Friendships are an integral part of our lives going back to the first friends we had living in the same house, our siblings. Or maybe cousins or other people like the friends of our parents that came across our paths. Later, it would be the other children at pre-school. The ones we learned to take or share toys with. Push, bite, hug, chase around the playground. We practiced how to interact with other human beings.
Some of us are lucky enough to still be in contact with our friends from kindergarten (yeah Facebook), kids from the neighborhood, youth groups or summer camp. Sometimes, we make friends from grade school, junior high school, high school, or college. Perhaps work friends or people with hobbies in common or professional groups.
A few weeks ago I wrote a blog post about reconnecting with old friends. Especially this time of year. Now let’s talk about the flip side of that same coin…
When to break up with a friend.
People move in and out of our lives all the time. The challenge is to know which friends to let go of and which to keep. Relationships can be nurturing and loving or harmful and toxic. Let’s not forget all the gray areas in between. Being with people can lift you up or bring you down. Dynamics can change and jealousy or circumstances can bring you together or pull you apart. I talk about this a lot with clients during coaching sessions.
It can be an event that makes you closer or divides you. There have been a few times that I have been unable to continue a friendship because an act that is so thoughtless hurt me to my core. The friendship wasn’t new. It was strong and deep and a decade long. We had shared many meals and events and our children grew up together. I had been generous with my time and limited resources. There was a lot of love. Early morning airport pickups and hospital runs. Hugs and laughter.
Then over an event my partner’s kids and I were invited to, I participated in the pre-event festivities. It was a lovely event. The day after, I was told by text in no uncertain terms that I had not given enough money.
I was humiliated and heartbroken and hurt to the core.
I wrote a check I couldn’t afford. Then I questioned a few people who maybe knew better than I did about the etiquette of the situation. One person after another agreed with me. My partner was angry and upset for me.
A few weeks later, I visited their home and we talked about the incident. And said some of the right things but I continued to feel so bad and so hurt that I couldn’t continue the relationship with the same generous open spirit. The friendship has never been the same. Sometimes, it’s one event. Sometimes it’s an erosion or an unevenness in participation.
And we need to keep ourselves safe emotionally, even from people that we care about and call friends. (Tweet it!)
Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
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So how to tell when it’s time to break up with a friend?
5 simple rules:
1. When jokes or comments are constantly made at your expense.
Or you are embarrassed in public. And the phrase just kidding keeps being said. It is often a passive-aggressive situation. This isn’t a friend but someone who uses you as a human comic punching bag putting you down to make themselves feel better.
2. They are undependable.
Forgetting important events or plans. Doesn’t make you a priority or continually makes other plans even after you have confirmed a date or get together. Sorry, I’m double booked. Everyone is busy and your time is equally important. If you feel you are being taken for granted you probably are.
3. Someone you feel like you have to chase to get in touch with them.
You are always calling and always making plans. If you didn’t you would never see them at all. There are friendships that you value and this might be the price but you have to decide if reciprocity is important to you or not. If it doesn’t bother or worry you then don’t count this person out if you enjoy their company in spite of being the plans maker all the time.
4. Someone who is completely self-centered.
Or self-focused and only uses you as a sounding board or to complain to or dump on. Yes, we all have difficult times when things are all about us but it can’t be that way all the time. Friendship should be a give and take, not a take and take and take.
5. Do you feel supported by your friends?
Do they make you feel good to be with them? And do they tell you the truth and have your back? Or do you feel like you have to defend yourself and be guarded about what you tell them? It’s all about trust. When you invest yourself in another human being you need to know there is a level of trust. If not, they are not good for you.
A good rule to remember is that a friend keeps your secrets, they see you and take your side and tell you the truth. You feel better when you talk to them and spend time with them. They are not a burden but a blessing.
This year give yourself the gift of people who lift you up and not bring you down. To have good friends you have to be a good friend. If you find you need a little extra help, reach out.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: Do you have any friendships that might not lift you up anymore? Is it time to break up with that friend?
