The Art of Mentoring Happiness

mentoring-happiness

Mentoring happiness.

Are you rolling your eyes? Asking yourself how anyone can mentor happiness? Come on, you can be honest. That eye rolling can keep us cynical and separate. Above it all, right?

I used to roll my eyes all the time when I read something or heard something or saw something I thought was ridiculous. There was no lack of internal snide comments. They made encore appearances when I was feeling especially uncomfortable, feeling ‘other’, or simply, left out.

We as human beings are instinctively fearful of being left out. Historically, it has helped us to be biologically programmed to be part of a group, so a saber-toothed tiger wouldn’t eat us. (Please, no emails or comments about how our Homo-species and Saber-toothed Tigers may not have ever lived together.) The point is, we are programmed to live in groups. In groups, there is inherently conflict.

Thinner, Smarter, Richer

I used to think “if only I were thinner, slightly smarter, made more money, did even more for people” that the demons would go away. They didn’t. So, I started to think about what I wanted. It felt selfish, yet always freeing. Now I help other people to find their happiness.

There’s a delicate balance between getting along in a group or being subservient to that group. It is a struggle that many of us wage all our lives, starting with the family we are born into. (Tweet it!)

The prism that colored my life was about pleasing people. If I did things for people or was the child no one had to worry about, then they would like me or love me and I wouldn’t feel so alone, so other, so out there & unprotected.

Eventually, this weight of pleasing people almost smothered me. I realized through a series of grave life events, dissolution of marriage, death of a parent, my own health issues that pleasing everyone else and not myself was not sustainable or healthy for me or the people I loved.

Happiness is a choice. That is what I believe.

Just get started

Procrastination is a choice. It can be used as a resting stop or momentary stress reliever. Hopefully, that moment allows you to enter into a difficult task, conflict, or some kind of unpleasantness. When taken to the extreme, procrastination can be used to avoid happiness.

It doesn’t feel like that at the time. It just feels like avoiding something difficult or painful. We get stuck in the old paradigm of our lives, letting our squirrel brain take over. And we get back on that exercise wheel, reenacting a pattern in the same manner as we did yesterday and the day before and the year before that. We stay in relationships that are not good for us. And we stay in a work situation that isn’t positive or nurturing. Breaking out of a cycle of stress and depression takes a leap of faith and some help.

Are you ready to live a happier life?

I don’t mean you will wake up every day and jump out of bed singing (unless you want to, in which case, go for it.)

I mean, start letting go of what you think you should be doing and start spending more time doing those things you want to be doing. That feeling of contentment, a few minutes here and there, when you are finally experiencing the present moment. That blissful feeling of enjoying whatever it is going on in your life.

One of my clients was beating his head against the wall trying to make a relationship work that didn’t have a chance. He felt anxious, misunderstood, and trapped. When we examined what he really wanted, he realized that this relationship of fighting, apologizing, and bending to someone else’s will wasn’t working for him, yet it was familiar.

He let it go. And it was a relief. He still wants a companion and special someone in his life but one who appreciates who he is, without shoving him in someone else’s mold.

Slow down

My role wasn’t to impart some big secret truth of the universe. It was to get him to slow down. Allow him to recognize the patterns in his choices. Slowly he realized that ‘very familiar’ doesn’t mean ‘very good’ or even ‘positive’.

men·tor- An experienced and trusted advisor. adviser, guide, confidant, confidante, counselor, consultant

Another of my clients was so angry at her ex-husband that she stopped living her own life. She couldn’t experience joy and vowed never to be happy again. The problem as I saw it was that she didn’t exist in a vacuum. Her children were being negatively impacted by the big black cloud of misery which she was carrying around. Finally, she came to me, worried about one of her children.

As it turned out, this worrying behavior was mirroring his mother and her behavior. He loved his father and was very confused about what was happening.

After some very uncomfortable conversations and work, she realized that she wasn’t really angry. She was deeply hurt. It was a breakthrough which allowed us to work through this together. She stopped stalking her ex on Facebook and stopped using her kids as her sounding board. She isn’t quite ready to date but her kids are much happier and she has started to enjoy life a bit more.

Together

Are you ready to be mentored towards happiness? Send me an email or a quick message and we can discuss.

Remember, we all deserve to be happy.

Be kind to yourself.

 

 

 

 

The one brave thing to stop doing if you want to be an adult

Some of us had shitty parents. There, I said it. It’s true. Many of us came from a generation of parents and grandparents who thought feeding and sheltering us was more than enough. And that worked for some families.

The problem is there are many of us in the over 30 crowd that are still blaming our parents for missed opportunities or genetic challenges or financial difficulties. Like no trust fund for example. Or having to put ourselves through school. Or being cut off at 18 to go make our ways in the world.

Nothing is more boring that hearing grown ass adults whining about missed opportunities caused by bad parenting. I have a whole bunch of friends whose parents were new immigrants. Dutch, French, Swedish and that added a whole different dimension in their American childhoods. Pretty sure Halloween trick or treating, Thanksgiving, and all the American traditions surrounding that, and American history added to the difficulty of transition and translation. Strange food in your lunch box. Good character building exercise.

Work through your issues

IF you are over 30 and still angry at your parents you should seek some counselling to work through some issues. You cannot, let me repeat, you cannot be the kind of person you want to be when blaming the people that brought you into the world. Especially not 50 years after the fact.

Maybe you grew up in a house of physical abuse. There was a time in the not too distant past when teachers and all adults for that matter were allowed to hit kids. This is a cycle that has been broken in our society but the scars linger. This kind of abuse can result in becoming an abuser or a victim or a doormat. These examples are extreme and people are fragile and need help working these things out. The fear is that we pass on this unhealthy interaction onto our own kids. Mad as hell? Don’t lift your hand.

Maybe your parents were divorced. Oh, stigma and heart ache. Much more common. But at a time when people didn’t regularly break up it was an emotional roadblock. Then there are the other folks that should have broken up and were just angry and bitter all the time. Lovely environment.

It is quite possible that your parents married young and had no terrific role models in their own families and it was a learn on the job kind of experience.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2018 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
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It’s a choice

What if your parents were substance abusers? Even if alcoholism does run in your family it’s a choice. It is a disease and choosing not to put it into your body is something you, at least at the beginning, have control over. We are an entire society of self medicators. The only people that is good for own bottling companies and pharmaceutical companies.

We are so good at numbing any kind of pain or discomfort. This pain is a way for our bodies and minds to get you to pay attention. So, figure out why you need that drink or that pill or that puff. These stop gap tactics don’t help in the long run and the pain never sees the light of day and can never be resolved. Am I saying go confront your parents and tell them all these things you learned about your childhood? No, they won’t be receptive. The therapy is for you to come to terms with what happened to you and how to move forward in a positive and healthy way. To make sure your family life is different and full of well-being and joy.

Your past is past. (Tweet it!)

You can make peace with it and then move forward the way you want to. Have you left the past behind or are you still carrying around the heavy baggage that informs all your decisions?

Ask yourself some of the following questions;

If I am in an emotionally charged situation, do I respond like a five-year-old?

Is my immediate reaction hostile and angry?

Do I yell or reach for a bottle of pills or booze or both?

Do I often overreact to situations around me with the people I live with or work with?

Am I often angry and perceive my world as someone who is entitled to more and feel I receive less?

If your reactions to any or all of these questions you need to go make peace with your childhood or you are going to keep repeating the patterns of hurt and angry indefinitely.

Make rules

I have a client who has been the family punching bag for her whole life. Every family event was devastating to her and she was angry all the time. She wanted to be treated differently but never said a word or changed her behaviour in any way. Although she is the VP of a very successful company but when she goes home (we can never go home again but that’s another issue) it’s a disaster. She allows people to treat her disrespectfully and tease her about things that happened 40 years ago.

It never occurred to her that she was allowing people to be unkind to her. After some really painful work she’s not going home anymore. She’s not supporting her birth family financially anymore. She is not playing her role or being sucked into the guilt. She made some ground rules and feels much better about herself.

To Recap: If you want to live the life you have always meant to live… Quit blaming your parents and figure out where your anger or sadness is coming from. Seek professional help and don’t put up with bad behavior from the people you grew up with.

If you want to talk about it, sign up for a discovery call with me and we can make a plan to get you back on the path you want to be on towards leading a happier and healthier life.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What are your ghosts of the past? How do you deal with them?

Why happy shouldn’t be the goal but happier should

Being happy all the time is unrealistic and bad for your health. Putting on a happy face is not a life goal. Being happier is. Our world is a turbulent place and happy is one of many emotions that we feel daily. We are an insecure tribe and it’s okay to feel your feelings.

This is not an invitation to sit your four-year-old down and tell her about nuclear arms. This is an invitation to check in with yourself, see how you are doing and don’t feel obligated to always answer fine when someone asks how you are.

Have you ever felt anxious and depressed? And did feeling that way make you feel more anxious and depressed? Did you think something was wrong with you? I did for a long time. Looking back, I have had intense periods of anxiety dating back to my teenage years. Some of our brains are just wired that way. It doesn’t make us damaged. It make us human.

We are not meant to be happy all the time. (Tweet it!)

It’s not the constant state of being for people. We have a full range of emotional experiences. And our emotions are subject to change all the time. As adults, one of the things we can strive for is even temperedness. Some people are more cheerful than others, some people more dramatic.

Not being clinically depressed or having an anxiety disorder, PTSD and other real and diagnosed issues. Those things are real and a constant battle to keep a daily equilibrium. Not of happy and skippy but just of putting one foot in front of another and getting through another day. That is a whole different kind of being that I would be happy to speak more about if the interest is there.

It is okay to be down

A little wallowing is good for the soul. It gives you time to consider or grieve or figure out what comes next. And if you are up all the time how are you going to be able to handle the down? Examining what is bringing you down is also a good exercise. Is it something outside of your control? Then letting go might be in order. Or is it an inside issue you are struggling with?

Life is challenging and if you are happy all the time regardless of your situation, is that really an honest way of being? I am not recommending telling your deepest darkest secrets to everyone who asks you how you are. I am saying be a little more honest with the people you are closest to. Lighten your emotional load by unburdening yourself to a trusted friend, family member or counsellor.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2018 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
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Here are 5 strategies to live a calmer and happier life:

1. Turn off the news.

Limit your exposure to one source once a day. There is nothing more damaging to those of us trying to live a gentler life than constant updates of world events we have no control over. And news is less about information and more about sensationalism. It’s meant to get a reaction so slow it down.

2. Limit your access to your devices.

Do you have to answer every text the minute it beeps on your smartphone? Those noise reminders are keyed into your nervous system so you feel compelled to answer. Turn off the bells and whistles. If you need to check in for work once an hour it is probably okay. If you have little kids, feel okay about where they are and how they are doing as often as you need to.

3. Stop comparing yourself and your family to anyone else’s.

Every family has its own drama. There is no such thing as normal. Do not begin sentences is your head like “If only we were…If only I was…” These are no win scenarios and they only lead to us feeling bad. No one knows exactly what goes on in other people’s families or lives. Normal doesn’t exist. Stop comparing. Facebook is the dressed up Sunday best of everyone’s lives. Don’t compare.

4. Get quiet long enough to figure out what you want.

Stay in that space until you can hear that voice in your head. Not the one that tells you negative things. Not the one that tries to keep you safe by keeping you from doing things that put you out there. But the voice that wants something different for you, that brave inner voice that helps you leave a bad job, a bad relationship, forgives you for being human.

5. Do something new.

Actually go somewhere new and try a new activity. Take a class. Take a walk. See new things. Fill up your experience cup. Dust off your dancing shoes and dance. Be happier.

Let me know how it goes.

If you want a little help, fill out an application and come work with me to lead a happier more calm life. I’m listening.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2018 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
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Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What pain do you live with? How do you handle it?