Back to school: How to make your children have a better school year

“School days school days good old golden rule days…“ My cheerful and wickedly funny mother used to sing this song to us at least two weeks before school started. I could hear glee in her voice as we groaned. The more we groaned the louder she sang. With four of us, six years apart total that was a considerable amount of organization and implementation that went into getting us ready for an early September start date.

The second phrase in the song is especially poignant for me. My mom lived by the golden rule. The basic tenant of most major religions, of doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Treat people how you would like to be treated. (Tweet it!)

I think that would be a great way to start 1st grade or kindergarten. Would that help decrease bullying, I wonder? If we really taught children empathy and what it is like live in someone else’s shoes?

Actions speak louder than words

The world these days seems less empathetic to me. It’s one thing to tell your children to be nice to others. Showing them by example is more effective but is also a great deal harder to model.
Maybe next time someone cuts you off in traffic don’t yell at them or call them names… Just say, “Guess he was in a hurry” and let it go. I get it. Traffic sucks all over the world except in places where they don’t have cars. Get that, a little privilege humor.

Another way to instill compassion in children is to call out instances outside the family of people doing good things for our communities, nations, and the world. These instances may seem to be hard to come by at the moment when mean bullying behavior has been normalized.

Donate those old clothes and shoes that your children have outgrown. Donate those not so old clothes that you have outgrown. Or don’t wear or don’t need. It’s a great family project and can help people other people. Start a food drive in your community. Not just at Xmas time or during other holidays.

What really matters

In my classroom at a local college the students have a lot. They dress well and most have cars. Certainly, they all have smartphones and brand name sneakers. At the end of the school year, a couple of students in the class did a presentation about poverty in our community. They talked about 1 in 5 families struggling. It was the first time all year that the class was completely quiet. Silence. We had an entire unit on food shortages all over the world. It was the first time they got it. And these two students are trying to do something in their community to make things better for the less fortunate. A person or two people can make a difference. Compassion, empathy, and the will to do something to help. Good students.

When potential new immigrants or asylum seekers are turned away at the borders or incarcerated when all our ancestors were at one time or another immigrants, legal or otherwise. Or when parents are separated from their children and lost track of in some mistaken crusade for keeping Americans safe. In some Middle Eastern and African countries when girls are not allowed to go to school or to be educated. When speaking your mind could end your life.

How do we explain these injustices to our children?

By not being apathetic and by speaking out against them. By being an example of how people should behave. And by not saying things like “girls are bad at math” and “boys are good at sports” by not perpetuating stereotypes but treating people as individuals not defined by their sex, age, race, nation of birth, or gender.

Okay, so that’s a big assignment and school just began

…So let’s start smaller:

Changing the world can seem like a boulder you need to push uphill.

Try not getting annoyed by something unimportant and saving your energy for the big things. Do one kind thing today even if no one is watching.

Tell someone studying something earthshaking that what they are doing matters. Say for example a niece working on researching and or inventing biodegradable or edible packaging to help end the tremendous plastic problem we currently have on planet earth.

Education is a gift. Knowledge is the best power to combat insensitivity and disregard. We are never too old to learn new things. If taking a class seems too great a commitment watch a documentary about bees or something.

No matter who is going back to school, your five-year-old to kindergarten, or your partner going back to finish high school or completing their college degree send them out there with your full support. Make sure they understand what they are doing is meaningful and expanding their minds is the best way to guard against ignorance.

And if you want to sing the song my mother did to rub in the fact that you aren’t going to school I’ll be happy to sing it for you.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: How do you prepare your children or yourself to go back to school?

 

 

 

 

5 strategies to up your resilience game for you and your children

up-your-resilience-game-you-your-children

[thesis_block type=”note” header=”” content=”re·sil·ience
/rəˈzilyəns/
noun
1.
the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
Synonyms: flexibility, pliability, suppleness, elasticity, give, springiness”]

Or, as it used to be called, bouncing back.

When I heard about all the rich parents buying their children’s acceptances into top-notch schools I was shocked. And then I wasn’t.

People have been buying influence since before money was invented. What saddens me as a parent is these people of privilege didn’t trust their kids enough or spoiled them so much that they couldn’t or didn’t accept the responsibility to do what needed to be done to get into the school they wanted.

It is also possible that these kids, or some of them at least, had no idea what was going on or figured they were entitled to get into whatever school their parents could afford to buy them into.

Would it perhaps have been better had they taught their children how to be more resilient?

It is a balancing act as a parent not to give your children everything. They are the most precious little beings to us and we want nothing bad to ever happen to them. It’s not possible, of course, as life has trauma. We try to mitigate their traumas when we can. It’s easier the younger they are. Once they leave our realm of influence it gets tougher.

More than a few of my clients struggle with this delicate balance. How to help your children become more resilient and at the same time love them unconditionally. I have come up with what I hope are useful strategies to raise more resilient kids and expand our own abilities to model as more resilient adults.

1. Teach problem-solving skills


Do this by letting children make mistakes. Doing a school project for them or over-helping with homework isn’t going to help them develop the ability of trial and error. Give them an opportunity to come up with their own solutions. Brainstorm together about how to handle adversity. For example, a child is anxious about going away to an outdoor school for a week and has never been away from home.

An anxious parent might just allow them to stay home so they both feel better. In the short run. But missing out because the experience is unfamiliar isn’t helping the child develop or the parent let go a little.

Another approach might be to talk about homesickness and what to do when they feel bad or sad or a bit frightened in a new environment. Taking a favorite toy or book with them might reduce their anxiety. Or having a couple of letters tucked into their luggage from family members will reassure them and might decrease the feeling of homesickness.

2. Try not to do everything for your children

We want to make sure our children are comfortable. But if we do everything for them, we do not allow them to understand and appreciate the feeling of independence. If we do everything, how are they going to learn to be self-reliant?

If we are anxious ourselves it is very difficult to encourage our kids to be okay with uncertainty. We do not have all the answers and being able to sit with some level of not knowing is a very important skill for modern life. I am not advising putting a two-year-old behind the wheel of a car but someday that two-year-old will want to drive a car. I recommend starting with a tricycle.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

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3. Be aware of using overly dramatic language around children

Catastrophizing events or experiences raises the level of anxiety for everyone but especially children who don’t have enough experience to know the difference. When it is raining very hard instead of saying “If this rain keeps up we are going to have to book a seat on the Ark”, you could say something like this “isn’t this storm amazing?”

And then you could look up what causes thunder or teach your kids about counting how far away the thunderclap is after lightening.

We are all guilty of using dramatic language. It gets people’s attention. I’m hungry works just as well as I’m starving. Because my guess is you are hungry, not starving. The cycle of drama is learned.

4. Help them manage their emotions

Emotional management is very important in building resilience. Teach your kids that all emotions are OK. They can be angry at their brother for breaking a toy or disappointed that a friend couldn’t come over and play. Hitting their brother or yelling at a friend is not okay.

And then talk about how they are going to work through those feelings. What happens next? How long are you going to be mad? How can you make sure that your toys don’t get broken? By putting them away. ‘Why’-questions don’t help with problem-solving. For example “Why did you leave your toys out?” The kid is 8 years old, so ‘why’ doesn’t really move you forward.

And we, as parents, have to ride the waves of these emotions and not give in.

Children understand very quickly that having a complete freak out temper tantrum meltdown can get them what they want. (Tweet it!)

Unacceptable behavior is a learned behavior and if it works it continues. So keep the adult temper tantrums in check too.

5. Model resilient behavior

This may be the hardest strategy of all. We are an anxious planet. Life has never been so fast or furious before. We have the most amazing technology at our fingertips but it doesn’t necessarily make life easier.

The World Health Organization estimates that 1 in 13 people suffers from anxiety. In the United States, it is estimated that 18 to 20 percent of all people over the age of 18 suffer from some form of anxiety. Of those only 30 percent get help. If you are finding it hard to cope reach out to a professional.

Want to talk about it? Book a free discovery call with me.

Be kind to yourself.

Do you know where your children are?

do-you-know-where-your-children-are

I do not know where my daughter is.

Not exactly. She is traveling with friends in Asia for a few months. She went with no itinerary to speak of and as many of her friends post-army travel she too is taking the big trip. Seeing that part of the world. She is 21 and her room is clean for the first time in years. And empty.

When my son was 18 months old, a bright social little guy, I thought (other people thought) he needed some peer to peer stimulation. I was pregnant with a second child and I took him reluctantly to a very small private playgroup/preschool in a friends house. The separation was impossibly hard for me. The kind women there, after my inability to let my crying child go, had to push me out the door.

I knew my son would be well cared for although he too was upset. Not with the separation, but with my distress. I went back to my car, drove down the street a few houses, stopped, turned the motor off and cried. I only moved on when the need to pee became more acute than my need to be near my son.

We can never completely protect our children

The only time we can completely surround and protect our children, it seems, is before they are born. Once they get out into the world they are exposed to all kinds of things and the separations begin.

My son spent three years in the army cyber division and then went off to Kenya to represent a hi-tech company there. I was terrified. So far out of my comfort zone and realm of influence. I hardly got to take a breath after his army service and then he was off to a foreign country. Where it is not only dangerous to be gay but illegal. I was the only one who thought this might not be the best idea. I kept my terror under control and spoke to him often during his lunch break.

And then there was the day he called to tell me he hurt his arm and my daughter and I picked him up at the airport at 4:00 AM 18 hours later with a broken clavicle that needed surgery and a plate to put his bones back together. Even though he looked terrible when he arrived I was happy to have him back where I could at least take care of him a little.

Three weeks later he went back to Kenya. I wished he didn’t want to go but he had a job to finish. I was proud of him and kept my displeasure mostly to myself.

And so now my daughter is in Asia

Vietnam to be exact. At least I think so. Her army service was spent in a command center in a dangerous area where she traveled to and from in an armored bus. And now, she is seeing Asia with a few girlfriends.

She has sent me WhatsApp Videos from the back of a motorcycle being driven by someone she doesn’t know along a dirt road near a cliff. Last night she sent me a picture of a sleeping bus that she was on with a bunch of other kids going overnight somewhere, not sleeping. At the age of 21, she is an adult with very good judgment and I have to rely on that.

How do we let go?

Realize our children never belonged to us in the first place and they are on loan from the world? No, that doesn’t really work for me. I don’t know the answer to this one but I keep working on it. And when I am missing them, I ask for time.

I remember what it was like to visit home as a 20 something and realize that the empty nest is a blessing and a curse. (Tweet it!)

I make sure my kids know that they always have a place to come home to no matter how old they are or how far away they travel or move.

It is a time for reinvention for many of us. I have become a teacher and a coach, and I have taught by example resilience and hope. I have loved unconditionally and kept my mouth shut most of the time. And when I need a hug from one of my kids I ask for it.

I have a friend whose daughter is also in Asia. She cried all the way home from the airport. And her daughter will probably be home before her two months are up. I think it was more the idea of the trip that intrigued her. Not the actual roughing it, backpacking all over.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

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So what do we do?

We smile and laugh and share photos of our daughters, our babies far away but close to our hearts. No, I don’t exactly know where my daughter is but my love and hopes are with her. She wasn’t interested in me having the location app on her phone but it was worth a try.

I think the best we can do is to let our kids know that they are loved as they grow up. Raise them using ample amounts of trust and honesty. Let them know that we want them to be happy, kind and do good things because we know they are capable of it.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: Do you know where your children are? How do you cope?

On surviving a cross-cultural marriage and divorce

My ex-husband is a 6th generation Israeli. His family can be traced back to Spain and the Spanish Inquisition. They are sort of royalty in their community and have many first cousins, mostly named Miriam and Eli.

He grew up in Israel, fought in the 1973 Yom Kippur War, and was badly injured. All the men and women in his family served or fought in one Israeli war or another. His father worked for the government. In English, this means he may or may not have been a spy. One family story my mother-in-law loved to tell was of receiving postcards from one location while her husband was actually living in another place.

Both sides of my family have only been American for three generations. And that’s just barely. My grandmother was born as her family was crossing the country in a covered wagon in the early 1900’s. Their origins are Eastern European but kind of all over the map. I grew up in Portland, Oregon in a small but vibrant Jewish community. My parents chose to live in a suburb of Portland and in my high school of 1,500 students, I was one of 25 Jews. I explained why I didn’t celebrate Christmas every year when I was growing up. It was kind of a novelty then.

Marriage to someone from another country and culture is exciting and exotic

..until that turns into a liability and a stressor. The language, the food, and the society are different. And different can be a great relief. That novelty can be as different as hummus instead of peanut butter. Or as different as what is important in raising children.

Both of the partners are disadvantaged (Tweet it!)

It took me years to understand that being a Jew growing up in a non-Jewish country is indeed the opposite of growing up in a country with a Jewish majority. There are no cultural references or shared holiday practices. And one of you is home (in every sense of the word), while the other is a new immigrant no matter what it says on your passport.

My ex expected that I would become a local after our marriage and relocation to Israel. That I would pick up Hebrew in a matter of months and feel right at home as I did in Portland or San Francisco.

Learning a foreign language as an adult is no easy task

I know people who have done it. I am not one of those people. My ex learned English as a child at an American school in Turkey. His spoken English, although accented, was better than fluent. Before we met, he had lived in the US for many years. I had a difficult time learning English. I was dyslexic as a child and worked hard to overcome this disability. Over the years, I have realized that people with dyslexia must find new ways to do things that other people do as second nature. Learning Hebrew, even now after 20 years, is difficult for me. Certain letters are backwards when I look at them. Ready from right to left in a different alphabet isn’t any help either. So I struggle working around the system with help from my friends.

I’ll give you a couple of examples of language issues that are funny looking back, but were not funny at the time. Growing up in suburbia, I had to defend my religion all the time, but not by serving in the army and being wounded in a war. My ex mother-in-law called my ex-husband Mami. This term is an endearment in Hebrew. But it totally freaked me out. My children called me Mommy, but it was still strange. I asked about it. My question was met with a look of incomprehension and then laughter.

My ex was/is great with languages. We spent a week in France and he was chatting up the chef by the time we left. I am not good at languages. I was and still am dyslexic and was very self-conscious.

After our marriage, some of his friends couldn’t be bothered to speak with me in English, so I was completely left out of conversations and often felt alienated and alone. And when I did try to speak, people would either switch to English and say something under their breath about Americans or make fun of me. With friendly encouraging phrases such as…

“How long have been in the country?”
“Why is your Hebrew so bad?”
“I hate Americans – they are so rich and spoiled and entitled.”
“Why is your house so American? Don’t you know you live in Israel?”

I don’t believe anyone was trying to hurt my feelings or make me feel bad. I just think people were trying to hurry me along with my indoctrination into the culture. Israelis are an accomplished group. For example: there is only one country with more start-ups that have gone public on the NYSE than Israel and that country is the United States. Israel is about the size of New Jersey.

The challenges were daily

Another of my fondest (huge amount of sarcasm here) memories have to do with going to the grocery store. I wanted to buy cottage cheese. Seemed like a simple enough task. I brought home sour cream for months until I figured out which was which. All the cartons looked alike, and the writing was squiggly longhand, same shape and color. I was completely intimidated by the dairy case. The challenges were daily, and my ex had no idea how to help me. When he lived in the US (before we met) he lived with Israelis and worked for an Israeli company. He lived in an apartment building with other Israelis and worked in NYC.

When I moved to Israel after our marriage, I had no car and lived about a mile from the nearest bus stop. There were no cell phones at the time, and I was lost. Eventually, I started to make friends, but they were other immigrants. I learned enough Hebrew to get by, but not enough to be social. I had no family in Israel except for a few stray cousins and it was a 24 hour journey to get home to Portland. I started to make my own way slowly.

 

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I had two children in two years and the only people that reached back when I reached out were other immigrants. I met a few parents of the kids. I started them in English speaking pre-school, so their English would be as good as their Hebrew. And slowly, we built a community. I found a place to get my haircut, a family doctor, where to buy fresh fish. My mother-in-law, who spoke five languages, was around for the kids’ school events and I had friends fill in when I wasn’t able to attend. Like any friendships, those had to be nurtured. Carpools and holidays and celebrations and milestones.

When my ex and I decided to divorce, we both eventually left the neighborhood we called home for 15 years. Because of the children, we stayed in the same small town. We didn’t divide friends, but they divided themselves almost exclusively down language lines. Or ideological guidelines. After my divorce, I reinvented myself in the face of this massive, personal upheaval. I got a masters degree, began teaching at a local college, and started a business helping people going through big life changes.

And in a way, I became a new immigrant again.

Over to you: Have you struggled with cultural differences in your marriage and divorce? What did YOU do to ease the transitions?

5 strategies to battle empty nest syndrome after divorce

We may not be husbands or wives anymore, but we are parents for life.

Even if they don’t live with us all the time, and don’t need us in the same ways. Even though we have an empty nest.

For the first 30 some years of my life I wasn’t a parent. I was an older sister, a babysitter, a cousin, a camp counselor, a peer adviser. I may have had nurturing tendencies and I loved babies but was happy enough to be able to hand them back to the parents when I had my fill.

Now, I am lucky and blessed to have been a parent for 23 years now. That’s a long time to have a job. And the job description has changed dramatically over time. It started as a 24 hour a day job to try to satisfy the unmet needs of a being who couldn’t communicate with words. Some of my first marital arguments were over child rearing. Parenting can be the best job ever but it is also physically and emotionally exhausting and exhilarating at the same time.

You can also do everything right as a parent and still things go wrong. We blame ourselves even when our children are adults, making what we think are bad decisions.

After divorce, we move from a home with a family to a one parent home. Once our children are grown, we move to a home without our children. All of these changes may even take place in the same geographical home — but it’s not the same home.

What do we do when parenting duties become few and far between? (Tweet it!)

When you get fewer requests for meal or a ride, a recipe or a definition of a word. Giving less occasional pep-talks, or being a sounding board when they want to talk to someone with more life experience.

We’re kind of out of a job. At least day in and day out. I have heart to hearts with my kids every now and then. Mostly I listen and try to give advice when needed and encouragement always. But now, their friends or spouses are the center of their social lives and they live independently.

So what do now that we have empty nest?

Make your space over for yourself

You no longer have to decorate for your family or your relationship but for you. Use colors you like. And photos or pictures you love. That home office or workshop you always wanted? You have the space now, so use it. I’m not saying do a big remodel, I’m just saying if you want to move the glass table with sharp corners into the living room, go ahead and do it. Use your grandmother’s china whenever you want.

My daughter has a great room in my new apartment, but she doesn’t spend much time there. She prefers her father’s large house and garden that provide her friends a place to hang out undisturbed. I have a small outside space. The apartment I rented is pretty much just for me. No competition with my ex. His girlfriend is kind to my kids so I can’t really whine about her decorating choices.

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I have a closet full of old framed pictures, photographs, and art. I didn’t put any of them up on the walls, preferring to wait and live here awhile. The pictures I did put up are of my kids as babies. They embarrass them but I love them so they are on the walls. I have a few boxes of stuff that belong to my son and someday he might go through the stuff. For now, it sits and waits and that’s okay.

Spend time with other people’s children

We’ve all heard the saying “It takes a village to raise a child.” And over the years, I’ve spent some time with other people’s children. Lots of kids call me Auntie, and I am not related. It’s true. You can do this informally with friends or family. All kids could use a sympathetic ear and a little extra adult time. I know someone who hired herself out as a Grandmother for people whose parents were not around much.

You could lend yourself out informally, for lunch dates or pickups after school or attending performances. Or find a more formal way to do it through a church group, or Big Brother or Big Sister. You could find a youth group that needs an advisor. A choir that needs a director. A sports team that needs a coach.

Some hospitals need people to hold babies. Foster parenting is a possibility as well. Libraries need readers for children. You could help kids with homework. It very much depends on how much you want or need the interaction.

Acknowledge your feelings

Parenting is about change. It’s important to take the time to think about your accomplishments and not just about the loss. You aren’t losing your children, you are just moving to a new type of relationship. And as they grow up and pair off, you will see them differently.

If you feel down and your sleeping or eating habits are being affected — or you feel depressed — get some help and talk to someone. It’s not an easy transition and some of us need some extra help.

What have you always wanted to do but couldn’t with children at home? A friend of mine bought a motor home and says she will travel around in it until her kids have kids. She also adopted a puppy and posts pictures of him on Facebook.

Plan an adventure

It’s expensive to travel with a lot of people. A round trip ticket to someplace warm this winter isn’t so expensive. Maybe you have wanted to visit that old friend from college or middle school? Or maybe a cousin you’ve been meaning to invite or go visit. This is the time to do it when your life is a bit quieter and a bit simpler.

There are all kinds of travelling groups out there advertised all over the internet. Go with your Church group to Israel or Greece. Follow your ancestors path to wherever you eventually landed.

Meet some new people

This goes along with the new hobby or new interest. If you put off getting yourself out there to date because you have kids at home, maybe try dating light. A coffee, attend a lecture, take a class.

Let your friends and acquaintances know that you’re looking to meet someone nice. Make sure you remind them that someone being divorced isn’t the only thing you need to have in common.

Now over to you: how did you handle empty-nest syndrome after your divorce?