My Own Place in the Hilarious World of Depression

my-own-place-hilarious-world-depression-tamara-mendelson

That deep dark bottomless pit of sadness that I didn’t have a name for when I was a teenager was depression. Depression does not discriminate due to race, age, sexual orientation, fluidity of gender, nationality, geographic location, or any other reason. Period.

Being married or divorced doesn’t protect you from depression. Success and money aren’t a safeguard from depression. Education or status doesn’t shield you from depression. Fame and notoriety don’t protect you from depression. Having a new baby or being pregnant doesn’t spare you from depression. See what I’m getting at here?

“You don’t have to wake up in pain” a friend and Chinese Medicine practitioner once said to me, as he was pushing acupuncture needles into my calve. And he was right. The pain he spoke about wasn’t just physical.

Of the 100 most influential people named by Time Magazine for 2019, almost 20% of the people have dealt with or are dealing with chronic illness or serious disabilities.

I have thought a lot about depression and anxiety and the cycle they create

Reading or hearing about people who have found a way to thrive is uplifting and inspiring.

I have suffered from depression & anxiety, on and off, my whole life. I actively seek out publications, podcasts, and literature on the subject and would like to share one I recently came across with you.

The podcast is called, The Hilarious World of Depression, published by American Public Media. Sponsored by Health Partners and Make it Okay.org. Their mission is to help people start conversations about mental illness. They give great advice on what to say and what not to say when involved in one of these conversations. It’s like a club that you don’t really want to join but are part of anyway. The stories hit home. The thing we thought we suffered with alone is much more common than we think. It’s reassuring.

John Moe, the host of the podcast, is an accomplished public radio host and humorist, is a fellow anxiety and depression sufferer. He says, “It can be difficult to trace the source of ones depression. You have circumstance, trauma, genetics and there is only so much science knows about that big bucket of goo in our heads.”

He interviews comedians, actors, and writers about their struggles with depression. The show is brilliant, sad, funny, and helpful. Mostly, he makes listeners feel less alone. We all feel or have felt alone before we gave this pervasive black hole a name. Back before we found other people who also suffer from depression. These amazingly talented and successful people talk about their personal struggles and their darkest hours. Some have either moved on from their black hole, while some continually deal with and manage their depression and anxiety.

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It is interesting that a good number of people who are known for their comedy suffer from depression. Did you know that Kristen Bell, Jim Carrey, Ellen Degeneres, Johnny Depp, Lady Gaga, and Courtney Cox are all sufferers, just to name a few? Amazing, right?! And yet, not so amazing. I believe it does help when people come out and talk about their struggles with it.

Sure, these folks may have better access to medical care and support but it doesn’t protect them from suffering.

This podcast speaks to my wicked sense of humor too

The same sense of humor that has gotten me through some really difficult and awkward situations. For years, I had low-level anxiety that would sometimes become intense. It felt like everyone was judging me. This is a very common symptom for anxiety sufferers.

During my own battle with anxiety and later depression, I used to get dressed and wear many layers so when the prickly sweat of heart palpitations of anxiety would begin, I could peel clothes off to get more comfortable just before I fled the room. I never sat in the middle of a theater or auditorium, only at the end of the row where I could get out if needed. I always made sure I knew where the exit was in any given room so I could get out, even if I didn’t need to bolt that minute.

Anxiety and depression are not funny when you are going through them

When you feel like the most worthless person alive and that you will never be happy again. Everything is a Herculean effort. Getting out of bed, taking a shower, and even eating, are for many too much to manage. The overwhelming fatigue can keep you in bed for days, or weeks, or longer. It’s not about “bucking up” as some unhelpful advice suggests. I learned that bucking up just puts off the inevitable or eventual crash which can happen at any time.

Eventually, you come out of a depression. Many times with the help of intervention, talk therapy, drugs, time, support, community or a combination of all of them.

On a clearer, less painful day, the darkness will lift, and finally, your own behavior might seem mildly amusing. The other possibility is that some form of faux-psychosis has happened and your memory is a little fuzzy. It’s probably a good thing too.

I wish there would have been sources like this available or that people talked about it when I had my first bout of depression

It makes me feel better that there are resources like Make It Okay out there now.

Now, I help other people with their anxiety, depression, fear, and loss. I try to carry the pain of other people and help them to feel better and less alone. I have had other depressive episodes including PTSD after brain surgery. But that’s a story for another day.

I don’t blame my parents for not understanding what I was going through. As a parent, it’s hard to see your child in pain and not be able to do anything about it. I was a terrific actress, appearing okay when I wasn’t. It didn’t help and I didn’t learn that lesson until much later and it’s been re-learned over and over again. I call out my clients on this kind of thing. Fine doesn’t really mean anything unless you are talking about dining or cashmere.

One of the most helpful observations I can share is, with help one can recover. You are not alone. (Tweet it!)

According to the World Health Organization’s statistics, 300 million people suffer from depression globally.

Last summer I took a series of courses to get certified in Positive Psychology. For me, it is about positivity and resilience. It focuses on not going back through every bad thing that has ever happened but looking forward with help and for the purpose of healing. Perseverance is something that can be learned and shared and taught.

Important for you to know

If you are sad or in pain please reach out. There is no shame in asking for help. I would be honored to help. I’ve been there and I promise no needles.

As always, I’m here for you.

Now over to you: Tell me, how are you really feeling? Leave a reply in the comments or send me an email here: tamara@tamaramendelson.com

Be kind to yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

When did we become so afraid of pain?

In my work helping people feel better during or after a trauma, I have noticed that there are some old wounds people don’t want to reveal or revisit. They know that uncovering and exposing this old pain to the light will help give them a better overall sense of well-being. It may also allow them to live a fuller and happier life. In many instances, they want to hang on to that old pain. It’s familiar. Awful, but familiar. Deeply rooted and their fear is stronger than the relief could ever be.

I started to think about why this happens, especially with early in life trauma that we have encapsulated into ourselves. We carry this hurt around as part of us and consciously or unconsciously make decisions based on this earlier event. Sometimes we marry the same kind of people trying to puzzle out what happened to us. The deepest pain remains hidden.

Emotional pain can be every bit as painful as physical pain. (Tweet it!)

And the physical pain we pop pills to try to get rid of that as fast as possible. Is this how people get addicted to pain medication?

What happened the last time you got a headache? Did you take something? Did you think about why you might have a headache before you took a pill or two?

Were you dehydrated? Sleeping poorly? Too much time in the sun? Had you skipped a meal? Too much caffeine in your diet? Is your blood pressure too high?

When did we become afraid of pain?

Pain is most often our bodies way of telling us something is amiss. And not all pain can be deadened by a pill. There is too much information on the internet. I try not to look up symptoms as I am sure Googling it will bring up the worst-case scenarios every time.

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And I am not a great patient I used to wait to go to the Doctor until things were bad. I had a severe sinus headache on and off for almost five years. Every time I would fly I would get a sinus infection. I would tap my forehead and under my eyes and it would hurt bad. I would bend forward, and it felt like someone had taken a bat to my head.

There were two little children at home that I was very involved with and after a couple of Tylenol, cups of coffee and followed by an Advil or two I could get on with my day. This time was no different except antibiotics for ten days to clear the infection.

Did I visit the doctor? Yes, many times. The last time I went I was given vitamin C and Eucalyptus drops. I wasn’t taken seriously. I was told I looked too good to have anything seriously wrong with me. And then a month later I was having my usual headache and my face swelled like the elephant man. I was sure it was an allergy.

I had been to the ENT. They told me my sinuses were clear. And to the eye doctor. They told me it wasn’t my eye even though by then I couldn’t see out of my right eye and the whole right side of my face was swollen. I took a Benadryl and went to bed.

A friend helped me out

A dear friend, also the OBGYN who delivered my children, called to check on me and sent us straight to the Emergency Room. I told the babysitter that we would be back in a few hours. I was in so much pain I couldn’t hold my head up. In the ER I was seen by a doctor that said it was an allergy. A nurse disagreed and booked me for a CT.

It turns out I did have an infection. But not in my sinuses. In my orbital socket. It wasn’t draining because I had a brain tumor that had been growing for years. It was benign although they didn’t tell me that for a few weeks. And a few months later I had it removed. The aftermath is another story. The moral I take from this is if you are in pain, get help and keep asking until someone listens.

Eventually, we must deal with the pain

Pain is a red flag. Emotional or physical it’s how we as human beings process. Shutting either kind of pain down with, alcohol, sex, drugs, and other self-destructive behaviors just pushes the pain off for a little while. Eventually, we must deal with the pain. It’s not like ripping off a band-aid but if you find someone you trust to share the pain with it will make the journey worthwhile.

No, it isn’t easy but it’s the journey we have. Be kind to yourselves and listen to your body.

Now over to you: Do you recognize yourself in this? Do you listen enough to your inner self?

 

 

 

 

When going through hell, keep going

“When going through hell, keep going”
-Winston Churchill

A friend of mine had a big birthday recently. We got to talking about how the things you think are important change as decades and life stages pass. One of the most profound things she said was “In my middle years, I want friends who are curious, compassionate and kind.” What a remarkable thought. She didn’t care how well travelled people were or professionally accomplished or highly educated. What she really wanted was to surround herself with people who were kind.

After thinking about it, I realized that I agreed with her. We all know that people who live in a constant state of high drama and competitiveness are exhausting. I remember joining a baby group when my kids were babies and the mothers compared their infant’s progress as if it were the Olympics: “My baby is speaking complete sentences at nine months”… I remember laughing out loud as I thought the woman was making a joke. Apparently I was the only one who thought it was funny.

My children are of legal age now. It’s kind of a shocking thing to have a really intense 24/7 kind of job that you age out of after 18-20 years. My heart goes out to all parents that invested so much of their beings into good solid parenting only to be out of a job after 18-20 years. Then the lag before we can hopefully become grandparents.

And we are also a generation who not only has children to love and raise but elderly parents to manage and care for as well. It takes a lot out of us. Several people I know have lost parents in the last year and it’s heartbreaking. And losing a parent – whether you have unfinished business with them, or a close relationship – still hurts. And it hurts for a long time. Parents are our buffers to mortality.

Reinvention is something that we do as we progress through our lives

Even if it isn’t categorized that way. Gone are the days when we start with a company and stay there for our entire adult lives and receive a gold watch and retire. People move from the city they were born and or raised in. And may move every time a they change jobs. We get married and divorced. Move to where our children settle or find warmer climates to retire. As fast as the world is changing we must figure out a way to live with those changes and not be overwhelmed by them.

So what do we do? We either embrace change realizing that not everything will be successful or easy. Or resist change and get unhappily swept along in a current we must work hard at to tread water. The third and least attractive option is to get stuck. Dig yourself in and neither move or live, but just exist.

One of the things I have found with many of the people I work with is that their suffering is self-inflicted. I believe suffering to be a choice. Not grieving – with each loss there needs to be whatever amount of time the person requires to construct a new normal – but allowing the pain of divorce or loss of a loved one or job or financial stability or good health become the place where they live. Better the pain you know then the unknown.

Pain can be a constant and familiar companion. It doesn’t have to be where you stay. (Tweet it!)

Sometimes we forget what we have to be grateful for and focus on the loss, hurt, or anger. We let it define us protecting us for more hurt and loss but also from experiencing joy. Cutting off the things that make life much more than a burden or something to be gotten through. It is a dark and heavy place to live.

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If any of this sounds familiar and you really want to live your best life, begin by following the five steps below:

  1. Start with one thing you feel grateful for. Just one thing. It can be a small as the first daffodil after a spring snow storm. A chance meeting with an old friend. Your favorite team making it to the playoffs (go Blazers!). And I have found that one thought of gratitude leads to another and with each grateful thought some of the negative feelings you are experiencing dissipate.
  2. Acknowledging that you don’t want to live in a dark painful place is a good next step. Admitting that you want to move forward puts you in the right mindset to begin doing the moving forward.
  3. Tell a friend or work colleague that you are feeling down. Find a group online. Confide in someone going through a similar experience. It is always helpful to know someone out there is going through the same thing.
  4. Distract yourself in to feeling better. I was going through a difficult time with empty nesting last year. I couldn’t seem to get out of my own head. Then I discovered Audible books. Now if I am being a little obsessive about anything I grab my phone and earbuds and start listening to a book or comedy show or one of their great channels.
  5. If your black mood doesn’t shift or lift after several months seek some help. How do you know when it’s time? When you continue to feel miserable after trying the first four things on this list.

And what about you? Have you decided to embrace the change in your life with positivity? Or will you choose to stay with the hell you know?

Break free from pain and live your life again

People have told me their secrets all my life. Most of the time, I don’t even have to ask any questions. Or maybe just one question.

“How are you really?”

People just tell me stuff. Deep personal stuff and day-to-day life stuff.

It comes as naturally as breathing.

It may be a deep-felt empathy. An immediate connection? Possibly other people see a kindred spirit in me and feel safe. I have certainly faced my own pain and challenges in life and have mostly overcome them through hard work, asking for help, and a dogged tenaciousness.

It started before I was born. After a stressed pregnancy, my mother delivered me at 31 weeks. That was 50 years ago. The doctor on duty told my mother I would be born dead. Many babies didn’t make it. I was lucky and came out fighting. And I have been rooting for the underdog ever since.

When my marriage broke up, I became the go to divorce expert in my community. My marriage may have been tumultuous at the end, but our divorce was as amiable as one can be. Soon after that I started to coach people and wrote a book of poetry to track the progress of my journey. More recently, I created a DIY program to help people get through their own divorces.

At the end of 2017, I received a note from an old boyfriend. I was 23 when we met. These days, I have a son that age. This man and I had been together on and off for a few years way back in the 80’s and I realized even then that although I was good for him, he wasn’t good for me.

Here is an excerpt from that note:

“I want you to know what a positive impact you had on my life — It was your influence that made me follow up on Law School and I have been an attorney now almost 30 years.

So thank you for that. You seem very grounded in your writings and happier than the average person. I hope that’s true — it’s been at least 25 years since we spoke– it means a lot to me to be able to draw the strands of my life together. Our relationship was a big part of helping me find my path — not only professionally, but in all my relationships since we knew each other too.”

Thanks to Facebook and teaching at a college, I have gotten quite a few of these notes over the years. It’s nice to know you have had a positive impact on people’s lives. And after my own divorce, I started quite by accident helping other people through their own separations and divorces.

But now I feel that it’s time to branch out.

Many times in my life, I haven’t know what I wanted to do but knew exactly what others needed. Maybe I have a heightened sense of empathy. Or being able to see the whole picture when someone else can’t?

Fortunately for me, we as a species are great storytellers. It’s how we make sense of the world. Maybe the people responsible for writing the Bibles knew this. Novelists and actors know this. Like feelings, our stories need to be told. And these stories need to be told often enough to take the sting out of them and for us to move on as people.

When we hold onto our stories and secret them away, they eat away at us, whittling us down bit by bit until that one story too horrible to tell stops our whole life. Keeping these personal tragedies close to us – making them sacred – keeps us stuck. They leave many of us emotionally immobile and unable to heal.

I knew I was onto something when my own counselor asked my advice about her personal situation. I couldn’t believe it. I was paying this Medical Doctor huge sums of money to help me with my own PTSD after a benign tumor was removed from the lining of my brain, and she’s asking about what to do with her newly retired husband.

Seriously?

But of course, I offered what I thought was sound advice.

When I was in college I was a peer counselor. In graduate school, I was the person my classmates turned to when they were having a difficult time in their lives.

When my children were small, other mothers would call me before they would reach out to their own family doctors.

And since my own divorce, I have been coaching and counseling people through the rough times and move on.

When my kids were younger, their friends were in and out of our house all the time. They would often ask me for advice about getting along with their parents or sometimes about their new relationships. My favorite refrain at that time was “at your age, it shouldn’t be so hard”. It has been many years and these young adults still thank me for helping them grow up.

For the last five years, I have been teaching at a local college. My favorite comments from former students are “you taught us so much more than English.”

So now I do this for a living.

And here is what one of my clients said about me recently:

“A year ago, I connected with this wonderful life coach and counselor Tamara Mendelson, and I wanted to share the love. If you are looking for any kind of mental health support and life stuff, I warmly recommend reaching out to her. She’s wise, kind, and not a pretentious psychologist – comes from a place of experience, care and strength.”

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2018 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
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