5 powerful words you should exclude from your vocabulary

Words have tremendous power to hurt or heal. And when used on ourselves or repeated internally because someone once said them to us, it is not a good enough reason to have such a negative internal dialogue. These are the words I am trying to eradicate from my internal/external vocabulary.

JUDGEMENT

Unless you are a sitting court judge on the bench, you shouldn’t be spending your precious time judging other people. Evolutionarily we judged other beings to keep ourselves safe. Big hairy guy with spear running your direction might not be friendly and you should turn around and run. That kind of judgement could save your life but in most cases we don’t need that kind of judgement anymore. Judging other people still comes from fear but not necessarily fear for our lives. Fear of not measuring up. Fear of difference. Or fear of other. It is so much easier to dismiss someone different. Or to compartmentalizing them as a non-person but an outfit, a pair of shoes, skin color, hair style, music choice, or political party affiliation. These little snap judgements isolate us as human beings. Next time you hear that judgey voice stream across your brain, take a moment, take a breath, and let that feeling go. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Believe or not it’s a basic tenant of a lot of religions out there. It takes practice not to give in to that superior/inferior vibe. Try to put yourself in the other person’s place for a minute and be less harsh with your fellow human beings. Even if you never say it out loud. This one takes practice. The younger more fearful me used to say, “God gave me judgement to use it to be judgmental.” Charming right?

COMPARING

Have you ever compared yourself to someone and felt better? Has your comparison made you feel less than or not good enough? Did it start in childhood? Is it hard for you to celebrate other people’s wins? Do you feel excluded even when whatever is going on doesn’t have anything to do with you? Stop comparing. We are all so different. And blessed in many ways. My children just took a trip together and had a marvellous time. Of course, they documented it on Facebook and Instagram. Other parents came up to me and felt they had to tell me that their kids don’t get along very well. Or they looked wistful and said they wished that their kids had a different relationship. These interactions left me feeling a little sad. Why? Because all these parents were feeling bad somehow because my kids who fought like wild animals when they were young had a nice experience together. They have grown up to be good friends. Somehow this left other parents feeling lacking. STOP COMPARING. Next time you feel like she has, or they have, or I don’t have, stop and take a breath and feel grateful for what you do have. Maybe be happy for someone else who has something you don’t. But it doesn’t matter. Maybe it isn’t important. Life is hard enough without constant comparing. There will always be someone out there with more (subjectively) or less (subjectively) than you have. It’s a universal truth.

Stop beating yourself up for what you don’t have and try to be grateful for what you have. (Tweet it!)

It’s a mind shift, and it will make you feel better if you let it.

PERFECT

A search for perfection is a race never won. Nothing is perfect, and no one is perfect. Chasing perfection is like a dog chasing his tail. Never will catch it and if he does then what? According to you tube these silly sweet puppies fall over, cry out in pain when they bite their own tails and start doing all over again. Perfect can keep you from doing anything. I’ll do it when I lose five-ten-50 pounds. If I can’t do it perfectly then I’m not doing it at all. How many times has it stopped you? Have you thrown a party only to be so exhausted by the effort that you don’t enjoy the festivities? I have done that. Thanksgiving for 30. I prepared for days. When guests arrived, I could barely smile and I couldn’t wait for them to leave. Life isn’t school, and no one is grading you. I have taught so many students over the years who wasn’t happy with an 89 even though they only needed an 80 to continue with their studies. They couldn’t enjoy their accomplishments because it wasn’t good enough. Not perfect. My friend and mentor Sam Bennett talks about getting a “C” and just get it out there. She was talking about creative work, but it could have meant just about anything. Sometimes now I get a “C” and it’s okay, better than okay, I keep moving forward. And my guess is most of the “C’s” we get are kind of like most people’s “A’s”.

CAN’T

Okay, so you can’t fly because you don’t have wings, but you could hang glide or skydive. That’s almost flying. And if you are using words like “can’t” because it’s something you haven’t done before – how do you know you can’t? Because you are female? Because you might not have succeeded in the past? Or because you are too old? Too young? You don’t really know you can’t. Do you? In my forties I went back to school to get a master’s degree. I had been a good student 20+ years earlier, but I was petrified that first day of class. Mom of two by then but I was so nervous I was sick to my stomach before the first class began. Puked my guts out, rinsed my mouth out and walked into the first class. Yep I was the oldest person there. Older than the instructor but I deserved to be there, and I was going to get everything out of this class I could. Do you use can’t because you don’t want to do something? Are you afraid to hurt people’s feelings? Is no not a word you are comfortable with? Follow your first impulse, thank the person or organization for thinking about you, and say maybe next time. We only get one life and our days should be filled with many more want to’s than have to’s.

FAILURE

Are you defining yourself as a failure? Have you lost a war? Caused a citywide blackout? So, why use the word failure? Did you try something new that you were not entirely successful with? Are you a parent, co-worker, husband, wife, divorced? Is anyone else except that nasty voice inside your head calling you a failure? So, stop it! Okay? The messages we get from the media are generally negative. If you don’t weigh 100 pounds, own a jet, or make billions of dollars does that make you a failure? No and no and no. Stop giving in to old messages that you have internalized since the third-grade spelling bee. So, you don’t spell well. Big deal. That’s what spell check is for, right? Have you been divorced a couple times? I applaud your optimism for continuing to believe in happily ever after. No one gets through this life unscathed. Are there things you wish you had done differently? Okay. We learn and grow and try not to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Have you yelled at your children? Your parents? Traffic? Forgotten a birthday or anniversary? Congratulations, you are human!

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My point is

Words are powerful. They can be helpful or hurtful. Why would we use the negative ones on ourselves over and over? Give yourself the credit for overcoming challenges, showing up, being a kind person. And next time you feel yourself start to get angry take a breath and let it pass. Be kind to yourself. Now over to you: Do you agree? What words have been hurtful to you?

Birthdays and my new super powers

I am celebrating my birthday this week. Not a big birthday. No round numbers like a 0 or a 5. Not a milestone birthday that would launch me into a new decade or signal my retirement. Not a prime number as it is divisible by 19.33 and 3.05. An ordinary number for an ordinary birthday.

People always ask what someone wants for their birthday. It’s an odd question really unless you are eight years old.

What do I want for my birthday? Let’s see… I don’t need anything, not really. It is a treat to spend time with my kids and my friends but other than that. A walk on the beach. Some rain in the forecast.

Then some people press on… “No, really. What do you want?” So then my requests get more difficult and larger. It’s what I really want. There is not so much in between.

This is what I want

Peace on earth if that isn’t too much trouble. Treating women with equality and dignity. Ending all the armed conflicts. Making sure all children have access to good food, clean water, safe shelter, and an education. Definitely an education.

The power to help make any of these things happen. To help effect change. So by this point, my well-meaning friends are rolling their eyes, and I get that. I was just trying to answer the question.

My Dad turned 84 last week. What did he get for his birthday? A trip to the emergency room and a new pacemaker. That is a sucky gift but the fact that he is alive and is in pretty good shape is a nice gift for me and my siblings and everyone that knows him.

How cool would it be if we were assigned super powers for our birthdays? Flying, that would be great. I have spent a fair amount of time in airports this summer and to skip that whole experience would be great.

I wish I could fly without the assistance of an airplane. Wings would be kind of cool. The extra width on top would make up for my widening middle section. Hell, I wish I could read without my glasses. That’s not possible anymore either. Still, all in all I am doing okay.

My new super powers

Just recently, to my shock and surprise, I have discovered a new super power.

It doesn’t come with an invisible plane like Wonder Woman. Or an invisibility cloak like Harry Potter. In fact there are no cool gadgets attached at all. There isn’t even an on and off switch.

Don’t be jealous. It is the power of stealth. Maybe it would be helpful if I were a spy. It’s a power that we all acquire at one time or another. As we age though it, it may become a permanent thing. So at 50 plus you become invisible to anyone under the age of 25. Maybe even anyone under the age of 30.

I saw a sketch about getting older once on the Amy Schumer show or comedy central and it resonated with me. It was about women aging out of parts in Hollywood. The one example that was brought up was Sally Field playing Tom Hanks love interest in Punchline and then 6 years later in Forrest Gump playing his elderly mother.

Was her aging process accelerated in those six years?

So, Amy is wandering through the woods. She comes out into the light and three women all stars for decades are laughing and toasting one another and having some sort of celebratory lunch. The table is laden with all kinds of high calorie goodies.They revel in the fact that Julia doesn’t have to maintain her body anymore as Hollywood has decided that she is done being desirable. Tina Fey, toasts Julia Louis Dreyfus last f**kable day as an actress.

The point that men don’t have this issue was made very clearly. So, as people, do we all age out of being considered attractive, sexy, relevant or interesting? I think things are changing for the better but the fact that beauty and relevance have expiration dates is disheartening.

The flip side of all this invisibility is I see myself more clearly than I ever have. I am more comfortable with the things I cannot do and try to focus on the things I can do. My ability to concentrate has increased and I recently worked toward a certification online in Positive Psychology. I heard one of the professors do a TED Talk about grit and followed her back to the source. It was exciting and I felt proud learning something new.

And I am beginning to believe that I may have also acquired another super power along the way that is much more useful. Wisdom.

A Definition of wisdom

The ability to discern inner qualities and relationships: insight.
The ability to use good judgement and make the correct or appropriate decision in difficult or challenging situations.
Accumulated philosophical or scientific learning: knowledge.
A wise attitude, belief, or course of action.

My children ask me things all the time and I can answer with some sort of reasonable explanation and they are kind of surprised. “Mom, how do you know that?” I shrug my shoulders because I can’t really answer them and sometimes it’s a little embarrassing to come up with this stuff out of thin air. Well not really thin air but out of years and years of experiences, living, and being alive.

If the superpower of invisibility comes with wisdom then that’s okay.

And every birthday we get to celebrate is a gift. (Tweet it!)

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What is your super power?

5 Ways to Cope When You Have Been Thrown Under the Bus

5 ways to cope when you have been thrown under the bus

“To throw (someone) under the bus” is an idiomatic phrase in American English meaning to betray a friend or ally for selfish reasons. It is typically used to describe a self-defensive disavowal and severance of a previously-friendly relationship when the relation becomes controversial or unpopular.

And I would add here someone is under tremendous pressure and want to let it out in some less than productive way.

Yesterday I got thrown under the bus at work. I was surprised and disappointed as it was someone I know well and respect their professionalism. Well… Until yesterday.

Being an educator can be challenging

College campuses are not easy places to work. There are many different tiers of tenure and people who lecture/teach hourly can get pushed around a lot. Some semesters there is more work as enrollment increases. Some semesters, for reasons no one can explain, fewer students apply.

Most of us teach because we really love the students and the teaching. Not for getting rich or chasing the tenure track. You would think that this would create some kind of community when in fact the opposite is sometimes true.

Getting an email from the head of the department late in the evening is usually not a cause for concern. It’s when we catch up. We are all on campus most days and it’s a way to get organized for the next day or bring up things as they happen. Last night I was forwarded an email that called my integrity and judgement into question.

My first reaction was disbelief

I had seen this colleague earlier in the day and although she seemed overwhelmed and stressed I didn’t think it was directed towards me personally. We all handle our own secretarial work and she let me do something quickly before class started. I was appreciative.

My second reaction was anger but it was short-lived as I tried to figure out why this person felt the need to “tell” on me and throw me under the bus like that. Then I figured it was less to do with me and more to do with her situation. Maybe she took on too much. It’s getting near the end of the term and tempers flare. What surprised me the most was that I had hosted this person in my home and tried to be supportive of her when she needed to vent in the past. Or help with other administrative tasks.

A second opinion

I did call another teacher I respect and asked her what she thought of the situation.
We agreed that it was an odd choice not to speak to me directly and we had all agreed earlier in the term about the problem in question.

I calmly wrote a succinct email back to my supervisor and she asked if I wanted her to send my email to the other teacher in question. I said I didn’t think it would help as maybe she just needed to be heard.

Throwing someone under the bus is an act of anger, frustration, or insecurity. It’s not a behaviour of someone who is calm and self confident. It’s a reactionary thing to deflect blame or feel like you are doing something proactive. It could have all been avoided if she had just talked to me.

So what do you do if you have been thrown you under the bus?

Here are 5 ways to cope when you have been thrown under the bus:

1. Climb out from under the bus.

Then dust yourself off and try to figure out what the issue is really about. If you did make a mistake own up to it.

2. Speak calmly and clearly.

Or write. Explain how you see the situation without blaming the other person.

3. Offer a solution.

Try to offer a solution going forward that might take the drama and angst out of the situation.

4. Take personal responsibility if necessary.

And try to avoid confirmation in the future. Some people need that confrontation to feel in the right and in control even if neither is true.

5. Move on.

Some people are not team players and don’t understand how to communicate in a positive productive way. It’s all about how hard they work, how no one appreciates them, and they have no understanding of how their behavior affects other people. Minimize contact and move on.

It isn’t your job to fix someone. Sometimes people can’t hear what you are saying because they are so wrapped up in their own drama and way of looking at the world.

Don’t internalize someone else’s world view.
Try to understand it and then let it go.

It can happen in any work environment. And usually if someone throws people under the bus as a habit it won’t surprise anyone when it happens again. Don’t be a doormat but don’t buy into the drama either.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: When was the last time you got thrown under the bus? How did you cope?

5 ways to make you sleep better fast

Are you one of those people who thinks four hours of sleep is enough? For the clear majority of us that isn’t enough.

There are all sorts of scientific studies that cite the fact that less than five hours of sleep a night is not good for you, your overall health, or longevity. If part of your life plan is to get healthy and stay healthy, sleep must be part of that lifestyle routine.

How do we improve our sleep?

And for many reasons we aren’t sleeping very well or for long enough. So, what do we do? First find out if ‘not sleeping’ is a physical thing. Sleep apnea and other such breathing issues are very serious health conditions and should be treated by physicians and experts in the field.

After ruling out something physical out start thinking about a bedtime routine. To get yourself ready to sleep. Just as we enforce a bedtime routine for the children in our lives, so too should we make our own bedtime routine part of our lives.

One of my favourite moments as a parent was bedtime. Not because my children went to sleep like little angels. Or because I had some quiet time before I dropped exhausted into my own bed. Twilight time was special.

It began with bath time. When the dirty, grimy, sweaty little bodies were clean, and their hair was wet and slicked back and sweet. Dressed in their adorable little kid pyjamas. The lights were dimmed, and books were read. I would sing to them. It didn’t matter what song it was part of the ritual of bedtime.

Our order of things are wrong

As adults we don’t get tucked into bed much. We may get into bed, watch tv, use our laptops, notebooks or smart phones right there in bed with us. It’s no wonder most of us can’t sleep. Or sleep fitfully.

We have the order of things all wrong at the end of the day. We rev up in the evening not down. Trying to get one more thing done. Play one more game of words with friends. Scroll though a couple more Facebook pages. All activities that alert our bodies that it is not time to rest.

There is documented proof that the blue light emitted from phones and televisions and tablets all can keep us awake. So why do we invite them into our bedrooms? I think for many of us we have forgotten the function of the room with the bed in it. Sleeping, resting, or having sex.

There is nothing sexier than trying to get your partner’s attention when they are playing a game on their smartphone. (Tweet it!)

Here are five ways to sleep better fast:

RULE #1 Get the electronics out of your bedroom.

That means everything. Remember alarm clocks? They work great for waking you up and telling the time, and they don’t mess with your circadian rhythms that tell you when it’s time to sleep.

RULE #2 Get into a routine.

Have a bedtime that is as close to the same time every night as you can. Yes, we all have work commitments and social occasions. Deadlines and family time. Bedtime every night at the same time is a suggestion. Make your bed a haven. Keep it clear of clothes. Neaten up the room. If you don’t have energy to do this put everything in a clothes basket and put it outside the door to be dealt with another time.

RULE #3 Make your pre-bedtime as luxurious as possible.

A shower with a soothing scented soap. Some suggestions although the sense of smell is so subjective for each of us. You might try, Lavender, Chamomile, Bergamot, Jasmine, Rose and Sandalwood. Sip tea with the same calming vibe in mind.

RULE #4 Read something interesting.

(Not on your tablet or smartphone). And this needs to have nothing to do with your work. Listen to some music (not from your phone) or a podcast, comedy show, white noise set the mood. Keep lights low and let yourself unwind. If you share a bed or bedroom, try to get your partner to do this with you.

RULE #5 Make lists.

Keep a pad and pen (not your smartphone), and if you are stuck on a thought or making lists in your head of things you didn’t accomplish, write it down. Write a to do list or jot down what’s bothering you. Start bullet journaling and just get those nagging thoughts out of your head, down on paper, and then put it in a drawer or under your bed or turn the pad over on the bedside table.

We do not make good decisions when we are not well rested. Everything is harder to deal with when we are looking through bleary over strained eyes. You deserve a good night’s sleep. Tuck yourself in gently tonight and be kind to yourself. Le me know how it goes.

Now over to you: Can you relate to some of this? What is your best bedtime routine? Let me know in my Facebook community.

 

 

 

 

5 powerful strategies for embracing change late in life

I’ve been thinking a lot about change lately. And about being stuck in a decision we made, or one made for us, and how to move on even if we are pushed back.

Being aged out of day to day parenting. Parents getting older and needing more care. Job changes and relocations.

As much as we want things to stay the same, our lives change in huge and imperceptible ways. The only thing we can count on in this world is change. So why are so many of us resistant to it?

The only thing that is constant is change

We are living longer lives and switching jobs more often. Rethinking our education. Divorce is more common than it ever was before. What happens when we get stuck? Fixed in a point and unable to move forward or move on?

How do you know something isn’t working for you? How do you know it’s time to do something else? What clues do you look for when trying to shift out of immobility?

As a counselor and educator, I see this all the time. People do not have an identified goal. Or the goal has been moved or reinvented and is no longer something they care about, feel passionate about, or even like.

Decisions take time

These decisions take time. Sometimes we don’t know something isn’t working until we are deep into it. We all have a little voice that tells us if something isn’t right for us. And we ignore this voice frequently. My gauge has always been: when the inside pressure is stronger than the outside pressure.

People like to have things neatly pigeonholed. Everything and everyone in their place. It’s a way to make sense of the world. My clients discuss this a lot during our coaching sessions.

But is it time for a change?

Change is not about giving up! The path you chose is not necessarily one based on a decision you made as a teenager. As a generation, there was a great deal of pressure on us to succeed. And to succeed in the traditional sense. School, college, career, marriage and children. And if you deviated from this path? Were you no longer successful?

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I have friends who chose a career path beginning with high school, college, and graduate school. But 30 years later, they’re thinking about retiring from that path and doing something different. I admire their commitment and drive and ability to stay relevant in a world that doesn’t much resemble the one 30 years ago.

This was not my path. I get bored easily. Although I seemed to have all the answers, I only looked like I knew what I was doing. I tried a lot of things. And I got a lot of crap about it.

“You are so good at it, why not stay?”

“Bloom where you are planted.”

I was miserable in a variety of jobs, listening to the advice of people who had never not known what they wanted. So it took me a while to find my way…

I found my path in my 50’s

I am an accomplished dyslexic with a degree in English. And I went back to school in my 40’s and may go back to school in my 50’s. My career has been very diverse. I even worked some temp jobs for a while in my 20’s. This time helped me rule out things I didn’t want to do. I take classes online constantly and have dumped several career paths.

Now at 50, with grown-up kids, I finally figured out what I want to do, even though I have been doing it unofficially all my life: counseling.

Many of my students (I teach English as a second language at a local college) have no idea why they are in school. They have a vague idea about wanting a better life and a higher paying job, but many have no idea why they are studying.

There is also a group of students I teach who are returning to school to get an undergraduate degree after being in the workforce for 5-25 years. This time they know why they are in school and what they want. I think this helps their motivation. Most of these people are married, have kids, and have a career. But they want to further it with a degree.

Maybe you should reconsider

If the thing you are doing or pursuing doesn’t feed your soul, then you are probably doing something that might have to be reconsidered. Not every path is linear. One of the things I do in my practice is help people with change.

I am not telling you to quit your job or commit financial suicide. Paying the bills is a great motivator for staying in a position. If people depend on you to be the provider, then that is something you must take into consideration when deciding. Not the only thing to consider, but an important thing.

Here is a list of 5 things to think about when you need something different in your life.

1. Give yourself permission to check out other options

Either in your field or with something completely different. See what else is out there that might make you a little more positive about moving forward.

2. Give yourself a generous timeline

Say, in six months, I am going to have three options lined up to choose from.

3. Make your new or old passion a hobby

Or do it part time so you can see how it feels. Try it on and see how it fits. If it fits! If it feels like your favorite old sweater or gets your heart and imagination racing, then you have some evidence to base a decision on, right?

4. Reach out to people

People in the industry of job or school you are interested in. Make a call a week. Spend 30 minutes a day searching online. Keep moving until you have reached your destination.

5. Give yourself permission

To quit or suspend your current education until you figure out what you want. Many schools or graduate programs will be okay with you taking a semester off to consider.

Most importantly:

Be patient with yourself and the people in your life. Change is hard, but can be so rewarding (Tweet it!)

And if you need a little guidance through a change, get in touch we’ll set up a call to discuss!

Be kind to yourself!

Now over to you: Have you ever felt like you were stuck? How did you deal with this situation?

 

 

 

 

5 ways not to have a crappy Mother’s Day

I remember standing with a couple of friend’s years ago at a brunch. We had lovely food on small plates in one hand and sparkling wine in the other. Someone walked up and asked the group what we were doing for Mother’s Day. This was a reasonable question as it was the Sunday before Mother’s Day. We all said almost at once “We hate Mother’s Day.”  The person turned and walked away. We looked at one another and smiled and laughed.

Why were we hating on Mother’s Day? The reason was that we no longer had mothers to celebrate Mother’s Day with. All our mothers had died relatively young and it was a very tough holiday. I smile thinking about the memory as our mothers would have been appalled by our rude behavior.

For years after my mother passed away I gave flowers to a favorite aunt until she died. Then a favorite cousin until she died. And honestly, I am running out of people to celebrate with.

Mother’s Day is commercialized

Mother’s Day itself is a relatively new holiday. Although some sort of ritual celebrating mothers can be traced back to the Greeks. The modern version became a permanent holiday by decree in 1914 under President Wilson. Anna Jarvis, a banker and social activist, who was the founder of Mother’s Day, began celebrating the day in 1911. And Anna was instrumental in having it accepted as a national holiday. It was a day to honor and celebrate her own mother. Later in her life, Jarvis was disillusioned by the commercialism of the day.

Imagine, the founder of Mother’s Day grew to dislike it. So, what do we do not to make the day miserable?

Well, my choice would be to spend the day with my kids. I have adult children and have celebrated many Mother’s Days with them. This year they are on an adventure and will be halfway around the world on my day. Therefore, that won’t work.

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Here I give you five recommendations for things you can do to make the day a little special:

1. If your mom is nearby, having a meal together is a nice idea.

If you don’t feel like going to crowded restaurants with harassed waitstaff, takeout from a bagel place or deli counter works and is easier for everyone. Even if you don’t get along with your mother, she did give birth to you. So if a meal is too much or she is too far away, giver her a call, a card, or a coupon for a future meal together.

2. Let go.

Is the relationship with your mother not a close one? If you are angry and have no reason to celebrate, it’s probably time for you to let go of some of that anger and resentment. This is a good day to start trying to believe that people do the best they can with the situation they have at the time. And then, move on. Part of being a grown up is not blaming your parents for things.

3. Remember it’s only a day.

One day out of the year. The hype doesn’t have a lot to do with your relationship with your kids or your mother. It’s a holiday for companies to sell things. Don’t buy into it. Especially If you are feeling blue. Do something wonderful for yourself. If your budget allows and you are inclined, book a spa treatment, take a friend. Do it yourself spa at home. A little selfcare is in order. If that means do yoga, take a walk or binge watch “This is Us”, do that.

4. If your children are young and still at home, encourage them to be part of the celebration of their birth.

Cook together and tell them about where they came from. Obviously, it depends on their age how many details you share. Spend some time without phones, computers, or television, and make whatever time you have special. Make sure you get some of your wants taken care of on this day too. Also, “mommy needs two hours off” isn’t an unreasonable request.

5. Make yourself a plan for the day.

Don’t do errands unless you really want to. It will make you feel good. If someone else’s brunch is a tradition and you don’t want to go, don’t go. Life is about choices and you can chose not to do something you don’t want to do. Listen to some music either live or on the device of your choice. If you want to be alone, do that. And, if you want to be with people, then make that happen.

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Being a mother is the most difficult and most rewarding thing I have ever done. And I don’t need a day on a calendar to commemorate it.(Tweet it!)

It’s a day to celebrate women and what we can do with our miraculous bodies. It’s a day to celebrate the miracle that is birth. Your mother’s birth and yours.

Now over to you: How do you feel about Mother’s Day? Do you celebrate the day?

Be kind to yourself.

5 strategies to help you be a more self-confident parent

5 strategies to help you be a more self-confident parent | Tamara Mendelson

Being a parent is the most difficult and most rewarding job you will ever have. Having children is a perfect way to totally change your lifestyle and to feel overwhelmed all the time.

In my practice, I see worn out, overworked parents under huge pressure from all parts of their lives. We as people and parents need to have some down time to regroup, recover, and continue.

Below are five strategies to help you be a calmer, more peaceful and self-confident parent.

It is vital to talk to your spouse, partner, and other caregivers. You should discuss your basic styles of care and discipline to ensure fewer misunderstandings or blaming each other when stressors appear.

1. Everyone needs a little help now and then. Don’t be afraid to ask for it.

Babysitters can be expensive. And family members are not always around. Even if they are, they may not be available or even interested in helping out. So build a network of people who are nearby to take the pressure off when you need some adult time. Trading time with friends who have kids similar ages is a good way to keep the cost of childcare down. Spending time with your partner or on your own is important.

2. Everyone needs time off now and then. Plan for it and make it count.

Even an hour a week can upgrade your peace of mind if you do something you really look forward to and enjoy. A yoga class for instance? A beer with a friend? Trying out that new vegan food truck downtown with your significant other? There are many things as parents that we sacrifice. Our mental health and wellbeing shouldn’t be one of them. After a bit of me time, we are all better able to cope with the stresses in our lives. Everyone needs a time out and time to play.

3. Perfection is a goal that will only make you miserable. Let it go.

No one is a perfect parent. There are no perfect children. There, I said it. We get mad or feel overwhelmed. Making a concerted effort to be the best you can is all we can expect. Like all relationships, sometimes we learn from trial and error. Having little children choose their own bedtime, for example, isn’t good for anyone. Sometimes our children don’t like the rules we set or the things we ask. And that is fine. We are not meant to be their friends. Children need boundaries and that makes us parents unpopular.

4. Everyone has advice on how you should raise your children. You don’t have to take it or listen.


Free advice is worth exactly that: Nothing. Moreover, advice often comes with an investment or a point of view that may not be in your or your children’s best interest. Saying thank you and ignoring unsolicited advice is an acceptable way to handle these kinds of situations.

Find people who have similar parenting style to you and your partner. No comparing is allowed because each child grows and develops at their own rate. As long as you have checked everything out medically and your child is healthy, then let them be. People lie. Or they don’t remember exactly when their children did what. So don’t listen. Children will walk and talk and be potty trained before first grade. Some sooner and some later. But comparing only produces anxiety, which children feel. One of the best things we can do for our children is to love and support them. Help them develop by taking the pressure off.

5. Trust your intuition.


The yardstick by which people measure if a child is sick or not should be your own. It’s no one else’s business except for your doctor and other trusted advisors. Remember you know your child better than anyone else does. By the time your child is 10, they will have contracted 100 viruses. One of the best indicators of how sick a child is is their temperature and then their temperament.

Some of those viruses will need to be treated with medication, some of them will not. So learn the signs of illness from your own child. Often children misbehave or throw tantrums when they are not feeling well. Depending on their age and communication ability, they may not be able to tell you they are ill. So watch for the signs and have a working thermometer handy.

Immunize your children. We are seeing an increase in diseases that, until recently, had almost entirely been eradicated. Have belief in your own abilities to nurture your children.

A lot of being a parent is showing up and paying attention. Making sure your child feels love even when one of you is angry. (Tweet it!)

No one likes to be criticized or to feel that someone they love is being critical. You can say something one hundred times, showing your child kindness and compassion by example can be more powerful.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

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You are a good parent. The only way to know that is by looking inward. Every parent struggles. And if someone tells you that things are always fine, they are lying. Parenting is hard but it makes you appreciate the little things, even if that little thing is locking yourself in the bathroom with a cup of coffee. Or a hug when you need it the most. And so do they.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What do you think is the hardest and best part about being a parent?