After my divorce, it was an attractive thought to curl up in a ball and stay in bed, mourning the marriage that was. It wasn’t that I didn’t know that I would ultimately be better off, it was the fear of the unknown that enwrapped me. Above all, I had two teenage children living with me who deserved support and stability. I found these five strategies very helpful. Hope you will too.
Here is how to remain intact through your divorce
1. Understand that grieving is a process.
Give yourself time.
A divorce is a loss. There will be strong feelings. Try not to turn them inward by assigning blame or blaming yourself. Be gentle with yourself.
Feelings are not like light switches and you cannot turn them on or off like the light over the kitchen table. Speak with people that you trust. Probably your former mother-in-law is not the best choice to confide in. Your friends, family, or a professional is your best direction.
Wallowing is appropriate, especially after a long relationship. There may be feelings of relief mixed with sadness. This is normal and your feelings matter. Let them be felt. By acknowledging them, you can move at your own pace and take time to figure out what moving on even means to you.
2. Young children cannot be your support system.
I’m all for being strong when kids are around. It’s okay to let them know you are hurting but your inability to cope will scare them. It is better not to depend on them for support as they often think they are to blame for a break-up. Let them know that’s not the cause and your burden is not there’s.
Seeking professional help for children or allowing them to express their feelings is really important. There are books for kids about divorce which are specifically age appropriate. Let your family doctor or pediatrician know what’s going on, they’ll be able to support you as well, by assisting with stress-related recommendations or resources.
If children begin to show signs of depression such as not eating, trouble sleeping, or a sadness that is present all the time, reach out. Under no circumstances make them pick sides. (Tweet it!)
3. Know where you stand, property and otherwise.
This may be one of the most important challenges when a marriage or relationship breaks up. It doesn’t speak to the emotions but does give you a place to start rebuilding. That means understanding the finances of your current situation.
How much property do you own? How about stocks, bank accounts, securities etc. The more informed you are, the better decision you can make. It will help explain your situation to a lawyer or mediator. Remember, a mediator just wants a signed document and don’t always have your best interests in mind.
You need to be up to speed on all things financial which affect your family going forward. Knowledge is power. It is always a good idea to contact an accountant, lawyer, or another financial professional for at least a consultation so you will know your rights and have the facts.
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4. Plan for the future. What do you want?
What do you want? Seems like an easy question to answer, but it’s not. Like many people, you have probably subverted your wants and needs for the good of the family. You’ve adapted yourself to please your former spouse and now is the time to explore what it is that you want.
If the question is too daunting to answer all at once, think of it in a time frame or smaller fragments of time. For now, the next hour or perhaps the next month or year.
Have you always wanted to go back to school? Change careers? Go back to work? Travel? There is great freedom and satisfaction in trying to figure this out. Is there a hobby that you used to enjoy and no longer spend time doing? Play guitar, learn Spanish, bake pastries?
Make a plan and make yourself a priority.
5. Get the help you need during this transition.
When I was going through my divorce, I found writing tremendously helpful. I asked myself some hard questions and developed exercises to really get to the heart of the issues I was dealing with.
Then I returned to writing and shared a myriad of emotions with the page in front of me. I find writing to be especially therapeutic and unburdening. It was a powerful tool which helped me reconnect with my emotional self.
This writing, connecting, and unburdening left me with a roadmap. A general guide that anyone can follow through their divorce in order to gain closure and move towards a fulfilling life.
Over time I have developed this interactive guide to include stories, poems, thought exercises, and stimulating coloring pages which help your mind wander in a focused frame.
This interactive guide will help you with finding a way to get in touch with yourself. Whether through writing, baking, jogging, or any form of creativity, it is more important than you may realize. And before you say you are not creative, I assure you, in your own special way, you are creative.
Think of yourself and see what makes you happy, what gets you excited, and what are you simply not ready to try yet?
Now over to you. What have you done which helped you remain intact through the stages of divorce? Where are you in your journey and if you could go back, what would you tell yourself?
Be kind to yourself.
