How to remain intact through your divorce

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After my divorce, it was an attractive thought to curl up in a ball and stay in bed, mourning the marriage that was. It wasn’t that I didn’t know that I would ultimately be better off, it was the fear of the unknown that enwrapped me. Above all, I had two teenage children living with me who deserved support and stability. I found these five strategies very helpful. Hope you will too.

Here is how to remain intact through your divorce

1. Understand that grieving is a process.

Give yourself time.

A divorce is a loss. There will be strong feelings. Try not to turn them inward by assigning blame or blaming yourself. Be gentle with yourself.

Feelings are not like light switches and you cannot turn them on or off like the light over the kitchen table. Speak with people that you trust. Probably your former mother-in-law is not the best choice to confide in. Your friends, family, or a professional is your best direction.

Wallowing is appropriate, especially after a long relationship. There may be feelings of relief mixed with sadness. This is normal and your feelings matter. Let them be felt. By acknowledging them, you can move at your own pace and take time to figure out what moving on even means to you.

2. Young children cannot be your support system.

I’m all for being strong when kids are around. It’s okay to let them know you are hurting but your inability to cope will scare them. It is better not to depend on them for support as they often think they are to blame for a break-up. Let them know that’s not the cause and your burden is not there’s.

Seeking professional help for children or allowing them to express their feelings is really important. There are books for kids about divorce which are specifically age appropriate. Let your family doctor or pediatrician know what’s going on, they’ll be able to support you as well, by assisting with stress-related recommendations or resources.

If children begin to show signs of depression such as not eating, trouble sleeping, or a sadness that is present all the time, reach out. Under no circumstances make them pick sides. (Tweet it!)

3. Know where you stand, property and otherwise.

This may be one of the most important challenges when a marriage or relationship breaks up. It doesn’t speak to the emotions but does give you a place to start rebuilding. That means understanding the finances of your current situation.

How much property do you own? How about stocks, bank accounts, securities etc. The more informed you are, the better decision you can make. It will help explain your situation to a lawyer or mediator. Remember, a mediator just wants a signed document and don’t always have your best interests in mind.

You need to be up to speed on all things financial which affect your family going forward. Knowledge is power. It is always a good idea to contact an accountant, lawyer, or another financial professional for at least a consultation so you will know your rights and have the facts.

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4. Plan for the future. What do you want?

What do you want? Seems like an easy question to answer, but it’s not. Like many people, you have probably subverted your wants and needs for the good of the family. You’ve adapted yourself to please your former spouse and now is the time to explore what it is that you want.

If the question is too daunting to answer all at once, think of it in a time frame or smaller fragments of time. For now, the next hour or perhaps the next month or year.

Have you always wanted to go back to school? Change careers? Go back to work? Travel? There is great freedom and satisfaction in trying to figure this out. Is there a hobby that you used to enjoy and no longer spend time doing? Play guitar, learn Spanish, bake pastries?

Make a plan and make yourself a priority.

5. Get the help you need during this transition.

When I was going through my divorce, I found writing tremendously helpful. I asked myself some hard questions and developed exercises to really get to the heart of the issues I was dealing with.

Then I returned to writing and shared a myriad of emotions with the page in front of me. I find writing to be especially therapeutic and unburdening. It was a powerful tool which helped me reconnect with my emotional self.

This writing, connecting, and unburdening left me with a roadmap. A general guide that anyone can follow through their divorce in order to gain closure and move towards a fulfilling life.

Over time I have developed this interactive guide to include stories, poems, thought exercises, and stimulating coloring pages which help your mind wander in a focused frame.

This interactive guide will help you with finding a way to get in touch with yourself. Whether through writing, baking, jogging, or any form of creativity, it is more important than you may realize. And before you say you are not creative, I assure you, in your own special way, you are creative.

Think of yourself and see what makes you happy, what gets you excited, and what are you simply not ready to try yet?

Now over to you. What have you done which helped you remain intact through the stages of divorce? Where are you in your journey and if you could go back, what would you tell yourself?

Be kind to yourself.

 

 

 

 

Handling new significant others after divorce

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One of the funniest things a divorced friend said to me was about her ex-husband finding someone new. A new significant other. She was in a blue mood and I asked her why. She said,

“99.9% of me is very happy he found someone. It’s the other .1% that hoped he would never get over me.”

I laughed because I could relate to what she said perfectly. It is an awkward and sometimes difficult situation. Add the complication of your teenage children starting to date and it’s awkward times infinity.

Our children were in middle school and high school when we got a divorce. We wanted to present a united front where the kid’s well-being and education was concerned. We continued spending holidays together, celebrated the kid’s birthdays that first year or two, and attended several teacher’s meetings and school events together.

When your ex starts dating after your divorce

Sometime during that first year after our civil divorce became final, my ex started dating. It wasn’t serious, but we live in a smallish town and one of these women had kids attending the same school as our son.

I met her quite by accident one day. We were at my ex’s house on a Saturday having lunch. The doorbell rang and no one was expecting anyone. My daughter popped up and answered the door.

The woman was very chatty and my daughter hugged her. Then she saw me and started talking even faster about why she dropped by, put a bag on the table, and left.

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As she turned to go I noticed the shirt she was wearing was completely transparent. Just what you want your teenage daughter to be exposed to on a regular basis.

A couple of weeks later, we attended a music concert at our son’s school and she was there dressed in short shorts and high heels. My cousin was with us and wondered who she was. Our daughter said she shopped at the same stores.

Then this woman started calling our daughter to meet for sushi and shopping. It made me uncomfortable as I felt she was using our daughter to get closer to my ex. I called or emailed him as he was out of the country and told him I was happy if he had found someone but she was making dates with our daughter and I was not okay with that unless they were serious. And he never saw her again.

When your ex finds a new significant other after divorce

Now my ex is living with a woman he has known for years. Apparently, they met over 30 years ago, but he didn’t remember. We live a few blocks away from one another and she is mostly always polite. I have met her kids. They are sweet and get along with my kids really well.

My kids introduce her kids as their step-siblings which is a knife in my heart every time. (Tweet it!)

We don’t do holidays together or celebrate birthdays anymore. I have visited my kids briefly over there but it isn’t the most comfortable. My ex has gone out of his way to let me know I can come visit the kids any time they are there. I don’t unless the kids are sick or hurt and unable to get to me.

The mature part of me is glad my ex is happy and that he has found someone to love after our divorce. His partner’s ex-husband lives in another country so she doesn’t deal with the situations that come up with ex’s living in close proximity. Birthdays are uncomfortable as we both want our kids to be with us on those special days.

My ex and his new significant other take them (all 4 kids) on trips or out to fancy restaurants. they host dinner parties with friends I don’t see often anymore. When the kids tell me about these things, it hurts and I try extremely hard not to say anything negative. But it doesn’t hurt any less.

Dealing with jealousy after divorce

I know we’re not in competition and I will always be their mother, but they now have another parental figure in their lives. And a family unit that I am no part of at all.

My ex joked with me when he first got together with her that she was older than I am. Not sure what that was about but I appreciated his attempt at humor.

My daughter has butted heads with the girlfriend, but they are okay. My son goes to her yoga classes and she jokes with me that he’s going to take over her yoga empire. I just smile. She’s not my enemy but when she did start showing up at my children’s events, that was hard. Especially when I thought it was inappropriate. And when we decided my significant other didn’t need to attend.

The .1% of me didn’t raise my kids to be someone else’s children. The man in my life lives an hour away and my kids know him and are kind and polite but there is no familial relationship there and that is hard. It must have to do with time, age, and proximity.

It is something I still struggle with. This other family unit. Especially when they choose to be at their father’s house with her. Well, it is her house too. Their house.

And so, the journey continues.

Now over to you: Does your ex have a significant other? What does your relationship with them look like?

How not to appear like an insecure mess after your divorce

“Fake it ‘til you make it.”

“Put your game face on.”

“Never let them see you sweat.”

Now, I’m not saying that you should fake happiness as you endure the grief and anguish of a separation or divorce. But if I learned anything from my own divorce, showing your guts to the whole world isn’t the best way to ease the pain.

Private grief is safer grief. Grief that is meaningful — because your relationships are meaningful even when they end.

The trick is not to turn all that angst inward. We are all guilty of that. I remember asking myself, “Why can’t I keep this relationship together? What’s wrong with me?”

During and after my divorce, I was my own worst critic. (Tweet it!)

As it turned out, nothing was wrong with me. The relationship had run it’s course and I wasn’t willing to spend the time fixing something that was just broken. I would not have survived that in an recognizable way. I would have given up who I was to be somewhere I couldn’t thrive.

But I did feel less than enough.

Who hasn’t felt like they weren’t enough? Not enough to stay married, or get that promotion, or make a lot of money. Add a separation or divorce in the mix, and it adds another thick layer of insecurity.

Read a magazine, watch a tv show, stream a movie. They’re full of perfect looking people doing and saying perfect things with perfect lives and perfect teeth. It’s not reality.

Facebook is the good face of your friends and acquaintances. The best of every day and every event. Pictures can and are photoshopped. Everyone puts their best face forward there, but it’s not real.

We get these messages every day from the outside world. We would be happier if we were thinner, richer, drank that vodka or that beer. Drove that car or vacationed at a certain resort. Getting divorced only exaggerates that feeling of inadequacy.

I questioned myself constantly. “Why can’t I keep my marriage together when so many other people can?”

And even though I wasn’t happy in my marriage, I realized that being part of a couple, and then separating and divorcing, left me with a new and often uncomfortable existence. I no longer had a spouse. Part of identity was gone.

Feeling vulnerable, insecure and untethered was my day-to-day at first. It took me months to feel even a little like myself again. I was a mess. It was almost impossible to get through the day. Although my children were my anchor, social situations were uncomfortable and some of the people I spoke to just wanted the dirt on my situation. They weren’t interested in my wellbeing at all.

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Dealing with the social anxiety

During the end of my marriage and divorce, I went to many events by myself. People would ask where my husband was, and I would say “travelling” or “had another event” or would just smile and shrug. Once we separated, sometimes it was awkward and uncomfortable, painfully so. I chose carefully what events I attended and to whom I spoke. It was my story and I was careful with whom I shared it. And having a rehearsed answer was a great help.

“Hi, how are you?” holding my arm and looking in my eyes expectantly.

“Doing well thanks.”

“It must be really hard for you”

“I’m doing okay, thanks for asking.” *Patting their arm and walking away*

It’s a good feeling. I developed other rituals to help me get through any kind of interaction. I rehearsed scenarios and after some time, things got easier.

We all have rituals that make us feel more comfortable.

We’re all insecure

Successful CEO billionaires are insecure. I just finished reading Shoe Dog written by Phil Knight, the man who started NIKE. The book was about the journey of his early life and how NIKE came to be. It wasn’t easy, and there were many moments when he was on the edge but he persevered. He also was in debt up to his eyeballs and had no idea where the next infusion of cash was coming from.

Not everyone deserves or needs to hear your story. Be particular about who you let in. In our culture of oversharing, think about it first. Find the people that will be positive in your recovery and talk to them.

Don’t look for the people that have always been critical of you to all of a sudden understand your pain, your plans, or why you feel insecure. While building up your strength and re-inventing yourself, be cautious and careful.

Be a little protective of the new and better “you” that’s emerging.

Now over to you: Who have you chosen to share your divorce story with?

5 behaviors to ditch when getting over a breakup

I am not saying that wallowing isn’t allowed during your breakup. A certain period of mourning is expected and even healthy as the loss you are feeling is great. But moving on without dealing with your feelings can backfire months or years down the line.

Be responsible for you and your immediate family. If a whole office, company, or community of people is depending on you, let them know that you are taking a step back for a while as you’re getting over the breakup. Delegate until you feel up to the task again. And you will.

Here’s a great example of not dealing with your feelings after divorce: dating or even remarrying immediately! If you don’t give yourself the time to reflect on what went wrong or what didn’t work in the previous relationship, don’t expect the next one to be any better! The unresolved issues will carry into the next relationship and can easily sabotage it.

Who doesn’t want to feel that elation in a new relationship? Suddenly you’re fascinating to someone and you feel great. The honeymoon period is a wash of emotions, and this person seems PERFECT. But jumping into another relationship puts a lot of pressure on you to try to erase the past or rewrite it. You’ll be constantly comparing this new person to your ex — and anyone seems amazing compared to them — even someone who’s actually not so great.

People and relationships are not black and white. No one is perfect. And human interaction is far from perfect. As my boyfriend is fond of saying “Everyone’s shit smells.” And he has a point.

So what do we do to avoid this idealized view of a new person?

Time. Take time to get to know them and not fill in the blanks with your fantasies. (Tweet it!)

Letting your feelings be felt is the best way to move towards healing. All of us need a period to mourn what was. The time will depend entirely on you and what you need.

If you keep your feelings bottled up inside churning like acid, they will eventually corrode the core that is your emotional wellbeing.

So here are my top 5 behaviors to ditch when getting over a breakup:

Social media.

Do not look at or respond to your ex’s social media. People lie and always put their best face forward. You do not need the pictures of the young chick he is seeing permanently burned into your brain. If your ex-wife’s new chick is younger, hotter, or richer, you don’t know the whole story and all it does is make you feel bad. Why would you torture yourself?

Being a weepy mess.

Everyone who has gone through a divorce needs to fully experience this stage of post-divorce life for as long as they need to. If you are a weepy mess, be a weepy mess but don’t expect even your closest friends or family to want to hear about it 24/7. Get some professional help (yes that’s what I do) and work on getting yourself back together. For those of you that have joined our group well done. This is a safe space and we are happy to have you.

Listening to the negative tapes in your head.

Don’t listen to the little gremlins in your mind that tell you it was your fault or you are not enough. If you were thinner, richer, more interesting etc. You are the best you that you can be. You are unique and talented and special. If there are things you want to change for you, take this as an opportunity to work on the things you want to work on to improve yourself for you and your children. But you are enough RIGHT NOW.

Kicking yourself around.

Be kind to yourself. You may feel like a failure during your breakup, but you DESERVE self-love. This is not the time to add pressure. And this is not the time to start new projects. This is the time to begin to heal. Make the words you say to yourself gentle and loving. Get a massage or just take your two hands and rub the back or your neck. Feel the tension? Do things that are soothing for you. Music, exercise, coffee with a friend. For a cheap spa experience, warm some cream in the micro (don’t boil it) for a few seconds and rub your feet with it. Repeat to yourself in a loving voice, “I am more than enough” as many times as you need to start believing it.

Watching negative news.

Limit your intake of bad news. The world is in a mess right now. Floods and fires, destruction and death. In some places, complete devastation. We cannot constantly take in news like this and be okay. Make a small donation if you want to help. I sent underwear to Houston through Amazon. I knew that it would go directly to the people who needed it and felt a little better that someone will have clean underwear to put on tomorrow. And that makes me feel a little better.

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Just as you would not pour salt directly into a cut, scrape or other wound, stop doing the things that bring you more pain. Be kind to yourself. And when you’ve done these things, only then are you ready to invite a new love into you life.

Now over to you: Which habits do you need to work on before you start dating? I’d love to hear!

Who decided that divorce is a failure?

50% of married couples eventually get divorced. But does that mean that 50% of people are a failure? Why do so many divorced individuals struggle with intense feelings of failure?

It’s more than a little antiquated and unrealistic to view divorce as a failure in modern society. Every generation lives longer than the previous generation. “Until death do us part” was a different kind of promise when people didn’t live much beyond 50. We used to live in a society where people lived in the same home town all their lives, stayed at the same job for 40 years, and then retired. Do you know a lot of people who have worked at the same job or the same company for their entire careers?

Dynamic lives – dynamic marriages

Life isn’t like that anymore. Life is long and complicated and messy and people may decide that they want different things. People change and grow and move around. They don’t stay in one place their whole lives. They quit jobs, move cities, go back to school, and change careers. The pace of life is completely different than it was two generations ago. So why do we look at the institution of marriage in a way that is no longer accurate, relevant, or productive?

Was my marriage a mistake? My children are the most precious things in my life and certainly in the life of my ex-husband. They were not mistakes or in any way a failure. By what standard and whose judgment are all these ex-spouses marked as failures? The fact that we raised two healthy, happy, well-rounded, and generous adults doesn’t sound like a failure to me. We should be celebrating this beautiful achievement.

Was it easy?

No. Divorce sucks. It was agonizing and soul wrenching and the only choice after 17 years. It isn’t something anyone who has been through takes lightly (or would go through willingly.) I know a few happily married couples. Good for them. I know a lot more unhappily married couples. Good luck to them. It’s very hard to live a lie.

The old adage “The only real failure is in not every trying” could be applied here to love and marriage. Committing yourself to another person is a huge act of faith and hopefulness. But things happen and love changes. People’s needs change and sometimes the only way to move ahead is to break something.

 

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Redefining failure

Families don’t resemble the nuclear families I was raised in. Pop culture has figured this out. Have you seen an episode of Modern Family? No rigid definition of family there. But it is a family. The father got a divorce and married a younger woman with a child. And then had a child together. He has grandchildren older than his own child and his adopted child. Two gay fathers bring up an adopted Asian daughter. And a married couple that were high school sweethearts are trying to keep their relationship relevant while raising three children.

Maybe we could redefine failure. How about divorce as a rite of passage? A stage in life 50% of married people in the world go through. Divorce is a journey toward finding the person you are meant to be with.

But most of all, divorce is a journey toward finding the person you are meant to be. (Tweet it!)

Now over to you: Did you feel like a failure when you were going through your divorce? How have your feelings about your divorce evolved over time? I’d love to hear how you’re dealing with this tough transition!

5 ways to be your own Valentine

It’s that time of year again. Time to celebrate the holiday that lines the pockets of card companies, florists, over-priced (and overcrowded!) restaurants, and chocolatiers.

It’s also the time of year when you can start to feel that being alone (even if you were happy the day before) sucks because someone tells you it does. I always spend time with my clients reviewing their social status this time of year. Assuring themselves that they are as relevant on the 14th, just as they were on the 13th.

That pudgy pale infantile trouble maker Cupid needs to be tied up and thrown into a trunk for a couple of days (Tweet it!)

Here are my five favorite strategies for being my own Valentine when February 14th rolls around.

1. Buy your own flowers

Why do you need someone else to give you overpriced flowers on a random day? Buy yourself roses or tulips or the first daffodils of spring TODAY. They will last a week or two in the cold weather and you can smile every time you see them and congratulate yourself on your good taste.

2. Book a massage

Beauty schools and massage schools have lower prices and aim to please. It’s a splurge but it’s a well-known fact that human touch is very therapeutic, physically and emotionally. If it’s too much of a financial commitment, try a head and neck massage or a mani/pedi. Yes, you too, guys (get those gnarly toenails sorted out)! There’s nothing like soaking your feet in a warm tub of water, getting rid of that dead winter skin, and a pleasant foot massage. Mini vacation anyone?

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3. Write yourself a love note

I’m serious here. It doesn’t have to be a script. Or a sonnet. Or even a Novella. Pick a few words that describe you. Funny, loyal, fragile, loving, survivor, vivacious…. Got it? Find a quote or poem that speaks to your soul and post it everywhere. It can be something your mother said to you. Or a favorite teacher. Your first girlfriend. Best friend. Or something that makes you laugh out loud.

“You look marvelous.”
“Your cat loves you.”
“Best daughter ever.”
“Your eyes are clear and bright.”
“You make my day.”

A few little words to make you smile. You can use red paper and cut it into the shape of a heart if you want. Or not.

4. Romance yourself

You heard me. This is the time for a guilty pleasure. If you want to clean the house naked, great. Want to splurge on those shoes you’ve been eyeing? Go for it! If you want to buy yourself a sex toy, do that. Order a combination sushi platter just for yourself. Light a candle, use the good china, reserve your favorite movie on Netflix, or go out to a new movie no one else wants to see and bring popcorn from home. When those lights go down, no one knows you came alone. Plan an evening or an hour just for yourself. Try yoga. It’s one night. Don’t take it too seriously. You are awesome whether you’re in a relationship or not.

5. Feeling lonely?

You don’t have to be alone if you don’t want to be. Some people thrive on solitude, and others don’t. Close the computer or your phone text app and actually go out and see some real people. If you have a friend or family member nearby, that works. Or make a date with a coworker or an interesting acquaintance. I’m crazy about babies and I have often offered to babysit for new parents so they can have a night out or just cuddle in and go to sleep early. Consider donating your time to a charity — your thoughtfulness and time will be welcome.

And in the end, remember this: it’s just one day. Chocolate should be part of it unless you are allergic (insert treat of choice here). Choose to feel good and you will feel good!

Now over to you: which of these strategies will you be implementing this year? What’s your favorite Valentine’s Day self-love formula?

Thoughts on self-reliance after divorce

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It’s been eight years since my divorce, and I’ve learned how to do a lot of things on my own. Some minor home repairs, how to get the electricity back on, how to unblock a drain, or get a toilet to stop running. I’ve done okay by myself. I’ve never really been a handy person, but I do try my best before I call someone. I even bought a five-piece set of tools — and I’ve used three of them!

A marriage should be a team. Everyone plays a different role and everyone has a job. When you get a divorce, half your team is benched or traded and you’re the only one left, doing ALL the jobs.

Establishing self-reliance after divorce

It can be daunting to suddenly have responsibility for an entire household. So when something happens, I try to take a breath and figure out what category the problem falls into.

1. No way to fix it. This is an easy one. Throw it in the trash. Hopefully it’s replicable and not an heirloom. Heirlooms are thanked for the service and joy and tossed.

2. Fixable but not in this month’s budget. Put it off unless it’s the car, fridge, or washing machine. Many places offer payment plans, so check if that is an option

3. Fixable with a little time and effort. Youtube is full of helpful videos about how to fix things. Swap with friends who need services you can render. Bake a cake for plastering a hole in a wall.

The job that I didn’t deal with much during my marriage was the car. It was solidly in my husband’s to-do list. When we got divorced, it was suddenly my job. And as both my children learned to drive, it became that much more of a job. Because they both learned to drive in my old Honda Civic, not their father’s pristine, black sports car.

The things you do on your own after a divorce

Last night, I was working in my home office. On my very cluttered desk sits a bright blue, Femo turtle from Hawaii. As two of my cats were fighting over lounge space, the turtle hit the floor, losing both its head and tail. All the little turtles tucked inside, under his hollow shell scattered across the carpet. I picked all the pieces up and put them aside to fix this morning.

While I was down on my hands and knees, I noticed the desktop computer fan wasn’t turning. I wiped off all the intake screens in the back of the hard drive, blew some dust off the fan, and stuck a pencil in to get the blade going again. It was too dusty, so I took my hair dryer into the office, and on a cool setting, I blew the rest of the dust off the fan. It’s working. Self-reliance at it’s finest — I never would have done this during my marriage!

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This morning I took out a new tube of superglue. I put a kitchen towel and some plastic wrap down on top of it as a work surface and carefully placed the pieces of the turtle on the towel. Removing the cap of the superglue, I flipped it to open the tube with the pointed back side of the top. I squeezed the tube and nothing happened. Squeezing harder, a few drops came out that dotted onto the tail and held it in place.

Things will be messy but they will be yours (Tweet it!)

Then I moved on to the head and repeated the procedure. I didn’t see, or feel, or smell anything come out of the tube at first. The plastic wasn’t wet or gooey. I squeezed harder and heard the rush of fluid. Superglue ran out over 9 of 10 of my fingers. I tried to rub it into the turtle’s neck to replace the head, but the glue dried almost instantly onto my skin and nails. The result you ask?

A headless turtle with a tail and a superglue manicure that looks like an advanced skin disease. I know that it will rub off in a few days. Especially, if I play with the dried flakey mess on my fingers constantly — I can’t leave it alone for a second.

Last week, I re-glued a magnet to the back of my phone so it can be hands free in the car. That was only a two finger job. I probably shouldn’t have done it while in the car. That time it took two days to get the dried glue off my fingers.

Not sure what it is about super glue that brings out the kindergartener in me. And next time I need to glue something, it will probably happen again. The perfection of the job isn’t the point. That I keep trying to fix things is more important. Sometimes all that’s needed is a new light bulb or some super glue, carefully applied.

Now over to you: How are you taking steps to establish self-reliance after your divorce?

 

 

 

 

How to avoid disastrous dating after divorce

People often ask me when I started dating after divorce. It’s a hard question to answer. I usually start by saying that “dating sucks!!” at any age. I watched my teenagers go through the drama and heartbreak after my divorce and had no desire to jump into another relationship. If your self-esteem is shattered, as most of ours is after a divorce, why would we want to put ourselves out there again?

When you’ve shared a home and a life with your ex-spouse for years, being single takes some getting used to. The house is too quiet when the kids are with your ex. Parties you used to attend are less fun when all your friends are asking you questions about your divorce. People can be terrible gossips and if you’re what’s on the menu, it isn’t healthy and can be very emotionally damaging.

I have friends who jumped right back on the horse with hook-up sites and internet dating after divorce. The guys they found were fun and mostly younger and it was an ego boost for them after spending years in a loveless marriage. They suddenly felt attractive and wanted again. Not really my style but it worked for them. I haven’t heard any wedding bells yet but the smiles on their faces say something.

It can be tempting to jump right in!

For me, there were a few quick beginnings. It was easy to tell that they wouldn’t work long or short term. I wasn’t looking too hard and I enjoyed my quiet. It was strange to have my married friends trying to fix me up with other divorced people.

If the only thing you have in common with someone is your divorce certificate, that’s not enough. (Tweet it!)

That’s the thing about being divorced. You can do whatever you want, especially if someone has been telling you “no” for a bunch of years. There is a big beautiful world out there full of people to like you and appreciate you. My only caveat is that intimacy takes time to build. And with all those hormones and serotonin happening it’s hard to make a rational decision.

Loneliness is scary and painful and for many people, jumping right back into a relationship feels good. Especially when you don’t know the new person well enough to see their flaws. Who wouldn’t want to live in the honeymoon stage forever? I have witnessed quick second marriages that last for years and some that last for months.

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Be still before dating after divorce

But what we should all be doing is making time to be still before we jump into dating after divorce. We need to be still long enough to start to understand what you really want and need. I guess dating lite would be the best answer. To be aware of what went wrong in your marriage/relationship and try not to replace it before you figure out who you are and what you want and need.

My grandmother was married five times and engaged one other time before the poor guy died. She was a widow at least three times and wasn’t single very long in between marriages. The person she showed to this new man wasn’t who she really was. She was strong and tough and played the 75 year-old coquette. The honeymoon didn’t last long in any of these marriages. But she was of a generation that believed being without a man, even if you were a successful business woman, was a bad thing.

It’s good to be alone for a while

Being on your own isn’t a bad thing. I had my kids, work, friends and a full life. And I realized something else near the end of that first year. I had been on my own for ten years before my marriage. I was ok without someone then and I was okay now. My kids were happy. And I was happier.

How did I know? What was my proof? I started humming. That’s how I knew my groove was coming back after my divorce. I was puttering around my house humming. Driving in my car singing. I didn’t feel like crying anymore. That dark soul crushing heaviness I had been carrying around lifted. And someone came into my life soon after that. It must be working because he’s still around.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: How long did you wait to start dating again after divorce?

On surviving a cross-cultural marriage and divorce

My ex-husband is a 6th generation Israeli. His family can be traced back to Spain and the Spanish Inquisition. They are sort of royalty in their community and have many first cousins, mostly named Miriam and Eli.

He grew up in Israel, fought in the 1973 Yom Kippur War, and was badly injured. All the men and women in his family served or fought in one Israeli war or another. His father worked for the government. In English, this means he may or may not have been a spy. One family story my mother-in-law loved to tell was of receiving postcards from one location while her husband was actually living in another place.

Both sides of my family have only been American for three generations. And that’s just barely. My grandmother was born as her family was crossing the country in a covered wagon in the early 1900’s. Their origins are Eastern European but kind of all over the map. I grew up in Portland, Oregon in a small but vibrant Jewish community. My parents chose to live in a suburb of Portland and in my high school of 1,500 students, I was one of 25 Jews. I explained why I didn’t celebrate Christmas every year when I was growing up. It was kind of a novelty then.

Marriage to someone from another country and culture is exciting and exotic

..until that turns into a liability and a stressor. The language, the food, and the society are different. And different can be a great relief. That novelty can be as different as hummus instead of peanut butter. Or as different as what is important in raising children.

Both of the partners are disadvantaged (Tweet it!)

It took me years to understand that being a Jew growing up in a non-Jewish country is indeed the opposite of growing up in a country with a Jewish majority. There are no cultural references or shared holiday practices. And one of you is home (in every sense of the word), while the other is a new immigrant no matter what it says on your passport.

My ex expected that I would become a local after our marriage and relocation to Israel. That I would pick up Hebrew in a matter of months and feel right at home as I did in Portland or San Francisco.

Learning a foreign language as an adult is no easy task

I know people who have done it. I am not one of those people. My ex learned English as a child at an American school in Turkey. His spoken English, although accented, was better than fluent. Before we met, he had lived in the US for many years. I had a difficult time learning English. I was dyslexic as a child and worked hard to overcome this disability. Over the years, I have realized that people with dyslexia must find new ways to do things that other people do as second nature. Learning Hebrew, even now after 20 years, is difficult for me. Certain letters are backwards when I look at them. Ready from right to left in a different alphabet isn’t any help either. So I struggle working around the system with help from my friends.

I’ll give you a couple of examples of language issues that are funny looking back, but were not funny at the time. Growing up in suburbia, I had to defend my religion all the time, but not by serving in the army and being wounded in a war. My ex mother-in-law called my ex-husband Mami. This term is an endearment in Hebrew. But it totally freaked me out. My children called me Mommy, but it was still strange. I asked about it. My question was met with a look of incomprehension and then laughter.

My ex was/is great with languages. We spent a week in France and he was chatting up the chef by the time we left. I am not good at languages. I was and still am dyslexic and was very self-conscious.

After our marriage, some of his friends couldn’t be bothered to speak with me in English, so I was completely left out of conversations and often felt alienated and alone. And when I did try to speak, people would either switch to English and say something under their breath about Americans or make fun of me. With friendly encouraging phrases such as…

“How long have been in the country?”
“Why is your Hebrew so bad?”
“I hate Americans – they are so rich and spoiled and entitled.”
“Why is your house so American? Don’t you know you live in Israel?”

I don’t believe anyone was trying to hurt my feelings or make me feel bad. I just think people were trying to hurry me along with my indoctrination into the culture. Israelis are an accomplished group. For example: there is only one country with more start-ups that have gone public on the NYSE than Israel and that country is the United States. Israel is about the size of New Jersey.

The challenges were daily

Another of my fondest (huge amount of sarcasm here) memories have to do with going to the grocery store. I wanted to buy cottage cheese. Seemed like a simple enough task. I brought home sour cream for months until I figured out which was which. All the cartons looked alike, and the writing was squiggly longhand, same shape and color. I was completely intimidated by the dairy case. The challenges were daily, and my ex had no idea how to help me. When he lived in the US (before we met) he lived with Israelis and worked for an Israeli company. He lived in an apartment building with other Israelis and worked in NYC.

When I moved to Israel after our marriage, I had no car and lived about a mile from the nearest bus stop. There were no cell phones at the time, and I was lost. Eventually, I started to make friends, but they were other immigrants. I learned enough Hebrew to get by, but not enough to be social. I had no family in Israel except for a few stray cousins and it was a 24 hour journey to get home to Portland. I started to make my own way slowly.

 

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I had two children in two years and the only people that reached back when I reached out were other immigrants. I met a few parents of the kids. I started them in English speaking pre-school, so their English would be as good as their Hebrew. And slowly, we built a community. I found a place to get my haircut, a family doctor, where to buy fresh fish. My mother-in-law, who spoke five languages, was around for the kids’ school events and I had friends fill in when I wasn’t able to attend. Like any friendships, those had to be nurtured. Carpools and holidays and celebrations and milestones.

When my ex and I decided to divorce, we both eventually left the neighborhood we called home for 15 years. Because of the children, we stayed in the same small town. We didn’t divide friends, but they divided themselves almost exclusively down language lines. Or ideological guidelines. After my divorce, I reinvented myself in the face of this massive, personal upheaval. I got a masters degree, began teaching at a local college, and started a business helping people going through big life changes.

And in a way, I became a new immigrant again.

Over to you: Have you struggled with cultural differences in your marriage and divorce? What did YOU do to ease the transitions?

5 strategies to battle empty nest syndrome after divorce

We may not be husbands or wives anymore, but we are parents for life.

Even if they don’t live with us all the time, and don’t need us in the same ways. Even though we have an empty nest.

For the first 30 some years of my life I wasn’t a parent. I was an older sister, a babysitter, a cousin, a camp counselor, a peer adviser. I may have had nurturing tendencies and I loved babies but was happy enough to be able to hand them back to the parents when I had my fill.

Now, I am lucky and blessed to have been a parent for 23 years now. That’s a long time to have a job. And the job description has changed dramatically over time. It started as a 24 hour a day job to try to satisfy the unmet needs of a being who couldn’t communicate with words. Some of my first marital arguments were over child rearing. Parenting can be the best job ever but it is also physically and emotionally exhausting and exhilarating at the same time.

You can also do everything right as a parent and still things go wrong. We blame ourselves even when our children are adults, making what we think are bad decisions.

After divorce, we move from a home with a family to a one parent home. Once our children are grown, we move to a home without our children. All of these changes may even take place in the same geographical home — but it’s not the same home.

What do we do when parenting duties become few and far between? (Tweet it!)

When you get fewer requests for meal or a ride, a recipe or a definition of a word. Giving less occasional pep-talks, or being a sounding board when they want to talk to someone with more life experience.

We’re kind of out of a job. At least day in and day out. I have heart to hearts with my kids every now and then. Mostly I listen and try to give advice when needed and encouragement always. But now, their friends or spouses are the center of their social lives and they live independently.

So what do now that we have empty nest?

Make your space over for yourself

You no longer have to decorate for your family or your relationship but for you. Use colors you like. And photos or pictures you love. That home office or workshop you always wanted? You have the space now, so use it. I’m not saying do a big remodel, I’m just saying if you want to move the glass table with sharp corners into the living room, go ahead and do it. Use your grandmother’s china whenever you want.

My daughter has a great room in my new apartment, but she doesn’t spend much time there. She prefers her father’s large house and garden that provide her friends a place to hang out undisturbed. I have a small outside space. The apartment I rented is pretty much just for me. No competition with my ex. His girlfriend is kind to my kids so I can’t really whine about her decorating choices.

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I have a closet full of old framed pictures, photographs, and art. I didn’t put any of them up on the walls, preferring to wait and live here awhile. The pictures I did put up are of my kids as babies. They embarrass them but I love them so they are on the walls. I have a few boxes of stuff that belong to my son and someday he might go through the stuff. For now, it sits and waits and that’s okay.

Spend time with other people’s children

We’ve all heard the saying “It takes a village to raise a child.” And over the years, I’ve spent some time with other people’s children. Lots of kids call me Auntie, and I am not related. It’s true. You can do this informally with friends or family. All kids could use a sympathetic ear and a little extra adult time. I know someone who hired herself out as a Grandmother for people whose parents were not around much.

You could lend yourself out informally, for lunch dates or pickups after school or attending performances. Or find a more formal way to do it through a church group, or Big Brother or Big Sister. You could find a youth group that needs an advisor. A choir that needs a director. A sports team that needs a coach.

Some hospitals need people to hold babies. Foster parenting is a possibility as well. Libraries need readers for children. You could help kids with homework. It very much depends on how much you want or need the interaction.

Acknowledge your feelings

Parenting is about change. It’s important to take the time to think about your accomplishments and not just about the loss. You aren’t losing your children, you are just moving to a new type of relationship. And as they grow up and pair off, you will see them differently.

If you feel down and your sleeping or eating habits are being affected — or you feel depressed — get some help and talk to someone. It’s not an easy transition and some of us need some extra help.

What have you always wanted to do but couldn’t with children at home? A friend of mine bought a motor home and says she will travel around in it until her kids have kids. She also adopted a puppy and posts pictures of him on Facebook.

Plan an adventure

It’s expensive to travel with a lot of people. A round trip ticket to someplace warm this winter isn’t so expensive. Maybe you have wanted to visit that old friend from college or middle school? Or maybe a cousin you’ve been meaning to invite or go visit. This is the time to do it when your life is a bit quieter and a bit simpler.

There are all kinds of travelling groups out there advertised all over the internet. Go with your Church group to Israel or Greece. Follow your ancestors path to wherever you eventually landed.

Meet some new people

This goes along with the new hobby or new interest. If you put off getting yourself out there to date because you have kids at home, maybe try dating light. A coffee, attend a lecture, take a class.

Let your friends and acquaintances know that you’re looking to meet someone nice. Make sure you remind them that someone being divorced isn’t the only thing you need to have in common.

Now over to you: how did you handle empty-nest syndrome after your divorce?