Some of us had shitty parents. There, I said it. It’s true. Many of us came from a generation of parents and grandparents who thought feeding and sheltering us was more than enough. And that worked for some families.
The problem is there are many of us in the over 30 crowd that are still blaming our parents for missed opportunities or genetic challenges or financial difficulties. Like no trust fund for example. Or having to put ourselves through school. Or being cut off at 18 to go make our ways in the world.
Nothing is more boring that hearing grown ass adults whining about missed opportunities caused by bad parenting. I have a whole bunch of friends whose parents were new immigrants. Dutch, French, Swedish and that added a whole different dimension in their American childhoods. Pretty sure Halloween trick or treating, Thanksgiving, and all the American traditions surrounding that, and American history added to the difficulty of transition and translation. Strange food in your lunch box. Good character building exercise.
Work through your issues
IF you are over 30 and still angry at your parents you should seek some counselling to work through some issues. You cannot, let me repeat, you cannot be the kind of person you want to be when blaming the people that brought you into the world. Especially not 50 years after the fact.
Maybe you grew up in a house of physical abuse. There was a time in the not too distant past when teachers and all adults for that matter were allowed to hit kids. This is a cycle that has been broken in our society but the scars linger. This kind of abuse can result in becoming an abuser or a victim or a doormat. These examples are extreme and people are fragile and need help working these things out. The fear is that we pass on this unhealthy interaction onto our own kids. Mad as hell? Don’t lift your hand.
Maybe your parents were divorced. Oh, stigma and heart ache. Much more common. But at a time when people didn’t regularly break up it was an emotional roadblock. Then there are the other folks that should have broken up and were just angry and bitter all the time. Lovely environment.
It is quite possible that your parents married young and had no terrific role models in their own families and it was a learn on the job kind of experience.
Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
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It’s a choice
What if your parents were substance abusers? Even if alcoholism does run in your family it’s a choice. It is a disease and choosing not to put it into your body is something you, at least at the beginning, have control over. We are an entire society of self medicators. The only people that is good for own bottling companies and pharmaceutical companies.
We are so good at numbing any kind of pain or discomfort. This pain is a way for our bodies and minds to get you to pay attention. So, figure out why you need that drink or that pill or that puff. These stop gap tactics don’t help in the long run and the pain never sees the light of day and can never be resolved. Am I saying go confront your parents and tell them all these things you learned about your childhood? No, they won’t be receptive. The therapy is for you to come to terms with what happened to you and how to move forward in a positive and healthy way. To make sure your family life is different and full of well-being and joy.
Your past is past. (Tweet it!)
You can make peace with it and then move forward the way you want to. Have you left the past behind or are you still carrying around the heavy baggage that informs all your decisions?
Ask yourself some of the following questions;
If I am in an emotionally charged situation, do I respond like a five-year-old?
Is my immediate reaction hostile and angry?
Do I yell or reach for a bottle of pills or booze or both?
Do I often overreact to situations around me with the people I live with or work with?
Am I often angry and perceive my world as someone who is entitled to more and feel I receive less?
If your reactions to any or all of these questions you need to go make peace with your childhood or you are going to keep repeating the patterns of hurt and angry indefinitely.
Make rules
I have a client who has been the family punching bag for her whole life. Every family event was devastating to her and she was angry all the time. She wanted to be treated differently but never said a word or changed her behaviour in any way. Although she is the VP of a very successful company but when she goes home (we can never go home again but that’s another issue) it’s a disaster. She allows people to treat her disrespectfully and tease her about things that happened 40 years ago.
It never occurred to her that she was allowing people to be unkind to her. After some really painful work she’s not going home anymore. She’s not supporting her birth family financially anymore. She is not playing her role or being sucked into the guilt. She made some ground rules and feels much better about herself.
To Recap: If you want to live the life you have always meant to live… Quit blaming your parents and figure out where your anger or sadness is coming from. Seek professional help and don’t put up with bad behavior from the people you grew up with.
If you want to talk about it, sign up for a discovery call with me and we can make a plan to get you back on the path you want to be on towards leading a happier and healthier life.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: What are your ghosts of the past? How do you deal with them?
