One of the funniest things a divorced friend said to me was about her ex-husband finding someone new. A new significant other. She was in a blue mood and I asked her why. She said,
“99.9% of me is very happy he found someone. It’s the other .1% that hoped he would never get over me.”
I laughed because I could relate to what she said perfectly. It is an awkward and sometimes difficult situation. Add the complication of your teenage children starting to date and it’s awkward times infinity.
Our children were in middle school and high school when we got a divorce. We wanted to present a united front where the kid’s well-being and education was concerned. We continued spending holidays together, celebrated the kid’s birthdays that first year or two, and attended several teacher’s meetings and school events together.
When your ex starts dating after your divorce
Sometime during that first year after our civil divorce became final, my ex started dating. It wasn’t serious, but we live in a smallish town and one of these women had kids attending the same school as our son.
I met her quite by accident one day. We were at my ex’s house on a Saturday having lunch. The doorbell rang and no one was expecting anyone. My daughter popped up and answered the door.
The woman was very chatty and my daughter hugged her. Then she saw me and started talking even faster about why she dropped by, put a bag on the table, and left.
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As she turned to go I noticed the shirt she was wearing was completely transparent. Just what you want your teenage daughter to be exposed to on a regular basis.
A couple of weeks later, we attended a music concert at our son’s school and she was there dressed in short shorts and high heels. My cousin was with us and wondered who she was. Our daughter said she shopped at the same stores.
Then this woman started calling our daughter to meet for sushi and shopping. It made me uncomfortable as I felt she was using our daughter to get closer to my ex. I called or emailed him as he was out of the country and told him I was happy if he had found someone but she was making dates with our daughter and I was not okay with that unless they were serious. And he never saw her again.
When your ex finds a new significant other after divorce
Now my ex is living with a woman he has known for years. Apparently, they met over 30 years ago, but he didn’t remember. We live a few blocks away from one another and she is mostly always polite. I have met her kids. They are sweet and get along with my kids really well.
My kids introduce her kids as their step-siblings which is a knife in my heart every time. (Tweet it!)
We don’t do holidays together or celebrate birthdays anymore. I have visited my kids briefly over there but it isn’t the most comfortable. My ex has gone out of his way to let me know I can come visit the kids any time they are there. I don’t unless the kids are sick or hurt and unable to get to me.
The mature part of me is glad my ex is happy and that he has found someone to love after our divorce. His partner’s ex-husband lives in another country so she doesn’t deal with the situations that come up with ex’s living in close proximity. Birthdays are uncomfortable as we both want our kids to be with us on those special days.
My ex and his new significant other take them (all 4 kids) on trips or out to fancy restaurants. they host dinner parties with friends I don’t see often anymore. When the kids tell me about these things, it hurts and I try extremely hard not to say anything negative. But it doesn’t hurt any less.
Dealing with jealousy after divorce
I know we’re not in competition and I will always be their mother, but they now have another parental figure in their lives. And a family unit that I am no part of at all.
My ex joked with me when he first got together with her that she was older than I am. Not sure what that was about but I appreciated his attempt at humor.
My daughter has butted heads with the girlfriend, but they are okay. My son goes to her yoga classes and she jokes with me that he’s going to take over her yoga empire. I just smile. She’s not my enemy but when she did start showing up at my children’s events, that was hard. Especially when I thought it was inappropriate. And when we decided my significant other didn’t need to attend.
The .1% of me didn’t raise my kids to be someone else’s children. The man in my life lives an hour away and my kids know him and are kind and polite but there is no familial relationship there and that is hard. It must have to do with time, age, and proximity.
It is something I still struggle with. This other family unit. Especially when they choose to be at their father’s house with her. Well, it is her house too. Their house.
And so, the journey continues.
Now over to you: Does your ex have a significant other? What does your relationship with them look like?