The interesting thing about difficult people is they can’t see themselves as difficult.
Heated arguments can pit you against a friend even though you both agree on all points. I have asked people on occasion to alter their tone or manner in speaking to me and it doesn’t work on everyone. The last time I asked someone to alter their tone they told me to shut up. An adult in a meeting. So I don’t use the tone of voice comments with that colleague anymore.
Some people are so confident in their feelings of rightness, righteousness or point of view that there is no room for disagreement, compromise, or real communication of any kind.
I had such an interaction a few weeks ago.
Irritation is in the eye of the beholder
During a conversation that went from funny, awkward, to downright uncomfortable, I realized that I had to distance myself from a friend.
The person in question was complaining about how people find her irritating but that it’s their problem. Everyone around them agreed about her shrillness and overall terrible disposition. This person was adamant that it was everyone else’s issue. It might have been funny if it wasn’t so uncomfortable.
Are you supposed to change in order to be in everyone’s good graces? Should you change your personality because of how other people perceive you? It’s a tricky question that really goes back to yourself. Will you be a happier you if you make these changes? Will society benefit from a kinder, more relaxed person?
On that same note, the change may be distancing yourself from that person who pushes you into negative thoughts, actions, or dispositions.
The sweetness
If there is someone in your life related to by blood, in your work life, your community or society who is always angry and extremely trying, let it go. You don’t need to stick around to be collateral damage.
There was a time in the world not so long ago when people of different opinions could get along just fine. This magical time allowed bleeding heart liberals and hard-right conservatives to work together respectfully and productively without drawing a line in the sand multiple times a day. Unfortunately, this is no longer the case in polite society. This is the world we live in at present. And we need to figure out a way to live with this higher level of negativity and hostility.
Pick your battles
A dear friend whose opinion I have appreciated on many subjects and have sought out on many occasions reminded me to “See them as they see themselves. Allow that they may have merit in their expertise or experience. Try to look beyond the bluster and unrestrained noise.”
Most difficult people are prone toward confrontation and are wired to enter into conflict. Don’t get suckered in. Pick your battles. Unless you are in danger, take a deep breath and stop before you take a step into the ring. Try to let it blow over you like a hot heavy breath, which often times it is. Get to the heart of the matter whether it be personal or professional.
Part of the responsibility of adulthood is to work at surrounding ourselves with people we feel comfortable with and who are supportive of who we are. But that certainly isn’t everyone in our environment.
I have found that one of the most important things about dealing with difficult people is that their hostile or grumpy attitude doesn’t have anything to do with me or you or even the situation at hand. (Tweet it!)
It may be the only way they know how to deal with their world. Maybe they feel powerless, thinking they can only get what they need by shouting and throwing an adult tantrum.
Solutions
Sometimes all it takes is an acknowledgment of what difficult people are saying. It’s cliche but “I hear you,” said verbally, electronically or expressed physically by a light touch on their arm can change the energy of the conversation. It can distract from an angry onslaught or balance the trigger of their normal way of interacting with people. It may turn off the switch or turn down the volume of another person’s dumping of negativity all over you.
Read the situation. Calling someone out on their negativity can put people on edge and often in a more defensive posture. Consider the timing. Let them vent, then bring their negativity to their awareness. In some unfortunate situations, it might be wise to limit your contact. It is more important to be civil than to be right.
I find counting to ten or taking a deep breath is often more successful than direct interaction. If someone is primed for a confrontation don’t engage. Don’t send the text, wait on that email before hitting send, take a breath. Think it over. If you still must say something, think of specific points and how they will take it. Will your message get across or will you feed their difficult personality?
Be kind to yourself.
