Mentoring happiness.
Are you rolling your eyes? Asking yourself how anyone can mentor happiness? Come on, you can be honest. That eye rolling can keep us cynical and separate. Above it all, right?
I used to roll my eyes all the time when I read something or heard something or saw something I thought was ridiculous. There was no lack of internal snide comments. They made encore appearances when I was feeling especially uncomfortable, feeling ‘other’, or simply, left out.
We as human beings are instinctively fearful of being left out. Historically, it has helped us to be biologically programmed to be part of a group, so a saber-toothed tiger wouldn’t eat us. (Please, no emails or comments about how our Homo-species and Saber-toothed Tigers may not have ever lived together.) The point is, we are programmed to live in groups. In groups, there is inherently conflict.
Thinner, Smarter, Richer
I used to think “if only I were thinner, slightly smarter, made more money, did even more for people” that the demons would go away. They didn’t. So, I started to think about what I wanted. It felt selfish, yet always freeing. Now I help other people to find their happiness.
There’s a delicate balance between getting along in a group or being subservient to that group. It is a struggle that many of us wage all our lives, starting with the family we are born into. (Tweet it!)
The prism that colored my life was about pleasing people. If I did things for people or was the child no one had to worry about, then they would like me or love me and I wouldn’t feel so alone, so other, so out there & unprotected.
Eventually, this weight of pleasing people almost smothered me. I realized through a series of grave life events, dissolution of marriage, death of a parent, my own health issues that pleasing everyone else and not myself was not sustainable or healthy for me or the people I loved.
Happiness is a choice. That is what I believe.
Just get started
Procrastination is a choice. It can be used as a resting stop or momentary stress reliever. Hopefully, that moment allows you to enter into a difficult task, conflict, or some kind of unpleasantness. When taken to the extreme, procrastination can be used to avoid happiness.
It doesn’t feel like that at the time. It just feels like avoiding something difficult or painful. We get stuck in the old paradigm of our lives, letting our squirrel brain take over. And we get back on that exercise wheel, reenacting a pattern in the same manner as we did yesterday and the day before and the year before that. We stay in relationships that are not good for us. And we stay in a work situation that isn’t positive or nurturing. Breaking out of a cycle of stress and depression takes a leap of faith and some help.
Are you ready to live a happier life?
I don’t mean you will wake up every day and jump out of bed singing (unless you want to, in which case, go for it.)
I mean, start letting go of what you think you should be doing and start spending more time doing those things you want to be doing. That feeling of contentment, a few minutes here and there, when you are finally experiencing the present moment. That blissful feeling of enjoying whatever it is going on in your life.
One of my clients was beating his head against the wall trying to make a relationship work that didn’t have a chance. He felt anxious, misunderstood, and trapped. When we examined what he really wanted, he realized that this relationship of fighting, apologizing, and bending to someone else’s will wasn’t working for him, yet it was familiar.
He let it go. And it was a relief. He still wants a companion and special someone in his life but one who appreciates who he is, without shoving him in someone else’s mold.
Slow down
My role wasn’t to impart some big secret truth of the universe. It was to get him to slow down. Allow him to recognize the patterns in his choices. Slowly he realized that ‘very familiar’ doesn’t mean ‘very good’ or even ‘positive’.
men·tor- An experienced and trusted advisor. adviser, guide, confidant, confidante, counselor, consultant
Another of my clients was so angry at her ex-husband that she stopped living her own life. She couldn’t experience joy and vowed never to be happy again. The problem as I saw it was that she didn’t exist in a vacuum. Her children were being negatively impacted by the big black cloud of misery which she was carrying around. Finally, she came to me, worried about one of her children.
As it turned out, this worrying behavior was mirroring his mother and her behavior. He loved his father and was very confused about what was happening.
After some very uncomfortable conversations and work, she realized that she wasn’t really angry. She was deeply hurt. It was a breakthrough which allowed us to work through this together. She stopped stalking her ex on Facebook and stopped using her kids as her sounding board. She isn’t quite ready to date but her kids are much happier and she has started to enjoy life a bit more.
Together
Are you ready to be mentored towards happiness? Send me an email or a quick message and we can discuss.
Remember, we all deserve to be happy.
Be kind to yourself.
