Category: Blog

Grief and kindness and three good things

In the last few weeks, I have been in touch with friends and counseled clients who have all lost quite elderly parents after long illnesses. I have watched and listened and supported as they have flown back and forth to be with their loved ones knowing that the end is near.

Day-to-day life changes as you listen for that phone, text, or email that will call you back to say goodbye for the last time. It is a strange limbo-like existence with missed emotions and overwhelming sadness.

It is hard to watch one of the first strong and vital influences in your life get old and frail and change places as that person is the one being cared for now. I have written about the sandwich generation before and the challenges both emotional and financial caring for young children and an ailing parent. It sucks.

Although it is difficult not to dwell on the indignities of illness and old age, I urge you to keep in your mind three moments or events that were positive and took place before the inevitable loss of the battle against time. It might be a hard task if the person you are mourning was unloving or unsupported, or if that person damaged you in any way.

We are in charge of our own memories

We can be haunted by them. Or comforted. Many of the clients I work with can’t let go of hurtful or painful of damaging things that have happened to them. Part of my practice is to talk about these things until they no longer have a hold and can let them go.

Work at trying to make those memories not of the illness or loss but of the part people played in our lives. My mother died half my children’s lifetime ago. And yet, to me, the loss will always be fresh. I think about her a lot. Wonder how she would handle something. And know exactly what she would say. And know that she would be proud of me. I try to live by her example of seeing the best in people and leaving the world a better place for having been. She taught me numerous and valuable lessons by example rather than telling. And I keep alive in the memories of people who loved her.

Sometimes, when the pain gets too great, we put pictures or keepsakes away. We encapsulate the wound. We don’t talk about the person who has died. Or we pretend the terrible times we had with them didn’t happen. The reverence almost erases the memory. To be angry with someone who can no longer hurt you is to turn that anger inward and that never has a good outcome.

So what do we do?

Use the time you have with someone to tell them how you feel. Say whatever needs to be said. Some things can never be forgiven, so forgive yourself. And try to let the guilt and anger go. Just because you are related to someone doesn’t mean you need to have them in your life. Especially not if they are toxic to you. Or you feel they would be harmful to your children.

If you can remember just three good things, even small events or interactions with the person you lost, then it is easier to move on. (Tweet it!)

A hug, a smile, a shared pleasant experience. As little as that. Something to hold on to that is positive rather than dwelling on the negative. Or trying to hold on to the fiction that they were good people.

I know parents who do not speak to their children. And children who have chosen not to speak to their parents. Only you can decide which relationships are worth nurturing and which are the ones you need to let go.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

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Forgiveness

And if you or your relations get to the end of life, will you feel guilty for your decision or relieved? Forgiveness is often not for someone else but for yourself so you can go on and live your best life possible.

Our relationships with other people are the core of our existence. We need to try to let the guilt go if the relationship ends. Relationships work until you are no longer served by the interactions. In simple terms, some people always take, and you as an adult get to decide where to draw the line.

In Judaism, there is a practice that once a year between our holiest holidays where we can ask the forgiveness of someone we have wronged three times. If they do not accept it, God forgives us, and in this, we begin to forgive ourselves. This is my interpretation of course but every major religion has a way to deal with forgiveness.

Forgiveness, like therapy, is for the person seeking it more than for the one who needs to be forgiven. When someone says or does something that injures you in some way, you are the one who carries that hurt around. People can be (and are) mean and messy and thoughtless. We all have to decide how much of this behavior to let into our lives. And to forgive ourselves for our own imperfections.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: Do you hold a grudge against someone or something? How can you let it go?

Have we lost the ability to cope?

Have you found yourself lately reacting immediately to things in your environment? Do you yell at other drivers on the road from the safe and soundproof comfort of your own car? Maybe you turn around and snap at someone for trying to repeatedly get your attention? Do you send back an angry or aggressive tweet, snapchat or email without really reading or thinking about the content of the whole thing?

What happens if you try to hold off on reacting immediately? What if you just take a breath and calm down a little before firing something back? (Tweet it!)

We are constantly on

The problem as I see it is that the world is wired now to immediately react to every little thing. Texting, Snapchat, Instagram, WhatsApp, Facebook Messenger all arriving immediately to your phone will bells, buzzing, lights or a signal, and we all respond like Pavlov’s dog. It’s set up that way. It may be partly fear of missing out (FOMO). It also becomes a habit, keeping you from really concentrating on anything else.

Do you watch reality television? It’s not reality. It’s our most basic emotions scripted for the entertainment of the masses. Some people feel better about themselves when they compare their lives to someone losing their shit on tv. Screaming in someone else’s face or throwing glasses or slamming doors may have raised our tolerance for bad behavior.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

A much less dramatic example I deal with continually as a college professor, coach, and counselor is an entire generation of 20 somethings who react to everything like a ten on a ten scale. It’s like a wave of adolescent fury. These are smart, reasonable human beings who have no ability not to overreact and dramatize everything that happens to them that isn’t completely positive. In my coaching with my clients, we prepare for scenarios, unpack our past, and remain aware of our present.

Most of the time I let it wash over me like a wave. I try to use humor and patience and get them to think about what they are saying and doing.

We don’t live in a very civilized world right now

Unfortunately.

Many times the first reactions of people who should be examples to our society react quite publically in a way that resembles a temper tantrum. A tantrum you wouldn’t expect from a five-year-old.

When did we lose the ability to have polite, respectful discourse? When did a difference of opinion require harsh words and slamming the other person into submitting to our way of thinking?

Have we completely lost our ability to cope?

And to understand when something is important enough to react strongly?

In my inbox this week, I received a worksheet about coping from Therapistaid.com. One of the things I found particularly interesting was their section on triggers. And how important it is to recognize our own triggers.

We have all used the phrase “he really pushes my buttons.” But usually we reserve this for people who know us well. Are we as people getting our buttons so to speak pushed all the time?

Do you get red in the face? Clench your fists? Do you yell? Is your blood pressure spiking? Pay attention… Your body is telling you something. Your ability to calm yourself is good for your health.

I thought a lot about that this week. Triggers that seem to light us up and become emotional and somewhat irrational beings.

So what do we do?

We learn to recognize these buttons or triggers for ourselves.

Here are 5 strategies to help us keep our cool. And react to the actual situation or information stream without reverting to our fight or flight caveman past.

I had an aunt who was very wise. She used to say “don’t fret about it if it isn’t going to make any difference in five years”. As a young person, I couldn’t understand what she was trying to say to me. Over time I have realized that she was right. So many of the ditzy little details of our lives wind us up. It’s time to unwind them.

1. The only thing that we can control is how we react.

To anything and everything.

Are you stuck in an endless cycle of drama and trauma? Is someone in your life who constantly bring you down? Are combative or hostile? Deal with their own lives like a constant state of upheaval?

If you find this kind of interaction exhausting, you are not alone. Some people invite or perpetuate drama in their lives and go from very high to very low and want all the people around them to join in their own personal reality show.

2. What level of importance is the message?

Is it life or death? Career ending? Relationship ending? Is the sky falling?

Will it matter in 5 years? 5 months? Or 5 minutes? This is the point to prioritize your interactions and communications. Take a breath or take a walk. Turn your phone off or at least on silent. If it’s important enough, people know how to get ahold of you.

Research has shown that dividing your attention makes you less productive. It also makes you less able to concentrate on even the simplest task.

Don’t you owe to yourself to do the best you can at work and at home and in school? Minimize the distractions.

3. Check in with yourself.

Is this a behavior pattern or just today? Are you having a challenging day? Is everything going to irritate you no matter what?

If so, when responding or reacting to things and people in your environment today, take it easy. Conserve your own energy when you might be feeling low.

Try the teflon approach and let everything slide off. Wrap yourself in a non-stick coating of calm and understand that not feeling great, or not getting enough sleep, or being hungry, or having a disagreement with a loved one is a temporary situation. It will pass. Try not to internalize anything until it does pass.

4. Time outs are not just for children anymore.

If a situation is getting heated take a moment. Diffuse the situation and walk away. Just as strong emotions can boil up, we can get some distance and take some time to decide how we want to respond or react.

My friend and mentor, Sam Bennett, suggests you make five-minute art about what you are feeling. It doesn’t matter if you draw stick people or sing jingles or write in a journal. It takes you out of that tense moment and gives you time to assess what you really want to say or do.

This is the time to put down the phone. Close the email or Facebook or whatever provoked you and take a time out. When you are calm or calmer you can revisit the situation or communication. After you think a little bit how you would really like to handle it.

5. Get some help to clarify your feeling.

Overreacting isn’t a healthy lifestyle choice. Keep that adrenaline for the important stuff.

Call a friend and get their perspective. Get some counseling.

Check in with a colleague and use them as a sounding board for whatever has gotten your back up. Their view may help you bring clarity to your situation.

We have all been in situations where we need to react quickly and efficiently. Where raising your heart rate and blood pressure is a good thing. But not all the time. And not every day.

If you are not coping and everything is a huge deal or you are angry all the time you might need to tune up your coping skills.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: When was the last time you got angry? How did you cope?

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5 strategies to help you be a more self-confident parent

Being a parent is the most difficult and most rewarding job you will ever have. Having children is a perfect way to totally change your lifestyle and to feel overwhelmed all the time.

In my practice, I see worn out, overworked parents under huge pressure from all parts of their lives. We as people and parents need to have some down time to regroup, recover, and continue.

Below are five strategies to help you be a calmer, more peaceful and self-confident parent.

It is vital to talk to your spouse, partner, and other caregivers. You should discuss your basic styles of care and discipline to ensure fewer misunderstandings or blaming each other when stressors appear.

1. Everyone needs a little help now and then. Don’t be afraid to ask for it.

Babysitters can be expensive. And family members are not always around. Even if they are, they may not be available or even interested in helping out. So build a network of people who are nearby to take the pressure off when you need some adult time. Trading time with friends who have kids similar ages is a good way to keep the cost of childcare down. Spending time with your partner or on your own is important.

2. Everyone needs time off now and then. Plan for it and make it count.

Even an hour a week can upgrade your peace of mind if you do something you really look forward to and enjoy. A yoga class for instance? A beer with a friend? Trying out that new vegan food truck downtown with your significant other? There are many things as parents that we sacrifice. Our mental health and wellbeing shouldn’t be one of them. After a bit of me time, we are all better able to cope with the stresses in our lives. Everyone needs a time out and time to play.

3. Perfection is a goal that will only make you miserable. Let it go.

No one is a perfect parent. There are no perfect children. There, I said it. We get mad or feel overwhelmed. Making a concerted effort to be the best you can is all we can expect. Like all relationships, sometimes we learn from trial and error. Having little children choose their own bedtime, for example, isn’t good for anyone. Sometimes our children don’t like the rules we set or the things we ask. And that is fine. We are not meant to be their friends. Children need boundaries and that makes us parents unpopular.

4. Everyone has advice on how you should raise your children. You don’t have to take it or listen. 

Free advice is worth exactly that: Nothing. Moreover, advice often comes with an investment or a point of view that may not be in your or your children’s best interest. Saying thank you and ignoring unsolicited advice is an acceptable way to handle these kinds of situations.

Find people who have similar parenting style to you and your partner. No comparing is allowed because each child grows and develops at their own rate. As long as you have checked everything out medically and your child is healthy, then let them be. People lie. Or they don’t remember exactly when their children did what. So don’t listen. Children will walk and talk and be potty trained before first grade. Some sooner and some later. But comparing only produces anxiety, which children feel. One of the best things we can do for our children is to love and support them. Help them develop by taking the pressure off.

5. Trust your intuition. 

The yardstick by which people measure if a child is sick or not should be your own. It’s no one else’s business except for your doctor and other trusted advisors. Remember you know your child better than anyone else does. By the time your child is 10, they will have contracted 100 viruses. One of the best indicators of how sick a child is is their temperature and then their temperament.

Some of those viruses will need to be treated with medication, some of them will not. So learn the signs of illness from your own child. Often children misbehave or throw tantrums when they are not feeling well. Depending on their age and communication ability, they may not be able to tell you they are ill. So watch for the signs and have a working thermometer handy.

Immunize your children. We are seeing an increase in diseases that, until recently, had almost entirely been eradicated. Have belief in your own abilities to nurture your children.

A lot of being a parent is showing up and paying attention. Making sure your child feels love even when one of you is angry. (Tweet it!)

No one likes to be criticized or to feel that someone they love is being critical. You can say something one hundred times, showing your child kindness and compassion by example can be more powerful.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

You are a good parent. The only way to know that is by looking inward. Every parent struggles. And if someone tells you that things are always fine, they are lying. Parenting is hard but it makes you appreciate the little things, even if that little thing is locking yourself in the bathroom with a cup of coffee. Or a hug when you need it the most. And so do they.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What do you think is the hardest and best part about being a parent?

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Exercise and environment: Overcoming insomnia after a loved one passes

The following blog post is a guest blog post by Sara Bailey, founder of Thewidow.net“If you’ve suffered the loss of someone close to you, you know how profoundly impactful such a loss can be. You also know it takes time to heal, time to regain your strength and the will to carry on. One of the best ways to regain physical and mental strength is to get the sleep you need, at least 7 to 9 hours a night, which is far easier said than done when you’re bereaved.

Insomnia is frequently a symptom of grief, and overcoming it can be extremely difficult because you’re coping with tremendous feelings of loss, isolation, depression and even guilt. Overcoming insomnia can be difficult, but there are techniques that can help relax the body and keep your mind from racing.

Exercise

One of the best ways to get to sleep at night is to do plenty of exercise during the day. The idea is to tire yourself out so sleep is inevitable, and you can get back into a normal pattern of sleeping and waking. Take care not to overdo it and risk injury. It doesn’t make sense to start doing exercises you’ve never tried before, so stick with walking or hiking to get your heartbeat up and get plenty of sunlight, which will help restore a natural sleep pattern. Try to get at least 30 minutes of exercise every day, but avoid doing so after 7 p.m. and avoid caffeine and other stimulants at night.

Establish a sleep-conducive space

Make sure your bedroom is only used for sleep and storing your clothes. If you’re accustomed to watching television in the bedroom, consider removing it and any other electronic devices with screens, which emit a form of blue light that will trick the brain into thinking it’s daylight and time to get up. Clear out the clutter, remove any objects that exacerbate your depression, and make sure the space is completely dark with a temperature setting of no higher than 68 degrees. Add some scented candles (nothing too overpowering, though), and consider repainting the walls a soothing pastel or earth tone shade (stay away from bright red and sunshine yellow) to give you a fresh start in a room you shared with a loved one for years.

Bodywork

If you need to find a way to relax your body, consider getting a massage on a regular basis or learning yoga, a mental/physical discipline that relaxes the muscles and makes a healing mind-body connection. Some people overcome sleep deprivation through acupuncture, an ancient therapy that uses tiny needles to stimulate nerves and relax muscles.

Wind-down time

One of the mistakes insomniacs often make is to hop right in bed and expect to fall asleep. This haphazard approach often makes the situation worse, and you may lie there staring at the ceiling wondering why sleep doesn’t come. Instead, take a different approach… Start winding down about a half-hour before bedtime by doing some deep-breathing exercises or meditation – some sort of activity that helps calm your thoughts and allows tightened muscles to start unkinking.

Remember, the idea is to avoid tossing and turning at all costs. Some people have success taking a hot bath or shower before going to bed, which elevates the heart rate and then slows it down after you get out and start cooling off.

Good gadgets

There are a number of ways technology can help you get to sleep. For less than $20, you can get an LED Sleep-Enhancing Light, or find a Dodow, a metronome with a light system that makes you sleepy, for about $60. There are many kinds of therapeutic pillows that enhance your comfort as well. Avoid leaving the TV on all night thinking the background noise will do the trick – it’s much more likely to keep you awake.

Sleep deprivation is a common response to grief. Your mind has a lot to process, and it takes time to find effective coping strategies. Exercise and a healthy sleep environment are your best assets during this difficult time and can help you wind down in a natural way.”

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: Have you ever suffered from sleep deprivation due to grief?

And if you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

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New Year’s was never my favorite holiday

New Year’s Eve has never been my favorite holiday. So much expectation for night to change to day. Not sure what the big fuss is about. Unless we are changing centuries then that’s more of a big deal. Although, I seem to remember there was tremendous hype about Y2K and our technology not being able to handle the change to 2000, and the warning of the world ending. That thankfully fizzled down to nothing much. And the new century came in pretty quietly.

I remember when I was younger and it seemed very important to be somewhere at the stroke of midnight. To have someone to kiss when the clock struck midnight. Not someone special, just someone, anyone. The thought struck me as backwards.

Why would you want to begin a bright shiny new year tainted by playing tonsil hockey with someone you didn’t care about? Yuck.(Tweet it!)

And as for resolutions, I am not going to make any. I resolved a long time ago to be the best person I can all the time. Not just in the month of January. To be true to myself. My ex-husband and I got divorced because we didn’t bring out the best in one another. We had different plans for our lives. I could never be the person he wanted me to be or thought I was. So now we try to be the best parents we can together. We try to be friends who actually care about one another despite the pressures to the contrary.

My journey continues

To be of help and service to the people I love. In making my living, I want to contribute in a positive way to the world around me, whether through my coaching services, teaching, or sharing my thoughts communicating through this blog in an honest way. I want to make amends when I have hurt or wronged someone and to leave the world a better place for having been here. I try not to be cynical even in a world gone mad.

The ten pounds I lose or not isn’t going to make much difference globally. The time and money I contribute to charity might in some small way. The example I set for my children is a challenge but a reminder that we are all human. And most of the time, people are doing the best they can with the information they have and the resources that are available to them at the time.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

Last year, I was with a dear friend dancing in her new home when the new year arrived. We blasted the music we like and drank good red wine. Champagne is delicious and can cause headaches. Our children had their own plans. Our dancing and singing and general merriment embarrasses them. We drank to the New Year and the power of friendship. We raised a glass to the people we have lost, and to the bitter-sweetness of the future. The men in our lives are invited, but they don’t dance. And that’s okay. We kissed them later.

And what will the new year bring?

I am going to chose cautious optimism at the resiliency of human beings. And that more people move toward light than darkness. What are you going to choose?

Be kind to yourself.

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How to know when it’s time to break up with a friend

Friendships are an integral part of our lives going back to the first friends we had living in the same house, our siblings. Or maybe cousins or other people like the friends of our parents that came across our paths. Later, it would be the other children at pre-school. The ones we learned to take or share toys with. Push, bite, hug, chase around the playground. We practiced how to interact with other human beings.

Some of us are lucky enough to still be in contact with our friends from kindergarten (yeah Facebook), kids from the neighborhood, youth groups or summer camp. Sometimes, we make friends from grade school, junior high school, high school, or college. Perhaps work friends or people with hobbies in common or professional groups.

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog post about reconnecting with old friends. Especially this time of year. Now let’s talk about the flip side of that same coin…

When to break up with a friend.

People move in and out of our lives all the time. The challenge is to know which friends to let go of and which to keep. Relationships can be nurturing and loving or harmful and toxic. Let’s not forget all the gray areas in between. Being with people can lift you up or bring you down. Dynamics can change and jealousy or circumstances can bring you together or pull you apart. I talk about this a lot with clients during coaching sessions.

It can be an event that makes you closer or divides you. There have been a few times that I have been unable to continue a friendship because an act that is so thoughtless hurt me to my core. The friendship wasn’t new. It was strong and deep and a decade long. We had shared many meals and events and our children grew up together. I had been generous with my time and limited resources. There was a lot of love. Early morning airport pickups and hospital runs. Hugs and laughter.

Then over an event my partner’s kids and I were invited to, I participated in the pre-event festivities. It was a lovely event. The day after, I was told by text in no uncertain terms that I had not given enough money.

I was humiliated and heartbroken and hurt to the core.

I wrote a check I couldn’t afford. Then I questioned a few people who maybe knew better than I did about the etiquette of the situation. One person after another agreed with me. My partner was angry and upset for me.

A few weeks later, I visited their home and we talked about the incident. And said some of the right things but I continued to feel so bad and so hurt that I couldn’t continue the relationship with the same generous open spirit. The friendship has never been the same. Sometimes, it’s one event. Sometimes it’s an erosion or an unevenness in participation.

And we need to keep ourselves safe emotionally, even from people that we care about and call friends. (Tweet it!)

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

So how to tell when it’s time to break up with a friend?

5 simple rules:

1. When jokes or comments are constantly made at your expense.

Or you are embarrassed in public. And the phrase just kidding keeps being said. It is often a passive-aggressive situation. This isn’t a friend but someone who uses you as a human comic punching bag putting you down to make themselves feel better.

2. They are undependable.

Forgetting important events or plans. Doesn’t make you a priority or continually makes other plans even after you have confirmed a date or get together. Sorry, I’m double booked. Everyone is busy and your time is equally important. If you feel you are being taken for granted you probably are.

3. Someone you feel like you have to chase to get in touch with them.

You are always calling and always making plans. If you didn’t you would never see them at all. There are friendships that you value and this might be the price but you have to decide if reciprocity is important to you or not. If it doesn’t bother or worry you then don’t count this person out if you enjoy their company in spite of being the plans maker all the time.

4. Someone who is completely self-centered.

Or self-focused and only uses you as a sounding board or to complain to or dump on. Yes, we all have difficult times when things are all about us but it can’t be that way all the time. Friendship should be a give and take, not a take and take and take.

5. Do you feel supported by your friends?

Do they make you feel good to be with them? And do they tell you the truth and have your back? Or do you feel like you have to defend yourself and be guarded about what you tell them? It’s all about trust. When you invest yourself in another human being you need to know there is a level of trust. If not, they are not good for you.

A good rule to remember is that a friend keeps your secrets, they see you and take your side and tell you the truth. You feel better when you talk to them and spend time with them. They are not a burden but a blessing.

This year give yourself the gift of people who lift you up and not bring you down. To have good friends you have to be a good friend. If you find you need a little extra help, reach out.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: Do you have any friendships that might not lift you up anymore? Is it time to break up with that friend?

breakup friendship

Reach out and reconnect with someone

In my classroom last week we had a discussion about the good and bad sides of texting. One of my students wrote a paragraph about the differences between how we used to communicate and how we communicate now. Her essay was funny and ironic. She wrote simply and clearly about how she communicated when she was a kid. If she wanted to hang out with a friend, she walked out her front door and walked down the street and to a neighbors house and asked if her friend could come out and play. I laughed. It was so simple. So timeless. And in today’s world so unusual.

Although this student is a 20 something, it reminded me of my own childhood. When I would walk the two blocks to my friends house, back when the home phone was the center of all outside communication. I distinctly remember a series of AT&T commercials with the tagline Reach Out and Touch Someone. They were especially prevalent during the holiday season. Some of my clients struggle to find a way to connect with someone they have been out of touch with. They forget how soothing and reassuring the human voice can be.

Back in the days

Long before cell phones and text messages when people actually used the home phone to talk to people. The advertising spots were like little movies of life with the express purpose of getting people to pick up the phone and call someone far away. Long distance was expensive then and my guess is they were very successful. Ma Bell (as it was called then) was the largest phone company in America and didn’t break up until legally mandated to in 1982.

My point here is not to give you a history lesson about the monopoly of the American phone company. It is to share the message that this is the perfect time to reach out to someone you haven’t been in touch with for a long time.

Through social media and texts and Whatsapp and Snapchat it’s never been easier to reach people. And yet, this time of year, the holiday season often leaves people feeling alone and lonely.

Relationships are everything, and no matter how much time has gone by an old friend will always be happy to hear from you. (Tweet it!)

I reconnected with someone

In the last couple of years, I have reconnected with a few people that I thought were lost from my life forever. All it took was an email and a shout out from LinkedIn. One of these folks became a client and the other an email penpal sharing pictures and memories from thirty years ago. I didn’t initiate either of these contacts so I was lucky. But I did accept them in the spirit they were offered.

One of my roles as an Educator and Emotional Wellness Coach is to help people move forward when they get stuck. In that spirit I studied and received a Certificate in Positive Psychology from University of Pennsylvania this past summer. I didn’t make up the title it was suggested as part of a lecture about the future of psychology.

As a practice, I don’t go back into people’s childhoods and break open every trauma and then help deal with each trauma. We deal with the here and now and through common sense and goal setting we try to bring people through to the other side of their personal struggle.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

Are we isolating ourselves?

One of the things I see again and again in my practice is people isolating themselves from other people. And in this holiday season of light and love I want to suggest you reach out to someone who was important to you that you may have lost along the way. A grade school friend, a college roommate, an old neighbor. People who knew you at a different time in your life would probably be thrilled to be contacted.

For all our technology and immediate gratification we have somehow lost the ability to just reach out. Our circles have become smaller. The people around us don’t get a second glance as we are so busy with our screens and sharing. YouTube videos and screenshots and emoji’s and other nonsense, I believe, are allowing us to lose the ability to have real face to face interpersonal communication. Oh, and this may come as a shock to some of you, but emjoi’s are not emotions. They are a clever way to get you to spend more time on the phone and less time actually communicating.

So here is my challenge to you for this holiday season

Reach out and touch someone (not in a creepy #metoo kind of way) but actually reach out to someone you miss or have lost contact with or would like to be back in communication with. If geography is an issue then try Zoom or Skype or Facetime.

I often hear the refrain from people who are stuck or sad and are going through a bad time that they don’t have any friends. I don’t believe that. Make communication real again by having real communication. If you want good friends, be a good friend. Those goes for family members as well. I don’t mean you need to talk to all of your family all the time. How about a favorite cousin? Don’t rely on family get togethers to stay in contact. Drop an email, FB Messenger, text, Whatsapp or make an old fashioned reach-out-and-touch-someone phone call.

There are approximately 7.7 billion people on this planet. It doesn’t seem like such a stretch to find one or two of these people to be in touch with. It might be a bit frightening at first but think about how great it would be to reconnect with someone you care about?

Reach out and touch someone. Let me know how it works out.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: Who will you be reaching out to?

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The season of consumerism and retail therapy

My inbox is full of Black Friday offers and Cyber Monday deals and the countdown for shopping days until Xmas. My phone has 50 text messages about last minute deals and steals, and I didn’t sign up for any of these notices. What’s going on? Oh right it’s the season of consumerism. Gift giving pressure and holiday hype has begun.

I heard a statistic recently on the news that every adult in America will spend at least $1,000.00 on gifts this holiday season. That seems like a lot of money especially in these uncertain times. Watching the stock market return to it’s 2016 level speaks to some consumer concern.

So why do we continue shopping?

Cari Romm wrote an article in The Cut for New York Magazine a couple years ago about three ways people deal with being in a “funk”, eating our way to feeling better, venting our way to feeling better or shopping our way ie retail therapying our way to feeling better… Romm goes on to say how the comfort provided is temporary at best followed by the shock and guilt when the bill arrives. As I see with my coaching clients, for anyone going through a hard period in their life, this certainly doesn’t help.

I was introduced to the term retail therapy by my friend H when I lived in San Francisco. This was pre-internet shopping and the height of catalog purchasing. It was pretty cool to be able to flip through a glossy magazine and get the style number of anything you wanted and have it delivered within a matter of days. For more immediate gratification, we also lived very close to Union Square full of flagship stores and some of the most fabulous retail shops in the world.

Neither one of us had tons of money, or much at all to spend but a tiny bag with a small purchase wrapped beautifully in a box with tissue paper in a jewel colored box and a big bow like a present was a good soothing pick me up for awhile.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

What’s the big deal about shoes?

It’s a remarkable phenomenon to see something you like, buy it and then it’s yours. I think that’s why women like shoe shopping so much. Our size never changes unlike every other part of our bodies. And as a friend and mentor of mine always says “good shoes are the way to make an outfit.” Shoes are wrapped in a box, lined with tissue paper and put into a bag so they can be taken home and unwrapped and admired at leisure.

As the head present buyer for my family (my mother also had me try on clothes when she didn’t feel like getting undressed in the dressing room) I have sometimes felt like I passed by the whole gift receiving thing because I was busy being the procurement specialist for the rest of the family.

One birthday gift I remember in particular

My sister and I had gone shoe shopping. Going shoe shopping wasn’t unusual. We wear the same size. She found an adorable pair of sandals for me as this has always been an issue with my “grandmother’s feet”. The problem was that they were sold out company wide. They had a size too small and one too big and nothing in our size. Too bad. I was disappointed but they were just shoes.

We were at a bar a fancy bar later that week to celebrate my birthday. We were drinking bright purple cocktails and having a lovely time when she pulled out from under the table a huge bag. I was puzzled and thrilled and hadn’t seen her bring it in with us. I opened the elaborately wrapped box inside. It was the pair of the sandals I wanted that were sold out of. I started to laugh feeling very pleased when she handed me another big box wrapped in bright paper. I opened the box inside and inside was a second pair of the same sandals. We started laughing so hard we couldn’t really explain between gasps why we were laughing.

Our waiter came over with a look of alarm on his face. “It’s a shoe thing” I finally got out of my mouth before wiping the tears from face and laughing even harder. Our waiter shook his head smiling and walked back to the kitchen which only made us laugh more.

It wasn’t the shoes it was that she had found not one but two pairs knowing I had wanted them. I don’t even remember what they looked like I do remember that evening though.

My point here?

Gift giving shouldn’t be about the things. It should be about the people we love and the experiences and time we get to share with them. (Tweet it!)

So this holiday season, be mindful of the gifts and give of yourself instead of buying something under spending pressure. A gift certificate for a home cooked meal is always a good gift. Especially if you have had a baby or an illness or just can’t face another take out menu.

Tickets to the movies or a ball game to take a friend or loved one out for an evening are something more precious than things are. The moments and memories we get to share with the people we care about are what’s really important. And time is the most precious gift of all.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What is the best present you have ever received, and what made this one so special?

consumerism holiday season shopping

You get by with a little help from your friends

You know how some weeks just suck? Really suck and you can’t wait for them to be over?

And even though you know you are blessed and you count those blessings it just doesn’t seem to be quite enough?

Well for a lot of reasons I have had a week like that. I seem to have a seasonal headache that doesn’t go away. Don’t feel quite like myself. I feel a bit like I’m sleepwalking through my life.

The senior educators where I work are on strike and they are all dedicated professionals who want to have better conditions and are being marginalized by the government. And we all talk about needing more resources put towards education but it seems like just another empty political promise.

No, I didn’t cross picket lines. My union was on strike a few weeks ago. We ended the strike thinking there would be negotiations. So far it’s just talk.

So many bad things are happening

The wildfires that continue to rage in California are heartbreaking to watch. I lived in both Southern and Northern California for years and my heart goes out to all the people affected by this tragedy. It looks like the end of days.

And children are still separated from their parents at the southern border of the United States, and a country full of immigrants is grappling with closing borders and keeping immigrants out.

Yemen is in famine conditions and wars in the middle east rages on. It doesn’t matter what side of the political fence you sit. The world is a mess.

The fact that more women were elected into congress is a good thing. That RBG broke three ribs, not so good.

I did not listen to my own advice

One of the things I tell my clients is to limit the amount of noise they let into their lives. Especially things they cannot change. This week I did not listen to my own advice.

I was coming home a few nights ago after a long day. It was dark and in between torrential rain showers. There were flashes of lightning in the distance. I was listening to the news about a ceasefire on the border with Gaza and I heard a terrible noise coming from my car. I thought I had run something over and noise grew louder and the car was shaking. The stirring pulled to the left and I pulled over a few miles from home.

I got out of my car shaking and walked around to the passenger side and my tire (that I had check a week before) was shredded. There was nothing left of it. I had never seen a blow out quite like this. The rim had taken the puncture and reduced the tire to strips of rubber. It reminded me of retreads you sometimes see on the highway from big rigs.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

It was deep breath time

I put the flashers on and called my boyfriend. He lives an hour away and sent me a YouTube video of how to change a tire. Seriously? In the dark by myself? He way over estimated my abilities in this situation. I can jump a dead battery. I cannot change a tire in the dark at night alone.

Leaning against the car I thought about my best option. A tow truck would take hours. I could have called my daughter to pick me up but had to do something about the car. And I couldn’t leave it there in a bus lane overnight.

I called my friend M and said I needed help. It was passed dinner time and I figured she would be home or at least nearby. She is the strongest woman I know physically and her father made her learn how to change a tire before she could drive the family car. She trained as a nurse and is a good friend.

“Hey girl”
“I need help”
“Where are you?”
“On the side of the road with a blow out”
“I’ll be right there.”

While I was waiting I dug in the trunk and put all the accumulated crap in the back seat. I found the small replacement tire. People drove by and honked. A couple walked by and just stared as if I was an attraction on the evening walk.

Within five minutes my friend was there

First thing she did was park her car behind mine, put on her flashers, find the hazard triangle and find the jack and lug wrench which I had never used. As I was holding the flashlight apps on both our phones and she was jumping up and down on the lug wrench to release the tire.

A young man rode by on his electric bike. Parked under the dim street light and asked if he could help. We laughed and said of course. He was dressed in rainwear head to to. Then he said his name was Or which means light. He installed the jack and within a few minutes he and M had wrestled the old pieces of tire free and put on the replacement.

I thanked him profusely and asked if I could buy him and his wife dinner. He said no, he had stopped to help someone with a dead battery up the road and he knew it wouldn’t rain on him because he was doing a Mitzvah, a good deed. His wife was waiting at home and he would be on his way.

We repacked the trunk. M took a picture of the tire and then took it with her as her family owns a tire shop. Same shop where I bought the tires. I hugged her and told her I would see her husband in the morning. Then she took the rim chuckling at what was left of the tire.

So in those moments with the help of a friend and a stranger my little corner of the world was okay. I was safe and it was fixable. And that’s the lesson.

If something can be fixed we count our blessing. (Tweet it!)

Try to be fully present in your life.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: How have you been lately? What do you do to be fully present in your life?

friendship kindness moody

5 ways to make sure you are grateful on the day of Thanksgiving

Holidays are stressful at the best of times. But this year may be more stressful that most.

Perhaps your kids have moved away or are spending Thanksgiving with the in-laws, or taking the long weekend to travel. Maybe you have lost a parent this year and the event will feel more sad than glad. Could you be out of a job or newly-divorced? Being alone or lonely during the holidays for the first time in years adds a whole new element of pressure.

How do we let some of the pressure go? We open the lid!

Here are my top 5 strategies for promoting self-care during your first Thanksgiving you spend alone.

1. Lower your expectations

Part of the disappointment surrounding the holidays comes from having unrealistic expectations that this year will be better or different than years before. In my coaching experience people I work with grow and become happier and more self confident and then walk back into a situation where they are not seen or heard and it causes distress.

If you know that the Holidays turn into a political shouting match where people drink too much, are unkind, or storm out running over your feelings in the process, give it a pass this year.

But really, it’s about being grateful. And it just a day. It’s a meal where everyone eats too much and relaxes far too little. And when our expectations are not too high we sometimes are pleasantly surprised by the outcome.

2. Be open to or create new traditions

One of my clients has had a terrible Thanksgiving tradition for more than two decades. He dreads it every year. He goes to the same family event and for reasons that have nothing to do with him, he is miserable. So this year we can up with a plan for him to have the Thanksgiving that he has always wanted.

He is really excited and the food will be delicious and anyone lucky enough to join him and his partner will be in for a treat.

Thanksgiving is one day a year and the weekend can be shared. If Thanksgiving has never been important to you, don’t make it important now. If it is important, then try to share or trade off years with ex’s, in-laws, and friends. No one solution works for every family. If you and your ex are on good terms, you might have the dinner together. At least the first year after your break up. It will give your children continuity even if you and your ex are uncomfortable. And I think all parents will agree: their children’s comfort is always more important than their own.

When I was younger, I spent a long weekend with a dear friend whose parents were divorced. The first meal was with her father and his new wife at noon. Everything was puréed and no sugar added. I was starving and ate my fill of the less-than stellar spread. But my friend neglected to warn me to save room for her Mom’s gourmet Thanksgiving dinner later in the day!

That’s one way to do it. Negotiation is key. And no matter how angry or hurt you are, remember that you loved this person once or are related to them. Try to offer them the kindness and common courtesy you would give a total stranger.

3. Give yourself a break

Thanksgiving is usually a family holiday. But maybe your family totally stresses you out. Just because you’re related to these people doesn’t mean you have to spend Thanksgiving with them. Your family loves you but that doesn’t give them an open forum to expound on your perceived mistakes or shortcomings. It is your choice to be somewhere else.

And if the turkey has been served at your house every year for the past twenty years, take a year off. You’re allowed a break. Let someone else plan, cook, and serve the dinner. And if you do attend, make sure people know that your personal life is not on the menu.

4. Make alternative plans

It is the beginning of the holiday season. Decide how you want to spend it this year. There are so many people in need. Why not volunteer at a soup kitchen instead? Many charities, churches, synagogues, and other community groups have a great need for help during the holidays. Retirement facilities would greatly appreciate someone willing to be there during the long Thanksgiving weekend as well. Sometimes focusing your energy outwards is the key to ending the constant self criticism.

If volunteering is too big a leap for you, how about attending someone else’s holiday meal? Community Thanksgiving meals are common. Find out what’s going on in your town!

5. Attend a friend’s holiday meal

Most hosts would love to have another pair of adult hands assist them. And other peoples’ family dysfunction isn’t nearly as awkward, painful, or stressful as the one you were born into. It might even be way more entertaining. The food might be better too.

When people begin talking holiday plans at work, let them know you need a place to be.

Let your friends know with a phone call, Facebook, or email that you are looking for a place to hang your hat on Thanksgiving. People can be awkward and if you want to be invited you should tell them … they often don’t know if inviting you is what you want. So make your intentions clear. Make this Thanksgiving what you want it to be.

And if you need someone to help you through this difficult time of year, sign up for a call with me to see if we might be a good fit working together.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

And never stop reminding yourself: Thanksgiving is one day. (Tweet it!)

24 hours. A Thursday in November. You are not in fourth grade and this isn’t a classmates’ birthday party. Figure out where you want to be. And if staying home in your sweatpants with a turkey sandwich while binge watching Netflix is where you want to be … more power to you! And if you happen to have Halloween candy left even better.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What are your plans for the Holiday season? Is there anything you’re dreading?

5 ways grateful thanksgiving