Angry and bitter is a choice – this year work towards joy

Summer is the end of traveling for most of us. This year has been particularly difficult for many people. Global warming and tremendous weather shifts have made travelling more stressful and in some cases more hazardous and almost impossible.

Prayers of safety for the hurricanes, typhoons, fires, volcanic eruptions, and unrest of any kind on our planet.

As with any trip of any kind outside your little corner of the world it can be stressful. Our interactions and stressors while travelling can put us right in the midst of a very large very diverse group of people. Sometimes there is a language barrier.

What’s going on?

I hear a lot of complaining and anger in totally inappropriate situations. When did yelling become okay in polite discourse? When someone asks a question, is screaming the response of an adult?

Traffic is terrible everywhere. If you must yell, do it in the comfort of your own head. A friend told me a story recently about catching a ride with a colleague back to New York City after a conference…

This person was, in all the interactions my friend had every had with him over a series of years, calm and positive. This person got behind the wheel of the car and suddenly everyone else was an asshole. She was shocked.

Now, I use this story as an example of what people do. I myself speak to other drivers and occasionally yell at the traffic through the closed windows of my car.

Do I let other cars go ahead of me? Yes. Do I sometimes say unkind things about them as they move in front of me? Yes. Although I believe these behaviors to be mostly harmless and a way to blow off steam, I am reminded that in these instances I have dehumanized my fellow traveler and have wished them harm. And this year (it was recently the Jewish New Year) I will try to lessen my animosity toward my fellow travellers.

It happens to all of us

It is a given that even the kindest among us gets cranky, but not everyone totally loses their shit at a stranger for the smallest infraction. It’s exhausting. It’s unkind and it doesn’t seek joy. It raises everyone’s blood pressure. And what kind of example does it set for our children?

I’m not sure what it is that makes people feel so entitled to spreading bad behavior. Politics aside, I don’t think we should accept rude as a way of life. No one wants to get yelled at, but sometimes we need to call people out on their outbursts. Or, if that’s too risky, then try to lead by example. Be kind. Let someone in line ahead of you. Everyone eventually gets to where they are going.

A real life example

Last summer, I asked a woman with two small children if I could help her by breaking down her stroller near the entrance to the plane. She looked at me with shock on her face and then blushed and smiled and handed me the stroller and picked up her toddler and walked onto the plane.

Did that cost me anything? I remember travelling with two small children. It was not an easy task. I would so have appreciated some help instead of people muttering under their breath about children shouldn’t be allowed on planes.

I think empathy is an artform that we need to bring back (Tweet it!)

Immediately.

Think about it. Who in your life responds with anger (besides a teenager)? I had the good fortune of being around a lot of teenagers at a family event. They were snarky, but not all the time and for goodness sakes, their brains aren’t quite fully developed.

I mean adults. Co-workers, family members, people out on the street? There is a lot of anger out there. And it’s frightening. We see new examples every day.

I believe that bitter and angry is a choice. This year I am not going to join the impolite, angry, and bitter ones. The victims and the blamers. There is no room for joy in the life of a blamer. We can all be grown-ups and take responsibility for our own mistakes as well as our triumphs.

It is impossible for me to think of a one person whose life has turned out the way they planned. That everything they ever wanted has come true. That no one they loved has ever gotten sick or died or left. It doesn’t happen. Life isn’t fair it’s just life. It’s the only one we get.

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We’ve got to move on

The people I worry about are the ones that don’t have the life they want and instead of working toward something they do want they move toward bitterness and resentment. We have all felt bitter at one time or another but we don’t stay there. Not if we want to live a life of quality.

Bitter and angry can be a weigh station as we’re working through a loss or a tragedy. Not a place of permanent residence. All of us who have gone through a separation and divorce, death of a loved one, cancer, trauma (both mental and physical) have howled at the moon, maybe yelled at God, or been furious with our partners. But then it should pass. Or at least evolve into some kind of acceptance.

Being the wronged party can garner sympathy and a certain amount of kinship for awhile. Staying in the victim mode won’t get you closer to your goal of living a better life. Bitterness is ugly and toxic and it leaks out onto everything and everyone.

Ask yourself this

Are you kind to the person you just celebrated your 30th anniversary with? Or do you blame her for not having the life you wanted? Are you still mad at your father for something he did 20 years ago?

All people have pain and loss. Our goal should be to live as truthfully as we can manage and forgive ourselves so that we can forgive others.

One of my goals this year is to complain less and enjoy more. Simple? Easy? We’ll see. Won’t you join me on my quest to live a more joyous life?

Relationships are hard, even the good ones. Not admitting fault out loud is okay, if it’s too scary for awhile. But inside, in your heart of hearts, you must be willing to look at the truth. We are imperfect beings. Living messy, imperfect lives. But the examples we set for the people around us have profound long-term results.

This year, I choose joy. Do you?

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What are your goals this year?

The men’s guide to menopause, menstrual blood, and murder


Or in other news…it’s just too damn hot.

Woah, I don’t mean actual murder. I just want to give the men in our lives a little heads up and a bit more education about what to expect when living with or interacting with a woman throughout her tumultuous, hormonally challenged and infinitely productive life. These updates should have been going on all along. Who are we being such good sports for, right?

If we don’t talk about it, then it doesn’t exist? Many people think, including men in my life, that if you quit talking about something that is bothering or distressing you, it must be okay now. Right? No, not even close. If women are out there just being such good sports about the challenges in our lives and the changes our bodies go through and never bring it up for discussion, how is anyone to know what’s going on?

For example, my daughter and I refer to the cache of feminine hygiene products in our bathroom as the library. We did this initially and unconsciously so as not to embarrass her. Recently my son asked what the library is and we both burst out laughing as we never told him. It wasn’t a big deal, but we both consciously protected him from this secret.

Why? You may ask

He’s an equal rights kind of guy. Because we protect men’s feelings? 

We make ourselves smaller so as not to intimidate or overwhelm them. This thinking has got to change. There are too many strong, independent mamas out there raising feminist boys for this disconnect to continue. There are too many teachers and activists and lawmakers not to demand equality. 37 states ratified the ERA. That’s the equal rights amendment. It needs 38 states and it has taken close to 100 years and legislatively women are not equal citizens under the law in America.

As a disclaimer or claimer, hear-me-roar women can do and have anything. Be president of a large country. Okay, not America, but the UK or Germany or India. They have invented new elements and can code up a storm. Write a life changing book and, yes, grow a human being inside their bodies. Sometimes more than one human being at a time. How about running a fortune 500 company while raising a family and writing a book? Thank you, Sheryl Sandberg and Nell Scovell. You see my point?

Okay, so here’s another question

Have you ever noticed that there are more men-centric stories than women-centric stories coming out of Hollywood? Until I read “Just the Funny Parts” by Nell Scovell, I had no idea that many tv shows have one token woman writer in a room full of men. Women are 50% of the population but apparently our stories and points of view are less entertaining. Many times over the years, when talking to people, the “what’s your favorite movie” question comes up and most all the movies are about the lives of men. Women as sidekicks or quietly supportive spouses, not main characters.

Women have also been marginalized for the same amazing powers. When there are two working parents in a household, women still do 30-40% more housework. There are many men in the world that are intimidated by strong women. And alluding to or joking about our ability to bleed once a month is only one way to keep women down by trying to convince us that the magical power of making a human being is somehow dirty or unclean. We get paid less and respected less and now, for the first time in 40 years, our reproductive rights might be at risk again. And it’s too damn hot.

 

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“Me too”

Someone asked me recently if the “Me Too” movement surprised me.

“No,” I answered. “Not the movement itself.”

What surprised me was the fact that it took 80 years of institutionalized sexual harassment and violence that everyone knew about to come to light. Only after massive evidence and too many women speaking out to silence. “Me Too” is an organization that began in 2006 by Tarara Burke to help support survivors of sexual violence, mainly young women of color in financially challenged communities. When Alyssa Milano tweeted #metoo in October 2017, it was a tipping point.

My favorite comedian, Michelle Wolf, in her HBO special “Nice Lady”, compares having a period and going to work with a guy walking into the office with his arm cut off, gushing blood. All the women in the audience laughed. The men don’t quite get the joke but laugh along sort of half-heartedly. Then she talks about how one of her friends (male) suggests she uses nose bleed instead of arm ripped off. Her response is to begin the story again with both of his arms torn off.

She also suggests that mother nature is a woman and she is passive agressive and pissed off so she’s turned the heat up a little to punish us for not taking care of the earth. And then asks coyly, “Are you uncomfortable?”

I want women to be less good sports about all sorts of things

When my first child was born I was elated and depressed. My whole body ached and I couldn’t sleep or eat. It is possible that I had postpartum depression. He was a lovely little baby but I was lonely and sad and felt like crap all the time. When I had my first breast infection when he was nine weeks old I opened a milk duct with a sterilized needle in the bathtub in a foreign country. It was excruciatingly painful. I didn’t want to stop breastfeeding. To make matters worse, my then husband thought it would be good to take the baby away for 6 hours. He didn’t know better and I didn’t tell him.

The other night, my partner and I walked to a local amphitheater in 85 degrees with 65% humidity. By the time we arrived I was drenched in sweat. If I had stood under a shower for five minutes, I couldn’t have been this wet. Mostly because I had clothes on that night and I, as a rule, don’t get into the shower with my clothes on.

I could feel the damp all the way down my back. He kept remarking how pleasant the weather was. There was no air moving. I was well past glistening and about ready to meltdown in every single way a person could. Yep, I’m talking half a mile beyond hot flash into the fiery inferno of hell realm.

We had seating on the grass which meant being way too close to the people around us. I complained how hot I was. He repeated his thoughts on the weather being so pleasant. I wanted to smash his face in. I just smiled and went and bought myself a cold apple cider. Gave him one sip and used the bottle for an ice pack all over. Eventually my body cooled down enough to sort of enjoy the show.

Men often get in trouble

It occurred to me that there are many situations like this in which men get themselves into trouble without even thinking about it. As a man there is really no need to plan which day to wear white pants. Try to guess when to plan a wedding or vacation around a regular or irregular menstrual cycle. Worry about the effectiveness or side effects of birth control. Layer clothing to be taken off strategically and and still be covered, presentable and appropriate at a wedding. Calculate the proper dosage of a medication as they are often tested on an average weight man.

I am not saying there are not very sensitive, aware, and alert men out there. I am just saying that from the time they hit puberty until the time they die (other than their stomachs resembling spare tires and gravity sagging their balls) their bodies stay about the same.

And I am going to quote Beyonce here “I am not bossy, I am the boss.”

Feminism is all about equality, not women being better than men. (Tweet it!)

Maybe things would be a little more equal if we told it like it really is more often.

Because right now, it’s too damn hot.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What are your thoughts about this? I’d love to hear them!

5 simple suggestions for managing in a stressed out world

Modern life is not easy. Too many people going too many places in too small of a space with not enough resources. It’s not a good situation. Then add a little heat like this summer and people are at their boiling points. Problem is, we all have to live on this little planet and the meaner we are to one another the harder it is to live.

I have been travelling for the last couple of weeks. If one wants to observe the human condition up close and personal in a confined place travel, summer in America in an airport or three is a microcosm of human behavior and, from what I observed, not a positive one.

Flights get delayed, overbooked, or cancelled. No one is immune. It doesn’t matter whether you bought a super saver fare or are flying first class. Since 9/11 security takes the longer, those people are trying to protect us and keep us safe, so why would people be impatient with them?
People are not at their best.

Yelling louder is not going to help move things along. (Tweet it!)

Complaining doesn’t help

In a security line at the number one ranked airport in the country I was standing behind a young family. The father was complaining loudly about everything. The government and their f…ing regulations (trying to keep him safe) the long line, (these incompetent people) trained and very efficient, the fact that he couldn’t believe he had to be in this line. He was a tall guy and the volume of his voice ensured that everyone in our line and the lines on either side of us could hear him. So could his small children. And his wife who had the posture of someone uncomfortable with the yelling. She was rigid and moving slowly and purposefully. Speaking quietly to her kids about what to expect.

We were all in line together. No one was going anywhere faster than anyone else but somehow this guy thought making everyone in a stressful environment more uncomfortable was okay. If his breath would have been colored he would have been spewing black clouds the color of smoke blocking out all the light in the room. Why did he feel entitled to be more badly behaved than his young children?

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What happened to “excuse me”?

A couple days ago I was having coffee with two friends. We stepped out on to the sidewalk and saying our goodbyes and a man walking his dog said to us in quite a hostile voice “this is a public throughway”. And he and his dog went down the street. He could of walked around us but somehow a party of women chatting incensed him so much that he had to be rude. Apparently “excuse me” wasn’t an adequate enough statement. We walked into the sunshine from a darkened cafe and couldn’t have seen him. He did, however, see us.

Did he pay more taxes so was more entitled to the sidewalk? I don’t think so. Was his name written on the sidewalk? Pretty sure not. Was he in hurry to get somewhere? Well… He was in a pair of shorts in the middle of the day strolling down the street with his dog. We stood there in stunned silence until the absurdity of the situation had us all laughing. There was no need to be so rude and yet he chose to be to make sure we knew we had inconvenienced him by five seconds.

My friend was talking about wanting to write a book call “So Rude”. And I wondered when it happened. And I realised that it was when the “please” and “thank you” were automatic. When standing in a line for a few minutes can cause someone to have a complete meltdown.

Our planet is not getting any larger. This may be a downturn in human history and we need to ride it out with as much optimism and patience as possible.

Remember these 5 rules for some clarity and sanity:

1. Say please when asking for something. People respond to kindness.
2. Say thank you when receiving something you have asked for. People appreciate thanks.
3. Wait your turn. I’m not saying wait six hours in line but check out your surroundings and if everyone is waiting too then take a breath and realize you won’t be in line forever.
4. Employ the golden rule whenever possible. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Basically treat other people the way you would be treated.
5. Remember it’s not always about you so take a breath and put yourself in the shoes of the security guy at the airport where summer doesn’t mean vacation. It means a bunch of crabby people crossing your path all day long when you are doing the best you can.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: Do you agree? Do you have anything to add? I’d love to know.

The one brave thing to stop doing if you want to be an adult

Some of us had shitty parents. There, I said it. It’s true. Many of us came from a generation of parents and grandparents who thought feeding and sheltering us was more than enough. And that worked for some families.

The problem is there are many of us in the over 30 crowd that are still blaming our parents for missed opportunities or genetic challenges or financial difficulties. Like no trust fund for example. Or having to put ourselves through school. Or being cut off at 18 to go make our ways in the world.

Nothing is more boring that hearing grown ass adults whining about missed opportunities caused by bad parenting. I have a whole bunch of friends whose parents were new immigrants. Dutch, French, Swedish and that added a whole different dimension in their American childhoods. Pretty sure Halloween trick or treating, Thanksgiving, and all the American traditions surrounding that, and American history added to the difficulty of transition and translation. Strange food in your lunch box. Good character building exercise.

Work through your issues

IF you are over 30 and still angry at your parents you should seek some counselling to work through some issues. You cannot, let me repeat, you cannot be the kind of person you want to be when blaming the people that brought you into the world. Especially not 50 years after the fact.

Maybe you grew up in a house of physical abuse. There was a time in the not too distant past when teachers and all adults for that matter were allowed to hit kids. This is a cycle that has been broken in our society but the scars linger. This kind of abuse can result in becoming an abuser or a victim or a doormat. These examples are extreme and people are fragile and need help working these things out. The fear is that we pass on this unhealthy interaction onto our own kids. Mad as hell? Don’t lift your hand.

Maybe your parents were divorced. Oh, stigma and heart ache. Much more common. But at a time when people didn’t regularly break up it was an emotional roadblock. Then there are the other folks that should have broken up and were just angry and bitter all the time. Lovely environment.

It is quite possible that your parents married young and had no terrific role models in their own families and it was a learn on the job kind of experience.

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It’s a choice

What if your parents were substance abusers? Even if alcoholism does run in your family it’s a choice. It is a disease and choosing not to put it into your body is something you, at least at the beginning, have control over. We are an entire society of self medicators. The only people that is good for own bottling companies and pharmaceutical companies.

We are so good at numbing any kind of pain or discomfort. This pain is a way for our bodies and minds to get you to pay attention. So, figure out why you need that drink or that pill or that puff. These stop gap tactics don’t help in the long run and the pain never sees the light of day and can never be resolved. Am I saying go confront your parents and tell them all these things you learned about your childhood? No, they won’t be receptive. The therapy is for you to come to terms with what happened to you and how to move forward in a positive and healthy way. To make sure your family life is different and full of well-being and joy.

Your past is past. (Tweet it!)

You can make peace with it and then move forward the way you want to. Have you left the past behind or are you still carrying around the heavy baggage that informs all your decisions?

Ask yourself some of the following questions;

If I am in an emotionally charged situation, do I respond like a five-year-old?

Is my immediate reaction hostile and angry?

Do I yell or reach for a bottle of pills or booze or both?

Do I often overreact to situations around me with the people I live with or work with?

Am I often angry and perceive my world as someone who is entitled to more and feel I receive less?

If your reactions to any or all of these questions you need to go make peace with your childhood or you are going to keep repeating the patterns of hurt and angry indefinitely.

Make rules

I have a client who has been the family punching bag for her whole life. Every family event was devastating to her and she was angry all the time. She wanted to be treated differently but never said a word or changed her behaviour in any way. Although she is the VP of a very successful company but when she goes home (we can never go home again but that’s another issue) it’s a disaster. She allows people to treat her disrespectfully and tease her about things that happened 40 years ago.

It never occurred to her that she was allowing people to be unkind to her. After some really painful work she’s not going home anymore. She’s not supporting her birth family financially anymore. She is not playing her role or being sucked into the guilt. She made some ground rules and feels much better about herself.

To Recap: If you want to live the life you have always meant to live… Quit blaming your parents and figure out where your anger or sadness is coming from. Seek professional help and don’t put up with bad behavior from the people you grew up with.

If you want to talk about it, sign up for a discovery call with me and we can make a plan to get you back on the path you want to be on towards leading a happier and healthier life.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What are your ghosts of the past? How do you deal with them?

Thoughts on self-reliance after divorce

thoughts-on-self-reliance-after-divorce

It’s been eight years since my divorce, and I’ve learned how to do a lot of things on my own. Some minor home repairs, how to get the electricity back on, how to unblock a drain, or get a toilet to stop running. I’ve done okay by myself. I’ve never really been a handy person, but I do try my best before I call someone. I even bought a five-piece set of tools — and I’ve used three of them!

A marriage should be a team. Everyone plays a different role and everyone has a job. When you get a divorce, half your team is benched or traded and you’re the only one left, doing ALL the jobs.

Establishing self-reliance after divorce

It can be daunting to suddenly have responsibility for an entire household. So when something happens, I try to take a breath and figure out what category the problem falls into.

1. No way to fix it. This is an easy one. Throw it in the trash. Hopefully it’s replicable and not an heirloom. Heirlooms are thanked for the service and joy and tossed.

2. Fixable but not in this month’s budget. Put it off unless it’s the car, fridge, or washing machine. Many places offer payment plans, so check if that is an option

3. Fixable with a little time and effort. Youtube is full of helpful videos about how to fix things. Swap with friends who need services you can render. Bake a cake for plastering a hole in a wall.

The job that I didn’t deal with much during my marriage was the car. It was solidly in my husband’s to-do list. When we got divorced, it was suddenly my job. And as both my children learned to drive, it became that much more of a job. Because they both learned to drive in my old Honda Civic, not their father’s pristine, black sports car.

The things you do on your own after a divorce

Last night, I was working in my home office. On my very cluttered desk sits a bright blue, Femo turtle from Hawaii. As two of my cats were fighting over lounge space, the turtle hit the floor, losing both its head and tail. All the little turtles tucked inside, under his hollow shell scattered across the carpet. I picked all the pieces up and put them aside to fix this morning.

While I was down on my hands and knees, I noticed the desktop computer fan wasn’t turning. I wiped off all the intake screens in the back of the hard drive, blew some dust off the fan, and stuck a pencil in to get the blade going again. It was too dusty, so I took my hair dryer into the office, and on a cool setting, I blew the rest of the dust off the fan. It’s working. Self-reliance at it’s finest — I never would have done this during my marriage!

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This morning I took out a new tube of superglue. I put a kitchen towel and some plastic wrap down on top of it as a work surface and carefully placed the pieces of the turtle on the towel. Removing the cap of the superglue, I flipped it to open the tube with the pointed back side of the top. I squeezed the tube and nothing happened. Squeezing harder, a few drops came out that dotted onto the tail and held it in place.

Things will be messy but they will be yours (Tweet it!)

Then I moved on to the head and repeated the procedure. I didn’t see, or feel, or smell anything come out of the tube at first. The plastic wasn’t wet or gooey. I squeezed harder and heard the rush of fluid. Superglue ran out over 9 of 10 of my fingers. I tried to rub it into the turtle’s neck to replace the head, but the glue dried almost instantly onto my skin and nails. The result you ask?

A headless turtle with a tail and a superglue manicure that looks like an advanced skin disease. I know that it will rub off in a few days. Especially, if I play with the dried flakey mess on my fingers constantly — I can’t leave it alone for a second.

Last week, I re-glued a magnet to the back of my phone so it can be hands free in the car. That was only a two finger job. I probably shouldn’t have done it while in the car. That time it took two days to get the dried glue off my fingers.

Not sure what it is about super glue that brings out the kindergartener in me. And next time I need to glue something, it will probably happen again. The perfection of the job isn’t the point. That I keep trying to fix things is more important. Sometimes all that’s needed is a new light bulb or some super glue, carefully applied.

Now over to you: How are you taking steps to establish self-reliance after your divorce?

 

 

 

 

The care and feeding of the human heart

Pain and suffering in our lives, ourselves, and loss of our communities.

I was thinking about despair and hopelessness as I read that another cultural icon had taken her own life. Three intensely creative people this year whom I have grown up watching, enjoying, and being a consumer of their products, all ended their own lives. The oldest being 60 years old the youngest 54.

These creative geniuses who are now lost to the world, their families, and friends and I don’t know how to be okay with these three no longer in our world sharing their gifts.

As an outsider looking in, I can’t imagine why people with everything, status, wealth, creative careers would end up in so much pain that their only choice was to commit suicide. Were these famous folks under a doctor’s care? Were they part of the culture trying to take the edge with drugs that don’t work? Their internal demons so loud that their only option was to shut them up forever?

What does this say about the rest of us regular people with regular careers and issues about paying the mortgage or writing a rent check? Fame can be isolating and people who surround famous people for a little of that fame to rub off may not be helpful to the mental health.

I have been thinking…

And in this context, I have been thinking a lot about grief and depression and how they have the same symptoms. Why do we chemically treat something that is natural and necessary?

Grieving over something or someone that is lost to us is a human way of honouring something that mattered enough to feel pain and anguish at the loss. (Tweet it!)

Have we lost the ability to grieve? To go through the process of losing someone or something? Does it haunt us to the point of despair?

We have physical pain is an indication that something is amiss and if it continues you might consider seeking a medical solution. If the pain is acute the likelihood of seeking treatment becomes more intense.

I believe many times emotional pain heals at a much slower rate than physical pain and without the right tools or interventions maybe it doesn’t heal at all. There are a lot of real life reasons for feeling anxious living in the world right now. I don’t believe it’s all in our heads.

And for some reason I do not understand those are the stories that are broadcast 24/7 on every outlet that messages can be sent. This may very well be the reason why people watch cat videos. It might be only me who watches those videos but with the hundreds of thousands of views I don’t think so.

We are constantly bombarded by the negative. If it isn’t news, then it’s a materialistic mandate that you must buy this product, so you can be okay. That’s nonsense, of course, but it can have a profound effect of how we feel.

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Why are people unhappy?

I am listening to a fascinating book right now by Johann Hari called “Lost Connection – Uncovering the real causes of depression-and the unexpected solutions”. He has some interesting insights into why people are unhappy, depressed, and lonely. And he describes his own journey with anxiety and depression. I highly recommend the book for anyone who has been diagnosed with anxiety and or depression and put on medication.

One of his basic premises is that the anti-anxiety drugs may not work and just having a problem with the way your brain works may not be an accurate picture of what is going on. We are a tribal people and came from groups preagricultural and the way we stayed alive was to be part of a community.

Nature is connection. When we are isolated, as in living alone and not having strong ties to anyone outside of ourselves it may be an urgent signal from our brains to get back to the safety of the group.

So, what happens when we don’t have a group anymore?

Find one, seek out one, or make one. Religious communities, churches, synagogues, bowling leagues, a Facebook group even. These are all places of coming together. We, as human beings, need a tribe and although it may be the last thing you feel like doing letting someone else know you are hurting might be a great first step to healing.

We, as a society, don’t live where we grew up. Don’t live in multigenerational households as we once did. We also pend so many hours working that we don’t make as many meaningful connections as we once did. This is an oversimplification, but what if there is some truth to it?

Where our human icons so isolated by their fame and good fortune that they had no real connections? Perhaps did they feel there was nothing left for them to contribute? We will never know the answers to these questions. But making more human connections and nurturing them and ourselves might keep us safer from pain and loneliness.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: Have you ever felt unhappy, depressed, or lonely? What steps did you take to feel better?

How to avoid disastrous dating after divorce

People often ask me when I started dating after divorce. It’s a hard question to answer. I usually start by saying that “dating sucks!!” at any age. I watched my teenagers go through the drama and heartbreak after my divorce and had no desire to jump into another relationship. If your self-esteem is shattered, as most of ours is after a divorce, why would we want to put ourselves out there again?

When you’ve shared a home and a life with your ex-spouse for years, being single takes some getting used to. The house is too quiet when the kids are with your ex. Parties you used to attend are less fun when all your friends are asking you questions about your divorce. People can be terrible gossips and if you’re what’s on the menu, it isn’t healthy and can be very emotionally damaging.

I have friends who jumped right back on the horse with hook-up sites and internet dating after divorce. The guys they found were fun and mostly younger and it was an ego boost for them after spending years in a loveless marriage. They suddenly felt attractive and wanted again. Not really my style but it worked for them. I haven’t heard any wedding bells yet but the smiles on their faces say something.

It can be tempting to jump right in!

For me, there were a few quick beginnings. It was easy to tell that they wouldn’t work long or short term. I wasn’t looking too hard and I enjoyed my quiet. It was strange to have my married friends trying to fix me up with other divorced people.

If the only thing you have in common with someone is your divorce certificate, that’s not enough. (Tweet it!)

That’s the thing about being divorced. You can do whatever you want, especially if someone has been telling you “no” for a bunch of years. There is a big beautiful world out there full of people to like you and appreciate you. My only caveat is that intimacy takes time to build. And with all those hormones and serotonin happening it’s hard to make a rational decision.

Loneliness is scary and painful and for many people, jumping right back into a relationship feels good. Especially when you don’t know the new person well enough to see their flaws. Who wouldn’t want to live in the honeymoon stage forever? I have witnessed quick second marriages that last for years and some that last for months.

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Be still before dating after divorce

But what we should all be doing is making time to be still before we jump into dating after divorce. We need to be still long enough to start to understand what you really want and need. I guess dating lite would be the best answer. To be aware of what went wrong in your marriage/relationship and try not to replace it before you figure out who you are and what you want and need.

My grandmother was married five times and engaged one other time before the poor guy died. She was a widow at least three times and wasn’t single very long in between marriages. The person she showed to this new man wasn’t who she really was. She was strong and tough and played the 75 year-old coquette. The honeymoon didn’t last long in any of these marriages. But she was of a generation that believed being without a man, even if you were a successful business woman, was a bad thing.

It’s good to be alone for a while

Being on your own isn’t a bad thing. I had my kids, work, friends and a full life. And I realized something else near the end of that first year. I had been on my own for ten years before my marriage. I was ok without someone then and I was okay now. My kids were happy. And I was happier.

How did I know? What was my proof? I started humming. That’s how I knew my groove was coming back after my divorce. I was puttering around my house humming. Driving in my car singing. I didn’t feel like crying anymore. That dark soul crushing heaviness I had been carrying around lifted. And someone came into my life soon after that. It must be working because he’s still around.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: How long did you wait to start dating again after divorce?

When did we become so afraid of pain?

In my work helping people feel better during or after a trauma, I have noticed that there are some old wounds people don’t want to reveal or revisit. They know that uncovering and exposing this old pain to the light will help give them a better overall sense of well-being. It may also allow them to live a fuller and happier life. In many instances, they want to hang on to that old pain. It’s familiar. Awful, but familiar. Deeply rooted and their fear is stronger than the relief could ever be.

I started to think about why this happens, especially with early in life trauma that we have encapsulated into ourselves. We carry this hurt around as part of us and consciously or unconsciously make decisions based on this earlier event. Sometimes we marry the same kind of people trying to puzzle out what happened to us. The deepest pain remains hidden.

Emotional pain can be every bit as painful as physical pain. (Tweet it!)

And the physical pain we pop pills to try to get rid of that as fast as possible. Is this how people get addicted to pain medication?

What happened the last time you got a headache? Did you take something? Did you think about why you might have a headache before you took a pill or two?

Were you dehydrated? Sleeping poorly? Too much time in the sun? Had you skipped a meal? Too much caffeine in your diet? Is your blood pressure too high?

When did we become afraid of pain?

Pain is most often our bodies way of telling us something is amiss. And not all pain can be deadened by a pill. There is too much information on the internet. I try not to look up symptoms as I am sure Googling it will bring up the worst-case scenarios every time.

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And I am not a great patient I used to wait to go to the Doctor until things were bad. I had a severe sinus headache on and off for almost five years. Every time I would fly I would get a sinus infection. I would tap my forehead and under my eyes and it would hurt bad. I would bend forward, and it felt like someone had taken a bat to my head.

There were two little children at home that I was very involved with and after a couple of Tylenol, cups of coffee and followed by an Advil or two I could get on with my day. This time was no different except antibiotics for ten days to clear the infection.

Did I visit the doctor? Yes, many times. The last time I went I was given vitamin C and Eucalyptus drops. I wasn’t taken seriously. I was told I looked too good to have anything seriously wrong with me. And then a month later I was having my usual headache and my face swelled like the elephant man. I was sure it was an allergy.

I had been to the ENT. They told me my sinuses were clear. And to the eye doctor. They told me it wasn’t my eye even though by then I couldn’t see out of my right eye and the whole right side of my face was swollen. I took a Benadryl and went to bed.

A friend helped me out

A dear friend, also the OBGYN who delivered my children, called to check on me and sent us straight to the Emergency Room. I told the babysitter that we would be back in a few hours. I was in so much pain I couldn’t hold my head up. In the ER I was seen by a doctor that said it was an allergy. A nurse disagreed and booked me for a CT.

It turns out I did have an infection. But not in my sinuses. In my orbital socket. It wasn’t draining because I had a brain tumor that had been growing for years. It was benign although they didn’t tell me that for a few weeks. And a few months later I had it removed. The aftermath is another story. The moral I take from this is if you are in pain, get help and keep asking until someone listens.

Eventually, we must deal with the pain

Pain is a red flag. Emotional or physical it’s how we as human beings process. Shutting either kind of pain down with, alcohol, sex, drugs, and other self-destructive behaviors just pushes the pain off for a little while. Eventually, we must deal with the pain. It’s not like ripping off a band-aid but if you find someone you trust to share the pain with it will make the journey worthwhile.

No, it isn’t easy but it’s the journey we have. Be kind to yourselves and listen to your body.

Now over to you: Do you recognize yourself in this? Do you listen enough to your inner self?

 

 

 

 

Why happy shouldn’t be the goal but happier should

Being happy all the time is unrealistic and bad for your health. Putting on a happy face is not a life goal. Being happier is. Our world is a turbulent place and happy is one of many emotions that we feel daily. We are an insecure tribe and it’s okay to feel your feelings.

This is not an invitation to sit your four-year-old down and tell her about nuclear arms. This is an invitation to check in with yourself, see how you are doing and don’t feel obligated to always answer fine when someone asks how you are.

Have you ever felt anxious and depressed? And did feeling that way make you feel more anxious and depressed? Did you think something was wrong with you? I did for a long time. Looking back, I have had intense periods of anxiety dating back to my teenage years. Some of our brains are just wired that way. It doesn’t make us damaged. It make us human.

We are not meant to be happy all the time. (Tweet it!)

It’s not the constant state of being for people. We have a full range of emotional experiences. And our emotions are subject to change all the time. As adults, one of the things we can strive for is even temperedness. Some people are more cheerful than others, some people more dramatic.

Not being clinically depressed or having an anxiety disorder, PTSD and other real and diagnosed issues. Those things are real and a constant battle to keep a daily equilibrium. Not of happy and skippy but just of putting one foot in front of another and getting through another day. That is a whole different kind of being that I would be happy to speak more about if the interest is there.

It is okay to be down

A little wallowing is good for the soul. It gives you time to consider or grieve or figure out what comes next. And if you are up all the time how are you going to be able to handle the down? Examining what is bringing you down is also a good exercise. Is it something outside of your control? Then letting go might be in order. Or is it an inside issue you are struggling with?

Life is challenging and if you are happy all the time regardless of your situation, is that really an honest way of being? I am not recommending telling your deepest darkest secrets to everyone who asks you how you are. I am saying be a little more honest with the people you are closest to. Lighten your emotional load by unburdening yourself to a trusted friend, family member or counsellor.

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Here are 5 strategies to live a calmer and happier life:

1. Turn off the news.

Limit your exposure to one source once a day. There is nothing more damaging to those of us trying to live a gentler life than constant updates of world events we have no control over. And news is less about information and more about sensationalism. It’s meant to get a reaction so slow it down.

2. Limit your access to your devices.

Do you have to answer every text the minute it beeps on your smartphone? Those noise reminders are keyed into your nervous system so you feel compelled to answer. Turn off the bells and whistles. If you need to check in for work once an hour it is probably okay. If you have little kids, feel okay about where they are and how they are doing as often as you need to.

3. Stop comparing yourself and your family to anyone else’s.

Every family has its own drama. There is no such thing as normal. Do not begin sentences is your head like “If only we were…If only I was…” These are no win scenarios and they only lead to us feeling bad. No one knows exactly what goes on in other people’s families or lives. Normal doesn’t exist. Stop comparing. Facebook is the dressed up Sunday best of everyone’s lives. Don’t compare.

4. Get quiet long enough to figure out what you want.

Stay in that space until you can hear that voice in your head. Not the one that tells you negative things. Not the one that tries to keep you safe by keeping you from doing things that put you out there. But the voice that wants something different for you, that brave inner voice that helps you leave a bad job, a bad relationship, forgives you for being human.

5. Do something new.

Actually go somewhere new and try a new activity. Take a class. Take a walk. See new things. Fill up your experience cup. Dust off your dancing shoes and dance. Be happier.

Let me know how it goes.

If you want a little help, fill out an application and come work with me to lead a happier more calm life. I’m listening.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

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Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What pain do you live with? How do you handle it?

5 ways to overcome loneliness in a disconnected world

We are a tribal people. We’re meant to live in groups and depend on one another. That’s the way human beings have behaved for thousand of years, and yet many of us live alone and even feel proud that we don’t need anyone. And we couldn’t be more wrong.

Human interaction can save your life

I read this quote in Psychology Today this week, sitting on a plane, smashed together with hundreds of my fellow men and women. And it struck me. Human interaction can save your life. Did you know that? People who have strong social ties, a circle of close friends, and community attachments are healthier, live longer, suffer from less pain, and live a better quality of life.

Now, I am not saying that friendships cure cancer, but I am saying that they greatly increase our ability to enjoy ourselves and live fuller, longer, and happier lives.

“Loneliness poses a serious physical risk—it can be, quite literally, deadly. As a predictor of premature death, insufficient social connection is a bigger risk factor than obesity and the equivalent of smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, according to Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a psychology professor at Brigham Young University and one of the leading figures in loneliness research. And, she says, the epidemic is only getting worse.” 

Loneliness is as bad as obesity and smoking?

Wow – being socially isolated can be worse for you than obesity or smoking? That’s bad and it’s completely reversible. It just takes some effort and a little nurturing.

So what do you do? Find your tribe or bowling league or knitting circle…

If you are so inclined, join a house of worship. Go back to church, synagogue, find a mosque, or a Baptist revival meeting. I know some very happy lapsed Catholics hanging out at a much more relaxed service these days.

Many of us, through time and circumstance, are no longer close to our families, either geographically or emotionally. Many of us aren’t so connected with our family of origin. So what? There are all kinds of other groups out there waiting for you to join in.

People with close friends are the happiest (Tweet it!)

People who have close friends (not thousands of likes on Facebook or billions of followers on Twitter) are the happiest people. They  live the longest with the best quality of life.

I have always had a theory about hugs and human touch. But this research is stunning. And the advice for alleviating loneliness are some of the same things I tell my clients every day.

 

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The world is a mess and people aren’t as friendly as they were when you knew all your neighbours. Here’s a radical idea. Get to know your neighbours. Okay, one neighbour. Help carry groceries upstairs. Offer to walk the barking dog.

Step out of your lonely bubble and have a real interaction with someone you see on the bus, work with, the woman behind the cheese counter at your grocery store. Turn some of your energy outward. You will get it back immeasurably. When was the last time you smiled at a child? Opened a door for someone? Practiced a small kindness for no reason?

Here are some suggestions for feeling a little less alone in this world. And remember: people and relationships need nurturing, time, and patience but the rewards will be bountiful.

And if you are lucky enough to have a partner in your life, remember you still need your tribe to thrive. One person to be your everything is a set up for disappointment. The happiest people have many social resources.

Five ways to feel less lonely and isolated and make new connections

1. Start small. You do not need to invite your entire apartment building to a dinner party. But how about next time you are in the elevator with that nice woman from the third floor you always say hello to, ask her where she gets her coffee. (No creepy guys!)

2. Reach out. Talk to strangers. Spend an extra two minutes talking to a colleague that you might like to become friends with. Friendships take time, so start one. Is there a cousin you never see enough? Reach out.

3. Do something creative. Join a pottery class, go to an exhibit, introduce yourself to the artist. Artists need love too. Join a choir, go on a bike trip. Do something you love with people who love it too. Volunteer to drive someone to a medical appointment.

4. See people face to face. Actually in the same room at the same time. Sometimes, of course, this isn’t possible, so use one of the internet’s face-to-face communication programs. FaceTime or WhatsApp is easy, and Zoom.us is free.

5. Widen your circle. Reach out to old classmates that live close. There’s nothing like a common past to get you moving towards someone. Volunteer for a reunion committee. Plan to see someone you have Facebooked with for years. Get involved in someone else’s life.

Now over to you: Let me know how your social experiment goes? It may feel uncomfortable at first trying to break out of your isolation. Give it a bit of energy and time!