I do not know where my daughter is.
Not exactly. She is traveling with friends in Asia for a few months. She went with no itinerary to speak of and as many of her friends post-army travel she too is taking the big trip. Seeing that part of the world. She is 21 and her room is clean for the first time in years. And empty.
When my son was 18 months old, a bright social little guy, I thought (other people thought) he needed some peer to peer stimulation. I was pregnant with a second child and I took him reluctantly to a very small private playgroup/preschool in a friends house. The separation was impossibly hard for me. The kind women there, after my inability to let my crying child go, had to push me out the door.
I knew my son would be well cared for although he too was upset. Not with the separation, but with my distress. I went back to my car, drove down the street a few houses, stopped, turned the motor off and cried. I only moved on when the need to pee became more acute than my need to be near my son.
We can never completely protect our children
The only time we can completely surround and protect our children, it seems, is before they are born. Once they get out into the world they are exposed to all kinds of things and the separations begin.
My son spent three years in the army cyber division and then went off to Kenya to represent a hi-tech company there. I was terrified. So far out of my comfort zone and realm of influence. I hardly got to take a breath after his army service and then he was off to a foreign country. Where it is not only dangerous to be gay but illegal. I was the only one who thought this might not be the best idea. I kept my terror under control and spoke to him often during his lunch break.
And then there was the day he called to tell me he hurt his arm and my daughter and I picked him up at the airport at 4:00 AM 18 hours later with a broken clavicle that needed surgery and a plate to put his bones back together. Even though he looked terrible when he arrived I was happy to have him back where I could at least take care of him a little.
Three weeks later he went back to Kenya. I wished he didn’t want to go but he had a job to finish. I was proud of him and kept my displeasure mostly to myself.
And so now my daughter is in Asia
Vietnam to be exact. At least I think so. Her army service was spent in a command center in a dangerous area where she traveled to and from in an armored bus. And now, she is seeing Asia with a few girlfriends.
She has sent me WhatsApp Videos from the back of a motorcycle being driven by someone she doesn’t know along a dirt road near a cliff. Last night she sent me a picture of a sleeping bus that she was on with a bunch of other kids going overnight somewhere, not sleeping. At the age of 21, she is an adult with very good judgment and I have to rely on that.
How do we let go?
Realize our children never belonged to us in the first place and they are on loan from the world? No, that doesn’t really work for me. I don’t know the answer to this one but I keep working on it. And when I am missing them, I ask for time.
I remember what it was like to visit home as a 20 something and realize that the empty nest is a blessing and a curse. (Tweet it!)
I make sure my kids know that they always have a place to come home to no matter how old they are or how far away they travel or move.
It is a time for reinvention for many of us. I have become a teacher and a coach, and I have taught by example resilience and hope. I have loved unconditionally and kept my mouth shut most of the time. And when I need a hug from one of my kids I ask for it.
I have a friend whose daughter is also in Asia. She cried all the way home from the airport. And her daughter will probably be home before her two months are up. I think it was more the idea of the trip that intrigued her. Not the actual roughing it, backpacking all over.
Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
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So what do we do?
We smile and laugh and share photos of our daughters, our babies far away but close to our hearts. No, I don’t exactly know where my daughter is but my love and hopes are with her. She wasn’t interested in me having the location app on her phone but it was worth a try.
I think the best we can do is to let our kids know that they are loved as they grow up. Raise them using ample amounts of trust and honesty. Let them know that we want them to be happy, kind and do good things because we know they are capable of it.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: Do you know where your children are? How do you cope?
