Do you know where your children are?

do-you-know-where-your-children-are

I do not know where my daughter is.

Not exactly. She is traveling with friends in Asia for a few months. She went with no itinerary to speak of and as many of her friends post-army travel she too is taking the big trip. Seeing that part of the world. She is 21 and her room is clean for the first time in years. And empty.

When my son was 18 months old, a bright social little guy, I thought (other people thought) he needed some peer to peer stimulation. I was pregnant with a second child and I took him reluctantly to a very small private playgroup/preschool in a friends house. The separation was impossibly hard for me. The kind women there, after my inability to let my crying child go, had to push me out the door.

I knew my son would be well cared for although he too was upset. Not with the separation, but with my distress. I went back to my car, drove down the street a few houses, stopped, turned the motor off and cried. I only moved on when the need to pee became more acute than my need to be near my son.

We can never completely protect our children

The only time we can completely surround and protect our children, it seems, is before they are born. Once they get out into the world they are exposed to all kinds of things and the separations begin.

My son spent three years in the army cyber division and then went off to Kenya to represent a hi-tech company there. I was terrified. So far out of my comfort zone and realm of influence. I hardly got to take a breath after his army service and then he was off to a foreign country. Where it is not only dangerous to be gay but illegal. I was the only one who thought this might not be the best idea. I kept my terror under control and spoke to him often during his lunch break.

And then there was the day he called to tell me he hurt his arm and my daughter and I picked him up at the airport at 4:00 AM 18 hours later with a broken clavicle that needed surgery and a plate to put his bones back together. Even though he looked terrible when he arrived I was happy to have him back where I could at least take care of him a little.

Three weeks later he went back to Kenya. I wished he didn’t want to go but he had a job to finish. I was proud of him and kept my displeasure mostly to myself.

And so now my daughter is in Asia

Vietnam to be exact. At least I think so. Her army service was spent in a command center in a dangerous area where she traveled to and from in an armored bus. And now, she is seeing Asia with a few girlfriends.

She has sent me WhatsApp Videos from the back of a motorcycle being driven by someone she doesn’t know along a dirt road near a cliff. Last night she sent me a picture of a sleeping bus that she was on with a bunch of other kids going overnight somewhere, not sleeping. At the age of 21, she is an adult with very good judgment and I have to rely on that.

How do we let go?

Realize our children never belonged to us in the first place and they are on loan from the world? No, that doesn’t really work for me. I don’t know the answer to this one but I keep working on it. And when I am missing them, I ask for time.

I remember what it was like to visit home as a 20 something and realize that the empty nest is a blessing and a curse. (Tweet it!)

I make sure my kids know that they always have a place to come home to no matter how old they are or how far away they travel or move.

It is a time for reinvention for many of us. I have become a teacher and a coach, and I have taught by example resilience and hope. I have loved unconditionally and kept my mouth shut most of the time. And when I need a hug from one of my kids I ask for it.

I have a friend whose daughter is also in Asia. She cried all the way home from the airport. And her daughter will probably be home before her two months are up. I think it was more the idea of the trip that intrigued her. Not the actual roughing it, backpacking all over.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2019 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
[magicactionbox id=1256]

So what do we do?

We smile and laugh and share photos of our daughters, our babies far away but close to our hearts. No, I don’t exactly know where my daughter is but my love and hopes are with her. She wasn’t interested in me having the location app on her phone but it was worth a try.

I think the best we can do is to let our kids know that they are loved as they grow up. Raise them using ample amounts of trust and honesty. Let them know that we want them to be happy, kind and do good things because we know they are capable of it.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: Do you know where your children are? How do you cope?

When going through hell, keep going

“When going through hell, keep going”
-Winston Churchill

A friend of mine had a big birthday recently. We got to talking about how the things you think are important change as decades and life stages pass. One of the most profound things she said was “In my middle years, I want friends who are curious, compassionate and kind.” What a remarkable thought. She didn’t care how well travelled people were or professionally accomplished or highly educated. What she really wanted was to surround herself with people who were kind.

After thinking about it, I realized that I agreed with her. We all know that people who live in a constant state of high drama and competitiveness are exhausting. I remember joining a baby group when my kids were babies and the mothers compared their infant’s progress as if it were the Olympics: “My baby is speaking complete sentences at nine months”… I remember laughing out loud as I thought the woman was making a joke. Apparently I was the only one who thought it was funny.

My children are of legal age now. It’s kind of a shocking thing to have a really intense 24/7 kind of job that you age out of after 18-20 years. My heart goes out to all parents that invested so much of their beings into good solid parenting only to be out of a job after 18-20 years. Then the lag before we can hopefully become grandparents.

And we are also a generation who not only has children to love and raise but elderly parents to manage and care for as well. It takes a lot out of us. Several people I know have lost parents in the last year and it’s heartbreaking. And losing a parent – whether you have unfinished business with them, or a close relationship – still hurts. And it hurts for a long time. Parents are our buffers to mortality.

Reinvention is something that we do as we progress through our lives

Even if it isn’t categorized that way. Gone are the days when we start with a company and stay there for our entire adult lives and receive a gold watch and retire. People move from the city they were born and or raised in. And may move every time a they change jobs. We get married and divorced. Move to where our children settle or find warmer climates to retire. As fast as the world is changing we must figure out a way to live with those changes and not be overwhelmed by them.

So what do we do? We either embrace change realizing that not everything will be successful or easy. Or resist change and get unhappily swept along in a current we must work hard at to tread water. The third and least attractive option is to get stuck. Dig yourself in and neither move or live, but just exist.

One of the things I have found with many of the people I work with is that their suffering is self-inflicted. I believe suffering to be a choice. Not grieving – with each loss there needs to be whatever amount of time the person requires to construct a new normal – but allowing the pain of divorce or loss of a loved one or job or financial stability or good health become the place where they live. Better the pain you know then the unknown.

Pain can be a constant and familiar companion. It doesn’t have to be where you stay. (Tweet it!)

Sometimes we forget what we have to be grateful for and focus on the loss, hurt, or anger. We let it define us protecting us for more hurt and loss but also from experiencing joy. Cutting off the things that make life much more than a burden or something to be gotten through. It is a dark and heavy place to live.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2018 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
[magicactionbox id=1256]

If any of this sounds familiar and you really want to live your best life, begin by following the five steps below:

  1. Start with one thing you feel grateful for. Just one thing. It can be a small as the first daffodil after a spring snow storm. A chance meeting with an old friend. Your favorite team making it to the playoffs (go Blazers!). And I have found that one thought of gratitude leads to another and with each grateful thought some of the negative feelings you are experiencing dissipate.
  2. Acknowledging that you don’t want to live in a dark painful place is a good next step. Admitting that you want to move forward puts you in the right mindset to begin doing the moving forward.
  3. Tell a friend or work colleague that you are feeling down. Find a group online. Confide in someone going through a similar experience. It is always helpful to know someone out there is going through the same thing.
  4. Distract yourself in to feeling better. I was going through a difficult time with empty nesting last year. I couldn’t seem to get out of my own head. Then I discovered Audible books. Now if I am being a little obsessive about anything I grab my phone and earbuds and start listening to a book or comedy show or one of their great channels.
  5. If your black mood doesn’t shift or lift after several months seek some help. How do you know when it’s time? When you continue to feel miserable after trying the first four things on this list.

And what about you? Have you decided to embrace the change in your life with positivity? Or will you choose to stay with the hell you know?

5 strategies to battle empty nest syndrome after divorce

We may not be husbands or wives anymore, but we are parents for life.

Even if they don’t live with us all the time, and don’t need us in the same ways. Even though we have an empty nest.

For the first 30 some years of my life I wasn’t a parent. I was an older sister, a babysitter, a cousin, a camp counselor, a peer adviser. I may have had nurturing tendencies and I loved babies but was happy enough to be able to hand them back to the parents when I had my fill.

Now, I am lucky and blessed to have been a parent for 23 years now. That’s a long time to have a job. And the job description has changed dramatically over time. It started as a 24 hour a day job to try to satisfy the unmet needs of a being who couldn’t communicate with words. Some of my first marital arguments were over child rearing. Parenting can be the best job ever but it is also physically and emotionally exhausting and exhilarating at the same time.

You can also do everything right as a parent and still things go wrong. We blame ourselves even when our children are adults, making what we think are bad decisions.

After divorce, we move from a home with a family to a one parent home. Once our children are grown, we move to a home without our children. All of these changes may even take place in the same geographical home — but it’s not the same home.

What do we do when parenting duties become few and far between? (Tweet it!)

When you get fewer requests for meal or a ride, a recipe or a definition of a word. Giving less occasional pep-talks, or being a sounding board when they want to talk to someone with more life experience.

We’re kind of out of a job. At least day in and day out. I have heart to hearts with my kids every now and then. Mostly I listen and try to give advice when needed and encouragement always. But now, their friends or spouses are the center of their social lives and they live independently.

So what do now that we have empty nest?

Make your space over for yourself

You no longer have to decorate for your family or your relationship but for you. Use colors you like. And photos or pictures you love. That home office or workshop you always wanted? You have the space now, so use it. I’m not saying do a big remodel, I’m just saying if you want to move the glass table with sharp corners into the living room, go ahead and do it. Use your grandmother’s china whenever you want.

My daughter has a great room in my new apartment, but she doesn’t spend much time there. She prefers her father’s large house and garden that provide her friends a place to hang out undisturbed. I have a small outside space. The apartment I rented is pretty much just for me. No competition with my ex. His girlfriend is kind to my kids so I can’t really whine about her decorating choices.

52 ways to move towards joy after divorce

Sign-up to receive a printable action plan for embracing your life
and letting go of pain after divorce
[magicactionbox id=994]

I have a closet full of old framed pictures, photographs, and art. I didn’t put any of them up on the walls, preferring to wait and live here awhile. The pictures I did put up are of my kids as babies. They embarrass them but I love them so they are on the walls. I have a few boxes of stuff that belong to my son and someday he might go through the stuff. For now, it sits and waits and that’s okay.

Spend time with other people’s children

We’ve all heard the saying “It takes a village to raise a child.” And over the years, I’ve spent some time with other people’s children. Lots of kids call me Auntie, and I am not related. It’s true. You can do this informally with friends or family. All kids could use a sympathetic ear and a little extra adult time. I know someone who hired herself out as a Grandmother for people whose parents were not around much.

You could lend yourself out informally, for lunch dates or pickups after school or attending performances. Or find a more formal way to do it through a church group, or Big Brother or Big Sister. You could find a youth group that needs an advisor. A choir that needs a director. A sports team that needs a coach.

Some hospitals need people to hold babies. Foster parenting is a possibility as well. Libraries need readers for children. You could help kids with homework. It very much depends on how much you want or need the interaction.

Acknowledge your feelings

Parenting is about change. It’s important to take the time to think about your accomplishments and not just about the loss. You aren’t losing your children, you are just moving to a new type of relationship. And as they grow up and pair off, you will see them differently.

If you feel down and your sleeping or eating habits are being affected — or you feel depressed — get some help and talk to someone. It’s not an easy transition and some of us need some extra help.

What have you always wanted to do but couldn’t with children at home? A friend of mine bought a motor home and says she will travel around in it until her kids have kids. She also adopted a puppy and posts pictures of him on Facebook.

Plan an adventure

It’s expensive to travel with a lot of people. A round trip ticket to someplace warm this winter isn’t so expensive. Maybe you have wanted to visit that old friend from college or middle school? Or maybe a cousin you’ve been meaning to invite or go visit. This is the time to do it when your life is a bit quieter and a bit simpler.

There are all kinds of travelling groups out there advertised all over the internet. Go with your Church group to Israel or Greece. Follow your ancestors path to wherever you eventually landed.

Meet some new people

This goes along with the new hobby or new interest. If you put off getting yourself out there to date because you have kids at home, maybe try dating light. A coffee, attend a lecture, take a class.

Let your friends and acquaintances know that you’re looking to meet someone nice. Make sure you remind them that someone being divorced isn’t the only thing you need to have in common.

Now over to you: how did you handle empty-nest syndrome after your divorce?