I’ve been thinking a lot about equity lately, and the inequity of divorce. About how my generation is less well off than my parent’s generation. And about the fact that I live in a rented house and drive a beat up, 8-year-old car. The same car that both my kids learned to drive in (hence the appearance).
I have been generous with my time, resources and love from the moment they were born. But when I’m feeling down, I often wonder if that is enough. When children are grown, there is often a huge shift in motherhood. But motherhood with grown children AND divorce? Sometimes it’s a field full of landmines for my self-esteem.
My ex lives with his girlfriend in a huge house with a garden that she owns and they renovated together. They just bought the kids a nice used car to share. They have taken expensive vacations and regularly go out to the most exclusive restaurants in the city for family events and holidays.
It’s a blessing that my ex’s girlfriend and her kids get along with my kids and I know it’s irrational to feel like I have been replaced. But sometimes it gets to me. I supply tampons and socks and their favorite home-cooked meals. I can tell what mood they’re in and how they’re feeling with one word.
During coaching sessions, I see that many clients are going through the same feeling, often in different scenarios.
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Motherhood is giving your children what they need
We mothers know our children come home when they feel sick or injured. I will always be mommy and I have a very close relationship with both of my children. Someday, I might be able to take them on nice trips. But it doesn’t matter. It’s only my pride. They don’t see that sometimes it hurts a little when they talk about the next big adventure that I will not be a part of.
It’s hard not to feel competitive under these circumstances. It’s not within my means or my parenting philosophy to shower my children with material goods.
So I choose to believe that wherever I am, I am home to my children. (Tweet it!)
And that that is the most important thing I can give them as they begin to test the waters of adulthood.
Now over to you: How do you navigate inequity and motherhood after divorce?
