5 behaviors to ditch when getting over a breakup

I am not saying that wallowing isn’t allowed during your breakup. A certain period of mourning is expected and even healthy as the loss you are feeling is great. But moving on without dealing with your feelings can backfire months or years down the line.

Be responsible for you and your immediate family. If a whole office, company, or community of people is depending on you, let them know that you are taking a step back for a while as you’re getting over the breakup. Delegate until you feel up to the task again. And you will.

Here’s a great example of not dealing with your feelings after divorce: dating or even remarrying immediately! If you don’t give yourself the time to reflect on what went wrong or what didn’t work in the previous relationship, don’t expect the next one to be any better! The unresolved issues will carry into the next relationship and can easily sabotage it.

Who doesn’t want to feel that elation in a new relationship? Suddenly you’re fascinating to someone and you feel great. The honeymoon period is a wash of emotions, and this person seems PERFECT. But jumping into another relationship puts a lot of pressure on you to try to erase the past or rewrite it. You’ll be constantly comparing this new person to your ex — and anyone seems amazing compared to them — even someone who’s actually not so great.

People and relationships are not black and white. No one is perfect. And human interaction is far from perfect. As my boyfriend is fond of saying “Everyone’s shit smells.” And he has a point.

So what do we do to avoid this idealized view of a new person?

Time. Take time to get to know them and not fill in the blanks with your fantasies. (Tweet it!)

Letting your feelings be felt is the best way to move towards healing. All of us need a period to mourn what was. The time will depend entirely on you and what you need.

If you keep your feelings bottled up inside churning like acid, they will eventually corrode the core that is your emotional wellbeing.

So here are my top 5 behaviors to ditch when getting over a breakup:

Social media.

Do not look at or respond to your ex’s social media. People lie and always put their best face forward. You do not need the pictures of the young chick he is seeing permanently burned into your brain. If your ex-wife’s new chick is younger, hotter, or richer, you don’t know the whole story and all it does is make you feel bad. Why would you torture yourself?

Being a weepy mess.

Everyone who has gone through a divorce needs to fully experience this stage of post-divorce life for as long as they need to. If you are a weepy mess, be a weepy mess but don’t expect even your closest friends or family to want to hear about it 24/7. Get some professional help (yes that’s what I do) and work on getting yourself back together. For those of you that have joined our group well done. This is a safe space and we are happy to have you.

Listening to the negative tapes in your head.

Don’t listen to the little gremlins in your mind that tell you it was your fault or you are not enough. If you were thinner, richer, more interesting etc. You are the best you that you can be. You are unique and talented and special. If there are things you want to change for you, take this as an opportunity to work on the things you want to work on to improve yourself for you and your children. But you are enough RIGHT NOW.

Kicking yourself around.

Be kind to yourself. You may feel like a failure during your breakup, but you DESERVE self-love. This is not the time to add pressure. And this is not the time to start new projects. This is the time to begin to heal. Make the words you say to yourself gentle and loving. Get a massage or just take your two hands and rub the back or your neck. Feel the tension? Do things that are soothing for you. Music, exercise, coffee with a friend. For a cheap spa experience, warm some cream in the micro (don’t boil it) for a few seconds and rub your feet with it. Repeat to yourself in a loving voice, “I am more than enough” as many times as you need to start believing it.

Watching negative news.

Limit your intake of bad news. The world is in a mess right now. Floods and fires, destruction and death. In some places, complete devastation. We cannot constantly take in news like this and be okay. Make a small donation if you want to help. I sent underwear to Houston through Amazon. I knew that it would go directly to the people who needed it and felt a little better that someone will have clean underwear to put on tomorrow. And that makes me feel a little better.

52 ways to move towards joy after divorce

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and letting go of pain after divorce
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Just as you would not pour salt directly into a cut, scrape or other wound, stop doing the things that bring you more pain. Be kind to yourself. And when you’ve done these things, only then are you ready to invite a new love into you life.

Now over to you: Which habits do you need to work on before you start dating? I’d love to hear!

5 behaviors to leave behind when getting over a breakup

I’m not saying that wallowing after a breakup isn’t allowed. A certain period of mourning is expected and even healthy as the loss you are feeling is great. But moving on without dealing with your feelings can backfire months or years down the line.

Be responsible for you and your immediate family. If a whole office, company, or community of people is depending on you, let them know that you are taking a step back for a while. Delegate until you feel up to the task again. And you will.

Here’s a great example of not dealing with your feelings after a breakup: Dating and going straight into a new intense relationship almost immediately! If you don’t give yourself the time to reflect on what went wrong or what didn’t work in the previous relationship, don’t expect the next one to be any better! The unresolved issues will carry into the next relationship and can easily sabotage it.

Who doesn’t want to feel that elation in a new relationship? Suddenly you are fascinating to someone else and you’re elated. The honeymoon period is a wash of emotions, and this person seems PERFECT. But jumping into another relationship immediately after a breakup puts a lot of pressure on you to try to erase the past or rewrite it. You’ll be constantly comparing this new person to your ex — and anyone seems amazing compared to them — even someone who’s actually not so great.

People and relationships are not black and white. No one is perfect. And human interaction is far from perfect. As my boyfriend is fond of saying “Everyone’s shit smells.” And he has a point.

So what do we do to avoid this idealized view of a new person?

Time. Take time to get to know them and not fill in the blanks with your fantasies.
Letting your feelings be felt after the breakup is the best way to move towards healing. All of us need a period to mourn what was. The time will depend entirely on you and what you need. If you keep them bottled up inside churning like acid, they will eventually corrode the core that is your emotional well-being!

So here are my top 5 behaviors to leave behind BEFORE you let a new person into your life (Tweet it!)

Social media: Do not look at or respond to your ex’s social media after the breakup. People lie and always put their best face forward. If your ex’s new chick is younger, hotter, or richer, you don’t know the whole story and all it does is make you feel bad. You don’t need her picture burned into your brain. Why would you torture yourself?

Being a weepy mess: Everyone who has gone through a big messy breakup needs to fully experience this stage of post-coupledom life for as long as they need to. If you are a weepy mess, be a weepy mess but don’t expect even your closest friends or family to want to hear about it 24/7. Get some professional help (yes that’s what I do) and work on getting yourself back together. For those of you that have joined our group – well done. This is a safe space and we are happy to have you.

Listening to the negative tapes in your head: Don’t listen to the little gremlins in your mind that tell you that the breakup was your fault or you are not enough. If you were thinner, richer, more interesting etc. You are the best you that you can be. You are unique and talented and special. If there are things you want to change for you, take this as an opportunity to work on the things you want to work on to improve yourself for you and your children. But you are enough RIGHT NOW.

Kicking yourself around: Be kind to yourself after a breakup. You may feel like a failure now, but you DESERVE self-love. This is not the time to add pressure. And this is not the time to start new projects. This is the time to begin to heal. Make the words you say to yourself gentle and loving. Get a massage or just take your two hands and rub the back or your neck. Feel the tension? Do things that are soothing for you. Music, exercise, coffee with a friend. For a cheap spa experience, warm some nice smelling oil in the micro (don’t boil it) for a few seconds and rub your feet with it. Repeat to yourself in a loving voice, “I am more than enough” as many times as you need to start believing it.

Watching negative news: Limit your intake of bad news. The world is in a mess right now. Floods and fires, destruction and death. In some places, complete devastation. We cannot constantly take in news like this and be okay. Make a small donation if you want to help. I sent underwear to Houston through Amazon. I knew that it would go directly to the people who needed it and felt a little better that someone will have clean underwear to put on tomorrow. And that makes me feel a little better.

Just as you would not pour salt directly into a cut, scrape or other wound, stop doing the things that bring you more pain. Breakups are tough. Be kind to yourself. And when you’ve done these things, only then are you ready to invite a new love into your life.

Now over to you: which habits do you need to work on before you start dating again? I’d love to hear!

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2018 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
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What to do when everywhere you look is dark during divorce

It’s been a tough week for humanity. People losing their lives or livelihoods or whole neighborhoods and everything they have worked for their whole lives. It seems like half the world is flooded and the other half is parched.

And we sensitive beings can only watch in horror or write a check or send another kind of donation. And count our blessings. It’s hard to count your blessing when your own personal world is dark as well.

It’s hard to do anything with forward momentum when you feel stuck and sad and paralyzed. That’s what a divorce feels like.(Tweet it!)

At least it did to me. And that was after years of disappointments, unfulfilled promises, and working hard to be the best partner I could be. It was never about me. Not really.

That is how I felt in my marriage near the end. I didn’t see anything to look forward to other than my children. The idea of my life stretching out before me as a series of stupid fights and unmet expectations and heartache just depressed the hell out of me. There were days that I could hardly manage to get out of bed.

There were two things that did tip the scales for me. A good counselor who helped me learn tools to cope with my broken heart and the feelings of shame and helplessness. And writing a book of poetry to chronicle my experience through the five stages of divorce. It’s called Divorce Poetry: Breaking Free. And at the beginning of the book, I didn’t see much hope.

Now I help other people through this blog and one on one counseling and my book is out there on Amazon for anyone who wants to read the story of my journey. It’s raw and real and a labor of self-love.

BROKEN HEARTED

The pain has finally split my heart in two
Halves that will not be again together
The break was ragged want to seal anew
Some are lost to me now and forever

My ravaged heart still beats a different time
I do not recognize the new-formed flow
Why did I not see the heart was mine?
Concentrating on my breathing deep and slow

And with two pieces I will now go on
The path unknown to me and so unclear
The sore muscles from overuse are strong
The worst is past and nothing left to fear

Although I cannot see my way ahead
Hearts are blind; I’ll use my eyes instead.

Often during my separation and divorce, I couldn’t articulate what I wanted to say verbally so I wrote it in a poem. It has always been the way I have dealt with strong feelings. My mentor always talks about how to deal with big emotions or roadblocks. “Make some five-minute art,” she says. I believe it gets you out of your head long enough to see things a bit differently.

52 ways to move towards joy after divorce

Sign-up to receive a printable action plan for embracing your life
and letting go of pain after divorce
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I don’t mean Rembrandt kind of art. I mean taking a piece of paper and a pen and drawing stick figures. Or writing “roses are red violets are blue.” Knitting, pumping iron, singing a little song, humming. A client of mine who is a lawyer wrote a brilliant haiku at my request when she was going through a divorce, and I am quoting loosely here, no title:

When you think about
Your husband’s plane crashing
Time to get divorced

Okay, so no Pulitzer Prize here. But it serves a purpose and we laughed about it for an hour. It also got her to see how ridiculous her situation had become. She didn’t really wish the father of her children ill will. But she did need to get away from him and end her marriage.

I brought poetry to couple’s counseling. It was humiliating. My ex charmed the counselor and explained that he had no idea why I was so unhappy. I poured my heart out and she called me a trouble maker. Okay, so we picked the wrong counselor. But it was too late by then. His happiness was always more important than mine. And the fantasy he conjured up in those sessions was a reality check for me.

So how about this week, you make a little art. Take pictures. I would love to see what you’re up to. There is something about keeping your hands busy that frees up your mind to deal with things.

Back to school this week, so go buy some colored pencils and draw a train or scribble. Playdough is good. How about baking? Draw on a picture in Instagram. Snap chat if you feel like it.

Or play your favorite music and sing at the top of your lungs.

Do something for you.

Joining our private FB community, Breaking Free, is a great start.