Tag: forgiveness

Forgiving yourself and the month of Elul

Soon, Jews all over the world will celebrate Rosh HaShanah. Literally translated it is the head of the year. One of the most important holidays. The one where we start reading the Torah over again from the beginning. Rolling the scrolls all the way back to the start. Telling the stories of the bible again from the beginning.

The beginning. A new beginning. Preceding this new beginning of the new year is a month of special blessings and prayers and activities to get ready for the holidays to come. The month is called Elul. Forgiveness.

So what is Elul?

Homes are cleaned and refreshed. Bread is tossed into bodies of water to symbolize casting out of sin and asking for forgiveness. Many wear white or lighter colors on these days to symbolize purity of thought. Extra blessing called Selichot are added to daily prayers and repeated on both Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur.

Between Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur, there is a period of ten days where people are supposed to ask forgiveness from someone that they have wronged. There is a pretty good loophole here as you may ask forgiveness from someone three times and if they refuse all three times God forgives you and you are absolved. That’s the forgiveness free card.

This is my interpretation of what goes on in Judaism. There are so many more knowledgeable people out there. My apologies if I have offended anyone’s sensibilities. My point here is that this forgiveness thing is built into one of the oldest religions in the world. Maybe there is some truth to it? Something we can take away and use in our own lives.

This is the part of this practice of forgiveness I would like people to adopt and incorporate into their lives every day.

My experience

I have seen too many families with feuds with whole branches of relatives that don’t speak. This can go on from one generation to another when eventually, no one even knows why they don’t speak. The hatred and scorn and animosity is carried forward and in some cases, the kids don’t know why they don’t speak to those family members. The feud outlasts its reason.

I have clients who are so angry at their exes that they are stuck and the contempt just lingers and builds and bubbles up even though the relationship is long over. They carry the disdain into everything they do. Have adopted a victim stance and don’t ever examine why they make the same choices over and over again and wonder why their dissatisfaction and unhappiness lingers. They bring it with them like well to reuse an overused phrase, luggage.

I have clients with health issues and they are angry and ask the question, “Why me?” instead of “Why not me.” No one is immune to pain or disease or heartache. I have had other clients who would like to be thin or thinner and that consumes their energy. Healthy isn’t enough. Somehow we believe that if we were ten pounds thinner life would be better. Life would be thinner sure but not necessarily better.

It is a heavy load

People carry the burden of something they have done or said throughout their lifetimes. They often make the same mistakes over and over again because the original deed, choice, or action was never undone or brought to light and forgiven.

Guilt is a heavy load to carry and can color all aspects of your life. (Tweet it!)

I propose to unpack our guilt and not lug it through another year. It can make us sick and rob us of joy. If you believe, as I do, that we do the best we can with the information we have at the time then it’s easier to forgive.

Make peace with it and then let it go. I recommend you to try to make amends. There are 12 step programs built on this principle, and most major religions are also built on similar tenants. The trick here is to forgive ourselves first.

The world is a scary place right now and we need to come together as humanity and move forward into light.

And if you had a forgiveness free card what would you use it on?

I know many parents who would have spent more time with their kids and less time at work.

How about forgiving yourself for not being home and getting less satisfaction out of raising your kids. They are still around and just because things have always been this way doesn’t mean they always will be.

If your adult kids don’t treat you well. Don’t allow it. You can limit your exposure. This is difficult and painful but may help you feel better in the short term. We all deserve respect especially from the people we are related to by blood and otherwise.

If a colleague is making you miserable, bring it to their attention or if that isn’t possible stop allowing them to get to you. Maybe they are very unhappy and this is the only way they can deal with their life. It doesn’t have to be your way.

Make a plan to do things a little differently in the future. No need to wait for a holiday. Fix it now.

Believe that you deserve happiness. It doesn’t have to be 10 on a scale of 1-10, but more joy than regret.

And if you need a little help on your journey to self-forgiveness, I’m around.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What would you use your forgiveness free card on?

Grief and kindness and three good things

In the last few weeks, I have been in touch with friends and counseled clients who have all lost quite elderly parents after long illnesses. I have watched and listened and supported as they have flown back and forth to be with their loved ones knowing that the end is near.

Day-to-day life changes as you listen for that phone, text, or email that will call you back to say goodbye for the last time. It is a strange limbo-like existence with missed emotions and overwhelming sadness.

It is hard to watch one of the first strong and vital influences in your life get old and frail and change places as that person is the one being cared for now. I have written about the sandwich generation before and the challenges both emotional and financial caring for young children and an ailing parent. It sucks.

Although it is difficult not to dwell on the indignities of illness and old age, I urge you to keep in your mind three moments or events that were positive and took place before the inevitable loss of the battle against time. It might be a hard task if the person you are mourning was unloving or unsupported, or if that person damaged you in any way.

We are in charge of our own memories

We can be haunted by them. Or comforted. Many of the clients I work with can’t let go of hurtful or painful of damaging things that have happened to them. Part of my practice is to talk about these things until they no longer have a hold and can let them go.

Work at trying to make those memories not of the illness or loss but of the part people played in our lives. My mother died half my children’s lifetime ago. And yet, to me, the loss will always be fresh. I think about her a lot. Wonder how she would handle something. And know exactly what she would say. And know that she would be proud of me. I try to live by her example of seeing the best in people and leaving the world a better place for having been. She taught me numerous and valuable lessons by example rather than telling. And I keep alive in the memories of people who loved her.

Sometimes, when the pain gets too great, we put pictures or keepsakes away. We encapsulate the wound. We don’t talk about the person who has died. Or we pretend the terrible times we had with them didn’t happen. The reverence almost erases the memory. To be angry with someone who can no longer hurt you is to turn that anger inward and that never has a good outcome.

So what do we do?

Use the time you have with someone to tell them how you feel. Say whatever needs to be said. Some things can never be forgiven, so forgive yourself. And try to let the guilt and anger go. Just because you are related to someone doesn’t mean you need to have them in your life. Especially not if they are toxic to you. Or you feel they would be harmful to your children.

If you can remember just three good things, even small events or interactions with the person you lost, then it is easier to move on. (Tweet it!)

A hug, a smile, a shared pleasant experience. As little as that. Something to hold on to that is positive rather than dwelling on the negative. Or trying to hold on to the fiction that they were good people.

I know parents who do not speak to their children. And children who have chosen not to speak to their parents. Only you can decide which relationships are worth nurturing and which are the ones you need to let go.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

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Forgiveness

And if you or your relations get to the end of life, will you feel guilty for your decision or relieved? Forgiveness is often not for someone else but for yourself so you can go on and live your best life possible.

Our relationships with other people are the core of our existence. We need to try to let the guilt go if the relationship ends. Relationships work until you are no longer served by the interactions. In simple terms, some people always take, and you as an adult get to decide where to draw the line.

In Judaism, there is a practice that once a year between our holiest holidays where we can ask the forgiveness of someone we have wronged three times. If they do not accept it, God forgives us, and in this, we begin to forgive ourselves. This is my interpretation of course but every major religion has a way to deal with forgiveness.

Forgiveness, like therapy, is for the person seeking it more than for the one who needs to be forgiven. When someone says or does something that injures you in some way, you are the one who carries that hurt around. People can be (and are) mean and messy and thoughtless. We all have to decide how much of this behavior to let into our lives. And to forgive ourselves for our own imperfections.