Holidays are stressful at the best of times. But this year may be more stressful that most.
Perhaps your kids have moved away or are spending Thanksgiving with the in-laws, or taking the long weekend to travel. Maybe you have lost a parent this year and the event will feel more sad than glad. Could you be out of a job or newly-divorced? Being alone or lonely during the holidays for the first time in years adds a whole new element of pressure.
How do we let some of the pressure go? We open the lid!
Here are my top 5 strategies for promoting self-care during your first Thanksgiving you spend alone.
1. Lower your expectations
Part of the disappointment surrounding the holidays comes from having unrealistic expectations that this year will be better or different than years before. In my coaching experience people I work with grow and become happier and more self confident and then walk back into a situation where they are not seen or heard and it causes distress.
If you know that the Holidays turn into a political shouting match where people drink too much, are unkind, or storm out running over your feelings in the process, give it a pass this year.
But really, it’s about being grateful. And it just a day. It’s a meal where everyone eats too much and relaxes far too little. And when our expectations are not too high we sometimes are pleasantly surprised by the outcome.
2. Be open to or create new traditions
One of my clients has had a terrible Thanksgiving tradition for more than two decades. He dreads it every year. He goes to the same family event and for reasons that have nothing to do with him, he is miserable. So this year we can up with a plan for him to have the Thanksgiving that he has always wanted.
He is really excited and the food will be delicious and anyone lucky enough to join him and his partner will be in for a treat.
Thanksgiving is one day a year and the weekend can be shared. If Thanksgiving has never been important to you, don’t make it important now. If it is important, then try to share or trade off years with ex’s, in-laws, and friends. No one solution works for every family. If you and your ex are on good terms, you might have the dinner together. At least the first year after your break up. It will give your children continuity even if you and your ex are uncomfortable. And I think all parents will agree: their children’s comfort is always more important than their own.
When I was younger, I spent a long weekend with a dear friend whose parents were divorced. The first meal was with her father and his new wife at noon. Everything was puréed and no sugar added. I was starving and ate my fill of the less-than stellar spread. But my friend neglected to warn me to save room for her Mom’s gourmet Thanksgiving dinner later in the day!
That’s one way to do it. Negotiation is key. And no matter how angry or hurt you are, remember that you loved this person once or are related to them. Try to offer them the kindness and common courtesy you would give a total stranger.
3. Give yourself a break
Thanksgiving is usually a family holiday. But maybe your family totally stresses you out. Just because you’re related to these people doesn’t mean you have to spend Thanksgiving with them. Your family loves you but that doesn’t give them an open forum to expound on your perceived mistakes or shortcomings. It is your choice to be somewhere else.
And if the turkey has been served at your house every year for the past twenty years, take a year off. You’re allowed a break. Let someone else plan, cook, and serve the dinner. And if you do attend, make sure people know that your personal life is not on the menu.
4. Make alternative plans
It is the beginning of the holiday season. Decide how you want to spend it this year. There are so many people in need. Why not volunteer at a soup kitchen instead? Many charities, churches, synagogues, and other community groups have a great need for help during the holidays. Retirement facilities would greatly appreciate someone willing to be there during the long Thanksgiving weekend as well. Sometimes focusing your energy outwards is the key to ending the constant self criticism.
If volunteering is too big a leap for you, how about attending someone else’s holiday meal? Community Thanksgiving meals are common. Find out what’s going on in your town!
5. Attend a friend’s holiday meal
Most hosts would love to have another pair of adult hands assist them. And other peoples’ family dysfunction isn’t nearly as awkward, painful, or stressful as the one you were born into. It might even be way more entertaining. The food might be better too.
When people begin talking holiday plans at work, let them know you need a place to be.
Let your friends know with a phone call, Facebook, or email that you are looking for a place to hang your hat on Thanksgiving. People can be awkward and if you want to be invited you should tell them … they often don’t know if inviting you is what you want. So make your intentions clear. Make this Thanksgiving what you want it to be.
And if you need someone to help you through this difficult time of year, sign up for a call with me to see if we might be a good fit working together.
Coaching with Tamara Mendelson
Are you struggling through an unexpected life change? I’m now taking applications for 2019 Coaching and I’d love to hear from you! Sign up below to receive my coaching application form straight to your inbox.
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And never stop reminding yourself: Thanksgiving is one day. (Tweet it!)
24 hours. A Thursday in November. You are not in fourth grade and this isn’t a classmates’ birthday party. Figure out where you want to be. And if staying home in your sweatpants with a turkey sandwich while binge watching Netflix is where you want to be … more power to you! And if you happen to have Halloween candy left even better.
Be kind to yourself.
Now over to you: What are your plans for the Holiday season? Is there anything you’re dreading?
