“Fake it ‘til you make it.”
“Put your game face on.”
“Never let them see you sweat.”
Now, I’m not saying that you should fake happiness as you endure the grief and anguish of a separation or divorce. But if I learned anything from my own divorce, showing your guts to the whole world isn’t the best way to ease the pain.
Private grief is safer grief. Grief that is meaningful — because your relationships are meaningful even when they end.
The trick is not to turn all that angst inward. We are all guilty of that. I remember asking myself, “Why can’t I keep this relationship together? What’s wrong with me?”
During and after my divorce, I was my own worst critic. (Tweet it!)
As it turned out, nothing was wrong with me. The relationship had run it’s course and I wasn’t willing to spend the time fixing something that was just broken. I would not have survived that in an recognizable way. I would have given up who I was to be somewhere I couldn’t thrive.
But I did feel less than enough.
Who hasn’t felt like they weren’t enough? Not enough to stay married, or get that promotion, or make a lot of money. Add a separation or divorce in the mix, and it adds another thick layer of insecurity.
Read a magazine, watch a tv show, stream a movie. They’re full of perfect looking people doing and saying perfect things with perfect lives and perfect teeth. It’s not reality.
Facebook is the good face of your friends and acquaintances. The best of every day and every event. Pictures can and are photoshopped. Everyone puts their best face forward there, but it’s not real.
We get these messages every day from the outside world. We would be happier if we were thinner, richer, drank that vodka or that beer. Drove that car or vacationed at a certain resort. Getting divorced only exaggerates that feeling of inadequacy.
I questioned myself constantly. “Why can’t I keep my marriage together when so many other people can?”
And even though I wasn’t happy in my marriage, I realized that being part of a couple, and then separating and divorcing, left me with a new and often uncomfortable existence. I no longer had a spouse. Part of identity was gone.
Feeling vulnerable, insecure and untethered was my day-to-day at first. It took me months to feel even a little like myself again. I was a mess. It was almost impossible to get through the day. Although my children were my anchor, social situations were uncomfortable and some of the people I spoke to just wanted the dirt on my situation. They weren’t interested in my wellbeing at all.
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Dealing with the social anxiety
During the end of my marriage and divorce, I went to many events by myself. People would ask where my husband was, and I would say “travelling” or “had another event” or would just smile and shrug. Once we separated, sometimes it was awkward and uncomfortable, painfully so. I chose carefully what events I attended and to whom I spoke. It was my story and I was careful with whom I shared it. And having a rehearsed answer was a great help.
“Hi, how are you?” holding my arm and looking in my eyes expectantly.
“Doing well thanks.”
“It must be really hard for you”
“I’m doing okay, thanks for asking.” *Patting their arm and walking away*
It’s a good feeling. I developed other rituals to help me get through any kind of interaction. I rehearsed scenarios and after some time, things got easier.
We all have rituals that make us feel more comfortable.
We’re all insecure
Successful CEO billionaires are insecure. I just finished reading Shoe Dog written by Phil Knight, the man who started NIKE. The book was about the journey of his early life and how NIKE came to be. It wasn’t easy, and there were many moments when he was on the edge but he persevered. He also was in debt up to his eyeballs and had no idea where the next infusion of cash was coming from.
Not everyone deserves or needs to hear your story. Be particular about who you let in. In our culture of oversharing, think about it first. Find the people that will be positive in your recovery and talk to them.
Don’t look for the people that have always been critical of you to all of a sudden understand your pain, your plans, or why you feel insecure. While building up your strength and re-inventing yourself, be cautious and careful.
Be a little protective of the new and better “you” that’s emerging.
Now over to you: Who have you chosen to share your divorce story with?
1 Comment
I shared my truth in poetry readings and with lovers who helped me realize I was still desirable and attractive and helped me find my footing. Everyone else got the smiling mask.
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