Almost every single one of my clients asks at some point, “Why is it so hard to be alone?”
But I think this question is confusing. Most of all my clients have chosen to end a relationship that was destructive to their self-esteem, their self-worth, their children, or their physical body. Some are left by a thoughtless, self-centered narcissist. And although they’re emotionally devastated, they know in their hearts that it’s better for this negative, soul-sucking influence to be out of their lives.
On modern loneliness
Loneliness is an epidemic in our fast-paced, technologically obsessed world. Text messages are convenient and quick, but they can’t take the place of a real connection to a real person, in the flesh. Even the telephone has been replaced by email, WhatsApp, Facebook, iMessage, or any number of other apps that don’t allow you to hear the person’s voice or tone or inflection. Evolutionarily, we can only handle between 100-200 friends, acquaintances, and colleagues. So if you have 1,000 people on your Facebook page, who are your friends and what kind of friends are they? There is something soothing and magical about a face-to-face conversation. There are countless studies on the subject. As social beings, we need the real interaction. So the real questions are:What are you lonely for? And why is being alone so hard? (Tweet it!)
As survivors of divorce, are we lonely for the intimacy that a partner provides? Is it the physicality of being in a partnership? The sex? Having someone to cook for or someone to cook for you? Drilling down on the need that is not being met is a better way to answer this question. Are we lonely or alone because we spend so much time keeping up on social media that we have lost the connections with the real people in our lives?On being alone
Yes, being alone is hard. Intimacy takes time to create. I don’t suggest you jump back into a relationship or have breakup sex. Just examine what you are feeling. We need people. Loneliness can be alleviated by calling a friend and actually meeting face to face. So this week, ask one of your geographically close friends to have a drink or a coffee or see a movie and see if that makes you feel less lonely. At our core, we are tribal people and we are interdependent and interconnected to the people around us. Try getting of the internet and really connecting.How to cope
And when do we feel the loneliest? In 12-step recovery programs, the HALT method is applied when one is more likely to lapse into addictive behavior.- Hungry
- Angry
- Lonely
- Tired
