Every day can be difficult after a breakup or divorce. Celebrating the holidays after divorce can be a miserable time fraught with emotion and disappointment. There’s no getting around the fact that your first Christmas/ Hanukkah post-divorce is going to feel all wrong – holidays are all about family and tradition.
There are five rules I’ve developed over the years that can make the transition into the holidays easier and happier for all concerned.
Here are my 5 rules to celebrate (and enjoy!) the holidays after divorce!
Invent new traditions
There is nothing sadder than trying to keep traditions alive without all the people that used to participate in them. This is especially true if you and your ex are not on good enough terms to be in the same room. The children will feel the tension and the only thing you will be celebrating is when the meal is over and you can return to your own corners.
Decorate sugar cookies with your kids before they head off to your ex’s celebration. Ask your kids what they would like to do. Their ideas may surprise you. Harry Potter marathon anyone? Experiment with a holiday dish you’ve been wanting to try but never made because your ex turned up their nose. Wear your pajamas all day long. Just be okay with whatever you decide.
If being with your family is too much for you, skip it this year. You and your children can make other plans. There is nothing more uncomfortable than having people discuss your divorce and your social life over a family dinner or at a holiday party.
Decorate
If you have never decorated before, this is a perfect time to start. If you have boxes of old ornaments, choose only the ones that bring you joy. Think about what you can do to liven up your space. If money is tight, streamers and paper chains are a good family activity and participation is a good way to get everyone into the spirit. It’s not about the stuff. It’s about being together.
For example, a poinsettia is an amazingly hardy plant with bright red and green leaves. They are available everywhere and will last for months with very little care. Most kids love to hang streamers and with colored paper and a little tape or glue you can make homemade streamers.
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If you are not a DIY person, a couple candles and a happy upbeat saying on a piece of wood is festive. Soap in shapes you like. A few hand towels with snowmen on them. A snow globe from a trip or your own hometown. Use the good dishes. A mug with a saying you like filled with candy on the table.
Don’t be alone
If the kids are celebrating with your ex on Thanksgiving, Christmas, or First Night of Hanukkah, join someone else’s family celebration. Don’t sulk at home! Unless your dream for a perfect holiday includes binge watching your favorite movies in cozy pajamas with hot chocolate stirred with a candy cane. Okay, maybe that’s just me.
Be proactive, be proactive, be proactive
The holidays should not come as a surprise. They are mostly on the same days every year.
The day after Halloween, Christmas decorations go up and people start talking about Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Hanukkah, or whatever they plan to celebrate.
It’s just a day. 24 hours. If you have kids, don’t fight about who gets whom when and where. It just adds to the stress of an already stressful time of year. If you aren’t a fan of the holidays, try to think of the ways you can include things that you want to do.
Do the work before the day. Don’t wait until the morning of to suffer. Talk to a counselor, clergy, friends, and family and make sure they all know how you are. Make plans and try not to wallow. It’s a difficult time of year for lots of people and you will only be alone if you want to be. If people don’t know your situation, they can’t help.
Get into the spirit of giving
Keep in mind the things you are grateful for. They can be small things, like not having your uncle Harry’s nose. Your sense of humor. Or larger, more soulful things, like the fact that your friends and family are healthy and safe.
Being grateful and counting your blessings is a documented way to start feeling more positive.
There are so many people in need right now between floods, shootings, and fires. It’s a great time to donate things that you no longer want or need. Being generous doesn’t mean writing a check necessarily. It can also mean donating your time as well as unwanted or unneeded items.
There are churches, synagogues, community centers, and all sorts of charities that run programs all year but especially during the holidays. Sometimes helping others less fortunate brings the spirit of the holidays home in a way spending money or buying presents can’t.
Throw your own party
Sometimes too much family time isn’t a good thing for everyone and an excuse to have some fun might be just the tonic other people need.
How about a desert and eggnog competition? A chili cook-off? This could be a great way for people to gather together and blow off some built-up steam. It can be a random day and not on the actual holiday so as not to compete with other events and guarantee a larger turnout.
Or maybe try an ugly sweater party or a light brunch before all the other festivities happen. It’s your time to take the holidays back and do what you want with the people you care about.
It’s not about the day. It’s about the spirit of the season. (Tweet it!)
Peace on Earth. Send light into the universe. Joy begets joy.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: What will you do to make your post-divorce holiday season a little brighter this year?