If you are currently at home due to this global crisis, then you might be challenged. Here are 5 work from home tips to keep your spirit and sanity intact.
Continue reading5 Work-From-Home Tips to Keep Your Spirit & Sanity Intact
5 ways to allow yourself a mental health day
I don’t remember when the first time I heard the term “mental health day” was but I thought it was a great idea. When I was young and single and living in San Francisco, I prided myself on never taking vacation days or sick days and pretty much worked all the time.
By the time I was a parent and my kids were in school six days a week, I realized that every once in a while, they needed a day at home. Six days a week is a lot of days to get up and get organized and get out the door to school. Especially for little people who get tired and need unstructured time to play.
When was the last time you did something just for fun? It rained a bit this morning. Well, sprinkled actually. I stood outside feeling each drop on my face and took a deep breath. I remember standing outside in the rain with my sister in a parking lot once watching a brilliant rainbow form into the deep jewel tones and then begin to fade after a few minutes. People stopped their cars and asked us if we needed anything or were okay. I laughed because at that moment I was all perfectly okay.
Check in on yourself
What I often suggest during sessions with my clients when they are deep in an emotional downpour is to stop and try to notice things around them. Get out of their own heads for awhile.
What triggered this darkness?
When did they begin to feel unwell, or stressed or anxious?
Were there certain people or events that triggered their downward spiral?
Was it a series or cluster of things?
With these simple questions, we can sometimes pinpoint the moment when things were okay to when they were no longer okay. It can be an event that happened years earlier or something that happened yesterday. And when a trigger can be acknowledged and recognized it no longer has the same power or can be avoided in the future.
It’s all about recognition of patterns that are negative and disrupting or discarding those patterns and the development of newer healthier patterns. In practical terms what does that mean?
If you are so wound up in your stress or sadness or circumstance that you can’t see anything beyond it it’s time for you to take a mental health day.
Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2020 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
Here are 5 ways to allow yourself to take a mental health day
1. Breathe.
It’s time to take a deep breath. Take a minute to try and gain some perspective on the situation. If a minute isn’t long enough, take an hour.
2. Change your environment.
Go outside. Get out of the house or the office. Wherever you are feeling trapped or anxious, move. When my own anxiety was crippling, I opened the curtains and let the light in. It doesn’t fix anything but it can make you feel more hopeful. Listen to some music, a podcast, watch a brain candy movie or television show. Anything you can do to change what you see.
3. Get off your own back.
Get out of your own way. I have a friend who used to say “Get off the soapbox we need the wood.” What that means is take a step outside your own story or situation and try to look at it from another perspective. Sometimes people get trapped in their own victimhood and cannot move.
4. Give yourself permission to not be okay for a while.
I have heard clients say, “I am so blessed. I shouldn’t be so unhappy, so sad, so anxious.” Why not? Life is messy and complicated and stressful. Step away for as long as you need to, to get out of the funk that is bringing you down. Is there an event you have been dreading to attend? Don’t go. Give yourself permission to say no.
5. Ask for help.
I know this is a big one and many people have trouble asking. Personally, I didn’t learn how to ask for help until I had a tumor on my brain removed and got PTSD. I had to ask for help. And now I help other people. If we would listen more closely, people offer to help all the time, we just don’t listen. You know that song, “No man is an island, no man stands alone”? The words may be silly but it doesn’t make it any less true.
No one can do this life alone. At least not do it well. It’s too complicated and there is too much sadness and sorrow and stress to do alone. If you are overwhelmed delegate if possible. If you let people know you are in distress sometimes they will surprise and help you to feel better.
Permission granted to do whatever you need to do to feel better. It’s not embarrassing to be human. We are imperfect.
Striving for perfection is a great way to feel bad about not achieving it. (Tweet it!)
Admitting your humanity is a good way forward. Towards better mental health. Take a day.
And if you need someone to talk to I am here to help.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: I encourage you to check in on yourself. Are you ok? Do you need a mental health day?
How to remain intact through your divorce
After my divorce, it was an attractive thought to curl up in a ball and stay in bed, mourning the marriage that was. It wasn’t that I didn’t know that I would ultimately be better off, it was the fear of the unknown that enwrapped me. Above all, I had two teenage children living with me who deserved support and stability. I found these five strategies very helpful. Hope you will too.
Here is how to remain intact through your divorce
1. Understand that grieving is a process.
Give yourself time.
A divorce is a loss. There will be strong feelings. Try not to turn them inward by assigning blame or blaming yourself. Be gentle with yourself.
Feelings are not like light switches and you cannot turn them on or off like the light over the kitchen table. Speak with people that you trust. Probably your former mother-in-law is not the best choice to confide in. Your friends, family, or a professional is your best direction.
Wallowing is appropriate, especially after a long relationship. There may be feelings of relief mixed with sadness. This is normal and your feelings matter. Let them be felt. By acknowledging them, you can move at your own pace and take time to figure out what moving on even means to you.
2. Young children cannot be your support system.
I’m all for being strong when kids are around. It’s okay to let them know you are hurting but your inability to cope will scare them. It is better not to depend on them for support as they often think they are to blame for a break-up. Let them know that’s not the cause and your burden is not there’s.
Seeking professional help for children or allowing them to express their feelings is really important. There are books for kids about divorce which are specifically age appropriate. Let your family doctor or pediatrician know what’s going on, they’ll be able to support you as well, by assisting with stress-related recommendations or resources.
If children begin to show signs of depression such as not eating, trouble sleeping, or a sadness that is present all the time, reach out. Under no circumstances make them pick sides. (Tweet it!)
3. Know where you stand, property and otherwise.
This may be one of the most important challenges when a marriage or relationship breaks up. It doesn’t speak to the emotions but does give you a place to start rebuilding. That means understanding the finances of your current situation.
How much property do you own? How about stocks, bank accounts, securities etc. The more informed you are, the better decision you can make. It will help explain your situation to a lawyer or mediator. Remember, a mediator just wants a signed document and don’t always have your best interests in mind.
You need to be up to speed on all things financial which affect your family going forward. Knowledge is power. It is always a good idea to contact an accountant, lawyer, or another financial professional for at least a consultation so you will know your rights and have the facts.
52 ways to move towards joy after divorce
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4. Plan for the future. What do you want?
What do you want? Seems like an easy question to answer, but it’s not. Like many people, you have probably subverted your wants and needs for the good of the family. You’ve adapted yourself to please your former spouse and now is the time to explore what it is that you want.
If the question is too daunting to answer all at once, think of it in a time frame or smaller fragments of time. For now, the next hour or perhaps the next month or year.
Have you always wanted to go back to school? Change careers? Go back to work? Travel? There is great freedom and satisfaction in trying to figure this out. Is there a hobby that you used to enjoy and no longer spend time doing? Play guitar, learn Spanish, bake pastries?
Make a plan and make yourself a priority.
5. Get the help you need during this transition.
When I was going through my divorce, I found writing tremendously helpful. I asked myself some hard questions and developed exercises to really get to the heart of the issues I was dealing with.
Then I returned to writing and shared a myriad of emotions with the page in front of me. I find writing to be especially therapeutic and unburdening. It was a powerful tool which helped me reconnect with my emotional self.
This writing, connecting, and unburdening left me with a roadmap. A general guide that anyone can follow through their divorce in order to gain closure and move towards a fulfilling life.
Over time I have developed this interactive guide to include stories, poems, thought exercises, and stimulating coloring pages which help your mind wander in a focused frame.
This interactive guide will help you with finding a way to get in touch with yourself. Whether through writing, baking, jogging, or any form of creativity, it is more important than you may realize. And before you say you are not creative, I assure you, in your own special way, you are creative.
Think of yourself and see what makes you happy, what gets you excited, and what are you simply not ready to try yet?
Now over to you. What have you done which helped you remain intact through the stages of divorce? Where are you in your journey and if you could go back, what would you tell yourself?
Be kind to yourself.
5 ways to make sure you are grateful on the day of Thanksgiving
Holidays are stressful at the best of times. But this year may be more stressful that most.
Perhaps your kids have moved away or are spending Thanksgiving with the in-laws, or taking the long weekend to travel. Maybe you have lost a parent this year and the event will feel more sad than glad. Could you be out of a job or newly-divorced? Being alone or lonely during the holidays for the first time in years adds a whole new element of pressure.
How do we let some of the pressure go? We open the lid!
Here are my top 5 strategies for promoting self-care during your first Thanksgiving you spend alone.
1. Lower your expectations
Part of the disappointment surrounding the holidays comes from having unrealistic expectations that this year will be better or different than years before. In my coaching experience people I work with grow and become happier and more self confident and then walk back into a situation where they are not seen or heard and it causes distress.
If you know that the Holidays turn into a political shouting match where people drink too much, are unkind, or storm out running over your feelings in the process, give it a pass this year.
But really, it’s about being grateful. And it just a day. It’s a meal where everyone eats too much and relaxes far too little. And when our expectations are not too high we sometimes are pleasantly surprised by the outcome.
2. Be open to or create new traditions
One of my clients has had a terrible Thanksgiving tradition for more than two decades. He dreads it every year. He goes to the same family event and for reasons that have nothing to do with him, he is miserable. So this year we can up with a plan for him to have the Thanksgiving that he has always wanted.
He is really excited and the food will be delicious and anyone lucky enough to join him and his partner will be in for a treat.
Thanksgiving is one day a year and the weekend can be shared. If Thanksgiving has never been important to you, don’t make it important now. If it is important, then try to share or trade off years with ex’s, in-laws, and friends. No one solution works for every family. If you and your ex are on good terms, you might have the dinner together. At least the first year after your break up. It will give your children continuity even if you and your ex are uncomfortable. And I think all parents will agree: their children’s comfort is always more important than their own.
When I was younger, I spent a long weekend with a dear friend whose parents were divorced. The first meal was with her father and his new wife at noon. Everything was puréed and no sugar added. I was starving and ate my fill of the less-than stellar spread. But my friend neglected to warn me to save room for her Mom’s gourmet Thanksgiving dinner later in the day!
That’s one way to do it. Negotiation is key. And no matter how angry or hurt you are, remember that you loved this person once or are related to them. Try to offer them the kindness and common courtesy you would give a total stranger.
3. Give yourself a break
Thanksgiving is usually a family holiday. But maybe your family totally stresses you out. Just because you’re related to these people doesn’t mean you have to spend Thanksgiving with them. Your family loves you but that doesn’t give them an open forum to expound on your perceived mistakes or shortcomings. It is your choice to be somewhere else.
And if the turkey has been served at your house every year for the past twenty years, take a year off. You’re allowed a break. Let someone else plan, cook, and serve the dinner. And if you do attend, make sure people know that your personal life is not on the menu.
4. Make alternative plans
It is the beginning of the holiday season. Decide how you want to spend it this year. There are so many people in need. Why not volunteer at a soup kitchen instead? Many charities, churches, synagogues, and other community groups have a great need for help during the holidays. Retirement facilities would greatly appreciate someone willing to be there during the long Thanksgiving weekend as well. Sometimes focusing your energy outwards is the key to ending the constant self criticism.
If volunteering is too big a leap for you, how about attending someone else’s holiday meal? Community Thanksgiving meals are common. Find out what’s going on in your town!
5. Attend a friend’s holiday meal
Most hosts would love to have another pair of adult hands assist them. And other peoples’ family dysfunction isn’t nearly as awkward, painful, or stressful as the one you were born into. It might even be way more entertaining. The food might be better too.
When people begin talking holiday plans at work, let them know you need a place to be.
Let your friends know with a phone call, Facebook, or email that you are looking for a place to hang your hat on Thanksgiving. People can be awkward and if you want to be invited you should tell them … they often don’t know if inviting you is what you want. So make your intentions clear. Make this Thanksgiving what you want it to be.
And if you need someone to help you through this difficult time of year, sign up for a call with me to see if we might be a good fit working together.
Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2019 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
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And never stop reminding yourself: Thanksgiving is one day. (Tweet it!)
24 hours. A Thursday in November. You are not in fourth grade and this isn’t a classmates’ birthday party. Figure out where you want to be. And if staying home in your sweatpants with a turkey sandwich while binge watching Netflix is where you want to be … more power to you! And if you happen to have Halloween candy left even better.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: What are your plans for the Holiday season? Is there anything you’re dreading?
