Handling new significant others after divorce

handling-new-significant-others-after-divorce

One of the funniest things a divorced friend said to me was about her ex-husband finding someone new. A new significant other. She was in a blue mood and I asked her why. She said,

“99.9% of me is very happy he found someone. It’s the other .1% that hoped he would never get over me.”

I laughed because I could relate to what she said perfectly. It is an awkward and sometimes difficult situation. Add the complication of your teenage children starting to date and it’s awkward times infinity.

Our children were in middle school and high school when we got a divorce. We wanted to present a united front where the kid’s well-being and education was concerned. We continued spending holidays together, celebrated the kid’s birthdays that first year or two, and attended several teacher’s meetings and school events together.

When your ex starts dating after your divorce

Sometime during that first year after our civil divorce became final, my ex started dating. It wasn’t serious, but we live in a smallish town and one of these women had kids attending the same school as our son.

I met her quite by accident one day. We were at my ex’s house on a Saturday having lunch. The doorbell rang and no one was expecting anyone. My daughter popped up and answered the door.

The woman was very chatty and my daughter hugged her. Then she saw me and started talking even faster about why she dropped by, put a bag on the table, and left.

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As she turned to go I noticed the shirt she was wearing was completely transparent. Just what you want your teenage daughter to be exposed to on a regular basis.

A couple of weeks later, we attended a music concert at our son’s school and she was there dressed in short shorts and high heels. My cousin was with us and wondered who she was. Our daughter said she shopped at the same stores.

Then this woman started calling our daughter to meet for sushi and shopping. It made me uncomfortable as I felt she was using our daughter to get closer to my ex. I called or emailed him as he was out of the country and told him I was happy if he had found someone but she was making dates with our daughter and I was not okay with that unless they were serious. And he never saw her again.

When your ex finds a new significant other after divorce

Now my ex is living with a woman he has known for years. Apparently, they met over 30 years ago, but he didn’t remember. We live a few blocks away from one another and she is mostly always polite. I have met her kids. They are sweet and get along with my kids really well.

My kids introduce her kids as their step-siblings which is a knife in my heart every time. (Tweet it!)

We don’t do holidays together or celebrate birthdays anymore. I have visited my kids briefly over there but it isn’t the most comfortable. My ex has gone out of his way to let me know I can come visit the kids any time they are there. I don’t unless the kids are sick or hurt and unable to get to me.

The mature part of me is glad my ex is happy and that he has found someone to love after our divorce. His partner’s ex-husband lives in another country so she doesn’t deal with the situations that come up with ex’s living in close proximity. Birthdays are uncomfortable as we both want our kids to be with us on those special days.

My ex and his new significant other take them (all 4 kids) on trips or out to fancy restaurants. they host dinner parties with friends I don’t see often anymore. When the kids tell me about these things, it hurts and I try extremely hard not to say anything negative. But it doesn’t hurt any less.

Dealing with jealousy after divorce

I know we’re not in competition and I will always be their mother, but they now have another parental figure in their lives. And a family unit that I am no part of at all.

My ex joked with me when he first got together with her that she was older than I am. Not sure what that was about but I appreciated his attempt at humor.

My daughter has butted heads with the girlfriend, but they are okay. My son goes to her yoga classes and she jokes with me that he’s going to take over her yoga empire. I just smile. She’s not my enemy but when she did start showing up at my children’s events, that was hard. Especially when I thought it was inappropriate. And when we decided my significant other didn’t need to attend.

The .1% of me didn’t raise my kids to be someone else’s children. The man in my life lives an hour away and my kids know him and are kind and polite but there is no familial relationship there and that is hard. It must have to do with time, age, and proximity.

It is something I still struggle with. This other family unit. Especially when they choose to be at their father’s house with her. Well, it is her house too. Their house.

And so, the journey continues.

Now over to you: Does your ex have a significant other? What does your relationship with them look like?

5 behaviors to ditch when getting over a breakup

I am not saying that wallowing isn’t allowed during your breakup. A certain period of mourning is expected and even healthy as the loss you are feeling is great. But moving on without dealing with your feelings can backfire months or years down the line.

Be responsible for you and your immediate family. If a whole office, company, or community of people is depending on you, let them know that you are taking a step back for a while as you’re getting over the breakup. Delegate until you feel up to the task again. And you will.

Here’s a great example of not dealing with your feelings after divorce: dating or even remarrying immediately! If you don’t give yourself the time to reflect on what went wrong or what didn’t work in the previous relationship, don’t expect the next one to be any better! The unresolved issues will carry into the next relationship and can easily sabotage it.

Who doesn’t want to feel that elation in a new relationship? Suddenly you’re fascinating to someone and you feel great. The honeymoon period is a wash of emotions, and this person seems PERFECT. But jumping into another relationship puts a lot of pressure on you to try to erase the past or rewrite it. You’ll be constantly comparing this new person to your ex — and anyone seems amazing compared to them — even someone who’s actually not so great.

People and relationships are not black and white. No one is perfect. And human interaction is far from perfect. As my boyfriend is fond of saying “Everyone’s shit smells.” And he has a point.

So what do we do to avoid this idealized view of a new person?

Time. Take time to get to know them and not fill in the blanks with your fantasies. (Tweet it!)

Letting your feelings be felt is the best way to move towards healing. All of us need a period to mourn what was. The time will depend entirely on you and what you need.

If you keep your feelings bottled up inside churning like acid, they will eventually corrode the core that is your emotional wellbeing.

So here are my top 5 behaviors to ditch when getting over a breakup:

Social media.

Do not look at or respond to your ex’s social media. People lie and always put their best face forward. You do not need the pictures of the young chick he is seeing permanently burned into your brain. If your ex-wife’s new chick is younger, hotter, or richer, you don’t know the whole story and all it does is make you feel bad. Why would you torture yourself?

Being a weepy mess.

Everyone who has gone through a divorce needs to fully experience this stage of post-divorce life for as long as they need to. If you are a weepy mess, be a weepy mess but don’t expect even your closest friends or family to want to hear about it 24/7. Get some professional help (yes that’s what I do) and work on getting yourself back together. For those of you that have joined our group well done. This is a safe space and we are happy to have you.

Listening to the negative tapes in your head.

Don’t listen to the little gremlins in your mind that tell you it was your fault or you are not enough. If you were thinner, richer, more interesting etc. You are the best you that you can be. You are unique and talented and special. If there are things you want to change for you, take this as an opportunity to work on the things you want to work on to improve yourself for you and your children. But you are enough RIGHT NOW.

Kicking yourself around.

Be kind to yourself. You may feel like a failure during your breakup, but you DESERVE self-love. This is not the time to add pressure. And this is not the time to start new projects. This is the time to begin to heal. Make the words you say to yourself gentle and loving. Get a massage or just take your two hands and rub the back or your neck. Feel the tension? Do things that are soothing for you. Music, exercise, coffee with a friend. For a cheap spa experience, warm some cream in the micro (don’t boil it) for a few seconds and rub your feet with it. Repeat to yourself in a loving voice, “I am more than enough” as many times as you need to start believing it.

Watching negative news.

Limit your intake of bad news. The world is in a mess right now. Floods and fires, destruction and death. In some places, complete devastation. We cannot constantly take in news like this and be okay. Make a small donation if you want to help. I sent underwear to Houston through Amazon. I knew that it would go directly to the people who needed it and felt a little better that someone will have clean underwear to put on tomorrow. And that makes me feel a little better.

52 ways to move towards joy after divorce

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Just as you would not pour salt directly into a cut, scrape or other wound, stop doing the things that bring you more pain. Be kind to yourself. And when you’ve done these things, only then are you ready to invite a new love into you life.

Now over to you: Which habits do you need to work on before you start dating? I’d love to hear!

How to avoid disastrous dating after divorce

People often ask me when I started dating after divorce. It’s a hard question to answer. I usually start by saying that “dating sucks!!” at any age. I watched my teenagers go through the drama and heartbreak after my divorce and had no desire to jump into another relationship. If your self-esteem is shattered, as most of ours is after a divorce, why would we want to put ourselves out there again?

When you’ve shared a home and a life with your ex-spouse for years, being single takes some getting used to. The house is too quiet when the kids are with your ex. Parties you used to attend are less fun when all your friends are asking you questions about your divorce. People can be terrible gossips and if you’re what’s on the menu, it isn’t healthy and can be very emotionally damaging.

I have friends who jumped right back on the horse with hook-up sites and internet dating after divorce. The guys they found were fun and mostly younger and it was an ego boost for them after spending years in a loveless marriage. They suddenly felt attractive and wanted again. Not really my style but it worked for them. I haven’t heard any wedding bells yet but the smiles on their faces say something.

It can be tempting to jump right in!

For me, there were a few quick beginnings. It was easy to tell that they wouldn’t work long or short term. I wasn’t looking too hard and I enjoyed my quiet. It was strange to have my married friends trying to fix me up with other divorced people.

If the only thing you have in common with someone is your divorce certificate, that’s not enough. (Tweet it!)

That’s the thing about being divorced. You can do whatever you want, especially if someone has been telling you “no” for a bunch of years. There is a big beautiful world out there full of people to like you and appreciate you. My only caveat is that intimacy takes time to build. And with all those hormones and serotonin happening it’s hard to make a rational decision.

Loneliness is scary and painful and for many people, jumping right back into a relationship feels good. Especially when you don’t know the new person well enough to see their flaws. Who wouldn’t want to live in the honeymoon stage forever? I have witnessed quick second marriages that last for years and some that last for months.

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Be still before dating after divorce

But what we should all be doing is making time to be still before we jump into dating after divorce. We need to be still long enough to start to understand what you really want and need. I guess dating lite would be the best answer. To be aware of what went wrong in your marriage/relationship and try not to replace it before you figure out who you are and what you want and need.

My grandmother was married five times and engaged one other time before the poor guy died. She was a widow at least three times and wasn’t single very long in between marriages. The person she showed to this new man wasn’t who she really was. She was strong and tough and played the 75 year-old coquette. The honeymoon didn’t last long in any of these marriages. But she was of a generation that believed being without a man, even if you were a successful business woman, was a bad thing.

It’s good to be alone for a while

Being on your own isn’t a bad thing. I had my kids, work, friends and a full life. And I realized something else near the end of that first year. I had been on my own for ten years before my marriage. I was ok without someone then and I was okay now. My kids were happy. And I was happier.

How did I know? What was my proof? I started humming. That’s how I knew my groove was coming back after my divorce. I was puttering around my house humming. Driving in my car singing. I didn’t feel like crying anymore. That dark soul crushing heaviness I had been carrying around lifted. And someone came into my life soon after that. It must be working because he’s still around.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: How long did you wait to start dating again after divorce?