Who decided that divorce is a failure?

50% of married couples eventually get divorced. But does that mean that 50% of people are a failure? Why do so many divorced individuals struggle with intense feelings of failure?

It’s more than a little antiquated and unrealistic to view divorce as a failure in modern society. Every generation lives longer than the previous generation. “Until death do us part” was a different kind of promise when people didn’t live much beyond 50. We used to live in a society where people lived in the same home town all their lives, stayed at the same job for 40 years, and then retired. Do you know a lot of people who have worked at the same job or the same company for their entire careers?

Dynamic lives – dynamic marriages

Life isn’t like that anymore. Life is long and complicated and messy and people may decide that they want different things. People change and grow and move around. They don’t stay in one place their whole lives. They quit jobs, move cities, go back to school, and change careers. The pace of life is completely different than it was two generations ago. So why do we look at the institution of marriage in a way that is no longer accurate, relevant, or productive?

Was my marriage a mistake? My children are the most precious things in my life and certainly in the life of my ex-husband. They were not mistakes or in any way a failure. By what standard and whose judgment are all these ex-spouses marked as failures? The fact that we raised two healthy, happy, well-rounded, and generous adults doesn’t sound like a failure to me. We should be celebrating this beautiful achievement.

Was it easy?

No. Divorce sucks. It was agonizing and soul wrenching and the only choice after 17 years. It isn’t something anyone who has been through takes lightly (or would go through willingly.) I know a few happily married couples. Good for them. I know a lot more unhappily married couples. Good luck to them. It’s very hard to live a lie.

The old adage “The only real failure is in not every trying” could be applied here to love and marriage. Committing yourself to another person is a huge act of faith and hopefulness. But things happen and love changes. People’s needs change and sometimes the only way to move ahead is to break something.

 

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

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Redefining failure

Families don’t resemble the nuclear families I was raised in. Pop culture has figured this out. Have you seen an episode of Modern Family? No rigid definition of family there. But it is a family. The father got a divorce and married a younger woman with a child. And then had a child together. He has grandchildren older than his own child and his adopted child. Two gay fathers bring up an adopted Asian daughter. And a married couple that were high school sweethearts are trying to keep their relationship relevant while raising three children.

Maybe we could redefine failure. How about divorce as a rite of passage? A stage in life 50% of married people in the world go through. Divorce is a journey toward finding the person you are meant to be with.

But most of all, divorce is a journey toward finding the person you are meant to be. (Tweet it!)

Now over to you: Did you feel like a failure when you were going through your divorce? How have your feelings about your divorce evolved over time? I’d love to hear how you’re dealing with this tough transition!

Moving forward and the magic of tidying up

My landlords just sold the house I’ve been living in for the last six years. The first place I lived after my divorce. My moving out date is July 1st. And as I look forward with relocation looming, I started to think about getting rid of things I no longer want or need.

I’ve had many deep conversations with my coaching clients about holding on to things we don’t need and the burden it creates. Purging my life of things I don’t use happens once or twice a year. I have a friend who is a professional organizer, and she comes to fold linens and add moral support while taking bags of stuff to be recycled or donated. But this time it’s different. I am moving from 4 bedrooms with a basement to 3 bedrooms and no extra storage.

I’m a big fan of audible books. I have belonged for about a year and have 10 books on a waiting list, one being, The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. I’ve read articles about the book and I’ve heard Marie Kondo speak on a morning show. I think her ideas are brilliant but her execution a bit severe. Still, I wanted to start thinking about downsizing and was open to getting inspiration from any place. Another very organized friend gave me Move your stuff: Change your life. I wasn’t ready to move stuff at the time. Now I am.

Making space

So, I bought Marie Kondo’s book, knowing in advance that I don’t live like the Japanese. Space is at a premium on the Island of Japan, so I would keep that in mind. The narrator had a lovely voice. And in the introduction, she claims and almost boasts that she has no rebounds with her clients. I was in the car listening and laughed out loud. The Konmari method is what she calls her system, a combination of her first and last name. She even organized as a five year-old. I laughed even harder.

As a teenager, she read home improvement magazines and tried almost every organizing method and system. She bought countless baskets, bins, and shelving units only to get rid of them as they didn’t work in the end. Then she talked about the spiritual aspect of decluttering and thanking each item you discard for it’s service. This also make me laugh.

I am not so attached to everything I own as to kiss it good-bye and send it on its journey. Okay, so she wants you to touch everything in your possession and decide if it gives you joy. If not, it is thanked and sent on its way. Full disclosure here, in the last two years, I have had two floods, one mold attack, and a robbery. I have less things because of all these events. Especially precious things. The losses have been substantial and many items were irrespirable.

Embrace the opportunity to learn

The best thing I got out of the book was how to fold things into little rectangles and put things vertically into drawers so that each thing can be seen and identified. And her method of starting with clothes and shoes and moving onto other things was useful. I didn’t use her method exactly, but did throw out old receipts and pictures and got my paperwork under control for the first time in years.

From the book, I also understand that Marie Kondo lives alone and empties her purse out every night. That everything in her life has a space. No children or significant other to clutter her space. No pets to messy up her perfectly ordered life. She has a bookshelf in her closet. One tiny bookshelf with all her books. I am an avid reader and I love books. I’m keeping ALL of them along with the bookcases that hold these precious volumes.

She does mention not going through other people’s stuff. My children don’t live at home full-time and sorting through their things isn’t on my list until June. They know what date the move will take place so that’s a deadline I don’t have to reinforce. Like any self-help book, this one offers great wisdom and should be sifted through like any other advice. Taking from it what works for you.

My Post-Divorce Clean Up Advice?

Let some time go by. Don’t make huge decisions while you are still raw.
Don’t chuck things that remind you of your ex. Your kids might want them someday. Box them up if you have the space and deal with them later. Wounds are too fresh
Photos can also be put away and discarded later. At least keep the frames. They were expensive!
Allow yourself to pick a time of your choosing and invite a friend to help.
Going through old love letters and pictures is a good way to remind yourself you are desirable. If you’d like to chat, reach out.

We are not our stuff. It does not define us. Except maybe shoes (Tweet it!)

Over to you: how did you ‘clean up’ after your divorce?

On Mother’s Day after divorce

All holidays are a little more challenging after divorce. Anniversaries are difficult. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day too – especially if your children are too young to manage breakfast in bed or even know the days of the week. Or put crayon to paper instead of putting it into their mouths.

Mid-May is Mother’s Day in the United States and Canada. In the UK, it was celebrated in March. It has always surprised me that Mother’s Day is but one day a year. Motherhood is by far the most difficult and rewarding of all occupations. And it’s one you commit to for 18 years without a break. As my children get older, the worries get bigger. I had no idea that once they move out of your realm of influence, it is harder not to worry, hang on, and try not to interfere. With age comes wisdom and experience. Two things they don’t really want to hear about.

This year on Mother’s Day, my adult children will be away. One in the army and one in Africa. I do not share children with the man in my life and Sunday is just another day of the week here in Israel. My ex won’t remember, as it isn’t a local holiday. If I remind him, I might get a text. But that seems forced.

I speak with my coaching clients a lot about feeling appreciated. It’s tricky. We want recognition for our work but it was asked for it, we seem desperate.

For me, my own Mother’s Days ceased to be joyous when my own Mother died. She was very into multiple cards and small silly gifts. I have a brightly colored chenille robe that she bought me on her last Mother’s Day. I spoke to a friend this morning whose own mother passed last year. And she’s dreading the day.

Take the pressure off

So this year, let’s take the pressure off. If you have your kids with you, great. If not, your ex’s mother can get all dressed up and try to find a place to eat when everyone else is taking their mother out. So, you’ll end up at a crowded place with cold coffee and runny eggs. Don’t buy into the crazy.

If you are lucky enough to have a mother, then call her, send her a card, or make her breakfast if she’s close enough. Thank her on Sunday the 14th (and every day!!) for all that she’s done. And if you haven’t figured this out yet (everyone with teenagers say I!) we do not have children to be appreciated. If they turn out to be good, caring, decent people, then that’s a win. And sometimes we do absolutely everything right and it still doesn’t work out.

To be a good parent is to be a good person. Nobody is perfect. (Tweet it!)

Showing our children life’s reality is sometimes a painful thing. The year my Mother died, I cried for six months. My daughter was eleven and tall for her age. Whenever she saw me tear up she hugged me. And having these moments made it a little easier to be without my mom.

If your children resent you for the divorce now, that won’t last. When they have some real-life experience, they may thank you. Growing up in a tension-filled home without love isn’t doing anyone a favor. That is not the example I wanted my kids to grow up with.

Next Sunday I will toast my own mother. And take myself out for brunch if I want to or not.

Over to you: how will you spend Mother’s Day this year?

How to navigate your first post-divorce Thanksgiving

Holidays are stressful at the best of times. But when you’re newly-divorced? Being single during the holidays for the first time in years adds a whole new element of pressure. How do we let some of the pressure go? We open the lid!

Here are my top 5 strategies for promoting self-care during your first post-divorce Thanksgiving.

Lower your expectations

Part of the disappointment surrounding the holidays comes from having unrealistic expectations that this year will be better or different than years before. But really, it’s about being grateful. And it just a day. It’s a meal where everyone eats too much and relaxes far too little.

Be open to new traditions

Getting your groove back after a divorce is all about new traditions and doing the right thing for you and your children. Thanksgiving is one day a year and the weekend can be shared. If Thanksgiving has never been important to you, don’t make it important now. If it is important, then try to share or trade off. No one solution works for every family. If you and your ex are on good terms, you might have the dinner together. At least the first year. It will give your children continuity even if you and your ex are uncomfortable. And I think all parents will agree: their children’s comfort is always more important than their own.

When I was younger, I spent a long weekend with a dear friend whose parents were divorced. The first meal was with her father and his new wife at noon. Everything was puréed and no sugar added. I was starving and ate my fill of the less-than stellar spread. But my friend neglected to warn me to save room for her Mom’s gourmet Thanksgiving dinner later in the day!

That’s one way to do it. Negotiation is key. And no matter how angry or hurt you are, remember that you loved this person once. You had children with them. Try to offer them the kindness and common courtesy of a total stranger.

For the first few years after our divorce, my ex and I had holidays with our children. Not his family and not my family. We actually celebrated just the 4 of us. It wasn’t always pleasant or comfortable but it was what we thought was best for our children. The divorce wasn’t their doing and we wanted to make that clear from the beginning and reinforce that notion whenever possible by sucking it up and making the holidays as special as they always were.

Give yourself a break

Thanksgiving is usually a family holiday. But maybe your family totally stresses you out. Maybe they looooved your ex and they make you feel guilty for the split. Just because you’re related to these people doesn’t mean you have to spend Thanksgiving with them. Your family loves you but that doesn’t give them an open forum to expound on your perceived mistakes. It is your choice to be somewhere else.

And if the turkey has been served at your house every year for the past twenty years, take a year off. Let someone else plan, cook, and serve the dinner. And if you do attend, make sure people know that your personal life is not on the menu.

Make alternative plans

Is the beginning of the holiday season as a divorcee bringing up too many emotions? Why not volunteer at a soup kitchen instead? Many charities, churches, synagogues, and other houses of worship have a great need for help during the holidays. Retirement facilities would greatly appreciate someone willing to be there during the long Thanksgiving weekend as well. Sometimes focusing your energy outwards is the key to ending the wallowing.

If volunteering is too big a leap for you, how about attending someone else’s holiday meal? Community Thanksgiving meals are common. Find out what’s going on in your town!

Attend a friend’s holiday meal

Most hosts would love to have another pair of adult hands assist them. And other peoples’ family dysfunction isn’t nearly as awkward, painful, or stressful as the one you were born into. It might even be way more entertaining. The food might be better too.

When people begin talking holiday plans at work, let them know you need a place to be.

Let your friends know with a phone call, Facebook, or email that you are looking for a place to hang your hat on Thanksgiving. Dealing with divorced friends can be awkward for people … they often don’t know if inviting you alone will bring up emotions. They don’t want to rock the boat. So make your intentions clear. Make this Thanksgiving what you want it to be.

And never stop reminding yourself: Thanksgiving is one day. (Tweet it!)

24 hours. A Thursday in November. You are not in fourth grade and this isn’t a classmates’ birthday party. Figure out where you want to be. And if staying home in your sweatpants with a turkey sandwich while binge watching Ray Donovan is where you want to be … more power to you!

On keeping score in a relationship

When we were children, every slight from a sibling, cousin, or classmate was remembered. These slights were likely returned immediately when the adult on duty had their back turned. If someone hit you, you hit back. When a friend snatched your eraser, you grabbed their pencil. If someone grabbed your toy, you grabbed it back. If someone called you stupid, they were stupid. We were masters of keeping score. But as we grew older and began to understand the ways of polite society, we learned not to keep score in the same way. We learned that words were often more powerful than deeds.

Sitting in rush hour traffic this morning, the man behind me honked his horn before the light turned green. Should I move? Gesture with my middle finger in the rear view mirror? Block his way completely? Tit for tat? I laughed at myself and proceeded on my way. And then I thought about keeping score and how both my ex-husband and I had done this during our marriage. I cover these kind of behaviors with my coaching clients. I wish I was smart enough to talk to someone about it years ago.

It doesn’t make sense to keep score when you’re in a partnership.

When both parties are getting what they want and need, there’s no reason to fill in a scorecard. (Tweet it!)

As communication breaks down and hurt feelings and disappointments give way to score keeping, it is extremely difficult to return to even. Especially if one spouse does the majority of the emotional heavy lifting in the relationship.

I remember inviting a couple over for meals several times during our marriage and they always accepted happily but without a single return invitation. This went on for years. My ex-husband and I argued about it. I remember feeling a bit ungracious but also like a grown up. The time and energy put into those meals was a lot of effort. We had two small children and busy lives. It was not a “give and take” relationship — it was a “take and take” relationship. So I simply stopped inviting this couple over.

We’ve all had relationships like this. A family member or close friend that feels entitled to our time and energy. There is no reciprocity in this kind of relationship. It’s not keeping score when it is completely one-sided. It is a decision to invest in relationships that nurture you, make you feel better, and lift you up emotionally. The positive relationships are easy to identify. These are with the people you feel you NEVER get to spend enough time with.

It’s not my recommendation to end all relationships in your life that are unequal. But I want you to take a closer look and reserve your time and energy for the people in your lives that build you up. In a grown-up relationship, you give and receive. Make the “give and take” relationships a priority – this forces you to limit the time you spend on the emotionally depleting “take and take” relationships.