him.
That is really interesting to me because my son is tall, personable, attractive, and musically inclined. He has a ton of friends and really enjoys his life when he isn’t fretting about it.
As if being gay was the rest of the story. His story? My story? Anyone’s whole story.?
It’s not as if he is Ellen Degeneres and came out in Hollywood before it was popular to come out. And then she didn’t work for three years and then went on to have a very successful talk show career.
Isn’t there enough going on?
As if there is not enough reality tv to keep people occupied. Do they want to see the worst in people so they can feel better about themselves? Judge other people and identify them with one word that says everything there is to know about them.
Taking that small part of him, the gay part? Then someone can feel they know something about my son or my family and discounting or ignoring the rest of who he is? The part they think is interesting or titillating or will make me feel like they relate?
How about the fact that he is very kind and has a lovely relationship with his not gay sister?
It’s as if these people are displaying their liberal chops by reminding me that they know my son is gay. Like I have Jewish friends or an Asian colleague.
It sort of reminds me of when people found out I was getting a divorce. They treated the news as if I might be contagious. Mostly sure it’s not. A man I know actually said to me at a party, bragging, “We dodged that bullet” haha, at least we’re not divorced. Huh? Okay then. He walked over to me to say what? I feel your pain? Not even close. Better you than me? Almost exactly. I shook it off.
As he is my only son and my first born, kind-hearted, funny, smart, and talented. Good to his mother. These are the qualities I admire. Why is it that people feel the need, perhaps well-meaningly, to add his sexuality to the conversation?
It’s not how I talk about my daughter. My strong sweet heterosexual daughter. Strange right? I am not sure why we feel the need to categorize other people. Put them in boxes as if our complicated messiness can be so easily explained.
“Have you met my friend, Doug?” “Yes, he’s a lovely man, unhappily married and possibly bi-sexual.” It’s just not done.
As if discussing someone’s sexuality somehow distinguishes them more than other parts of them. Maybe it’s some kind of a code. I certainly don’t refer to other people’s children in the same way. My niece the vegan? Your son with the learning disability?
I have a few friends with gay kids. We were friends long before we knew any of our children were gay and yet none of us refer to our children except by their first names. Yes, we examined, commiserated, and discussed the challenges they might face in an intolerant world but it wasn’t the basis of our friendships. Not what keeps us friends today.
Is it about labels? Making sure we know which side everyone is on? Whose team they bat for, vote for, live for?
Be kind to yourself.
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I was thinking about spring this morning. The sky was a cloudless deep blue. Despite a morning chill, brave flowers and hearty trees were blooming and while I stood directly in the sun, I felt warm. For a minute. Then I hurried back across the campus where I teach to grab a hot cup of coffee and a bite of reality.
I was also thinking about women. International Women’s Day & Women’s History Month. Statistically more than half the population, it probably should be half the year.
Then, I was thinking about women all around the world who don’t have the same rights that I enjoy. Feeling a little afraid about the future of healthcare and reproductive rights, I’ve always been fascinated by the fact that the large majority of the people who make these decisions don’t have uteruses. And how that needs to change.
Earlier this week, I went to the hospital for a test I’ve been putting off for five years. Won’t go into the details, but it was an icky gross experience with a good clean ending. Fear should not keep us from taking care of ourselves. It’s an amazing feeling to check something off my list that doesn’t have to be done again for five years. My clients regularly speak to me about their medical fears. This time, it was me who took their advice to stay calm and positive. I can’t report that I was calm. Positive? Yes.
Spring cleaning yourself too
Preventative care. That’s what I’m talking about. It’s why we try to eat right, exercise, and quit smoking. We need to start putting “us” on the calendar. There are so many things we put off for no reason other than: who really wants to visit a doctor or dentist if they don’t have to? Spring cleaning, after a long dark miserable winter, should be about learning to focus on yourself more often. Not just when crocuses or daffodils appear.
We can’t just put our temperature on maximum heat and expect all the baked-on crud of a lifetime of bad habits to burn away. And as we age, sometimes self-care moves itself even further down our to-do lists. But early detection saves lives.
As we get older, there are things that need to be monitored more closely. Mammograms should be done every year or two depending on your family history beginning at 40. Teeth cleaning should be done twice a year, especially to help identify and prevent gum disease and tooth decay. Blood tests should be once a year. It’s good to have a baseline as high blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes are generally cumulative problems that should not be left unchecked.
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After a divorce, illness or death of a loved one, loss of a job, empty nest syndrome, or a host of other fun life-cycle events, all cause extra stress and do play a role in your health as well. This is NOT the time to take less care of yourself. If your children are young, make an appointment for yourself when you make their annual appointments. It’s a good example for children to know that once a year, you see the doctor too. Maybe next time they need a check-up it won’t be a struggle to get them to go. It’s okay to worry and care for yourself the same way you worry and care for your loved ones.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: How will you commit to taking better care of yourself this spring? I’d love to hear!
[thesis_block type=”note” header=”” content=”re·sil·ience
/rəˈzilyəns/
noun
1.
the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
Synonyms: flexibility, pliability, suppleness, elasticity, give, springiness”]
Or, as it used to be called, bouncing back.
When I heard about all the rich parents buying their children’s acceptances into top-notch schools I was shocked. And then I wasn’t.
People have been buying influence since before money was invented. What saddens me as a parent is these people of privilege didn’t trust their kids enough or spoiled them so much that they couldn’t or didn’t accept the responsibility to do what needed to be done to get into the school they wanted.
It is also possible that these kids, or some of them at least, had no idea what was going on or figured they were entitled to get into whatever school their parents could afford to buy them into.
Would it perhaps have been better had they taught their children how to be more resilient?
It is a balancing act as a parent not to give your children everything. They are the most precious little beings to us and we want nothing bad to ever happen to them. It’s not possible, of course, as life has trauma. We try to mitigate their traumas when we can. It’s easier the younger they are. Once they leave our realm of influence it gets tougher.
More than a few of my clients struggle with this delicate balance. How to help your children become more resilient and at the same time love them unconditionally. I have come up with what I hope are useful strategies to raise more resilient kids and expand our own abilities to model as more resilient adults.
1. Teach problem-solving skills
Do this by letting children make mistakes. Doing a school project for them or over-helping with homework isn’t going to help them develop the ability of trial and error. Give them an opportunity to come up with their own solutions. Brainstorm together about how to handle adversity. For example, a child is anxious about going away to an outdoor school for a week and has never been away from home.
An anxious parent might just allow them to stay home so they both feel better. In the short run. But missing out because the experience is unfamiliar isn’t helping the child develop or the parent let go a little.
Another approach might be to talk about homesickness and what to do when they feel bad or sad or a bit frightened in a new environment. Taking a favorite toy or book with them might reduce their anxiety. Or having a couple of letters tucked into their luggage from family members will reassure them and might decrease the feeling of homesickness.
2. Try not to do everything for your children
We want to make sure our children are comfortable. But if we do everything for them, we do not allow them to understand and appreciate the feeling of independence. If we do everything, how are they going to learn to be self-reliant?
If we are anxious ourselves it is very difficult to encourage our kids to be okay with uncertainty. We do not have all the answers and being able to sit with some level of not knowing is a very important skill for modern life. I am not advising putting a two-year-old behind the wheel of a car but someday that two-year-old will want to drive a car. I recommend starting with a tricycle.
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3. Be aware of using overly dramatic language around children
Catastrophizing events or experiences raises the level of anxiety for everyone but especially children who don’t have enough experience to know the difference. When it is raining very hard instead of saying “If this rain keeps up we are going to have to book a seat on the Ark”, you could say something like this “isn’t this storm amazing?”
And then you could look up what causes thunder or teach your kids about counting how far away the thunderclap is after lightening.
We are all guilty of using dramatic language. It gets people’s attention. I’m hungry works just as well as I’m starving. Because my guess is you are hungry, not starving. The cycle of drama is learned.
4. Help them manage their emotions
Emotional management is very important in building resilience. Teach your kids that all emotions are OK. They can be angry at their brother for breaking a toy or disappointed that a friend couldn’t come over and play. Hitting their brother or yelling at a friend is not okay.
And then talk about how they are going to work through those feelings. What happens next? How long are you going to be mad? How can you make sure that your toys don’t get broken? By putting them away. ‘Why’-questions don’t help with problem-solving. For example “Why did you leave your toys out?” The kid is 8 years old, so ‘why’ doesn’t really move you forward.
And we, as parents, have to ride the waves of these emotions and not give in.
Unacceptable behavior is a learned behavior and if it works it continues. So keep the adult temper tantrums in check too.
5. Model resilient behavior
This may be the hardest strategy of all. We are an anxious planet. Life has never been so fast or furious before. We have the most amazing technology at our fingertips but it doesn’t necessarily make life easier.
The World Health Organization estimates that 1 in 13 people suffers from anxiety. In the United States, it is estimated that 18 to 20 percent of all people over the age of 18 suffer from some form of anxiety. Of those only 30 percent get help. If you are finding it hard to cope reach out to a professional.
I grew up in a household where people yelled. Not my parents necessarily but there was a lot of noise and constant hostility and competition. As a parent, I made a conscious effort not to raise my children in a house where people yelled. Part of the reason there was so much noise was because the squeaky wheel got the grease. In other words, the loudest got the most attention. Not the neediest, the noisiest.
I didn’t want it to be that way for my children.
And I don’t blame my parents for anything. That’s part of being an adult. I honestly believe that no one decides to be a bad person or a bad parent. Hopefully we are all doing the best we can with the tools and information we have at the time. Accepting where you came from and succeeding in spite of it is the way forward.
Times have changed
My parents (for the most part) had terrible parenting themselves. There is alcoholism on both sides of my family. It was a generation who lived through the depression and giving their own children a roof over their heads and food on the table was enough to be considered good parenting. So other than one grandmother and some lovely aunts, uncles, and cousins, my parents raised themselves.
Many of us were raised in a toxic environment. I’m not blaming here, I am reporting my observations. Things were not always spoken about and how things looked was always more important than how things actually were. Respect was demanded not earned. Adults use the power of being an adult against a helpless child. It is a situation that plays out in many households and is extremely damaging for the children during childhood and on into their own adult lives.
My parents were married for 49 years and until death did them part. I was divorced when my children were young teenagers. There is no one right way to do things.
So, with a gazillion books and sources and the internet giving you guidelines to be a good parent, how do you know what to do? Having a baby just takes getting pregnant. You may even have attended birthing classes but not any classes to tell you what to do after that. Here’s what I suggest…
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Five useful guidelines to good parenting
1. Have a general idea of what you believe a good parenting style is.
Figure out what kind of things you missed as a child and try to incorporate these things into your family life.
It is a strange thing to talk about before you actually have the little darlings in your mist. Then you spend 0-5 years just trying to get enough sleep and earn a living. It’s hard to remember when you are in a constant state of exhaustion what you decided was your parenting style.
See if any of these statements ring true for you?
A. I want our children to be happy and healthy productive members of society/community
B. I want our children to fulfill their potential and strive to be the best at whatever they do
C. I want our children to make a lot of money and take care of us in our old age
D. I want our family unit to be the most important thing in our children’s lives
E. I want our children to be self-sufficient
F. I want our children to respect us and listen to everything we say because we know everything. (good luck with this one when they learn how to talk)
In a quiet moment have a discussion with your partner about how you would like to parent going forward. That’s the important point here – moving forward. Not blaming or accusing or bringing up an old incident or mistake but simply finding a path that you both agree on and work towards that goal as a family.
If you are a single parent find people in your life that you love and admire to help form the community that your child or children will grow up in. This can be any kind of group. Your neighbors, parents at preschool, your synagogue or church group, the playgroup at the park.
2. Find parenting role models in your friends, family or communities to model behaviors after.
It’s helpful to have someone around to ask questions and watch how they parent their own children. A relationship mentor of sorts. If their children are a bit older than yours that works.
We all have friends who we admire and or envy (a little bit) the relationships they have with their own children. A favorite aunt who has a great rapport with your cousin. Watch what they do, listen to what they say, or how they handle a volatile or stressful situation. Then emulate that scenario in your own life.
3. Kindness and calm are always a choice.
Did I lose my temper as a parent? A couple of times, yes. Was I immediately sorry about it? Yes. Did I learn from it? Yes, I did.
Our spouses push buttons. Our children push our buttons and test our limits and being an involved parent sometimes means you don’t have a lot of goodwill left at the end of the day. This is where taking a deep breath and keeping your voice calm and even when you are exploding inside helps you maintain your parental wits.
When an adult loses their temper with a child, the child wins. Don’t fool yourself that this isn’t a power struggle because it is. Children learn about the world by testing boundaries. It isn’t personal it’s a learning tool.
4. Spanking or no spanking?
Hitting children used to be an acceptable form of punishment. In some households it still is. When you get to a point that you hit your child you have exhausted all the other ways of communicating. Probably just before this moment you should have given yourself a time out. A friend of mine tells a story about his daughter. When she was three years old she hit her younger brother. Her mother hit her and told her to stop hitting her brother. The child responded with a question. “If you didn’t want me to hit my brother why did you hit me?” That stopped my friend cold and she never raised a hand to her children again.
That whole do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do thing doesn’t really work. We are models of behavior for our children. You may say something 1,000 times and it seems like they never hear you. But if you go against something you have said they will see it.
If your child seems particularly violent with their siblings try to find out why they feel like hitting is the answer. Are they being bullied at school? Do they feel powerless or insecure?
And if they are endangering another child this situation should be addressed by a medical professional.
Siblings do fight. My children are two years apart in age and both have very strong personalities. They fought until they were 10 and 12 years old. They bickered more when we traveled. When they were tired or hungry or feeling out of sorts. I should have paid less attention to it. I also should have realized that the one I usually blamed was more often than not blameless.
5. Love your children for who they are not who you want them to be – no comparing.
Some kids walk at 8 months some at 2 years. Some kids talk at 18 months and some don’t talk until they are three. It’s all normal and all okay. Once you have made sure there are no neurological or physiological reasons for them not to walk or talk then let them alone.
If there is a milestone to reach their child reached it earlier than all the other children in the playgroup. How is this helpful to your child? Everyone walks and talks and is potty trained by first grade okay?
Our children are not our second chances at success. They are entitled to their own lives. Many young parents get all caught up in something that should be joyful for a kid and turns into the parent’s whole world. The kids may lose interest or no longer enjoy it and then it becomes a point of contention and puts a huge strain on the family interaction.
It is one thing to be encouraging of a child’s talent or interest. It is quite another to turn it into a hobby, lifestyle, or your business.
Parenting is the hardest job in the world but also the most rewarding. And all of it is on the job training. And once you think you have it down they grow up a little and then all bets are off.
Talk to the people who are in your children’s lives and find people who feel the same way you do about this so precious and important job of parenting.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: What kind of parent do you want to be? What action do you need to take to be that person?
Not exactly. She is traveling with friends in Asia for a few months. She went with no itinerary to speak of and as many of her friends post-army travel she too is taking the big trip. Seeing that part of the world. She is 21 and her room is clean for the first time in years. And empty.
When my son was 18 months old, a bright social little guy, I thought (other people thought) he needed some peer to peer stimulation. I was pregnant with a second child and I took him reluctantly to a very small private playgroup/preschool in a friends house. The separation was impossibly hard for me. The kind women there, after my inability to let my crying child go, had to push me out the door.
I knew my son would be well cared for although he too was upset. Not with the separation, but with my distress. I went back to my car, drove down the street a few houses, stopped, turned the motor off and cried. I only moved on when the need to pee became more acute than my need to be near my son.
We can never completely protect our children
The only time we can completely surround and protect our children, it seems, is before they are born. Once they get out into the world they are exposed to all kinds of things and the separations begin.
My son spent three years in the army cyber division and then went off to Kenya to represent a hi-tech company there. I was terrified. So far out of my comfort zone and realm of influence. I hardly got to take a breath after his army service and then he was off to a foreign country. Where it is not only dangerous to be gay but illegal. I was the only one who thought this might not be the best idea. I kept my terror under control and spoke to him often during his lunch break.
And then there was the day he called to tell me he hurt his arm and my daughter and I picked him up at the airport at 4:00 AM 18 hours later with a broken clavicle that needed surgery and a plate to put his bones back together. Even though he looked terrible when he arrived I was happy to have him back where I could at least take care of him a little.
Three weeks later he went back to Kenya. I wished he didn’t want to go but he had a job to finish. I was proud of him and kept my displeasure mostly to myself.
And so now my daughter is in Asia
Vietnam to be exact. At least I think so. Her army service was spent in a command center in a dangerous area where she traveled to and from in an armored bus. And now, she is seeing Asia with a few girlfriends.
She has sent me WhatsApp Videos from the back of a motorcycle being driven by someone she doesn’t know along a dirt road near a cliff. Last night she sent me a picture of a sleeping bus that she was on with a bunch of other kids going overnight somewhere, not sleeping. At the age of 21, she is an adult with very good judgment and I have to rely on that.
How do we let go?
Realize our children never belonged to us in the first place and they are on loan from the world? No, that doesn’t really work for me. I don’t know the answer to this one but I keep working on it. And when I am missing them, I ask for time.
I make sure my kids know that they always have a place to come home to no matter how old they are or how far away they travel or move.
It is a time for reinvention for many of us. I have become a teacher and a coach, and I have taught by example resilience and hope. I have loved unconditionally and kept my mouth shut most of the time. And when I need a hug from one of my kids I ask for it.
I have a friend whose daughter is also in Asia. She cried all the way home from the airport. And her daughter will probably be home before her two months are up. I think it was more the idea of the trip that intrigued her. Not the actual roughing it, backpacking all over.
Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
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So what do we do?
We smile and laugh and share photos of our daughters, our babies far away but close to our hearts. No, I don’t exactly know where my daughter is but my love and hopes are with her. She wasn’t interested in me having the location app on her phone but it was worth a try.
I think the best we can do is to let our kids know that they are loved as they grow up. Raise them using ample amounts of trust and honesty. Let them know that we want them to be happy, kind and do good things because we know they are capable of it.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: Do you know where your children are? How do you cope?
I heard a comedian say recently that “to be a great Dad you have to be an okay Mom.” It’s funny, right? It’s also outdated. For all the Moms who did it all, it’s a nice validation. For many of the young men with families I teach and counsel in my practice, it’s a daily struggle.
Working, being a spouse, extended family commitments, and putting endless energy into raising children, doesn’t leave a young Dad much time to do anything else. They are suffering silently for their diligence. Everyone needs friends but, for those with overfull lives, it’s hard to make or take the time. In many of their minds the “time off” can’t be justified. Guilt is a common response. I’m not saying that Mom doesn’t feel this too, I’m just dedicating this one to the Dads trying to balance it all as well.
We all need friends
After high school or college, we find it harder and harder to connect with people. Our world may be technologically connected but at the huge cost of isolation for many. People have lost the ability to read social cues and interact in a way that opens up the possibility of friendship and camaraderie. The fear of embarrassment and rejection is real, and we feel lonely.
These are my observations and not based on anything scientific but women tend to bond more easily and anywhere. Over children, at work, in line getting coffee and make the time to keep friendships vital. So why can’t men do the same?
Anthropologically men communicate even with someone new, in a hierarchy of power. Which one of them is higher up the food chain. It’s a tough position from which to make friends. Some men may feel they are ‘better-than’ but mostly, men wonder if they are the less-than.
They should be speaking about money, women, and drinks but those men are harder to find. Most modern men want to spend free time on the floor playing legos, Barbie, or whatever game their child invented that day.
Women communicate to make a connection. To see what they have in common. This tends to lead to more chances to connect.
Get out
If your buddies aren’t coupled up or if they are child-free and your life is all about the little people in your life, it may be hard to find common ground. Also, young fathers feel tremendous guilt spending time with friends instead of being home or doing their share of childcare.
Date night is always a great idea. You shouldn’t feel guilty for going out one night. It is a wonderful opportunity if you and your life partner have some time outside the house to relax and have fun. Although it doesn’t really fill the space of having a friend outside your family unit, it’s someone to commiserate with and share challenges and fears and have a laugh.
Men tend to require an activity to be with other men. Something else to focus on so they won’t be seen as weak or girly. Playing sports, watching sports, and talking about sports might work for some guys. But not all. If you are not into sports you might need to find some other common ground.
I know about a men’s book group that gets together once a month. Pretty sure none of the guys ever read the book. Maybe one guy, the rest kick back with a beer and talk about nothing in particular. It is a safe place to decompress and having a book. Even if you don’t get around to reading it is a shared positive experience.
So, what should young fathers do to connect to other young father’s or men in general?
1. Come up with a game plan.
Pun intended.
Figure out an activity that is non-threatening and invite some guys.
A paint party where you actually paint something that needs to be painted! The family room? The garage? Teach them your standard dish for last minute dinners. An activity to literally break the ice. Everyone feels awkward and embarrassed in an unfamiliar environment. Make the first move. Shake somebody’s hand and introduce yourself. He will probably thank you and be relieved.
2. Attend an event in your community.
Immediate commonality.
Charity drives are good. You and the guy or guys could gather donations of clothes or blankets or canned food. It gives you an activity to bond over and help people in need. Also, offer to drive when someone is collecting something. It gives you something to do and an important role.
3. Volunteer at your place of worship.
Join one, or just go visit.
Having a spiritual connection to something once a week or a month helps to organize your life and add meaning. There are bible studies in any bible you want. Bring cookies to the men’s group meeting. That makes you immediately the most popular guy in the room.
4. Reach out to old friends.
It couldn’t be easier now with all our social media. Find a buddy from college you were close to and reconnect with them. It’s good to be reminded of what you were like before adulthood. A lot of the world is snowed in at the moment so use the time to find someone you have lost touch with. Facebook, LinkedIn, or Google them. It’s not hard to search for an old friend.
5. Try a new hobby.
And follow up with someone you meet.
Make the effort. Step out of your comfort zone. Start small. A workshop, a couple of hours on a Tuesday evening. Haven’t you always wanted to rock climb? Learn about wine? How about taking a course at your local community center or college. I’m sure you can get a catalog online easily. No online courses though, that’s another issue.
And let me know how it goes. If you need a little more encouragement or help with a game plan sign up for a discovery call with me. It’s a perfect time to make a new friend or connect with an old one. You will be blessed tenfold. Now get out there and connect. And remember this: You are a good Dad.
It’s that time of year again. Time to celebrate the holiday that lines the pockets of card companies, florists, over-priced (and overcrowded!) restaurants, and chocolatiers.
It’s also the time of year when you can start to feel that being alone (even if you were happy the day before) sucks because someone tells you it does. I always spend time with my clients reviewing their social status this time of year. Assuring themselves that they are as relevant on the 14th, just as they were on the 13th.
Here are my five favorite strategies for being my own Valentine when February 14th rolls around.
1. Buy your own flowers
Why do you need someone else to give you overpriced flowers on a random day? Buy yourself roses or tulips or the first daffodils of spring TODAY. They will last a week or two in the cold weather and you can smile every time you see them and congratulate yourself on your good taste.
2. Book a massage
Beauty schools and massage schools have lower prices and aim to please. It’s a splurge but it’s a well-known fact that human touch is very therapeutic, physically and emotionally. If it’s too much of a financial commitment, try a head and neck massage or a mani/pedi. Yes, you too, guys (get those gnarly toenails sorted out)! There’s nothing like soaking your feet in a warm tub of water, getting rid of that dead winter skin, and a pleasant foot massage. Mini vacation anyone?
Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
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3. Write yourself a love note
I’m serious here. It doesn’t have to be a script. Or a sonnet. Or even a Novella. Pick a few words that describe you. Funny, loyal, fragile, loving, survivor, vivacious…. Got it? Find a quote or poem that speaks to your soul and post it everywhere. It can be something your mother said to you. Or a favorite teacher. Your first girlfriend. Best friend. Or something that makes you laugh out loud.
“You look marvelous.”
“Your cat loves you.”
“Best daughter ever.”
“Your eyes are clear and bright.”
“You make my day.”
A few little words to make you smile. You can use red paper and cut it into the shape of a heart if you want. Or not.
4. Romance yourself
You heard me. This is the time for a guilty pleasure. If you want to clean the house naked, great. Want to splurge on those shoes you’ve been eyeing? Go for it! If you want to buy yourself a sex toy, do that. Order a combination sushi platter just for yourself. Light a candle, use the good china, reserve your favorite movie on Netflix, or go out to a new movie no one else wants to see and bring popcorn from home. When those lights go down, no one knows you came alone. Plan an evening or an hour just for yourself. Try yoga. It’s one night. Don’t take it too seriously. You are awesome whether you’re in a relationship or not.
5. Feeling lonely?
You don’t have to be alone if you don’t want to be. Some people thrive on solitude, and others don’t. Close the computer or your phone text app and actually go out and see some real people. If you have a friend or family member nearby, that works. Or make a date with a coworker or an interesting acquaintance. I’m crazy about babies and I have often offered to babysit for new parents so they can have a night out or just cuddle in and go to sleep early. Consider donating your time to a charity — your thoughtfulness and time will be welcome.
And in the end, remember this: it’s just one day. Chocolate should be part of it unless you are allergic (insert treat of choice here). Choose to feel good and you will feel good!
Now over to you: which of these strategies will you be implementing this year? What’s your favorite Valentine’s Day self-love formula?
