50% of married couples eventually get divorced. But does that mean that 50% of people are a failure? Why do so many divorced individuals struggle with intense feelings of failure?
It’s more than a little antiquated and unrealistic to view divorce as a failure in modern society. Every generation lives longer than the previous generation. “Until death do us part” was a different kind of promise when people didn’t live much beyond 50. We used to live in a society where people lived in the same home town all their lives, stayed at the same job for 40 years, and then retired. Do you know a lot of people who have worked at the same job or the same company for their entire careers?
Dynamic lives – dynamic marriages
Life isn’t like that anymore. Life is long and complicated and messy and people may decide that they want different things. People change and grow and move around. They don’t stay in one place their whole lives. They quit jobs, move cities, go back to school, and change careers. The pace of life is completely different than it was two generations ago. So why do we look at the institution of marriage in a way that is no longer accurate, relevant, or productive?
Was my marriage a mistake? My children are the most precious things in my life and certainly in the life of my ex-husband. They were not mistakes or in any way a failure. By what standard and whose judgment are all these ex-spouses marked as failures? The fact that we raised two healthy, happy, well-rounded, and generous adults doesn’t sound like a failure to me. We should be celebrating this beautiful achievement.
Was it easy?
No. Divorce sucks. It was agonizing and soul wrenching and the only choice after 17 years. It isn’t something anyone who has been through takes lightly (or would go through willingly.) I know a few happily married couples. Good for them. I know a lot more unhappily married couples. Good luck to them. It’s very hard to live a lie.
The old adage “The only real failure is in not every trying” could be applied here to love and marriage. Committing yourself to another person is a huge act of faith and hopefulness. But things happen and love changes. People’s needs change and sometimes the only way to move ahead is to break something.
Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
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Redefining failure
Families don’t resemble the nuclear families I was raised in. Pop culture has figured this out. Have you seen an episode of Modern Family? No rigid definition of family there. But it is a family. The father got a divorce and married a younger woman with a child. And then had a child together. He has grandchildren older than his own child and his adopted child. Two gay fathers bring up an adopted Asian daughter. And a married couple that were high school sweethearts are trying to keep their relationship relevant while raising three children.
Maybe we could redefine failure. How about divorce as a rite of passage? A stage in life 50% of married people in the world go through. Divorce is a journey toward finding the person you are meant to be with.
But most of all, divorce is a journey toward finding the person you are meant to be. (Tweet it!)
Now over to you: Did you feel like a failure when you were going through your divorce? How have your feelings about your divorce evolved over time? I’d love to hear how you’re dealing with this tough transition!
