Dad needs friends too…
I heard a comedian say recently that “to be a great Dad you have to be an okay Mom.” It’s funny, right? It’s also outdated. For all the Moms who did it all, it’s a nice validation. For many of the young men with families I teach and counsel in my practice, it’s a daily struggle.
Working, being a spouse, extended family commitments, and putting endless energy into raising children, doesn’t leave a young Dad much time to do anything else. They are suffering silently for their diligence. Everyone needs friends but, for those with overfull lives, it’s hard to make or take the time. In many of their minds the “time off” can’t be justified. Guilt is a common response. I’m not saying that Mom doesn’t feel this too, I’m just dedicating this one to the Dads trying to balance it all as well.
We all need friends
After high school or college, we find it harder and harder to connect with people. Our world may be technologically connected but at the huge cost of isolation for many. People have lost the ability to read social cues and interact in a way that opens up the possibility of friendship and camaraderie. The fear of embarrassment and rejection is real, and we feel lonely.
These are my observations and not based on anything scientific but women tend to bond more easily and anywhere. Over children, at work, in line getting coffee and make the time to keep friendships vital. So why can’t men do the same?
Anthropologically men communicate even with someone new, in a hierarchy of power. Which one of them is higher up the food chain. It’s a tough position from which to make friends. Some men may feel they are ‘better-than’ but mostly, men wonder if they are the less-than.
As machoness makes way for more involved Dads, they struggle to create the social structures which support this new role. (Tweet it!)
They should be speaking about money, women, and drinks but those men are harder to find. Most modern men want to spend free time on the floor playing legos, Barbie, or whatever game their child invented that day.
Women communicate to make a connection. To see what they have in common. This tends to lead to more chances to connect.
Get out
If your buddies aren’t coupled up or if they are child-free and your life is all about the little people in your life, it may be hard to find common ground. Also, young fathers feel tremendous guilt spending time with friends instead of being home or doing their share of childcare.
Date night is always a great idea. You shouldn’t feel guilty for going out one night. It is a wonderful opportunity if you and your life partner have some time outside the house to relax and have fun. Although it doesn’t really fill the space of having a friend outside your family unit, it’s someone to commiserate with and share challenges and fears and have a laugh.
Men tend to require an activity to be with other men. Something else to focus on so they won’t be seen as weak or girly. Playing sports, watching sports, and talking about sports might work for some guys. But not all. If you are not into sports you might need to find some other common ground.
I know about a men’s book group that gets together once a month. Pretty sure none of the guys ever read the book. Maybe one guy, the rest kick back with a beer and talk about nothing in particular. It is a safe place to decompress and having a book. Even if you don’t get around to reading it is a shared positive experience.
So, what should young fathers do to connect to other young father’s or men in general?
1. Come up with a game plan.
Pun intended.
Figure out an activity that is non-threatening and invite some guys.
A paint party where you actually paint something that needs to be painted! The family room? The garage? Teach them your standard dish for last minute dinners. An activity to literally break the ice. Everyone feels awkward and embarrassed in an unfamiliar environment. Make the first move. Shake somebody’s hand and introduce yourself. He will probably thank you and be relieved.
2. Attend an event in your community.
Immediate commonality.
Charity drives are good. You and the guy or guys could gather donations of clothes or blankets or canned food. It gives you an activity to bond over and help people in need. Also, offer to drive when someone is collecting something. It gives you something to do and an important role.
3. Volunteer at your place of worship.
Join one, or just go visit.
Having a spiritual connection to something once a week or a month helps to organize your life and add meaning. There are bible studies in any bible you want. Bring cookies to the men’s group meeting. That makes you immediately the most popular guy in the room.
4. Reach out to old friends.
It couldn’t be easier now with all our social media. Find a buddy from college you were close to and reconnect with them. It’s good to be reminded of what you were like before adulthood. A lot of the world is snowed in at the moment so use the time to find someone you have lost touch with. Facebook, LinkedIn, or Google them. It’s not hard to search for an old friend.
5. Try a new hobby.
And follow up with someone you meet.
Make the effort. Step out of your comfort zone. Start small. A workshop, a couple of hours on a Tuesday evening. Haven’t you always wanted to rock climb? Learn about wine? How about taking a course at your local community center or college. I’m sure you can get a catalog online easily. No online courses though, that’s another issue.
And let me know how it goes. If you need a little more encouragement or help with a game plan sign up for a discovery call with me. It’s a perfect time to make a new friend or connect with an old one. You will be blessed tenfold. Now get out there and connect. And remember this: You are a good Dad.
Be kind to yourself.
