Why doesn’t Dad have any friends?

Dad needs friends too…

I heard a comedian say recently that “to be a great Dad you have to be an okay Mom.” It’s funny, right? It’s also outdated. For all the Moms who did it all, it’s a nice validation. For many of the young men with families I teach and counsel in my practice, it’s a daily struggle.

Working, being a spouse, extended family commitments, and putting endless energy into raising children, doesn’t leave a young Dad much time to do anything else. They are suffering silently for their diligence. Everyone needs friends but, for those with overfull lives, it’s hard to make or take the time. In many of their minds the “time off” can’t be justified. Guilt is a common response. I’m not saying that Mom doesn’t feel this too, I’m just dedicating this one to the Dads trying to balance it all as well.

We all need friends

After high school or college, we find it harder and harder to connect with people. Our world may be technologically connected but at the huge cost of isolation for many. People have lost the ability to read social cues and interact in a way that opens up the possibility of friendship and camaraderie. The fear of embarrassment and rejection is real, and we feel lonely.

These are my observations and not based on anything scientific but women tend to bond more easily and anywhere. Over children, at work, in line getting coffee and make the time to keep friendships vital. So why can’t men do the same?

Anthropologically men communicate even with someone new, in a hierarchy of power. Which one of them is higher up the food chain. It’s a tough position from which to make friends. Some men may feel they are ‘better-than’ but mostly, men wonder if they are the less-than.

As machoness makes way for more involved Dads, they struggle to create the social structures which support this new role. (Tweet it!)

They should be speaking about money, women, and drinks but those men are harder to find. Most modern men want to spend free time on the floor playing legos, Barbie, or whatever game their child invented that day.

Women communicate to make a connection. To see what they have in common. This tends to lead to more chances to connect.

Get out

If your buddies aren’t coupled up or if they are child-free and your life is all about the little people in your life, it may be hard to find common ground. Also, young fathers feel tremendous guilt spending time with friends instead of being home or doing their share of childcare.

Date night is always a great idea. You shouldn’t feel guilty for going out one night. It is a wonderful opportunity if you and your life partner have some time outside the house to relax and have fun. Although it doesn’t really fill the space of having a friend outside your family unit, it’s someone to commiserate with and share challenges and fears and have a laugh.

Men tend to require an activity to be with other men. Something else to focus on so they won’t be seen as weak or girly. Playing sports, watching sports, and talking about sports might work for some guys. But not all. If you are not into sports you might need to find some other common ground.

I know about a men’s book group that gets together once a month. Pretty sure none of the guys ever read the book. Maybe one guy, the rest kick back with a beer and talk about nothing in particular. It is a safe place to decompress and having a book. Even if you don’t get around to reading it is a shared positive experience.

So, what should young fathers do to connect to other young father’s or men in general?

1. Come up with a game plan.

Pun intended.

Figure out an activity that is non-threatening and invite some guys.

A paint party where you actually paint something that needs to be painted! The family room? The garage? Teach them your standard dish for last minute dinners. An activity to literally break the ice. Everyone feels awkward and embarrassed in an unfamiliar environment. Make the first move. Shake somebody’s hand and introduce yourself. He will probably thank you and be relieved.

2. Attend an event in your community.

Immediate commonality.

Charity drives are good. You and the guy or guys could gather donations of clothes or blankets or canned food. It gives you an activity to bond over and help people in need. Also, offer to drive when someone is collecting something. It gives you something to do and an important role.

3. Volunteer at your place of worship.

Join one, or just go visit.

Having a spiritual connection to something once a week or a month helps to organize your life and add meaning. There are bible studies in any bible you want. Bring cookies to the men’s group meeting. That makes you immediately the most popular guy in the room.

4. Reach out to old friends.

It couldn’t be easier now with all our social media. Find a buddy from college you were close to and reconnect with them. It’s good to be reminded of what you were like before adulthood. A lot of the world is snowed in at the moment so use the time to find someone you have lost touch with. Facebook, LinkedIn, or Google them. It’s not hard to search for an old friend.

5. Try a new hobby.

And follow up with someone you meet.

Make the effort. Step out of your comfort zone. Start small. A workshop, a couple of hours on a Tuesday evening. Haven’t you always wanted to rock climb? Learn about wine? How about taking a course at your local community center or college. I’m sure you can get a catalog online easily. No online courses though, that’s another issue.

And let me know how it goes. If you need a little more encouragement or help with a game plan sign up for a discovery call with me. It’s a perfect time to make a new friend or connect with an old one. You will be blessed tenfold. Now get out there and connect. And remember this: You are a good Dad.

Be kind to yourself.

How to know when it’s time to break up with a friend

How to know when it's time to break up with a friend | Tamara Mendelson

Friendships are an integral part of our lives going back to the first friends we had living in the same house, our siblings. Or maybe cousins or other people like the friends of our parents that came across our paths. Later, it would be the other children at pre-school. The ones we learned to take or share toys with. Push, bite, hug, chase around the playground. We practiced how to interact with other human beings.

Some of us are lucky enough to still be in contact with our friends from kindergarten (yeah Facebook), kids from the neighborhood, youth groups or summer camp. Sometimes, we make friends from grade school, junior high school, high school, or college. Perhaps work friends or people with hobbies in common or professional groups.

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog post about reconnecting with old friends. Especially this time of year. Now let’s talk about the flip side of that same coin…

When to break up with a friend.

People move in and out of our lives all the time. The challenge is to know which friends to let go of and which to keep. Relationships can be nurturing and loving or harmful and toxic. Let’s not forget all the gray areas in between. Being with people can lift you up or bring you down. Dynamics can change and jealousy or circumstances can bring you together or pull you apart. I talk about this a lot with clients during coaching sessions.

It can be an event that makes you closer or divides you. There have been a few times that I have been unable to continue a friendship because an act that is so thoughtless hurt me to my core. The friendship wasn’t new. It was strong and deep and a decade long. We had shared many meals and events and our children grew up together. I had been generous with my time and limited resources. There was a lot of love. Early morning airport pickups and hospital runs. Hugs and laughter.

Then over an event my partner’s kids and I were invited to, I participated in the pre-event festivities. It was a lovely event. The day after, I was told by text in no uncertain terms that I had not given enough money.

I was humiliated and heartbroken and hurt to the core.

I wrote a check I couldn’t afford. Then I questioned a few people who maybe knew better than I did about the etiquette of the situation. One person after another agreed with me. My partner was angry and upset for me.

A few weeks later, I visited their home and we talked about the incident. And said some of the right things but I continued to feel so bad and so hurt that I couldn’t continue the relationship with the same generous open spirit. The friendship has never been the same. Sometimes, it’s one event. Sometimes it’s an erosion or an unevenness in participation.

And we need to keep ourselves safe emotionally, even from people that we care about and call friends. (Tweet it!)

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So how to tell when it’s time to break up with a friend?

5 simple rules:

1. When jokes or comments are constantly made at your expense.

Or you are embarrassed in public. And the phrase just kidding keeps being said. It is often a passive-aggressive situation. This isn’t a friend but someone who uses you as a human comic punching bag putting you down to make themselves feel better.

2. They are undependable.

Forgetting important events or plans. Doesn’t make you a priority or continually makes other plans even after you have confirmed a date or get together. Sorry, I’m double booked. Everyone is busy and your time is equally important. If you feel you are being taken for granted you probably are.

3. Someone you feel like you have to chase to get in touch with them.

You are always calling and always making plans. If you didn’t you would never see them at all. There are friendships that you value and this might be the price but you have to decide if reciprocity is important to you or not. If it doesn’t bother or worry you then don’t count this person out if you enjoy their company in spite of being the plans maker all the time.

4. Someone who is completely self-centered.

Or self-focused and only uses you as a sounding board or to complain to or dump on. Yes, we all have difficult times when things are all about us but it can’t be that way all the time. Friendship should be a give and take, not a take and take and take.

5. Do you feel supported by your friends?

Do they make you feel good to be with them? And do they tell you the truth and have your back? Or do you feel like you have to defend yourself and be guarded about what you tell them? It’s all about trust. When you invest yourself in another human being you need to know there is a level of trust. If not, they are not good for you.

A good rule to remember is that a friend keeps your secrets, they see you and take your side and tell you the truth. You feel better when you talk to them and spend time with them. They are not a burden but a blessing.

This year give yourself the gift of people who lift you up and not bring you down. To have good friends you have to be a good friend. If you find you need a little extra help, reach out.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: Do you have any friendships that might not lift you up anymore? Is it time to break up with that friend?

You get by with a little help from your friends

you get by with a little help from your friends | Tamara Mendelson
You know how some weeks just suck? Really suck and you can’t wait for them to be over?

And even though you know you are blessed and you count those blessings it just doesn’t seem to be quite enough?

Well for a lot of reasons I have had a week like that. I seem to have a seasonal headache that doesn’t go away. Don’t feel quite like myself. I feel a bit like I’m sleepwalking through my life.

The senior educators where I work are on strike and they are all dedicated professionals who want to have better conditions and are being marginalized by the government. And we all talk about needing more resources put towards education but it seems like just another empty political promise.

No, I didn’t cross picket lines. My union was on strike a few weeks ago. We ended the strike thinking there would be negotiations. So far it’s just talk.

So many bad things are happening

The wildfires that continue to rage in California are heartbreaking to watch. I lived in both Southern and Northern California for years and my heart goes out to all the people affected by this tragedy. It looks like the end of days.

And children are still separated from their parents at the southern border of the United States, and a country full of immigrants is grappling with closing borders and keeping immigrants out.

Yemen is in famine conditions and wars in the middle east rages on. It doesn’t matter what side of the political fence you sit. The world is a mess.

The fact that more women were elected into congress is a good thing. That RBG broke three ribs, not so good.

I did not listen to my own advice

One of the things I tell my clients is to limit the amount of noise they let into their lives. Especially things they cannot change. This week I did not listen to my own advice.

I was coming home a few nights ago after a long day. It was dark and in between torrential rain showers. There were flashes of lightning in the distance. I was listening to the news about a ceasefire on the border with Gaza and I heard a terrible noise coming from my car. I thought I had run something over and noise grew louder and the car was shaking. The stirring pulled to the left and I pulled over a few miles from home.

I got out of my car shaking and walked around to the passenger side and my tire (that I had check a week before) was shredded. There was nothing left of it. I had never seen a blow out quite like this. The rim had taken the puncture and reduced the tire to strips of rubber. It reminded me of retreads you sometimes see on the highway from big rigs.

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It was deep breath time

I put the flashers on and called my boyfriend. He lives an hour away and sent me a YouTube video of how to change a tire. Seriously? In the dark by myself? He way over estimated my abilities in this situation. I can jump a dead battery. I cannot change a tire in the dark at night alone.

Leaning against the car I thought about my best option. A tow truck would take hours. I could have called my daughter to pick me up but had to do something about the car. And I couldn’t leave it there in a bus lane overnight.

I called my friend M and said I needed help. It was passed dinner time and I figured she would be home or at least nearby. She is the strongest woman I know physically and her father made her learn how to change a tire before she could drive the family car. She trained as a nurse and is a good friend.

“Hey girl”
“I need help”
“Where are you?”
“On the side of the road with a blow out”
“I’ll be right there.”

While I was waiting I dug in the trunk and put all the accumulated crap in the back seat. I found the small replacement tire. People drove by and honked. A couple walked by and just stared as if I was an attraction on the evening walk.

Within five minutes my friend was there

First thing she did was park her car behind mine, put on her flashers, find the hazard triangle and find the jack and lug wrench which I had never used. As I was holding the flashlight apps on both our phones and she was jumping up and down on the lug wrench to release the tire.

A young man rode by on his electric bike. Parked under the dim street light and asked if he could help. We laughed and said of course. He was dressed in rainwear head to to. Then he said his name was Or which means light. He installed the jack and within a few minutes he and M had wrestled the old pieces of tire free and put on the replacement.

I thanked him profusely and asked if I could buy him and his wife dinner. He said no, he had stopped to help someone with a dead battery up the road and he knew it wouldn’t rain on him because he was doing a Mitzvah, a good deed. His wife was waiting at home and he would be on his way.

We repacked the trunk. M took a picture of the tire and then took it with her as her family owns a tire shop. Same shop where I bought the tires. I hugged her and told her I would see her husband in the morning. Then she took the rim chuckling at what was left of the tire.

So in those moments with the help of a friend and a stranger my little corner of the world was okay. I was safe and it was fixable. And that’s the lesson.

If something can be fixed we count our blessing. (Tweet it!)

Try to be fully present in your life.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: How have you been lately? What do you do to be fully present in your life?

On the power of long-term friendships after divorce

long-term-friendships-after-divorce-tamara-mendelson

Traveling isn’t any fun anymore. The world is a scary place and the security checks and long lines in passport control (although necessary for our safety) are tough on the traveler. Being compressed into a germ-filled, flying tin can for hours on end doesn’t add to the glamour. Especially when not everyone shares the same level of personal hygiene or possesses an inside voice.

It had been some difficult months for me and I was looking forward to some quiet time with one of my dearest friends. We had three days planned. Thanks to a canceled flight with no explanation from the airline, one of those days were spent not going anywhere. I reached my destination 24 hours late.

I was so disappointed. Calling her from baggage claim, upset and teary-eyed, I waited to pick up the luggage I had checked three hours earlier. A night of sleep had been lost and the next night would be no different. She was calm and sweet and very reassuring. Spending time with her has always felt like a salve. She has an amazing telephone voice. I hung up the phone, grabbed my bag, and headed to the taxi stand. Coaching my client’s to deal with stressful situations is one of the most rewarding parts of my work. I help them face challenges head-on, it was time to listen to my own advice.

Getting by with a little help from long-term friendships

As I was riding home early that morning, I thought about our friendship. It began in the spring of 1986 when a mutual friend skipped our introduction brunch. The memories came flooding back.

The thing about life-long friendships is the love and acceptance one receives (Tweet it!)

That sometimes doesn’t happen in our marriages. It shouldn’t be that way, but oftentimes it seems to be.

We have known one another through 30 plus years. We’ve lived on different continents for the last 20 years. We see each other maybe once a year for big life events and very special occasions. We were married and pregnant the same summer with her youngest and my oldest child. Neither of our marriages survived but our friendship has endured for three decades. My kids think of her as an auntie and her kids call me auntie.

I remember when she called me in the middle of the night to tell me her marriage was over. She is one of the most intelligent, charming, and capable women I have ever met. The pain she was feeling was evident in her tone of voice. I listened carefully, holding my infant son over my shoulder. I did everything I could think of to reassure her that her decision was the right one for her and her children. When my own marriage broke up some ten years later, she was the one to insist I get a lawyer.

Learning from the best

My parenting style is modeled after watching her interact with her own children. Yes, they were children of divorce, but they were also children that knew they were cherished and would be very generous, productive members of society. The “cure cancer” kind of world-bettering people. She is a very successful businesswoman, and yet her children are her proudest legacy.

She was waiting at the gate when I finally landed and enveloped me in a hug. We walked arm and arm to the car. Our time together was closer to 36 hours than the three planned days. We hugged a lot and laughed a lot, exchanged small gifts, and caught up on our children & friends. My carry-on was falling apart, and she insisted on giving me one of hers. I will smile every time I use it knowing it was from S. A little good luck charm to help me safely on my travels until she and I meet again.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: how did your divorce affect your long-term friendships?