With Friends Like These, Who Needs Frenemies?

Frenemies-Tamara-Mendelson
Photo by Vincent van Zalinge

The interesting thing about difficult people is they can’t see themselves as difficult.

Heated arguments can pit you against a friend even though you both agree on all points. I have asked people on occasion to alter their tone or manner in speaking to me and it doesn’t work on everyone. The last time I asked someone to alter their tone they told me to shut up. An adult in a meeting. So I don’t use the tone of voice comments with that colleague anymore.

Some people are so confident in their feelings of rightness, righteousness or point of view that there is no room for disagreement, compromise, or real communication of any kind.

I had such an interaction a few weeks ago.

Irritation is in the eye of the beholder

During a conversation that went from funny, awkward, to downright uncomfortable, I realized that I had to distance myself from a friend.

The person in question was complaining about how people find her irritating but that it’s their problem. Everyone around them agreed about her shrillness and overall terrible disposition. This person was adamant that it was everyone else’s issue. It might have been funny if it wasn’t so uncomfortable.

Are you supposed to change in order to be in everyone’s good graces? Should you change your personality because of how other people perceive you? It’s a tricky question that really goes back to yourself. Will you be a happier you if you make these changes? Will society benefit from a kinder, more relaxed person?

On that same note, the change may be distancing yourself from that person who pushes you into negative thoughts, actions, or dispositions.

The sweetness

If there is someone in your life related to by blood, in your work life, your community or society who is always angry and extremely trying, let it go. You don’t need to stick around to be collateral damage.

There was a time in the world not so long ago when people of different opinions could get along just fine. This magical time allowed bleeding heart liberals and hard-right conservatives to work together respectfully and productively without drawing a line in the sand multiple times a day. Unfortunately, this is no longer the case in polite society. This is the world we live in at present. And we need to figure out a way to live with this higher level of negativity and hostility.

Pick your battles

A dear friend whose opinion I have appreciated on many subjects and have sought out on many occasions reminded me to “See them as they see themselves. Allow that they may have merit in their expertise or experience. Try to look beyond the bluster and unrestrained noise.”

Most difficult people are prone toward confrontation and are wired to enter into conflict. Don’t get suckered in. Pick your battles. Unless you are in danger, take a deep breath and stop before you take a step into the ring. Try to let it blow over you like a hot heavy breath, which often times it is. Get to the heart of the matter whether it be personal or professional.

Part of the responsibility of adulthood is to work at surrounding ourselves with people we feel comfortable with and who are supportive of who we are. But that certainly isn’t everyone in our environment.

I have found that one of the most important things about dealing with difficult people is that their hostile or grumpy attitude doesn’t have anything to do with me or you or even the situation at hand. (Tweet it!)

It may be the only way they know how to deal with their world. Maybe they feel powerless, thinking they can only get what they need by shouting and throwing an adult tantrum.

Solutions

Sometimes all it takes is an acknowledgment of what difficult people are saying. It’s cliche but  “I hear you,” said verbally, electronically or expressed physically by a light touch on their arm can change the energy of the conversation. It can distract from an angry onslaught or balance the trigger of their normal way of interacting with people. It may turn off the switch or turn down the volume of another person’s dumping of negativity all over you.

Read the situation. Calling someone out on their negativity can put people on edge and often in a more defensive posture. Consider the timing. Let them vent, then bring their negativity to their awareness. In some unfortunate situations, it might be wise to limit your contact. It is more important to be civil than to be right.

I find counting to ten or taking a deep breath is often more successful than direct interaction.  If someone is primed for a confrontation don’t engage. Don’t send the text, wait on that email before hitting send, take a breath. Think it over. If you still must say something, think of specific points and how they will take it. Will your message get across or will you feed their difficult personality?

Be kind to yourself.

 

 

 

5 Ways to Cope When You Have Been Thrown Under the Bus

5 ways to cope when you have been thrown under the bus

“To throw (someone) under the bus” is an idiomatic phrase in American English meaning to betray a friend or ally for selfish reasons. It is typically used to describe a self-defensive disavowal and severance of a previously-friendly relationship when the relation becomes controversial or unpopular.

And I would add here someone is under tremendous pressure and want to let it out in some less than productive way.

Yesterday I got thrown under the bus at work. I was surprised and disappointed as it was someone I know well and respect their professionalism. Well… Until yesterday.

Being an educator can be challenging

College campuses are not easy places to work. There are many different tiers of tenure and people who lecture/teach hourly can get pushed around a lot. Some semesters there is more work as enrollment increases. Some semesters, for reasons no one can explain, fewer students apply.

Most of us teach because we really love the students and the teaching. Not for getting rich or chasing the tenure track. You would think that this would create some kind of community when in fact the opposite is sometimes true.

Getting an email from the head of the department late in the evening is usually not a cause for concern. It’s when we catch up. We are all on campus most days and it’s a way to get organized for the next day or bring up things as they happen. Last night I was forwarded an email that called my integrity and judgement into question.

My first reaction was disbelief

I had seen this colleague earlier in the day and although she seemed overwhelmed and stressed I didn’t think it was directed towards me personally. We all handle our own secretarial work and she let me do something quickly before class started. I was appreciative.

My second reaction was anger but it was short-lived as I tried to figure out why this person felt the need to “tell” on me and throw me under the bus like that. Then I figured it was less to do with me and more to do with her situation. Maybe she took on too much. It’s getting near the end of the term and tempers flare. What surprised me the most was that I had hosted this person in my home and tried to be supportive of her when she needed to vent in the past. Or help with other administrative tasks.

A second opinion

I did call another teacher I respect and asked her what she thought of the situation.
We agreed that it was an odd choice not to speak to me directly and we had all agreed earlier in the term about the problem in question.

I calmly wrote a succinct email back to my supervisor and she asked if I wanted her to send my email to the other teacher in question. I said I didn’t think it would help as maybe she just needed to be heard.

Throwing someone under the bus is an act of anger, frustration, or insecurity. It’s not a behaviour of someone who is calm and self confident. It’s a reactionary thing to deflect blame or feel like you are doing something proactive. It could have all been avoided if she had just talked to me.

So what do you do if you have been thrown you under the bus?

Here are 5 ways to cope when you have been thrown under the bus:

1. Climb out from under the bus.

Then dust yourself off and try to figure out what the issue is really about. If you did make a mistake own up to it.

2. Speak calmly and clearly.

Or write. Explain how you see the situation without blaming the other person.

3. Offer a solution.

Try to offer a solution going forward that might take the drama and angst out of the situation.

4. Take personal responsibility if necessary.

And try to avoid confirmation in the future. Some people need that confrontation to feel in the right and in control even if neither is true.

5. Move on.

Some people are not team players and don’t understand how to communicate in a positive productive way. It’s all about how hard they work, how no one appreciates them, and they have no understanding of how their behavior affects other people. Minimize contact and move on.

It isn’t your job to fix someone. Sometimes people can’t hear what you are saying because they are so wrapped up in their own drama and way of looking at the world.

Don’t internalize someone else’s world view.
Try to understand it and then let it go.

It can happen in any work environment. And usually if someone throws people under the bus as a habit it won’t surprise anyone when it happens again. Don’t be a doormat but don’t buy into the drama either.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: When was the last time you got thrown under the bus? How did you cope?