Almost every single one of my clients asks at some point, “Why is it so hard to be alone?”
But I think this question is confusing. Most of all my clients have chosen to end a relationship that was destructive to their self-esteem, their self-worth, their children, or their physical body. Some are left by a thoughtless, self-centered narcissist. And although they’re emotionally devastated, they know in their hearts that it’s better for this negative, soul-sucking influence to be out of their lives.
On modern loneliness
Loneliness is an epidemic in our fast-paced, technologically obsessed world. Text messages are convenient and quick, but they can’t take the place of a real connection to a real person, in the flesh. Even the telephone has been replaced by email, WhatsApp, Facebook, iMessage, or any number of other apps that don’t allow you to hear the person’s voice or tone or inflection.
Evolutionarily, we can only handle between 100-200 friends, acquaintances, and colleagues. So if you have 1,000 people on your Facebook page, who are your friends and what kind of friends are they?
There is something soothing and magical about a face-to-face conversation. There are countless studies on the subject. As social beings, we need the real interaction.
So the real questions are:
As survivors of divorce, are we lonely for the intimacy that a partner provides?
Is it the physicality of being in a partnership? The sex? Having someone to cook for or someone to cook for you? Drilling down on the need that is not being met is a better way to answer this question.
Are we lonely or alone because we spend so much time keeping up on social media that we have lost the connections with the real people in our lives?
On being alone
Yes, being alone is hard. Intimacy takes time to create. I don’t suggest you jump back into a relationship or have breakup sex. Just examine what you are feeling. We need people. Loneliness can be alleviated by calling a friend and actually meeting face to face.
So this week, ask one of your geographically close friends to have a drink or a coffee or see a movie and see if that makes you feel less lonely.
At our core, we are tribal people and we are interdependent and interconnected to the people around us. Try getting of the internet and really connecting.
How to cope
And when do we feel the loneliest?
In 12-step recovery programs, the HALT method is applied when one is more likely to lapse into addictive behavior.
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Sound familiar? I would add “touch” to this list as well.
So hug yourself. You are a kind and competent being and you are doing excellent work on yourself. Get a 15 minute massage. Put a bag of flour in the microwave for 30 seconds and put it on your neck when you hold the tension there.
Go outside and see some people. Pet a dog or a cat. Get some exercise. Watch your favorite funny movie or television show. Chocolate works too.
Be kind to yourself.Now over to you: Why is it hard for you being alone?
In my classroom last week we had a discussion about the good and bad sides of texting. One of my students wrote a paragraph about the differences between how we used to communicate and how we communicate now. Her essay was funny and ironic. She wrote simply and clearly about how she communicated when she was a kid. If she wanted to hang out with a friend, she walked out her front door and walked down the street and to a neighbors house and asked if her friend could come out and play. I laughed. It was so simple. So timeless. And in today’s world so unusual.
Although this student is a 20 something, it reminded me of my own childhood. When I would walk the two blocks to my friends house, back when the home phone was the center of all outside communication. I distinctly remember a series of AT&T commercials with the tagline Reach Out and Touch Someone. They were especially prevalent during the holiday season. Some of my clients struggle to find a way to connect with someone they have been out of touch with. They forget how soothing and reassuring the human voice can be.
Back in the days
Long before cell phones and text messages when people actually used the home phone to talk to people. The advertising spots were like little movies of life with the express purpose of getting people to pick up the phone and call someone far away. Long distance was expensive then and my guess is they were very successful. Ma Bell (as it was called then) was the largest phone company in America and didn’t break up until legally mandated to in 1982.
My point here is not to give you a history lesson about the monopoly of the American phone company. It is to share the message that this is the perfect time to reach out to someone you haven’t been in touch with for a long time.
Through social media and texts and Whatsapp and Snapchat it’s never been easier to reach people. And yet, this time of year, the holiday season often leaves people feeling alone and lonely.
In the last couple of years, I have reconnected with a few people that I thought were lost from my life forever. All it took was an email and a shout out from LinkedIn. One of these folks became a client and the other an email penpal sharing pictures and memories from thirty years ago. I didn’t initiate either of these contacts so I was lucky. But I did accept them in the spirit they were offered.
One of my roles as an Educator and Emotional Wellness Coach is to help people move forward when they get stuck. In that spirit I studied and received a Certificate in Positive Psychology from University of Pennsylvania this past summer. I didn’t make up the title it was suggested as part of a lecture about the future of psychology.
As a practice, I don’t go back into people’s childhoods and break open every trauma and then help deal with each trauma. We deal with the here and now and through common sense and goal setting we try to bring people through to the other side of their personal struggle.
Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
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Are we isolating ourselves?
One of the things I see again and again in my practice is people isolating themselves from other people. And in this holiday season of light and love I want to suggest you reach out to someone who was important to you that you may have lost along the way. A grade school friend, a college roommate, an old neighbor. People who knew you at a different time in your life would probably be thrilled to be contacted.
For all our technology and immediate gratification we have somehow lost the ability to just reach out. Our circles have become smaller. The people around us don’t get a second glance as we are so busy with our screens and sharing. YouTube videos and screenshots and emoji’s and other nonsense, I believe, are allowing us to lose the ability to have real face to face interpersonal communication. Oh, and this may come as a shock to some of you, but emjoi’s are not emotions. They are a clever way to get you to spend more time on the phone and less time actually communicating.
So here is my challenge to you for this holiday season
Reach out and touch someone (not in a creepy #metoo kind of way) but actually reach out to someone you miss or have lost contact with or would like to be back in communication with. If geography is an issue then try Zoom or Skype or Facetime.
I often hear the refrain from people who are stuck or sad and are going through a bad time that they don’t have any friends. I don’t believe that. Make communication real again by having real communication. If you want good friends, be a good friend. Those goes for family members as well. I don’t mean you need to talk to all of your family all the time. How about a favorite cousin? Don’t rely on family get togethers to stay in contact. Drop an email, FB Messenger, text, Whatsapp or make an old fashioned reach-out-and-touch-someone phone call.
There are approximately 7.7 billion people on this planet. It doesn’t seem like such a stretch to find one or two of these people to be in touch with. It might be a bit frightening at first but think about how great it would be to reconnect with someone you care about?
Reach out and touch someone. Let me know how it works out.
