time off – Tamara Mendelson

I don’t remember when the first time I heard the term “mental health day” was but I thought it was a great idea. When I was young and single and living in San Francisco, I prided myself on never taking vacation days or sick days and pretty much worked all the time.

By the time I was a parent and my kids were in school six days a week, I realized that every once in a while, they needed a day at home. Six days a week is a lot of days to get up and get organized and get out the door to school. Especially for little people who get tired and need unstructured time to play.

When was the last time you did something just for fun? It rained a bit this morning. Well, sprinkled actually. I stood outside feeling each drop on my face and took a deep breath. I remember standing outside in the rain with my sister in a parking lot once watching a brilliant rainbow form into the deep jewel tones and then begin to fade after a few minutes. People stopped their cars and asked us if we needed anything or were okay. I laughed because at that moment I was all perfectly okay.

Check in on yourself

What I often suggest during sessions with my clients when they are deep in an emotional downpour is to stop and try to notice things around them. Get out of their own heads for awhile.

What triggered this darkness?
When did they begin to feel unwell, or stressed or anxious?
Were there certain people or events that triggered their downward spiral?
Was it a series or cluster of things?

With these simple questions, we can sometimes pinpoint the moment when things were okay to when they were no longer okay. It can be an event that happened years earlier or something that happened yesterday. And when a trigger can be acknowledged and recognized it no longer has the same power or can be avoided in the future.

It’s all about recognition of patterns that are negative and disrupting or discarding those patterns and the development of newer healthier patterns. In practical terms what does that mean?

If you are so wound up in your stress or sadness or circumstance that you can’t see anything beyond it it’s time for you to take a mental health day.

Coaching with Tamara Mendelson

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Here are 5 ways to allow yourself to take a mental health day

1. Breathe.

It’s time to take a deep breath. Take a minute to try and gain some perspective on the situation. If a minute isn’t long enough, take an hour.

2. Change your environment.

Go outside. Get out of the house or the office. Wherever you are feeling trapped or anxious, move. When my own anxiety was crippling, I opened the curtains and let the light in. It doesn’t fix anything but it can make you feel more hopeful. Listen to some music, a podcast, watch a brain candy movie or television show. Anything you can do to change what you see.

3. Get off your own back.

Get out of your own way. I have a friend who used to say “Get off the soapbox we need the wood.” What that means is take a step outside your own story or situation and try to look at it from another perspective. Sometimes people get trapped in their own victimhood and cannot move.

4. Give yourself permission to not be okay for a while.

I have heard clients say, “I am so blessed. I shouldn’t be so unhappy, so sad, so anxious.” Why not? Life is messy and complicated and stressful. Step away for as long as you need to, to get out of the funk that is bringing you down. Is there an event you have been dreading to attend? Don’t go. Give yourself permission to say no.

5. Ask for help.

I know this is a big one and many people have trouble asking. Personally, I didn’t learn how to ask for help until I had a tumor on my brain removed and got PTSD. I had to ask for help. And now I help other people. If we would listen more closely, people offer to help all the time, we just don’t listen. You know that song, “No man is an island, no man stands alone”? The words may be silly but it doesn’t make it any less true.

No one can do this life alone. At least not do it well. It’s too complicated and there is too much sadness and sorrow and stress to do alone. If you are overwhelmed delegate if possible. If you let people know you are in distress sometimes they will surprise and help you to feel better.

Permission granted to do whatever you need to do to feel better. It’s not embarrassing to be human. We are imperfect.

Striving for perfection is a great way to feel bad about not achieving it. (Tweet it!)

Admitting your humanity is a good way forward. Towards better mental health. Take a day.

And if you need someone to talk to I am here to help.

Be kind to yourself.

Now over to you: I encourage you to check in on yourself. Are you ok? Do you need a mental health day?

Saving is usually a good thing. Save money, save time, and save yourself the trouble. But is there a point where we save too much? Are we pushing off our happiness for too long, waiting for a time that may never come?

I watched a TedTalk in which Gillian Dunn, an emergency room nurse and motivational speaker, spoke about buying a beautiful candle and putting it away in her closet for so long that it melted without her. She spoke about the need to use the things we have, a point which I think resonates with each and every one of us.

Too Special for Today?

We cram our closets with things we don’t like or don’t use or aren’t worth keeping. We simply hold onto it, thinking we may need it someday.

Fine china or that beautiful dress gets locked away somewhere, only to be seen once in a decade. Our subconscious tells us that today is not deserving of nice things. Let’s save it for when we have earned a special occasion.

Our children might want things that belonged to relatives that are no longer with us. I carry a purse that belonged to a dear Auntie that makes me smile whenever I use it. That’s the key: using it. If these items are tucked away in a closet, their history will never be shared. They will simply become something that another person must throw away one day.

We all have too many things. Things that don’t fit our bodies or our lifestyles. So why do we hang on to them? Because we might need them? The truth is, we probably won’t, and would be happier if we just let them go. but if we do have space we fill it.

Clutter

It’s a good exercise to declutter. Remember garage sales?

Making space in our lives for just the things we need feels like freedom (Tweet it!)

Belongings take time and energy to manage. Ask anyone who has ever cleared out a basement. The whole house feels lighter and airier. The physical items we allow into our lives can add stress and anxiety if they do not serve a purpose. Donating to a charity or selling on eBay or Facebook are great ways to let things go and feel good about it.

Although I agree with the philosophy that we should keep only what we can use, I am not recommending the Kondo method. I don’t agree with the idea that everything you own needs to bring you joy or be discarded. I don’t have that kind of relationship with everything I own, but have downsized both by choice and circumstance twice. And it feels good.

Off Limits

I distinctly remember when I was growing up there were some homes I visited that had plastic slip covers on the furniture, and the living room no one lived in. At the home of a friend, there were red, theater-type ropes to keep people, mostly kids, out of this room.

Most of us were living in the suburbs then and had the space for one of these “museum rooms.” A room with belongings behind glass and under protective coverings. To be preserved, not enjoyed.

This struck me as very odd – having a whole room just for when people came to visit. No children (or husbands) were allowed in that room, even with the covers on. I remember someone’s mother yelling, “Don’t you go in there with that drink and get rings on my table!” There were bowls full of brightly colored candy that no one was allowed to eat. “That’s for company,” I recall being told. I was not the right kind of company.

At our house, there really wasn’t a room like that. We did have a living room with a stereo, a big sectional sofa, and a fireplace. But that wasn’t where the television was so the room didn’t hold much interest. Life was lived in the kitchen, at the dining room table, in the family room, and outside. The living room was used at large family gatherings, but it wasn’t forbidden to go in there at other times.

Now is the Time

Our world is in a little bit of a mess at present.

According to the Grammarist though the phrase save it for a rainy day use as a phrase goes back to the middle 1500’s. It most commonly means saving money for a time when you really need it.

It’s original use was in an Italian play written by A. F. Grazzini called La Spiritata. The play was adapted into English by John Lyly and renamed The Bugbears: “Wold he haue me kepe nothing against a raynye day?”

500 years hasn’t changed the need for security and the idea that saving money for a time when it is needed can bring some sense of peace.

It’s raining folks, and hard. Literally and figuratively. When things are uncertain, isn’t that a good time to use the best things you have? What exactly are you saving them for? And instead of pushing our noses into our phones 24/7, let’s enjoy the simple, beautiful things we possess.

Now is not the time to put away Grandma’s china; use it. Think of her hands around the same cup you are using now. It brings a warm feeling to my heart to set my table with my mothers’ fancy china. When she was married in 1959, they had everyday stuff and stuff that was never used.

Why not use the nice things today, instead of waiting?

I think the rainy day is upon us and it’s time to get a little comfort from using the things that bring us joy.

Do you have a storage unit? Or an attic full of things? When was the last time you went through them? There might be treasures in there. Think photo albums, old letters…

Having less stuff to look after and keep track of can also give a sense of peace. Let’s all try to do a little less saving and use the things we have more, with joy.

Less stuff can also apply to the clutter in our minds. If you need someone to speak with who focuses on positive improvement, reach out.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this.