It’s been eight years since my divorce, and I’ve learned how to do a lot of things on my own. Some minor home repairs, how to get the electricity back on, how to unblock a drain, or get a toilet to stop running. I’ve done okay by myself. I’ve never really been a handy person, but I do try my best before I call someone. I even bought a five-piece set of tools — and I’ve used three of them!
A marriage should be a team. Everyone plays a different role and everyone has a job. When you get a divorce, half your team is benched or traded and you’re the only one left, doing ALL the jobs.
Establishing self-reliance after divorce
It can be daunting to suddenly have responsibility for an entire household. So when something happens, I try to take a breath and figure out what category the problem falls into.
1. No way to fix it. This is an easy one. Throw it in the trash. Hopefully it’s replicable and not an heirloom. Heirlooms are thanked for the service and joy and tossed.
2. Fixable but not in this month’s budget. Put it off unless it’s the car, fridge, or washing machine. Many places offer payment plans, so check if that is an option
3. Fixable with a little time and effort. Youtube is full of helpful videos about how to fix things. Swap with friends who need services you can render. Bake a cake for plastering a hole in a wall.
The job that I didn’t deal with much during my marriage was the car. It was solidly in my husband’s to-do list. When we got divorced, it was suddenly my job. And as both my children learned to drive, it became that much more of a job. Because they both learned to drive in my old Honda Civic, not their father’s pristine, black sports car.
The things you do on your own after a divorce
Last night, I was working in my home office. On my very cluttered desk sits a bright blue, Femo turtle from Hawaii. As two of my cats were fighting over lounge space, the turtle hit the floor, losing both its head and tail. All the little turtles tucked inside, under his hollow shell scattered across the carpet. I picked all the pieces up and put them aside to fix this morning.
While I was down on my hands and knees, I noticed the desktop computer fan wasn’t turning. I wiped off all the intake screens in the back of the hard drive, blew some dust off the fan, and stuck a pencil in to get the blade going again. It was too dusty, so I took my hair dryer into the office, and on a cool setting, I blew the rest of the dust off the fan. It’s working. Self-reliance at it’s finest — I never would have done this during my marriage!
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This morning I took out a new tube of superglue. I put a kitchen towel and some plastic wrap down on top of it as a work surface and carefully placed the pieces of the turtle on the towel. Removing the cap of the superglue, I flipped it to open the tube with the pointed back side of the top. I squeezed the tube and nothing happened. Squeezing harder, a few drops came out that dotted onto the tail and held it in place.
Things will be messy but they will be yours (Tweet it!)
Then I moved on to the head and repeated the procedure. I didn’t see, or feel, or smell anything come out of the tube at first. The plastic wasn’t wet or gooey. I squeezed harder and heard the rush of fluid. Superglue ran out over 9 of 10 of my fingers. I tried to rub it into the turtle’s neck to replace the head, but the glue dried almost instantly onto my skin and nails. The result you ask?
A headless turtle with a tail and a superglue manicure that looks like an advanced skin disease. I know that it will rub off in a few days. Especially, if I play with the dried flakey mess on my fingers constantly — I can’t leave it alone for a second.
Last week, I re-glued a magnet to the back of my phone so it can be hands free in the car. That was only a two finger job. I probably shouldn’t have done it while in the car. That time it took two days to get the dried glue off my fingers.
Not sure what it is about super glue that brings out the kindergartener in me. And next time I need to glue something, it will probably happen again. The perfection of the job isn’t the point. That I keep trying to fix things is more important. Sometimes all that’s needed is a new light bulb or some super glue, carefully applied.
Now over to you: How are you taking steps to establish self-reliance after your divorce?
