At the time of my separation and pending Divorce, people often asked me if my soon to be ex-husband and I had really brought our “A-game” to the marriage. Apparently the agony of a hostile home and months of counseling and heartbreak wasn’t “giving it our all.” These people were, of course, married. And in their view, we hadn’t tried hard enough. Only winners and coffee drinkers belong on the A-team. And Divorced people definitely don’t make the cut.
So my ex-husband and I weren’t winners? No coffee for us? My younger friends told me that bringing my A-game included being open to a hook up in a bar. But that didn’t seem to fit my particular situation. At least not yet.
Are there winners and losers in divorce?
In relationships, as in other aspects of life, we often talk in terms of winners and losers. Don’t show up if you don’t intend to win and win big. Go big or go home. Win at any cost. Be miserable but stay together. Calling someone “type A” used to be a compliment, but now might just mean “high maintenance.”
The meaning of these kinds of labels has shifted slowly over time. And in this way, I’ve noticed a slight shift in perceptions lately, a different way of looking at the world. People are beginning to emphasize balance over winning. Because as it turns out, sometimes winning in one part of your life means not being successful or fulfilled in another part of your life. If you’re wildly successful in your career, maybe that means missing your child’s first-grade play or not being emotionally available for your spouse. No one can bring their “A-game” all the time without making sacrifices in other vital areas of their life.
And does winning really make the world a better place? Maybe if you entertain people or help them to feel a part of something. If you teach them something. If you help keep our planet green and safe. In these cases, winning is a “win-win” for everyone. But usually having a winner means having a loser too. And that is no way to run a relationship or a life. I don’t want to live in a world where there are only two types of people: winners and losers.
In the end, I chose not to look at my divorce as losing. We tried our best, and in the end, we didn’t make each other happy. Each of us is now in a joyful, committed relationship and our children are thriving. And some of our old friends are not our friends anymore.
Bringing your C-game
Although sometimes it might feel like it, winning or being the best isn’t quite as rewarding as being yourself. And getting a job done, no matter what it is, can be more rewarding than doing the job flawlessly. There is a balance to life, and the tradeoffs can be as simple as happy children and a messy kitchen. Or doing your life’s work and not making a zillion dollars. Not always taking credit but being a team player. Being passionate about what you do and not measuring success by amassing things or dollar signs.
Now of course I’m not saying that a sloppy, unprofessional, or half-assed job is okay and that we should all live without material goods or goals. A girl’s gotta have shoes. But we must be mindful of these acquisitions. To do the best we can with what we have. To do a good enough job and lose the fear of not being perfect or being judged harshly for doing a perfectly adequate job. Total perfectionism isn’t achievable or maintainable in the long run. And life is hard enough without added performance pressure.
So when, in the midst of your divorce, you feel yourself dissatisfied with your performance, remember that sometimes bringing your C-game is enough. You can make tuna sandwiches and baked potatoes for dinner instead of a three course gourmet meal, and those sandwiches are a satisfying C. Especially if you get to chat with your children about their day and not have to worry about what’s in the oven. Or maybe, when visiting a friend who is feeling down, you sit and watch a movie rather than planning a full blown night out on the town. You showed up. You were there for someone you love in that moment.
And sometimes giving yourself an “A” for effort is even better than bringing your A-game.