Tag: parenting

LGBTQ and Me

I have always considered myself an honorary member of the LGBTQ tribe. I was raised in an inclusive, liberal, environment and never really understood why different was a bad thing. We are all a little different in our own ways. It’s what makes life interesting.

When and where I grew up people assumed you were a Christian of some sort unless you told them otherwise. I remember an interaction with a classmate in my first year of middle school. There were 5-6 feeder schools and a lot of kids I didn’t know. Many of them had never experienced the ‘real world’ or been taught that not everyone was like them.

It was people like this who made me afraid for my children. I am Jewish. In pretty much the entire planet, my kids and I are seen as other. I am a parent. As a parent, I will worry.

When my son came out to me, I didn’t worry about him. It was my turn to worry about the “other”.

Hitting Back

When I was 14-years-old, I was walking to class. I passed by an open locker, where a bunch of boys were hanging out. Without notice, a boy grabbed my head. Pinned me under his arm, he quickly checked my head for horns. “I thought Jews were supposed to have horns?” he asked laughing. Having two brothers of my own, I used my minimal knowledge of physics and combined it with life experience. I shoved him into his locker, making him lose his grip on me, and his balance, at the same time.

He yelled after me that he was going to tell the principal. The empty threats were drowned out by his friends laughing and taunting him. They asked him if he was afraid of a little girl. They teased him until I was out of earshot. I was little and quite satisfied with the way the incident turned out.

No one told had me that Jews were supposed to have horns and a tail! I had never heard anything like that before. It seemed so strange to me that someone whom I had never met and didn’t know any Jews would behave like that.

Then I learned about the Holocaust.

And understood the global implications of hating a particular group of people. In 1939 there were approximately 17 million Jews worldwide. Today worldwide there are approximately 15 million. That means after more than 70 years the Jewish population has still not completely rebounded. Perhaps by 2050, a full hundred years after the Holocaust, we’ll be back to where we were.

The LGBTQ community was attacked in an equally vicious manner during Hitler’s reign.

Prejudice is most often based on ignorance. Disliking a whole community that you have had no personal contact with is primitive, shortsighted, and dangerous.

All kinds of hate are on the rise in the world today. Apparently, it’s okay to hate your neighbor.

When in modern times has it been okay to openly hate someone new to your country, people of color, women, anyone connected to the LBGTQ community, and simply anyone you consider to be “other”. It is unnerving to see rights being stripped of certain groups.

To all of you fighting for change, keep your chin up. Good always prevails. (Tweet it!)

“That’s Gay”

I remember people using the terms “queer” and “homo” to taunt other boys, hoping to anger them and get a reaction. It was used behind their back if they liked music, were involved in gymnastics, or some other silly thing. Those same young monsters would call a girl a dyke if she wasn’t interested in them, didn’t want to go out with them, kiss them, or dress the way they thought a girl shouldn’t.

It is no surprise that no one was out of the closet, so to speak, in our social group. Not until after high school anyway.

My prom date was gay. There was no discussion about it. We became friendly while singing in choir together and he was a good friend. It was a relief that there wasn’t any sexual tension. We sat back and watched the silly going-ons amongst our little group of friends. He is still a friend of mine today and he has been with the same partner as long as any of my straight friends.

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In college, I became attached to a Fraternity. A “boyfriend” who came out to me after college was the president of his fraternity. We worked in the same mall in the summer and hung around together before, during and after work. He was bright and funny and we got along really well. I was invited home to meet his parents, they were lovely. He drank more than he should have. Probably, because his inside life didn’t match his outside. He’s been sober for decades and is in a loving relationship with a career he enjoys and where he excels.

Sensing a pattern here? In my experience, gay men make the best friends and have allowed me to be who I am. I have to point out, this is a rarity in my life.

Priorities

In my 20’s I moved to San Francisco. The only prerequisite of finding a job was a view of the Bay. People assured me I wouldn’t find anyone to date because of the city’s large gay population. It wasn’t an issue and I loved the atmosphere of the city. I marched in the Gay Pride Parade and never missed Halloween in the Castro.

The first Halloween I was there, I didn’t expect full frontal nudity or the mass of bodies. Needless to say, it pushed me a bit out of my comfort zone.

Another night, I was accompanying a handsome friend into a bar. It took reaching the dimly lighted dance floor to realize I was the only woman in the place. There as his escort, to keep the men away. The same friend took me to a party that turned out to be a wake which a friend of his was throwing before his own inevitable death from AIDS.

This was the late 80’s early 90’s and during the beginning of the American AIDS epidemic. At that time, AIDS was a death sentence. The medical community had just given the disease a name. So many people died. The quilt of people lost to this terrible disease kept painfully growing.

Full Circle

When our children were 13 and 15, my husband and I separated. Our son, who was living with me at the time, told me he was gay. He said now, laughing, I would have something besides the divorce to worry about. My son worrying about me, worrying about him.

I wasn’t worried, just a little sad. Not at the fact that he was gay but that some people would judge him differently because he was gay.

The moment he fell asleep, I frantically dialed a few of my friends who had come out themselves and asked them for their advice. I told the story over and over again about what I said to my son.

“There is nothing you could ever say or do that would make me love you any less.”

I do not know any parents who want their kids to be “different.” In my practice, I have helped a few families navigate their children’s otherness. Once we realize that we are all “other” and all feel different in some way there is space to come together and begin a dialogue.

My son asked me not to tell his father yet. Three months later, I did. It was a rough year for our little family but I am happy to say that nine years later, our children are very close. There are friends that we have lost along the way due to intolerance. Other friends have become closer. As we begin PRIDE Month and the 50th anniversary of the Stonewall uprising, I am happy to officially be part of the team. Are you?

Be kind to yourself.

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5 ways to survive being a teenager or living with one

In the last month, I have spent a great deal of time with some very special teenagers in my life. Overall, I have found them to be smart, connected, and highly intelligent. And at the same time an anxious, depressed, and confused bunch. Unlike times past, they may have fewer outlets to vent their frustrations. And fewer real people to talk to who are not themselves, also part of this anxious, depressed, and confused bunch.

I was also surprised to learn that this intensely savvy group may be very adept in using and understanding technology but are little stuck on the basic life skills side of things. They don’t have the slightest idea what they want and if they do know what they want they are not all that clear on how to go about getting it.

FOMO is a real thing

Many studies have shown that having a smartphone in your hand all the time can cause anxiety. A medically recognized condition that is a real deep fear of missing out (FOMO) or an actual physical addition to the constant buzzing, bells, and chimes.

It’s very hard to discuss problems in 60 characters or less. And if they wanted to seek some help or counseling there is a huge stigma against doing so. Many feel that to need help, any kind of mental health help, means that there is something wrong with them. They don’t consider being in pain or confusion as something someone with some life experience might be able to help them with. And as I’ve mentioned before, human interaction can save your life!

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They react to everything. Their concentration is challenged in every way possible. And don’t forget the raging hormones, peer pressure, and trying to please into the mix.

So what can we do to help these young people?

Here are 5 survival strategies for you and your teenager:

1. The only thing that you can control is how you react to things that happen to you or around you.

There can be a lot of negative energy emulating from a teenage mouth. Trust me, it’s not about you. It’s about an inability to control feelings. Ignore and opt to chat at a calmer time. Perspective comes with time and thought.

2. Check in with your body a couple of times a day

Am I hungry, thirsty, tired, feeling safe and secure and loved? That’s a lot of things to check but it’s very hard to make any kind of good decision if you are hungry, thirsty, or tired. Not to mention cared for and safe. And if you aren’t feeling good for any of these reasons, what then? You take care of the ones you can and get some help with the ones you need assistance with.

3. Bullet Journaling.

Suggest that your teenager writes about how they are feeling. This is a tested stress reliever and can clarify how they are feeling to see it written out on the page, phone, or computer. Not everyone is a novelist. A blank journal page can be extra pressure for some. You do not want to make the act of journaling another thing on your to-do list. Make it an option. It’s a good stress reliever for us parents as well.

4. Is something bad happening or not?

With most of us, our primitive brain jumps in at the first sign of stress and tries to keep us safe by pumping some adrenaline and getting us to run. Problem is most of the time we and our teenagers are in no real danger and all that surging can leave us all exhausted and more anxious than when we started. Ask yourself and your teenager “is anything really bad happening here?” If the answer is no, then repeat to yourself three times, nothing bad is happening.

5. Seek Help.

Everyone needs someone neutral and nonjudgmental to talk things over with. Parents can be great resources. We were all young once. But our own children are probably less likely to take our advice. Perhaps suggest someone outside who can listen with some perspective. It is completely natural to want to check in with someone, to help make a decision or solve a problem.

Sometimes just talking about things can make anyone feel better.(Tweet it!)

And no one needs to know if you or your teenager is seeking some help, encouragement, or information.

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The most important thing is that you have the resources to make better decisions and feel better about yourself and your emotional teen.

Be kind to yourselves.

Now over to you: What do you do to make sure your teenager(s) are living a happy stress-free life?

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Did you know your son was gay?

“Oh, your gay son?” And other crap people say without thinking before they speak…

I was answering a question the other day sitting with a small group of people. Some I knew well some less well. My children drove across America together last spring and one of my friends wanted to talk about it as his son and a friend had done the same trip recently but in reverse. East to West instead of West to East.

“Oh, your gay son?” Someone said. Huh? I didn’t answer and kept telling my story. The man had no idea that what he said was offensive and I wasn’t interested enough in engaging him in further conversation.

By way of introduction, I only have one son. And yet people who should know better put the moniker gay in front of my son as if I am in need of a reminder of my son’s sexual orientation. Nonchalantly like it’s a color or a description. Your blue son or your fat son.

My son came out to me when he was 15

His father and I had been separated for a few months by then. He had just begun his sophomore year in high school. It wasn’t a shock exactly but it was an event. The most defining in his life? Up until that point maybe. Maybe not.

His being able to identify the make and model of every car on the street at age two was pretty amazing. His ability to speak two languages fluently is remarkable.

Maybe not the biggest even in his life, but It’s not my story to tell…and yet other people feel inclined to remind me constantly that my son is gay. As if I might not remember or it is the only way to identify him.

That is really interesting to me because my son is tall, personable, attractive, and musically inclined. He has a ton of friends and really enjoys his life when he isn’t fretting about it.

As if being gay was the rest of the story. His story? My story? Anyone’s whole story.?

It’s not as if he is Ellen Degeneres and came out in Hollywood before it was popular to come out. And then she didn’t work for three years and then went on to have a very successful talk show career.

Isn’t there enough going on?

As if there is not enough reality tv to keep people occupied. Do they want to see the worst in people so they can feel better about themselves? Judge other people and identify them with one word that says everything there is to know about them.

Taking that small part of him, the gay part? Then someone can feel they know something about my son or my family and discounting or ignoring the rest of who he is? The part they think is interesting or titillating or will make me feel like they relate?

How about the fact that he is very kind and has a lovely relationship with his not gay sister?

It’s as if these people are displaying their liberal chops by reminding me that they know my son is gay. Like I have Jewish friends or an Asian colleague.

It sort of reminds me of when people found out I was getting a divorce. They treated the news as if I might be contagious. Mostly sure it’s not. A man I know actually said to me at a party, bragging, “We dodged that bullet” haha, at least we’re not divorced. Huh? Okay then. He walked over to me to say what? I feel your pain? Not even close. Better you than me? Almost exactly. I shook it off.

We as people are such complex and interesting beings. Relationships are everything and why would someone feel the need to categorize other people because we all look alike? (Tweet it!)

I don’t think of him as anything but my son

As he is my only son and my first born, kind-hearted, funny, smart, and talented. Good to his mother. These are the qualities I admire. Why is it that people feel the need, perhaps well-meaningly, to add his sexuality to the conversation?

It’s not how I talk about my daughter. My strong sweet heterosexual daughter. Strange right? I am not sure why we feel the need to categorize other people. Put them in boxes as if our complicated messiness can be so easily explained.

“Have you met my friend, Doug?” “Yes, he’s a lovely man, unhappily married and possibly bi-sexual.” It’s just not done.

As if discussing someone’s sexuality somehow distinguishes them more than other parts of them. Maybe it’s some kind of a code. I certainly don’t refer to other people’s children in the same way. My niece the vegan? Your son with the learning disability?

I have a few friends with gay kids. We were friends long before we knew any of our children were gay and yet none of us refer to our children except by their first names. Yes, we examined, commiserated, and discussed the challenges they might face in an intolerant world but it wasn’t the basis of our friendships. Not what keeps us friends today.

Is it about labels? Making sure we know which side everyone is on? Whose team they bat for, vote for, live for?

Be kind to yourself.

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5 strategies to up your resilience game for you and your children

[thesis_block type=”note” header=”” content=”re·sil·ience
/rəˈzilyəns/
noun
1.
the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
Synonyms: flexibility, pliability, suppleness, elasticity, give, springiness”]

Or, as it used to be called, bouncing back.

When I heard about all the rich parents buying their children’s acceptances into top-notch schools I was shocked. And then I wasn’t.

People have been buying influence since before money was invented. What saddens me as a parent is these people of privilege didn’t trust their kids enough or spoiled them so much that they couldn’t or didn’t accept the responsibility to do what needed to be done to get into the school they wanted.

It is also possible that these kids, or some of them at least, had no idea what was going on or figured they were entitled to get into whatever school their parents could afford to buy them into.

Would it perhaps have been better had they taught their children how to be more resilient?

It is a balancing act as a parent not to give your children everything. They are the most precious little beings to us and we want nothing bad to ever happen to them. It’s not possible, of course, as life has trauma. We try to mitigate their traumas when we can. It’s easier the younger they are. Once they leave our realm of influence it gets tougher.

More than a few of my clients struggle with this delicate balance. How to help your children become more resilient and at the same time love them unconditionally. I have come up with what I hope are useful strategies to raise more resilient kids and expand our own abilities to model as more resilient adults.

1. Teach problem-solving skills 

Do this by letting children make mistakes. Doing a school project for them or over-helping with homework isn’t going to help them develop the ability of trial and error. Give them an opportunity to come up with their own solutions. Brainstorm together about how to handle adversity. For example, a child is anxious about going away to an outdoor school for a week and has never been away from home.

An anxious parent might just allow them to stay home so they both feel better. In the short run. But missing out because the experience is unfamiliar isn’t helping the child develop or the parent let go a little.

Another approach might be to talk about homesickness and what to do when they feel bad or sad or a bit frightened in a new environment. Taking a favorite toy or book with them might reduce their anxiety. Or having a couple of letters tucked into their luggage from family members will reassure them and might decrease the feeling of homesickness.

2. Try not to do everything for your children

We want to make sure our children are comfortable. But if we do everything for them, we do not allow them to understand and appreciate the feeling of independence. If we do everything, how are they going to learn to be self-reliant?

If we are anxious ourselves it is very difficult to encourage our kids to be okay with uncertainty. We do not have all the answers and being able to sit with some level of not knowing is a very important skill for modern life. I am not advising putting a two-year-old behind the wheel of a car but someday that two-year-old will want to drive a car. I recommend starting with a tricycle.

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3. Be aware of using overly dramatic language around children

Catastrophizing events or experiences raises the level of anxiety for everyone but especially children who don’t have enough experience to know the difference. When it is raining very hard instead of saying “If this rain keeps up we are going to have to book a seat on the Ark”, you could say something like this “isn’t this storm amazing?”

And then you could look up what causes thunder or teach your kids about counting how far away the thunderclap is after lightening.

We are all guilty of using dramatic language. It gets people’s attention. I’m hungry works just as well as I’m starving. Because my guess is you are hungry, not starving. The cycle of drama is learned.

4. Help them manage their emotions

Emotional management is very important in building resilience. Teach your kids that all emotions are OK. They can be angry at their brother for breaking a toy or disappointed that a friend couldn’t come over and play. Hitting their brother or yelling at a friend is not okay.

And then talk about how they are going to work through those feelings. What happens next? How long are you going to be mad? How can you make sure that your toys don’t get broken? By putting them away. ‘Why’-questions don’t help with problem-solving. For example “Why did you leave your toys out?” The kid is 8 years old, so ‘why’ doesn’t really move you forward.

And we, as parents, have to ride the waves of these emotions and not give in.

Children understand very quickly that having a complete freak out temper tantrum meltdown can get them what they want. (Tweet it!)

Unacceptable behavior is a learned behavior and if it works it continues. So keep the adult temper tantrums in check too.

5. Model resilient behavior

This may be the hardest strategy of all. We are an anxious planet. Life has never been so fast or furious before. We have the most amazing technology at our fingertips but it doesn’t necessarily make life easier.

The World Health Organization estimates that 1 in 13 people suffers from anxiety. In the United States, it is estimated that 18 to 20 percent of all people over the age of 18 suffer from some form of anxiety. Of those only 30 percent get help. If you are finding it hard to cope reach out to a professional.

Want to talk about it? Book a free discovery call with me.

Be kind to yourself.

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5 helpful things to consider how to be a better parent

How not to parent like your parents.

I grew up in a household where people yelled. Not my parents necessarily but there was a lot of noise and constant hostility and competition. As a parent, I made a conscious effort not to raise my children in a house where people yelled. Part of the reason there was so much noise was because the squeaky wheel got the grease. In other words, the loudest got the most attention. Not the neediest, the noisiest.

I didn’t want it to be that way for my children.

And I don’t blame my parents for anything. That’s part of being an adult. I honestly believe that no one decides to be a bad person or a bad parent. Hopefully we are all doing the best we can with the tools and information we have at the time. Accepting where you came from and succeeding in spite of it is the way forward.

Times have changed

My parents (for the most part) had terrible parenting themselves. There is alcoholism on both sides of my family. It was a generation who lived through the depression and giving their own children a roof over their heads and food on the table was enough to be considered good parenting. So other than one grandmother and some lovely aunts, uncles, and cousins, my parents raised themselves.

Many of us were raised in a toxic environment. I’m not blaming here, I am reporting my observations. Things were not always spoken about and how things looked was always more important than how things actually were. Respect was demanded not earned. Adults use the power of being an adult against a helpless child. It is a situation that plays out in many households and is extremely damaging for the children during childhood and on into their own adult lives.

My parents were married for 49 years and until death did them part. I was divorced when my children were young teenagers. There is no one right way to do things.

So, with a gazillion books and sources and the internet giving you guidelines to be a good parent, how do you know what to do? Having a baby just takes getting pregnant. You may even have attended birthing classes but not any classes to tell you what to do after that. Here’s what I suggest…

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Five useful guidelines to good parenting

1. Have a general idea of what you believe a good parenting style is.

Figure out what kind of things you missed as a child and try to incorporate these things into your family life.

It is a strange thing to talk about before you actually have the little darlings in your mist. Then you spend 0-5 years just trying to get enough sleep and earn a living. It’s hard to remember when you are in a constant state of exhaustion what you decided was your parenting style.

See if any of these statements ring true for you?

A. I want our children to be happy and healthy productive members of society/community
B. I want our children to fulfill their potential and strive to be the best at whatever they do
C. I want our children to make a lot of money and take care of us in our old age
D. I want our family unit to be the most important thing in our children’s lives
E. I want our children to be self-sufficient
F. I want our children to respect us and listen to everything we say because we know everything. (good luck with this one when they learn how to talk)

In a quiet moment have a discussion with your partner about how you would like to parent going forward. That’s the important point here – moving forward. Not blaming or accusing or bringing up an old incident or mistake but simply finding a path that you both agree on and work towards that goal as a family.

If you are a single parent find people in your life that you love and admire to help form the community that your child or children will grow up in. This can be any kind of group. Your neighbors, parents at preschool, your synagogue or church group, the playgroup at the park.

2. Find parenting role models in your friends, family or communities to model behaviors after.

It’s helpful to have someone around to ask questions and watch how they parent their own children. A relationship mentor of sorts. If their children are a bit older than yours that works.

We all have friends who we admire and or envy (a little bit) the relationships they have with their own children. A favorite aunt who has a great rapport with your cousin. Watch what they do, listen to what they say, or how they handle a volatile or stressful situation. Then emulate that scenario in your own life.

3. Kindness and calm are always a choice.

Did I lose my temper as a parent? A couple of times, yes. Was I immediately sorry about it? Yes. Did I learn from it? Yes, I did.

Our spouses push buttons. Our children push our buttons and test our limits and being an involved parent sometimes means you don’t have a lot of goodwill left at the end of the day. This is where taking a deep breath and keeping your voice calm and even when you are exploding inside helps you maintain your parental wits.

When an adult loses their temper with a child, the child wins. Don’t fool yourself that this isn’t a power struggle because it is. Children learn about the world by testing boundaries. It isn’t personal it’s a learning tool.

4. Spanking or no spanking?

Hitting children used to be an acceptable form of punishment. In some households it still is. When you get to a point that you hit your child you have exhausted all the other ways of communicating. Probably just before this moment you should have given yourself a time out. A friend of mine tells a story about his daughter. When she was three years old she hit her younger brother. Her mother hit her and told her to stop hitting her brother. The child responded with a question. “If you didn’t want me to hit my brother why did you hit me?” That stopped my friend cold and she never raised a hand to her children again.

That whole do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do thing doesn’t really work. We are models of behavior for our children. You may say something 1,000 times and it seems like they never hear you. But if you go against something you have said they will see it.

If your child seems particularly violent with their siblings try to find out why they feel like hitting is the answer. Are they being bullied at school? Do they feel powerless or insecure?
And if they are endangering another child this situation should be addressed by a medical professional.

Siblings do fight. My children are two years apart in age and both have very strong personalities. They fought until they were 10 and 12 years old. They bickered more when we traveled. When they were tired or hungry or feeling out of sorts. I should have paid less attention to it. I also should have realized that the one I usually blamed was more often than not blameless.

5. Love your children for who they are not who you want them to be – no comparing.

Some kids walk at 8 months some at 2 years. Some kids talk at 18 months and some don’t talk until they are three. It’s all normal and all okay. Once you have made sure there are no neurological or physiological reasons for them not to walk or talk then let them alone.

I’ll let you in on a big secret, parents lie about when their children do things.(Tweet it!)

If there is a milestone to reach their child reached it earlier than all the other children in the playgroup. How is this helpful to your child? Everyone walks and talks and is potty trained by first grade okay?

Our children are not our second chances at success. They are entitled to their own lives. Many young parents get all caught up in something that should be joyful for a kid and turns into the parent’s whole world. The kids may lose interest or no longer enjoy it and then it becomes a point of contention and puts a huge strain on the family interaction.

It is one thing to be encouraging of a child’s talent or interest. It is quite another to turn it into a hobby, lifestyle, or your business.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world but also the most rewarding. And all of it is on the job training. And once you think you have it down they grow up a little and then all bets are off.

Talk to the people who are in your children’s lives and find people who feel the same way you do about this so precious and important job of parenting.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What kind of parent do you want to be? What action do you need to take to be that person?

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Do you know where your children are?

I do not know where my daughter is.

Not exactly. She is traveling with friends in Asia for a few months. She went with no itinerary to speak of and as many of her friends post-army travel she too is taking the big trip. Seeing that part of the world. She is 21 and her room is clean for the first time in years. And empty.

When my son was 18 months old, a bright social little guy, I thought (other people thought) he needed some peer to peer stimulation. I was pregnant with a second child and I took him reluctantly to a very small private playgroup/preschool in a friends house. The separation was impossibly hard for me. The kind women there, after my inability to let my crying child go, had to push me out the door.

I knew my son would be well cared for although he too was upset. Not with the separation, but with my distress. I went back to my car, drove down the street a few houses, stopped, turned the motor off and cried. I only moved on when the need to pee became more acute than my need to be near my son.

We can never completely protect our children

The only time we can completely surround and protect our children, it seems, is before they are born. Once they get out into the world they are exposed to all kinds of things and the separations begin.

My son spent three years in the army cyber division and then went off to Kenya to represent a hi-tech company there. I was terrified. So far out of my comfort zone and realm of influence. I hardly got to take a breath after his army service and then he was off to a foreign country. Where it is not only dangerous to be gay but illegal. I was the only one who thought this might not be the best idea. I kept my terror under control and spoke to him often during his lunch break.

And then there was the day he called to tell me he hurt his arm and my daughter and I picked him up at the airport at 4:00 AM 18 hours later with a broken clavicle that needed surgery and a plate to put his bones back together. Even though he looked terrible when he arrived I was happy to have him back where I could at least take care of him a little.

Three weeks later he went back to Kenya. I wished he didn’t want to go but he had a job to finish. I was proud of him and kept my displeasure mostly to myself.

And so now my daughter is in Asia

Vietnam to be exact. At least I think so. Her army service was spent in a command center in a dangerous area where she traveled to and from in an armored bus. And now, she is seeing Asia with a few girlfriends.

She has sent me WhatsApp Videos from the back of a motorcycle being driven by someone she doesn’t know along a dirt road near a cliff. Last night she sent me a picture of a sleeping bus that she was on with a bunch of other kids going overnight somewhere, not sleeping. At the age of 21, she is an adult with very good judgment and I have to rely on that.

How do we let go?

Realize our children never belonged to us in the first place and they are on loan from the world? No, that doesn’t really work for me. I don’t know the answer to this one but I keep working on it. And when I am missing them, I ask for time.

I remember what it was like to visit home as a 20 something and realize that the empty nest is a blessing and a curse. (Tweet it!)

I make sure my kids know that they always have a place to come home to no matter how old they are or how far away they travel or move.

It is a time for reinvention for many of us. I have become a teacher and a coach, and I have taught by example resilience and hope. I have loved unconditionally and kept my mouth shut most of the time. And when I need a hug from one of my kids I ask for it.

I have a friend whose daughter is also in Asia. She cried all the way home from the airport. And her daughter will probably be home before her two months are up. I think it was more the idea of the trip that intrigued her. Not the actual roughing it, backpacking all over.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

So what do we do?

We smile and laugh and share photos of our daughters, our babies far away but close to our hearts. No, I don’t exactly know where my daughter is but my love and hopes are with her. She wasn’t interested in me having the location app on her phone but it was worth a try.

I think the best we can do is to let our kids know that they are loved as they grow up. Raise them using ample amounts of trust and honesty. Let them know that we want them to be happy, kind and do good things because we know they are capable of it.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: Do you know where your children are? How do you cope?

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Why doesn’t Dad have any friends?

Dad needs friends too…

I heard a comedian say recently that “to be a great Dad you have to be an okay Mom.” It’s funny, right? It’s also outdated. For all the Moms who did it all, it’s a nice validation. For many of the young men with families I teach and counsel in my practice, it’s a daily struggle.

Working, being a spouse, extended family commitments, and putting endless energy into raising children, doesn’t leave a young Dad much time to do anything else. They are suffering silently for their diligence. Everyone needs friends but, for those with overfull lives, it’s hard to make or take the time. In many of their minds the “time off” can’t be justified. Guilt is a common response. I’m not saying that Mom doesn’t feel this too, I’m just dedicating this one to the Dads trying to balance it all as well.

We all need friends

After high school or college, we find it harder and harder to connect with people. Our world may be technologically connected but at the huge cost of isolation for many. People have lost the ability to read social cues and interact in a way that opens up the possibility of friendship and camaraderie. The fear of embarrassment and rejection is real, and we feel lonely.

These are my observations and not based on anything scientific but women tend to bond more easily and anywhere. Over children, at work, in line getting coffee and make the time to keep friendships vital. So why can’t men do the same?

Anthropologically men communicate even with someone new, in a hierarchy of power. Which one of them is higher up the food chain. It’s a tough position from which to make friends. Some men may feel they are ‘better-than’ but mostly, men wonder if they are the less-than.

As machoness makes way for more involved Dads, they struggle to create the social structures which support this new role. (Tweet it!)

They should be speaking about money, women, and drinks but those men are harder to find. Most modern men want to spend free time on the floor playing legos, Barbie, or whatever game their child invented that day.

Women communicate to make a connection. To see what they have in common. This tends to lead to more chances to connect.

Get out

If your buddies aren’t coupled up or if they are child-free and your life is all about the little people in your life, it may be hard to find common ground. Also, young fathers feel tremendous guilt spending time with friends instead of being home or doing their share of childcare.

Date night is always a great idea. You shouldn’t feel guilty for going out one night. It is a wonderful opportunity if you and your life partner have some time outside the house to relax and have fun. Although it doesn’t really fill the space of having a friend outside your family unit, it’s someone to commiserate with and share challenges and fears and have a laugh.

Men tend to require an activity to be with other men. Something else to focus on so they won’t be seen as weak or girly. Playing sports, watching sports, and talking about sports might work for some guys. But not all. If you are not into sports you might need to find some other common ground.

I know about a men’s book group that gets together once a month. Pretty sure none of the guys ever read the book. Maybe one guy, the rest kick back with a beer and talk about nothing in particular. It is a safe place to decompress and having a book. Even if you don’t get around to reading it is a shared positive experience.

So, what should young fathers do to connect to other young father’s or men in general?

1. Come up with a game plan.

Pun intended.

Figure out an activity that is non-threatening and invite some guys.

A paint party where you actually paint something that needs to be painted! The family room? The garage? Teach them your standard dish for last minute dinners. An activity to literally break the ice. Everyone feels awkward and embarrassed in an unfamiliar environment. Make the first move. Shake somebody’s hand and introduce yourself. He will probably thank you and be relieved.

2. Attend an event in your community.

Immediate commonality.

Charity drives are good. You and the guy or guys could gather donations of clothes or blankets or canned food. It gives you an activity to bond over and help people in need. Also, offer to drive when someone is collecting something. It gives you something to do and an important role.

3. Volunteer at your place of worship.

Join one, or just go visit.

Having a spiritual connection to something once a week or a month helps to organize your life and add meaning. There are bible studies in any bible you want. Bring cookies to the men’s group meeting. That makes you immediately the most popular guy in the room.

4. Reach out to old friends.

It couldn’t be easier now with all our social media. Find a buddy from college you were close to and reconnect with them. It’s good to be reminded of what you were like before adulthood. A lot of the world is snowed in at the moment so use the time to find someone you have lost touch with. Facebook, LinkedIn, or Google them. It’s not hard to search for an old friend.

5. Try a new hobby.

And follow up with someone you meet.

Make the effort. Step out of your comfort zone. Start small. A workshop, a couple of hours on a Tuesday evening. Haven’t you always wanted to rock climb? Learn about wine? How about taking a course at your local community center or college. I’m sure you can get a catalog online easily. No online courses though, that’s another issue.

And let me know how it goes. If you need a little more encouragement or help with a game plan sign up for a discovery call with me. It’s a perfect time to make a new friend or connect with an old one. You will be blessed tenfold. Now get out there and connect. And remember this: You are a good Dad.

Be kind to yourself.

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5 strategies to help you be a more self-confident parent

Being a parent is the most difficult and most rewarding job you will ever have. Having children is a perfect way to totally change your lifestyle and to feel overwhelmed all the time.

In my practice, I see worn out, overworked parents under huge pressure from all parts of their lives. We as people and parents need to have some down time to regroup, recover, and continue.

Below are five strategies to help you be a calmer, more peaceful and self-confident parent.

It is vital to talk to your spouse, partner, and other caregivers. You should discuss your basic styles of care and discipline to ensure fewer misunderstandings or blaming each other when stressors appear.

1. Everyone needs a little help now and then. Don’t be afraid to ask for it.

Babysitters can be expensive. And family members are not always around. Even if they are, they may not be available or even interested in helping out. So build a network of people who are nearby to take the pressure off when you need some adult time. Trading time with friends who have kids similar ages is a good way to keep the cost of childcare down. Spending time with your partner or on your own is important.

2. Everyone needs time off now and then. Plan for it and make it count.

Even an hour a week can upgrade your peace of mind if you do something you really look forward to and enjoy. A yoga class for instance? A beer with a friend? Trying out that new vegan food truck downtown with your significant other? There are many things as parents that we sacrifice. Our mental health and wellbeing shouldn’t be one of them. After a bit of me time, we are all better able to cope with the stresses in our lives. Everyone needs a time out and time to play.

3. Perfection is a goal that will only make you miserable. Let it go.

No one is a perfect parent. There are no perfect children. There, I said it. We get mad or feel overwhelmed. Making a concerted effort to be the best you can is all we can expect. Like all relationships, sometimes we learn from trial and error. Having little children choose their own bedtime, for example, isn’t good for anyone. Sometimes our children don’t like the rules we set or the things we ask. And that is fine. We are not meant to be their friends. Children need boundaries and that makes us parents unpopular.

4. Everyone has advice on how you should raise your children. You don’t have to take it or listen. 

Free advice is worth exactly that: Nothing. Moreover, advice often comes with an investment or a point of view that may not be in your or your children’s best interest. Saying thank you and ignoring unsolicited advice is an acceptable way to handle these kinds of situations.

Find people who have similar parenting style to you and your partner. No comparing is allowed because each child grows and develops at their own rate. As long as you have checked everything out medically and your child is healthy, then let them be. People lie. Or they don’t remember exactly when their children did what. So don’t listen. Children will walk and talk and be potty trained before first grade. Some sooner and some later. But comparing only produces anxiety, which children feel. One of the best things we can do for our children is to love and support them. Help them develop by taking the pressure off.

5. Trust your intuition. 

The yardstick by which people measure if a child is sick or not should be your own. It’s no one else’s business except for your doctor and other trusted advisors. Remember you know your child better than anyone else does. By the time your child is 10, they will have contracted 100 viruses. One of the best indicators of how sick a child is is their temperature and then their temperament.

Some of those viruses will need to be treated with medication, some of them will not. So learn the signs of illness from your own child. Often children misbehave or throw tantrums when they are not feeling well. Depending on their age and communication ability, they may not be able to tell you they are ill. So watch for the signs and have a working thermometer handy.

Immunize your children. We are seeing an increase in diseases that, until recently, had almost entirely been eradicated. Have belief in your own abilities to nurture your children.

A lot of being a parent is showing up and paying attention. Making sure your child feels love even when one of you is angry. (Tweet it!)

No one likes to be criticized or to feel that someone they love is being critical. You can say something one hundred times, showing your child kindness and compassion by example can be more powerful.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

You are a good parent. The only way to know that is by looking inward. Every parent struggles. And if someone tells you that things are always fine, they are lying. Parenting is hard but it makes you appreciate the little things, even if that little thing is locking yourself in the bathroom with a cup of coffee. Or a hug when you need it the most. And so do they.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: What do you think is the hardest and best part about being a parent?

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