It began with a stomach ache. When my inside was calling out to my outside to stop, and listen, and figure it out. I had been having headaches for years. It seemed to happen after every cold and every flight. Sinus infections, antibiotics, sinus infections, another round of antibiotics. I was given eucalyptus drops and Vitamin C. I was patted on the head and sent home. Every morning I would have two cups of coffee, Tylenol, and Advil just to get out of bed. Something was wrong. But I had two small children to raise, so I kept moving.
Then, about 15 years ago, two things happened to shift my view of the world and my life entirely.
The game-changers
One was the diagnosis of an aggressive but benign brain tumor. The other was the diagnosis and death of my beloved mother. Working on my own PTSD and recovery, I flew back and forth the 10,000 miles from my home to my childhood home to take care of my mother, father, sister, and anyone else around at the time. And I started to think about what I wanted my future to look like even if it wasn’t going to be a long one.
I am convinced that my wise, kind, wonderful mother knew she wasn’t going to become an old woman long before the cancer entered her body. She squeezed every bit of life out of every single day. Whatever meal she had just enjoyed was the best tasting, the best company, and the best cocktail. She tended her people like she tended her garden, gently and firmly, with great love and care. She was never afraid to cut back or withhold when necessary. Although she faced many challenges in her early life, she was grateful and joyful and blessed. She and my father had a wonderful partnership that lasted over 50 years.
The blessing of ‘thinking time’
On those long, long, long flights, I had a great deal of time to think. My life was equally full, but missing something. My children were happy and healthy. I had a circle of friends from all over the world that I adored. Life was good. I was restless and anxious and sad. Maybe I needed a different career?
I went back to school and got a Masters Degree. It was an accomplishment. I helped my husband build a successful financial business and beautiful life full of friends and functions and kids stuff. My marriage was loving but vacant of the kind of passion that endures. I felt myself being swallowed up by someone else’s idea of what I should be doing, how I should be living. And if pressed into answering what I wanted, the only answer was:
“Not this.”
How I took my first step forward
I wanted my inside to match my outside.(Tweet it!)
I had no idea how to accomplish this. And so here we are years later. I am happily divorced. And I have published a book of poetry chronicling my journey through the 5 Stages of Divorce. You can find it on Amazon here!