It’s been a tough week for humanity. People losing their lives or livelihoods or whole neighborhoods and everything they have worked for their whole lives. It seems like half the world is flooded and the other half is parched.
And we sensitive beings can only watch in horror or write a check or send another kind of donation. And count our blessings. It’s hard to count your blessing when your own personal world is dark as well.
It’s hard to do anything with forward momentum when you feel stuck and sad and paralyzed. That’s what a divorce feels like.(Tweet it!)
At least it did to me. And that was after years of disappointments, unfulfilled promises, and working hard to be the best partner I could be. It was never about me. Not really.
That is how I felt in my marriage near the end. I didn’t see anything to look forward to other than my children. The idea of my life stretching out before me as a series of stupid fights and unmet expectations and heartache just depressed the hell out of me. There were days that I could hardly manage to get out of bed.
There were two things that did tip the scales for me. A good counselor who helped me learn tools to cope with my broken heart and the feelings of shame and helplessness. And writing a book of poetry to chronicle my experience through the five stages of divorce. It’s called Divorce Poetry: Breaking Free. And at the beginning of the book, I didn’t see much hope.
Now I help other people through this blog and one on one counseling and my book is out there on Amazon for anyone who wants to read the story of my journey. It’s raw and real and a labor of self-love.
BROKEN HEARTED
The pain has finally split my heart in two
Halves that will not be again together
The break was ragged want to seal anew
Some are lost to me now and forever
My ravaged heart still beats a different time
I do not recognize the new-formed flow
Why did I not see the heart was mine?
Concentrating on my breathing deep and slow
And with two pieces I will now go on
The path unknown to me and so unclear
The sore muscles from overuse are strong
The worst is past and nothing left to fear
Although I cannot see my way ahead
Hearts are blind; I’ll use my eyes instead.
Often during my separation and divorce, I couldn’t articulate what I wanted to say verbally so I wrote it in a poem. It has always been the way I have dealt with strong feelings. My mentor always talks about how to deal with big emotions or roadblocks. “Make some five-minute art,” she says. I believe it gets you out of your head long enough to see things a bit differently.
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I don’t mean Rembrandt kind of art. I mean taking a piece of paper and a pen and drawing stick figures. Or writing “roses are red violets are blue.” Knitting, pumping iron, singing a little song, humming. A client of mine who is a lawyer wrote a brilliant haiku at my request when she was going through a divorce, and I am quoting loosely here, no title:
When you think about
Your husband’s plane crashing
Time to get divorced
Okay, so no Pulitzer Prize here. But it serves a purpose and we laughed about it for an hour. It also got her to see how ridiculous her situation had become. She didn’t really wish the father of her children ill will. But she did need to get away from him and end her marriage.
I brought poetry to couple’s counseling. It was humiliating. My ex charmed the counselor and explained that he had no idea why I was so unhappy. I poured my heart out and she called me a trouble maker. Okay, so we picked the wrong counselor. But it was too late by then. His happiness was always more important than mine. And the fantasy he conjured up in those sessions was a reality check for me.
So how about this week, you make a little art. Take pictures. I would love to see what you’re up to. There is something about keeping your hands busy that frees up your mind to deal with things.
Back to school this week, so go buy some colored pencils and draw a train or scribble. Playdough is good. How about baking? Draw on a picture in Instagram. Snap chat if you feel like it.
Or play your favorite music and sing at the top of your lungs.
Do something for you.
Joining our private FB community, Breaking Free, is a great start.